He was never there. He never found me. He never knew.

I realize now that it was a dream. A dream that only felt real but was a little too good to be true. But since that dream I haven't dreamed of him since.

He still doesn't know he is a father and probably never will find out.

My Dad has been the father figure in my little girl's life. He was there when I gave birth. He was there whenever she cried. He was there everyday for the past three years.

And I am grateful.

*************************

Little Vanessa and I were outside in the front yard just enjoying the summer breeze. She was playing with her new pup that my Dad got her for Christmas. The puppy was a rescue from a puppy mill, a Boston Terrier. He was really cute and she adored him.

Every little thing she does reminds me of Abraham. They could be twins for crying out loud. Though I secretly appreciate it.

It is like I see him everyday.

I would be lying if I said I didn't love him anymore. A person's love doesn't just stop all of a sudden. He will always have my heart though Vanessa has a huge part of it too.

She's my happiness.

She's my love.

She's my world.

"Momma look a butterfly! Goober keeps trying to eat it!" She said giggling.

"Oh is he? I think he's hungry." I said petting him. "What do you say we eat lunch?"

"He's not the only one hungry." She said.

I grabbed her and tossed her in the air. She started laughing and smiling. When I caught her I started kissing her neck while she tried pushing me away laughing.

**********************

Every night my Dad read to her. Well they both read. She was so smart. What kid reads by the age of three? Not many. I admired her for her immense interest in books.

Every night was a new adventure for her.

By the time my Dad and I were off duty when she fell asleep, we would talk. It would go from how our day was going to what we seen on T.V that made us laugh. I enjoyed our talks. Though tonight was different. He seemed a bit off.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He was sipping his night coffee not saying much.

"Come on just spill it. You're keeping something from me."

"I found out this afternoon. Ann passed away."

My whole world stopped. I got goosebumps and tears filled my eyes.

"I didn't want to say anything in front of Vanessa."

The tears flowed. I was in full blown tears. "How?"

"Alicia she was ill for the longest time she just didn't show it. I think I was one of few people who knew. I'm not sure Abraham even knew."

Fuck. Abraham. He must be going through hell right now.

"When's the funeral?" I asked though I don't know if I should go after just bailing.

"I'm not sure when but as soon as I find out I'll let you know." He noticed I was broken and got up from his chair. He stood right beside me until I looked up at him. When I did I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Dad she was probably the nicest person I had ever met. And now she's gone." I said in his shoulder. "I felt as though she was my mom in a way. She sure acted as though I was hers and I loved that about her."

"The good ones always go babe. She loved you and you loved her. You don't have to feel guilty about going away without saying goodbye." I started sobbing again because everything my Dad said was what I was thinking. "A dad knows."

"Let me know when you find out because we're going."

**********************

The funeral was the next week and we were at the airport about to board the plane. Even the dog was coming with us.

"Dad you think it's still a good idea that we go? I mean he's going to be there and he doesn't know about her. I'm started to freak out a bit." My anxiety level was beyond high. I don't know what he'll think or how he'll react. What if he has moved on and he's doing good in life?

All these what ifs were going through my head and I was beyond stressed.

"We won't know what to expect. What I do know is that you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't go. We have to expect the unexpected."

Our flight was called and we all boarded the plane.

**************************

The California weather was as hot as I remember it. It was 90 degrees and we were all feeling the difference of temperature from the Washington clouds to the beating California sun.

I had to go shop for sun dresses for Vanessa and I because I knew it was going to be hot. My Dad was wearing shorts and a typical Dad golf shirt.

I laughed at his casual style. It wasn't him.

We rented a beach house for the weekend for mostly Vanessa because I knew she would love the beach. I wanted her to experience it.

"Mommy when are we going to the beach?" She asked for the hundredth time.

"We are at the beach. Our house is at the beach." You could see the ocean from the street. We rented a car and sort of explored our surroundings before going to the beach house.

When we arrived I was unusually at peace. I guess it was the ocean air that soothed me. It always did when I lived with Ann.

Vanessa quickly wanted to change into her bathing suit when we barely stepped foot in the house.

"Go for it. I'll take the bags into your rooms." My Dad said rescuing the day as usual.

I quickly got her bathing suit out and changed her. She ran down the stairs, with Goober, that connected the house to the beach. I've never seen her so excited. She went to the water and was screaming excitedly when the water touched her. Soon enough she playing in the sand completely oblivious to the water.

I grabbed a beach chair and just watched her. It was an eerie feeling of realizing this is where she belonged.

The funeral was the next morning and I didn't realize that I was ready to face the music. It's time he knew. He had the right to know.

I looked at Vanessa and realized her whole life was going to change in the upcoming days.

**********************

In the morning I realized maybe Vanessa is a little too young to go to a funeral. Should she go after all?

I didn't know.

But who was going to take care of her while we are at the funeral? Of course she has to go. She most likely won't remember.

It's best that she go.

I walked out to the beach and noticed the sun wasn't shining. It was a little chilly actually. I stood there looking out towards the ocean wondering if I was the bad guy by not telling Abraham that he's a dad.

I also wondered why didn't he come look for me like my dream convinced me that he would eventually. Was it truly the end?

Maybe our relationship wasn't bound to be. Though by having Vanessa I realized that maybe it was.

Just maybe.

***************************

I totally thought I was fine with going and seeing everyone but I now realize, driving to the funeral home, that I am a wreck! My hands were shaking. My heart was pounding. I was shaking with adrenaline.

"Dad pull over!" I said starting to cry.

He quickly pulled over realizing I was having a panic attack.

I jumped off the car and started pacing. I was in a complete sweat. My Dad quickly grabbed my shoulders and sort of shook them. "Babe get a hold of yourself, okay, breathe." He passed me a water bottle which I practically chugged.

After I was half under control I said, "Daddy I don't think I'll feel welcomed when I go." I said crying. "They are going to treat us badly because I'm the one who ran away and when I show up with her they are going to flip."

"Hey! Would Ann want you here?"

I shrugged.

"She was an accepting woman Alicia. I think she would be upset if we didn't show up. Don't you think?" I nodded. "Then we need to get back in that car and go or we will really be center of attention."

I decided to sit with Vanessa in the backseat because I didn't want her to worry seeing me worry. I put a smile on my face and acted like nothing was wrong.

*********************

When we got there, there were people outside and inside the funeral home socializing. I wasn't giving anyone eye contact. I wanted to sit far in the back where no one would really see me.

I wanted to look up and see if I knew any familiar faces but I was afraid of making eye contact with the one I was afraid to see the most. Luckily the reception began and the attention was fully on the mass.

I was finally looking up and noticed her casket at the front of the room. There were flowers everywhere around it. It was totally her which I loved about it.

My curiosity was driven to look around and I seen familiar faces. Ann's siblings were around, scattered amongst the room. Ann's children were around as well. I couldn't find him. He was nowhere to be found.

I stopped looking and started paying attention. I was being selfish.

***********************

The mass was underway and Vanessa was getting sleepy. I put her on my lap, straddling and facing me, so she didn't start becoming grumpy. She laid her head on my shoulder and was falling asleep.

It was when I looked up that I noticed him. He turned his face sideways and I froze. He grew out a beard and his hair was combed over. I would say he looked good though he had aged. It must of been the stress of everything. I felt bad.

But then he put his arm around the person next to him. It was girl.

My heart was breaking and the anxiety was coming over me once again.

I looked down and up again thinking I was hallucinating. I looked up again and this time she was looking at him. It wasn't just a look in his direction but a look of genuine love. Then I saw the ring.

That was supposed to be us.

"I need to step outside." I whispered to my Dad. I quickly got up with Vanessa and pretty much ran outside as quietly as possible.

I put Vanessa in the back seat and closed the door. I leaned against the car and let it out. I let it all out. Full blown sobs.

I tried pulling myself together but just couldn't. I didn't have the strength to do so. The hurt was more than I could have ever imagined. I was half expecting for him to find someone else but hoped that he wouldn't too.

I guess I stayed single all this time because I was waiting for him. Well he sure didn't wait for me.

Well I did run away from him. I ran away from my problems.

Yet he broke my heart. He cheated on me.

But yet in my dream he was innocent.

A dream can feel so real if you believe in it. I believed in it. I truly did. But it ended in just being a dream. My own fantasies that I want to exist.

You can't have all that you hope for.

I cleaned myself up and wiped the bottom of my eyes knowing my makeup was completely trashed.

"You alright?" I quickly turned my head towards the voice. I noticed it was Abraham's cousin, Danny. I haven't seen him since we ran away to Vegas. "Alicia? Theeee Alicia? Is it really you?"

"Yeah it's me." I said pulling myself together.

"Wow. I am shocked. I didn't think you'd show face here. Like ever again."

"I came for Ann. I loved her." I said defensively.

"I know. Before she died she always talked about you, with admiration." He was smiling.

His smile made me smile. "I would've thought she hated me." I scoffed.

"Not at all."

It was silent for a minute.

"Thank you for checking on me." I said eventually.

"I seen you walk out and you didn't look...well."

"So you knew it was me the whole time."

"I sort of figured but I wanted to be sure." I just nodded. "Have you seen him?" He asked in seriousness.

"I seen him for the first time in three years putting his arm around a girl who I presume is his wife, with the ring being my first clue." I said tearing up again.

He looked down.

"I should've never come here." I said crying again.

I felt Danny's arms around me, soothing me.

I was calming down.

"Can I see her?" He asked. I knew he knew about Vanessa when he said he seen me walking out.

I nodded.

He let me go and I opened the car door. She was waking up when I picked her up.

"Say hi." I said smiling. "This is Uncle Danny."

Her eyes were still sleepy but she was smiling. "Hi." She said.

He got in a squat position to see her. "My goodness. They're twins." He put his hand on her cheek. "What's your name?" He asked.

"Vanessa Jenkins." She said shyly.

He smiled with his teeth.

"Well Miss. Vanessa you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen." She smiled and got more shy.

Danny looked up at me. "He doesn't know does he?" He asked.

I shook my head about to cry again. "I was going to tell him but I don't want to ruin what he has started."

"Trust me, you won't." He said smiling as if though he had something up his sleeve.