"here... this should still fit you"

Joon's voice brought me out my thoughts after I was looking at one of his photos of all of the members together.

I turned to him noticing he was holding a shirt. And not just any shirt. The first shirt of his that I ever wore. The way it hung off of me because it was to big, the way my only my thighs but not my knees we're covered.

"thanks" I say taking it out his hand. He nods before leaving me in the guest room by myself to change out of my some what wet clothes, I was wearing at the party.

After changing I walked out the guest room, going down the hallway to see him pouring glasses of water for the both of us.

I cleared my throat, getting his attention causing him to look up at me. I joined him by the bar of the counter, waiting for him to say something, anything.

But he didn't. Him and I haven't had a conversation unless you count talking about the group's schedule with the rest of the members.

The only time we happened to be alone, I could promise you talking was the last thing we were doing.

Causing me to start conversation.

"W-what are we even doing?" I ask him breaking the silence.

"I don't know" he gives in.

"But then again, do we ever know what we're doing?" He adds causing me to slightly smile.

That part was right. Despite everything that happened to between, I didn't know or understand why it did.

"You said you walked to talk about us... so talk"

"well... it's just... you know with everything's going on, and the way we already still see each other..." I cut him off.

"stop sugar coating it and just spit it out"

He sighs before turning me, "it kills me to watch you pretend as if we're okay. I can't even look at you or smile at you in public, I can't touch you... the way I really want too. I already told you, I'm still in love you Normani. And I don't think I've ever stopped" he tells me.

I swallowed hard listening him pour out his heart to me. He made it seem as if he was the only one feeling this way.

Does he think I don't love him as well? You don't think I miss you too? I can't too smile or look at you in public. You think I don't miss everything we once had, of course I miss us... but that does not mean I need it.

"so what?" I pause now looking at him.

"What are you going to do about it?" I finish asking him. I watch as his eyes wonder from my eyes to my lips and then back to my eyes right now.

My heart pounds furiously watching him hold back like he always does before taking me. I didn't come over here to argue and fuck. He said he wanted to talk about us so that's why I'm here.

"what do you want me to do about it, Normani?" He asks in low tone.

"I want you to be honest with yourself. Right here, right now" I tell him.

"About?"

"Do you honestly believe that anything other then what we are right now could even happen again?" I ask him wanting to know what he was thinking.

"what we are now? Which is what? Fuck buddies or band mates?" He asks me.

I let out a sigh before breaking eye contact, "well what else would you like me to call us? We aren't just band mates, and we aren't friends because friends don't fuck other friends. So what are we?" I ask him seriously.

"I-I don't know" he trails off.

"Don't know? So why... why would you tell me that your still in love with me when you don't even know what you want"

"I know what I want. I want us... you" he tells me, was he delusional?

"You have me... what else— he cuts me off, "No, mani. The real you. Okay. The you... you used to be before any of this happened. You don't think I know your closed off now? You used to talk to me about everything, even before we got together... but now? Now it's like you only know me when we're about to fuck" he explains.

Well a lot of things happened about.

"You cannot expect me to be same person I was months ago, Joon. That is not fair. People change all of the time" I raise my voice.

"Do you even love me anymore or did that change too?" He asks softly.

I arch my brows looking at him, "how can you even ask me that? I-if I didn't love you NamJoon I wouldn't even be here!" I spat seriously.

"How am I supposed to know when we haven't even have a decent conversation since you took your hiatus?"

"Because despite everything I was going through, you were the only person I thought about, Joon. Despite being hours and miles away from here, you never left my mind for one second" I let him know honestly.

Did he expect me to move on during my hiatus? "I don't want to hide again" he states causing my eyes to search him.

"Y-you know... we can't right?" I asked him.

"Can't what?"

Did he want me spell it out for him.

"Can't... can't date each other. At least not again or for a while. You know how well that worked last time. We were so toxic towards each other, and a lot of things happened back then because of me... I mean we're lucky we even have a career after that" I let him know.

We were too much in the public and there was way to much things going on that none of us were ready for.

"So what... you just want to keep fucking behind closed doors... pretending as if we both feel nothing for each other when that isn't true? Normani, I'm tired of hiding. I'm in love with you and I want the world to know" He asked me.

"They do. They did and look what happened... we almost tore each other apart because of everyone, because of me. I can't.... do that to us again" I say tears forming in my eyes.

"Okay. Then w-what do you want to do, Normani? Tell me and I'll do it"

I swallowed hard preparing myself for what I was about to tell him. I don't deserve happiness. Not with him. Not with Bam.

"I want you to happy, Joon" I pause before breaking eye contact with him.

"But I don't think.... it should be with me" I finish.

The inside me was breaking down trying to tell him this. I know I said I loved him and I missed but what if us breaking was a good thing for the both of us.

"W-wait.. what?" He asks.

"We should... stop doing this. Seeing each other....like this. It's shameful that the only stable relationship we ever had was just when we're fucking. And honestly... Y-you deserve something better than me... someone better than me"

This was the way I felt. Had felt for the longest. Even though I still loved him, i couldn't help but think us... getting back together, would not only ruin us... but our careers and this time for good.

"Mani— I cut him off, "it was a mistake coming here" I tell him before turning around and going to his front door.

There I was... running again.

"Mani" he calls out for me and I ignore him trying to proceed to the front door.

"Mani, stop" he says, and I could hear in his voice he was seconds away from snapping.

"Normani"

His voice cracking causing me to stop in my footsteps, tears forming my eyes.

"If you walk out that door.... it's over"

I approach the door trying to ignore him and my thoughts telling me to turn around and go to him.

"I mean it. I really do. For good. I'll move on, I'll forget you."

I place my hand on the door handle, turning it and opening it when it was closed shut by Joon who stood tally behind and over me.

"Mani... stop doing this... okay. I know this is what you do when you scared... you run... and your running... from me... but I told you once before... you don't ever have to fun from me, okay. I know this is not what you want, so tell me... you don't." he says.

I exhale deeply, confused about everything. About what I wanted, what I should do, and if I really wanted this.

"Tell me... I need to hear you say it" He whispers sending chills down my spine.

I slowly turned facing him, "Joon— he cuts me off, "stop.. why are you shutting me out again. You always do this, Normani. When things get rough and tough count on Normani to run because she will. Are you a running for marathon... why must you run from me... out of all people!" He asks as raises his voice in frustration.

I remain silent, trying to calm myself. Knowing how I'm so used to snapping in situations like this.

"Answer me!"

"Because I'm a coward okay! This is what I do.... I run. I'm scared to love you but I'm also scared to lose you. How can you think us being together makes any sense?" I ask him finally breaking my silence.

"Love isn't supposed to make sense. And when have you and I ever made sense" he says looking down searching my eyes.

"You deserve bet— he cuts me off, "if you say I deserve better one more damn time" he snaps causing me look away from him.

"What aren't you understanding, Normani... if it isn't you... I don't want it. I deserve happiness with someone who isn't you? Bullshit... I refuse to believe there's nothing left for me and you after everything we went through, after all this time... I won't allow it." He tells me.

"I get it... your afraid your going to hurt me... so do it, mani. I don't care. Break my heart... hurt me... do whatever you want... just don't give on us... on me... not again" he adds pleading his case as his eyes was searching mine.

I swallowed hard looking at him, my heart pounding throughout my chest and at this moment, this is exactly when I knew it was too late for me. To late for us to go back.

I loved him and he loved me, and at this point it was all that mattered. So what was I so afraid of..

"There was an awkward silence of us breathing heavily and looking at each other. It wasn't long before he decided he couldn't wait anymore, so instead of even saying anything he smashed his lips into me, causing me to fall right back into the trap, I fell in months ago.

The same trap that we both knew wasn't good for us, the trap that we knew was dangerous.. only this time neither of us cared.

I picked me up, causing me to wrap my legs around his waist while he carried me. I quickly snapped off his shirt, revealing nothing but my bra and underwear.

I managed to help him take off his shirt as he led us to his bedroom. He leaned down kissing me, while holding me causing me to start to tear him.

God. Why was I so emotional, especially right now I'm bout to get dicked down and here I am crying.

He parts breaking the kiss worrying about me, "w-whats wrong? Did I do something? Do you not want to? Did I— I cut him off before shaking my head causing my arms wrapped around his shoulders.

"I-I just... I really love you... and... I'm sorry" I say trying not to break down.

He slightly smiles before wiping my tears, "I love you too"

And before I realized.. as much as I tried, as much as I told myself I would... it's easier said than done. It's not easy letting go someone you love. Especially when you don't want to stop loving them.

This time we weren't fucking, we were making love. Slow, eye contact, kissing, holding love, and I didn't want anything to stop.

I breathed heavily looking at him as he was giving me all of him. I held onto him tightly, letting him love me they way I craved him.

I was suddenly brought out my thoughts when when the doorbell rang. "D-dont stop" I whisper into his ear, clutching onto him breathing heavily.

"Hyung! Are you here?" The familiar voice of Jimin says entering into Joon's apartment.

God Damnit Jimin.

Joon and I immediately froze looking at each other. "I thought you locked the door" I whispered to him.

"He has the password" he whispers back before pulling out and getting off of me causing me to quickly search for my shirt.

"Maybe he isn't home" another voice entered the house causing me to turn to Joon. Yoongi.

"that's strange....his cars outside" Hoseok says. God we're they all here.

Just when I thought things couldn't get anymore embarrassing.

"why is his shirt on the ground. You would think after moving out the dorm, he learned how to clean up after himself" Jin says.

Shirt. The shirt I was wearing. God.

I quickly grabbed the bed sheet and wrapped it around my body as Joon quickly placed back on his clothes.

"Joon... Did you see Mani? She wasn't at the party when we were leaving?" JungKook asks raising his voice.

"Maybe he's in his room"

My eyes widen turning to Joon, "the closest" he whispers pointing towards the walk in closet behind me.

"I'm not hiding in the damn closet" I whisper angrily.

" would you rather them see you half naked... again?" He asks me.

I sigh in annoyance, realizing he had a point.

I quickly rushed into the dark closet and hit in the door by the jackets, holding the sheets up against my body tightly.

The door opens and my heart drops.

"Jesus.. are you deaf? Didn't you hear us calling you?" Hoseok asks Joon. I swallow hard.

"Nope" Joon answers nervously.

"We tried calling Normani but she didn't answer, have you spoken to her tonight?" Tae asks him before the other members look around his large room.

"Nope" he answers the same way again.

"Didn't you leave the party to go talk to her?" Hoseok asks.

"Nope" Joon responds.

Him and his Nope.

"maybe we should call her manager" Jimin says looking around.

" i'm sure she's fine you know how she is maybe shes.... you know out with her friends or whatever" Joon comes up with something quick.

"which friends. Her guy friends or girl friends?" Yoongi asks sounding like an over protective dad.

God could he they leave the room, I'm starting to get a cramp squatting down like this.

"She was drinking tonight too" JungKook adds.

I watch as Jin makes his way to the closet, holding Joon's shirt that I was wearing.

"Maybe Joon's right. She's probably home or something... and next time toss your clothes in the dirty laundry.... not on the floor.. aish.. such a pig" Jin trails off inching closer to the clothes.

Everything we suddenly in slow motion.

"Jin, no!" Joon raises his voice, slowly reaching out for him.

"Calm down, I'm just helping you out. Where's the light switch?" Jin asks looking back before turning back to the closet and seconds after the light comes up, and he and I make direct eye contact.

Jin freezes and drops the shirt looking at me, "mani?" He asks causing attention towards me. I notice the other members turn and look towards the closet to see me.

I slowly stood up holding the sheets against my body tightly. "heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" I say emphasizing the Y.

This had to be the most embarrassing humiliating thing I have ever been through and that's coming from a girl who's had a dozen of eggs thrown at her.

"Oh my god" Yoongi says.

"Not again" Jimin says.

Yes again.

God please help me.

"Jesus what is up with you two?" Tae asks turning immediately to Joon.

"C-could you guys... you know" I say feeling uncomfortable with my ass almost out.

"Oh. Right. S-Sorry" Jin says placing his hands over his eyes before turning around quickly. The other members including Jin quickly turned around and walked out of Joon's room.

God.