There is no reason NamJoon should be this fine.

I let out a breathe, telling my head back as the hot water warmed and massage my tense body.

After the Ellen interview we all went out to eat and went our separate ways. The boys themselves were more excited about coming to America, because due to their schedule they're only here for 4 or 5 times a year.

Which if you ask me is short as hell. They honestly should go wherever they want, whenever they want.

Don't get me started on their fascination with In & Out. I could hear J-hope voice right now talking about how much he loved sprite.

I leaned my half naked body against the wall on the hot tub as the water felt so amazing.

It was so refreshing and relaxing. One of my favorite parts of going to a hotel was just to get into a hot top. It was so comfortable and soothing. Besides after everything I've been through in the past week, I think I just need to relax.

The boys on the other hand decided they wanted to go to the beach. Surprisedly, out of the times they been in America they've only been to the beach once. But I told them going to the beach at night is the best.

I turned grabbing my juice that I had been drinking before realizing that I was parched. I also heard the gate to the pool open, causing me to also turn.

I was told that this hot tub was exclusive and just for BTS. I even had my bodyguard to stand out there to make sure no one else would be able to get in.

I turned the bottle attached to my lips, I turned to see a also half naked NamJoon, with a towel wrapped around the lower part of his body. Just like it was that night him and I potentially could've had sex.

The juice went down the wrong pipe causing me to cough loudly, trying to catch my breath causing NamJoon to turn around and look at me.

He quickly turned around facing the wall.

I placed the bottle down, and held on to my towel that was barely covering my body.

"Sorry! I didn't know anyone else was in here" he responds quickly.

"It's okay... I-huh- I was just leaving anyway"

"Then I'll wait... outside" he says walking out of the hot tub gate. I let out a deep breathe, realizing this is most likely the first time he's ever seen me almost naked. Which is weird out of the times I seen him shirtless.

I quickly gathered my things to get out of hot tub fast enough for him. I walked out holding my wet towel against my wet body, slipping into my slides.

I walked towards to the gate almost stumbling a couple of times. I opened the gate walking out of it, turning the corner walking down the entrance hallway. I then turned left, noticing that my bodyguard and NamJoon was standing there face back in front of entrance to the hot tub.

I cleared my throat to announce my appearance, causing Joon to slowly turn around and look at me.

Sean looked for only a second then face forward looking around.

"Sean" I tell him motioning that he could leave without telling him he could leave.

Sean nodded walking off. Leaving an awkward Joon and I.

He sighs softly before looking up at me, "What If some other guy would've came in there?" He asked me.

"what?"

"Nothing" he responds almost immediately causing me to nod. Joon and I haven't been the most conversing in the group if anything we have been the least.

Our feelings have been everywhere recently. One minute we're talking, having a blast and the next it's like this. Silent and Awkward.

"Well.. I'm gonna get going now" I say ending this long and awkward silence, beginning to walk away until the words escape from his mouth caused me to stop.

"what are we doing?"

I stopped in my footsteps causing to stand there at night, in front of the hot tub entrance gate of the hotel, holding my towel up.

"I mean... when are we ever going to talk about... us?" He asked boldly.

Us? The word alone sounded scary because that meant a lot of things would change. What if I wasn't ready for change.

"There is nothing to talk about" I tell him without facing him.

"Now, I know you don't actually believe that"

I finally turned around facing him, "NamJoon, what is it that you want?" I ask him seriously.

He sighed deeply before his eyes met with mine, "I want the truth, Mani. I want you to stop hiding from it. A couple nights ago I told you I loved you. Days later, I see you run off into the arms of Bam crying. Then Yoongi tells me how— he confessed to you. My feelings towards you have been so clear, that even the boys know. I have no idea what your thinking, or how you even feel because you have yet to tell me" he pauses telling me causing me process all of it.

I swallowed hard. Yoongi and his big ass mouth. He just had to tell Joon, huh.

"I mean we haven't had a decent conversation in days. When we do get the chance you try to avoid me. Why?" He asks me and this time he wanted a response.

"C-can we not have this conversation here, please" was the only thing that came out my mouth which I could tell cause him to be frustrated.

"No, we are going to have this conversation. I can't seem to talk to you anytime else, so we are doing it now" he claims.

I really wasn't in the mood to talk to him about how I felt about him or Bam. Mainly because I was still unclear about it myself.

"Joon- he cuts me off, "Mani"

"I can't.. okay. I-i can't talk about this. Not now" I say about to turn around when he grabs my arm holding me in place.

"tell me you want nothing to do with me, and I'll leave it. I'll leave you alone. I'll leave the thought of us being together... alone. For good. All I need is for you to say that your done" he states a very bold statement.

I was a bit shocked my his sudden statement.

"What?"

"It's the only thing I can think off, for us to go back to the way we were when first joined. Before I had feelings for you, and before you had them for me. You mentioned being friends, then I didn't understand why but now I'm completely get it. When it comes to loving you, it's the most complicated thing. And not because love is complicated or confusing. It's because you are. You don't know what you want, and when you do you don't say it" he says basically throwing shade.

But I can't even be mad at him because as much as I didn't want him to be. He was right. About all of it. I didn't know why I was set up that way but I just was.

"That is not fair. You are just as confusing as me. It took you weeks to end things with lisa and finally all of sudden you say you love me just when BamBam was getting ready to confess his feelings for me. How is that not confusing?" I ask him.

"At least I said something. Anything. You on the other hand leave me questioning if you ever like me. One day you want me then the next you don't. It's like you can't even make up your mind half of time"

"Well what do you expect me to do? You do things that make me act this way. That make question if doing this is a good idea. When I said us being friends should happen, I only said it so this wouldn't" I tell him.

He remains quiet.

"Obvious it's not. We can't even have a conversation without being awkward or arguing when it's not in front of a camera" I lower my tone.

"Then tell me what you want me to do?"

"I want you to stop. Stop pressuring me into something I clearly want nothing to do with" I say in denial just wanting this conversation to end.

He chuckles, "don't you dare turn this on me, like I'm forcing you to have feelings for me. I didn't ask you to love me"

"But I am! Okay. And that's what you don't understand. I tried and I tried to stop myself but I can't. And it's not fair"

"Fair? To who? Bam?" He asks causing me to look up at him. No words came out of my mouth afterwards.

"This is what I meant my confusing. You want me to stop having feelings for you, so you can be okay with the fact that Bam has feelings for you. So you wouldn't get the guilt of choosing him over me" he says breaking eye contact.

I sigh. That is not what I meant. He knows it.

Before I could even fix my mouth to say something, I hear the loud voices walking from behind me causing me to turn to see the rest of the members. I turn back to Joon.

"You know what... your right. I am a complicated, confusing, stubborn, hardheaded, and difficult to get girl. And you know... if it bothers you so much, then stop. Stop liking me. Stop trying to get me." I say causing his whole expression to change.

"That's not what I me- I cut him off by pulling my arm out of his grip. "You should totally go after someone whose not confusing or complicated... like Lisa. I'm sure you guys will be a perfect couple. You guys were before right?" I say being petty causing him to sigh.

"hey, you guys going to the hot tub too?" JungKook asked hooking his arm around Joon's shoulder.

"No. I'm finished" I say looking up to NamJoon whose eyes weren't on me at all.

"Actually, I'm done" the words escaped out of my mouth causing NamJoon to look at me, as our eyes met.

I didn't want to actually be done but I needed to be. This couldn't keep going on. One of us had to do it. And it was me.

I fought back the tears wanting to get out, NamJoon was about to say something when I cut him off quickly.

"I'm gonna go shower and get ready for bed. So goodnight" I say quickly.

"Good...night?" JungKook says oblivious to this situation, he arched his brows to his leader, as I turned around.

I walked towards the other members, "oh, Normani.. the beach was so— J-hope cut himself off seeing that tears formed in my eyes.

"What did he do now?" Yoongi asked causing me to look up at him. I don't think I've ever seen him so serious.

I shook my head.

"Normani" I hear him call from behind me.

"You guys have fun. I'm going back to my room" I tell them walking past them quickly.

-

I walked out the bathroom wearing a loose T-shirt, I took my hair out of the messy bun. I walked over towards the windows and shut the curtains.

After Joon's and I conversation I just wanted to sleep. I don't think I can handle crying again. At least not tonight.

I jumped onto the large bed pulling my phone out of the charger. I swiped across my screen to notice I had gotten a text message.

"Heard your in town... let's meet up tomorrow" I smiled softly reading Lauren's text. I haven't seen Lauren in months, let alone been with any of my girl friends.. so I think going out tomorrow with her would be fun.

Before I could respond I heard a knock on the door. I locked my phone placing my phone back onto the nightstand.

I walked towards the door, unhooking the latch and opening the door to see NamJoon. My eyes wondered his.

Why the hell was at my door this late at night? Shouldn't he be in his hotel room or with any of the boys. Why must he be bothering me. I thought all was said at the hot tub. What did he want now.

He breathed heavily looking at me. No words had been spoken yet. He runs his fingers through his messy hair.

"I refuse to believe that this is yet for us. That this is our happiness" he finally speaks.

I remain quiet unsure of what to say. He shook his head, "I'm not done. We're not done" he says firmly as he quickly walks into my hotel room and before I can question him he smashes his lips against mine.

I shouldn't be doing this. But I was. And I wasn't planning on stopping either. I began to kiss back, he turns me around pushing me back against the door as it shuts.

The satisfaction his mouth alone was bringing me. He then lifts me up allowing me to wrap my legs around him as my ass sat promptly on his large hands, and my hands ran through his hair.

Things got heated fast when we ended up on the bed. He laid on top of me kissing me passionately making me feel everything I want to feel.

I wanted him. All of him.

He parts for seconds causing both of to breathe heavily, "tell me if you want me to stop", he says.

As if I'd ever.

"Don't" I say causing him to wipe his thumb across my cheek before kissing me again. The more and more he touched me the more and more I wanted to touch him.

While kissing I helped him take off his shirt, I tossed it to the ground with his eyes staring into mine.

What happened that night was different. For both of us. It was the first time things weren't complicated or confusing. The first time in a long time we weren't at each other's throats.

For the first time I wasn't thinking about how joon and I being together would effect the team or bam or lisa or our fans. I was just thinking about him and me.

I no longer want to hide from the truth and if that meant going public or stop pretending then I guess so.