'He smiled understandingly--much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life-'

"Whatcha reading kid?" My Gramps launches himself back onto the sofa next to me interrupting my reading, a scotch in one hand and a tray of chocolates in the other. My nana sat next to him whilst my mom and Gemma settle into one of the big armchairs that could fit three grown adults on. The rest of my family, whilst isn't that large and only consisting of a few cousins and great aunts, fill out the rest of the living room either on the spare chairs or floor.

There's a roaring fire ablaze in front of us in the marble fireplace situated next to the sixteen-foot fir christmas tree my nana has probably spent hours matching all the decorations to make sure they fit her colour scheme. She's extremely particular when it comes to home decor. I love being in my grandparent's house, it was my safe haven growing up... that and it has an indoor and outdoor pool. I used to spend days on end here before everything got bad and Atlas was right, it's been hard being here this year but I've made new memories with my family. It's the first Christmas where I've been able to push some of the guilt aside and enjoy my time with my family.

Especially since my nana is the female equivalent of Santa Clause, that woman has more festive cheer than he does in his pinky! Each year she decorates the entire fucking mansion by herself, refuses to let anyone help. Then she cooks most of Christmas lunch, rarely letting anyone help either and if they do they're under an immense amount of scrutiny and she coordinates all the presents, the games and whatever else is Christmasy. She still has fun doing it too, I look over at her brightly lit up eyes, watching me.

I hold up The Great Gatsby book Atlas gave me and her eyes widen in joy, "Blaze that's beautiful!" I hand her the book so she can further inspect it... another thing Blondie was right about- the original style copy is way better than the boring printed copy at school. The old smell, the yellowing pages, the worn dark blue cover. "You know this was your favourite when you were a teeny teenager. I used to read it to you all the time," She smiles nostalgically at the cover running her red painted nails over the title, "Where did you find a copy like this... they haven't done ones like this in well...years!" She hands it to my gramps to inspect and out of the corner of my eye I can see my mom grinning at me, she knows where I got the book, she'd already quizzed me about it when I came home the other night with it.

"Atlas and I found this bookshop downtown and she got it for me the other night." I fiddle with the end of my sleeve purposely not meeting anyone's gaze.

"Who's Atlas?" My great Aunt pokes her head up from her magazine with weary eyes, I'm sure everyone dying to tell her who she is but Gem beats us all.

"She's Blazes girlfriend- she's a dancer too, like me!" I'm sure I can see my mom hiding behind her glass of wine trying not to laugh, my gramps doesn't do such a subtle job shaking the couch with his hearty laugh.

"She's not my girlfriend! We're just friends!" I groan into my hands, I don't know how many times I have to tell Gemma this but I think she's just doing it to wind me up now.

"But she will be! Won't she bubba?" My nana looks at me longingly, "I can't wait to meet her!" She adds taking a chocolate from the tray my gramps has in his lap. His face contorts as she does so.

"No Nana." I moan hiding my face In my hands.

"Why not! I thought we discussed this at thanksgiving, I was hoping you'd have done something about it by now!" She looks...angry and I can't help but chuckle, she takes the lid to the chocolate box and thumps me on the head with it.

"Hey!" I protest as my mom speaks up from her glass, still wearing a smug grin.

"Trust me, mom, I've told him a girl like that won't be around forever." She nods knowingly over her glass again, I scowl at her for even entertaining the situation but she shrugs feigning innocence.

"Ugh, can we just drop it! I've never had a sodding girlfriend before so why does it matter now?" The adults all share a look which only builds my frustration, am I fucking missing something? Is there a keep secrets from Blaze club? I can feel the annoyance building inside me. "It doesn't matter anyway, at the end of senior year we'll be going in completely opposite directions, I probably won't even speak to her." I shrug and settle back into the couch... I don't like those words, I couldn't imagine not talking to Blondie now, I push the sour taste of the words aside, "I should be focusing on football, not girls! Right Gramps?" I look to him for back up but he leans forward on his knees and says simply.

"You're not a robot Blaze. Just because you want to be in the NFL doesn't mean you can't have feelings." He looks at nana and kisses her hand, she hits him on the back of the head with the box lid too, making my lips turn slightly. They are the epitome of the perfect couple.

'Feeling' is what stopped me once before and I don't need it to interfere again.

"But you do like her, Atlas, don't you honey?" My great aunt pipes up again and all eyes swivel in their heads to look at me, I feel like I've just been caught fucking someone in the Whitehouse. I feel like I'm on trial and I'm not going to be able to blag my way out of this shit storm.

"Yes." I blurt out in a monotone. How couldn't you end up liking Blondie, I like everything about her from the way her lips curve when they smile to her adorable giggle I miss hearing when I'm not with her. "But it doesn't matter so can we just drop it." I huff trying not to catch my mothers eye. I know she looks disappointed, not at my behaviour but the way I regard myself. She knows the other reason I can't go there, I couldn't let her be ruined by me. My mom knows that and she's expressed many a time that I need to let go and forgive myself.

"There's one more present under the tree." She presses her glass to her red lips and nods slightly at a remaining small box under the tree. It's wrapped in red paper with glitter zigzags running across it, a red bow wrapped around the top. There's no label on it but from my mom's persistent hinting I presume it's for me...

I crawl under the tree and grab the neatly wrapped present, I have no idea how people wrap presents and shit so perfectly, I just scrunch and tape.

I return back to the couch once again finding all eyes on me- don't these people have anything better to do than watch me unwrap a missing gift... apparently not, as their eyes widen when I un-tape the first corner.

"Who's it from?" Gramps asks peering over my shoulder.

"Gee I don't know- Santa," I mumble sarcastically but I really have no idea who it's from either. Gramps tuts in my ear and leans back a little so I can unfold the rest of the paper, small bits of red glitter falling onto my long sleeve white shirt. I lift the lid off the box that lay inside the wrapping and find two tissue paper wrapped items.

I glare at the box, this person sure does love to wrap shit. I glance over at my mom whose snugged behind her glass still smiling. I can't work out if this is from her or she just knows who it's from.

I pick up the small item first and peel back the tissue paper, disregarding it on the floor. Once all peeled away it reveals a small square metal keychain that has a football with the letter A engraved in red on the front.

Crimson Tide

I stare profoundly at the small bit of metal between my fingers, now even more confused. My reflection stares back at me, slightly paler than before- just looking at that A makes my heart bounce quickly.

I flip it over and see something engraved in the back- 'Butterflies can't fly if their cold- Don't make yourself cold x'

I look over at my mom who's smiling stupidly at me and I know it's not from her, my lips turn up despite all attempts trying to conceal it.

"Well, who's it from?" My nana asks, I ignore her carefully opening the second item in the box, this time a note sits on top of the gift inside. A simple red card saying-

Thanks for everything,

You've got this.

Blondie x

I chuckle looking at the nickname I use at the bottom of the note... this is... I... wow.

I pick up the note, placing it carefully with the keychain and unfold what looks like a T-shirt, I hold the red fabric in my hands and watch it unravel revealing Beckett and 14 on the back of the Crimson Tide shirt.

"Wow Blaze..." My gramps looks at the shirt in almost awe, it's been both our dreams for me to get into Alabama and even though I haven't got an acceptance letter, I think knowing that someone else has faith in me is enough for him. "So who's it from?" He looks into the now-empty box, odd specs of glitter from the paper settle on the cardboard.

"Atlas," I say getting up and taking the presents with me, I also grab the Gatsby book from the coffee table and run through the house to the bottom of the grand staircase and charge up them towards my room. I can still hear my great aunt in the front room shouting after me, "Put a ring on her Blaze!" and "Marry the damn girl she's a keeper!" I ignore her fanatic calls and run into my room, shutting the door behind me and launching myself onto my bed. I stare at the contents of the box feeling suddenly overwhelmed, I'm honestly just so... confused, speechless- I don't even know at this point.

But I do know what to do, what I need to do. I pull out my phone and scramble for Blondies contact, hitting the facetime button and watch my face pop up on the screen waiting for hers to replace it instead. It rings a few times then I see connecting at the top of the screen.

The rustling of the duvet is the first thing I hear, then I see her hiding under her duvet, head pressed one side against her mattress. Her blonde locks are completely free- no bows or clips holding her hair back, flowing over her bed, the light from the screen illuminating her rosy cheeks under her duvet fort.

She looks a bit skittish but soon settles under the covers, a deeper blush forming on her rosy cheeks.

"Hey, Blondie."

"Hi," She says back so quietly it's almost a whisper, she bites on her bottom lip and I immediately wish I was on the other side of the screen.

"Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas." Her smiles widen and neither of us says anything until she burst out into a tiny fit of giggles. The sound makes my grin grow, "How are you? Did you have a good day?" She props herself up slightly so I can see her properly, the harsh blue light from her phone reflecting in her bottomless eyes.

"It was alright." I shrug, I'd had a good day, great even but I still felt like I had to be on guard, constantly watching over my shoulder. I think my mom feels a bit the same, on the drive from the airport she was looking cautiously out of the window the whole ride to my nanas, she looked happy when we drove past some areas but miserable in others.

All I could think was I did that to her.

"Are you... are you doing alright back there?" She asks thoughtfully. That's another thing I like about her, she cares. I've never had anyone to stop and ask me how I am... that's probably why I've ended up in this situation.

I nod slightly, I don't want to lie to her but I also can't talk about it. I think she picks up on it because she just nods back... not in a sympathetic way, more in an understanding way.

"Is it still snowing there?" She beams, I've been sending her pictures of what a white Christmas in New York looks like as soon as I'd stepped foot off the plane. She's obsessed with how magical a snowy New York is, where's to me it's like second nature growing up in it.

"Yeah, it's actually coming down pretty hard right now... hold on." I push off my bed and walk over to the big sash window that overlooks the gatted community street. Snow covering cars, gates, fences and even the road has a completely white sheet settling across it, no signs of tire marks.

Atlas gasps audibly and lets out a small squeal, it's the most adorable thing I've ever heard. She gets more excited than Gemma.

"Wow..." She pushes her face closer to the camera so I can admire her long lashes that flutter against her rosy cheeks. Just seeing her face brings this peace to me I didn't know I needed, like this is the first time since I landed I actually feel calm and relaxed.

I never meant to end up liking the sweet blonde girl who sits at the back of the class. I never wanted to, I tried to push it away to stop her from getting hurt but also to stop me from getting hurt. Atlas is too smart to end up with someone like me, she'll see through me and run- far away like everyone else but that doesn't stop her from wriggling her way into my mind.

I can't act on this, she probably doesn't even feel the same and I don't blame her. So I'll just observe her from afar as I have done since freshman year. Fuck.

"How are you getting on with the book?" She raises an eyebrow challenging me to tell her I've changed my mind about some of my arguments to do with the feminist aspect of it but honestly she changed my mind the second she started arguing back with my points. Will I ever admit it? Fuck no. Blaze Beckett isn't ever wrong- whether I admit it or not.

"I'm halfway through..." I launch myself back onto the king-sized bed, resting my arm behind my head. I see Atlas' eyes widen and duck slightly behind her duvet trying to hide the red flowing from ear to ear, "You alright Blondie?" I grin.

"Uh..i.. yep... all good, all good..." She blinks rapidly.

"How was your Christmas, I take it it's not snowing back home?" I realise I haven't even asked her about her day, I can be so fucking self-centred sometimes- exactly why I'd be the worst boyfriend in the world. Even the word makes me shiver.

Something flashes across her face, it contorts slightly but is brushed away quickly with a hollow smile, "It was good... yeah not snowing down here yet but it is bitterly cold!"

I push up off my arm and lean down to pick up the keychain that lays on top of the Alabama shirt, I dangle it off my finger showing the camera and watch Atlas recoil further with a deeper shade of red covering her face.

"Oh... yeah... I know- I know we were only meant to uh, do the one present for... one person but I- I just wanted to get you something to say... thanks..." She stutters over the words boosting my smile, she's not as skittish and embarrassed as when I first hung with her but she still has her moments, it's just her personality and I love it.

"Thanks for what?"

"Stuff... just being you I-I- guess. Thanks." I think she might turn into a beetroot.

"You didn't have to get me anything Blondie but I appreciate It... how'd you get it here though?" I've been wondering about that since I unwrapped it.

"I gave it to your mom before you left." She confesses and it clicks as to why my mom was so smug downstairs, "I- I didn't know if it... would seem like I was... overstepping but I just wanted to- I... I don't know..." She looks overly flustered.

"You didn't. In fact, you did the opposite-"

"BLAZEY?" We're interrupted by the shrill of Gemma's voice coming from down the hallway... followed by my gramps.

"Knock before you go in honey... we don't know what he's up to." I roll my eyes enough for Atlas to see on the other end, she giggles as Gem knocks on my door.

"I can hear you... both." The door flings open and the yellow light from the hallway floods into my darkroom, I'd neglected to put a lamp on since the white from outside my window does a good enough job at casting light.

"Can you come down now so we can play monopoly?" My gramps' heavy footsteps following her into my room. Every year our family insists on playing a massive game of monopoly... which is great until my great aunt cheats, my sister ends up crying, my mom gets so 'tipsy' she's not sure what she's doing and my gramps gets so competitive that he and nana get into an argument. "What are you doing?" She climbs up onto my bed, "Atlas!" She squeals. I'm beginning to believe my sister prefers her over me, especially when she comes round to work on the project- she's constantly all over her and they usually end up dancing whilst I make dinner.

"Hey munchkin, happy Christmas!" Atlas smiles brightly on the other end, she never fails to remind me how much she loves my sister... but there's always a hint of sadness when she does which I still can't figure out.

"Happy Christmas! Gramps look it's Atlas!" She calls over her shoulder and I can hear him getting closer, looking over our shoulders. Atlas visibly sinks as far away from the camera as she can. She's not being rude she's just incredibly shy.

"Look! Both of you go downstairs... I'll be down in a minute." I snap, it comes off a lot harsher than I meant and I kiss Gem on the temple to make sure she knows I didn't mean it horribly. She still looks slightly upset and my heart breaks.

"But Blazey... I want to... I want to talk to Atlas! It's unfair! Why do you get to talk to her and I don't." She sulks and I face plant into my pillow with a groan listing to Atlas chuckle.

"Trust me, I'd rather be talking to you Gem... he's such a bore." They both giggle and I even hear my gramps find amusement in it before he signals he's going downstairs. Unlike my nana, he knows when to leave us alone, not to push me and give me my space, "Tell me what you got for Christmas!" And that is it. Gem snatches the phone from my hand and spends a lengthy amount of time telling her what she got, how her day went, specifically what she ate for dinner and Atlas listened to every word, intently like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"It sounds like you've had an amazing day and when you're back we can do some dancing in those new leotards!" Gem nods enthusiastically and before she can open her mouth again I have to but in.

"Shortcake why don't you go and help set up the game or gramps is going to take the dog piece again." Gems eyes widen and with that she says a very quick goodbye, jumps off my bed and disappears down the hallway, her feet becoming a distant thud on the stairs. As much as I know I need to go downstairs and try and be social I'd rather just stay here looking at her.

"You should probably go." She smiles sweetly with an expression I can't quite grasp, she looks content yet worried.

"Yeah... monopoly... what fun..." I mumble watching more snow fall outside.