This past week has been the worst, the hardest, a complete headfuck. I'm falling back into my old habits, bad fucking habits. Drinking too much, hitting things too hard, skipping out on school, being a general asshole and going out racing... too late at night. I think the worst part is I know I'm doing it but I won't stop it, I can't stop it because when I start to care again that's when it'll hurt and let me tell you, it really fucking hurts. It's better to give in to the bad than face the pain of the good, or whatever the fuck it would be.

She won't sit with us at lunch, any of us. She won't sit with us in class. She walks past us with her head bowed and spends most of her time studying under the tree in the courtyard. I know she's staying at Carrie's, she still talks to my mom on the phone, the odd text and secret phone calls when she thinks I'm out. Even getting her to do that was challenging enough, she tried to cut us all out again but my mom wouldn't have it. She says she needs space but I just want her back. I want my Atlas back.

She catches my eye as she walks into the cafeteria, the first day I've been in since Monday. Her hair falls over her face as she manoeuvres through bodies, I follow her all the way to the end of the room where she ducks out of the door and into the courtyard. Anger laces through me, she won't even look over at us, I can feel Vixxie's and Emily's eyes on me, pity running from them into the air around our table. I can't deal with this shit today. The bench beside me dips and a chicken burger and can of Coke are thrown haphazardly onto the table. A weight lands next to me and a hand is pulling back my hood. I flinch at the light and slap away Brady's hand. He peers obnoxiously at my face.

"Good to see you for once buddy, you look like shit." He nonchalantly bites into his burger.

"How about you fuck off," I grumble and push on the table getting up, everyone's eyes on me, mouths either wide or with food inside that's stopped being chewed.

"Blaze come on." Brady turns to look up at me but I ignore him and storm out of the cafeteria into the empty halls, knocking a few kids to the floor on the way. I used to like being this way, used to thrive off it but now it just pulses into that holes she left in me, the hollowness of her departure, the halls feel eerily quiet. My feet pound down the hallway echoing off the lockers.

"Blaze. Blaze!" The double doors behind me open and shut quickly with a bang, allowing the chatter from the busy lunchtime to flow around me assaulting my ears. "Blaze come on. Wait up!" His footsteps quicken into a jog.

"Leave me the fuck alone Brady," I mumble and his footsteps suddenly stop.

"No. You know what. Fuck you, Blaze." I swing around to face my friend, the anger that constantly brews under my skin rising to the surface.

"What the fuck did you just say." Brady stands his ground a few meters from me, arms by his sides, fists clenched.

"You're being a fucking asshole, to everyone, and I'm not going to stand for it anymore. You don't deserve it, we don't deserve it. I get you're hurt but she is too and she hasn't turned into this nasty fucker, she's turned into herself. Both of you need someone to talk to and both of you have hurt each other."

"You've fucking spoken to her?" My feet propel me until my face is in his, I can feel his steady breath hitting my face. "You're making it increasingly harder for me not to punch you Brady so shut you fucking-"

"Yeah I spoke to her, I speak to her every fucking day because she needs people around her, she's hurt and you do too Blaze. Talk to me, I need my best friend and if hitting me is what it takes for you to ta-" My fist hits his jaw with a mightly thwack that reverberates around us. Brady stumbles back but not far enough for me to think he didn't know it was coming. "Better?" He asks smugly. His smile is enough to send my hand back into the other side of his jaw. "Okay, you wanna play like that then. If this is what it takes Blazey, boy." He rolls his neck, the red welts more visible before he's charging at me, arms securing around my waist before I'm thrown to the floor with a whoosh. Brady's legs land on either side of me with a punch to my face. Pain radiates through my cheekbone but I welcome it, kicking at Brady until I strike a point in his back that has him falling on top of me, easier to flip him over so I've got the upper hand. My knuckles fly into his eye but he makes no sound only smirks harder, a ounce of guilt runs through me, "Come on Blaze, just talk to me. I can do this all day." I hit him again hard enough for him to shut up. His own fist snakes between us and has my neck craning back whilst my nose blossoms with pain. He turns me over so I'm under him pulling my arms behind my head and pinning them.

"You're not even trying now. You could have had me black out cold on the floor in the first few seconds Blaze." I struggle against his grip but he's right, "Why, fight back brother."

Brother.

A breath whooshes out of me and my body completely relaxes, my heart thumping, "It's the most I've felt all week, B. The pain." I mumble, staring at the red welts and trickle of blood that rolls down my brother's face all because of what my fist did. "Brady I'm s-"

"Nope. None of that shit. Come on." He gets off me and leans down with a hand, knuckles bruised. I take his hand and let him pull me up. He starts to walk towards the end of the hall towards the parking lot.

"Where are we going?"

"Firstly to get some lunch because someone made me leave mine behind and secondly to talk."

Brady unlocks the door with their one hand that's not holding the take out bag from Rubys, I opted to stay in the car whilst he bought his most likely third burger of the day. The door swings open into the large foyer, the double staircases running up either side. You can see straight through into the kitchen area and the back of the living room. Just as I step into the threshold a female voice calls out. Heels click into the foyer and Brady's mom waltzes in pushing a diamond earing into her ear, dressed in a smart black dress, blonde hair pinned in a low bun.

"Brady honey, you're home... way too early." She eyes him sceptically with the glare she gives her opponents in court.

"It's an emergency momma." He holds the bag up with a smirk earning him a slap to the shoulder, even in her heels she's minuscule next to his build.

"Hold on, what happened-" I shut the door carefully and face her, "Blaze." She walks past B and comes up to cup my cheeks assessing the welts on my own skin, "You boys never do grow up do you." She mutters softly, a warm sympathetic smile on her face, B definitely looks more like his mom. "I spoke to your mom earlier, the restraining orders have been settled with your father but I've dug around and gathered word that a warrant for his arrest is likely to go out soon so be careful alright." I nod. Nothing, I don't even care anymore. He can go to hell, I don't give a shit about him at all. Not right now. She pulls me into a hug, "I'm sorry about Atlas but you know what they say. If it's meant to be, it'll be. I think you're meant to happen, just hold out honey. Okay?" I grunt, it's hard to stay optimistic when the bit of hope you had walked out of your front door and won't even talk to me. She pulls back and tweaks my slightly less damaged cheek then walks back to the kitchen to grab the second earring and her black back that contains her car keys. "Alright, I'm off to work. I don't want to know why you both look like you've gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson or why you're skipping the last two periods but behave alright!" She eyes B specifically and waltzes to the door shutting it behind her.

"She loves you more than me," Brady grumbles heading towards the basements otherwise known as the man-child's cave. I follow him down into the room and watch as he launches himself onto the tattered couch and opens the brown bag. He pats the slither of the room next to him and beckons me to sit, "Right come on, talk to Daddy Brady."

"Never call yourself that again. Never."

"The girls love it." He winks, a strand of blonde hair falling into his eyes, he blows it away with ease. Smarmy.

"I can assure you they don't," I mumble, moving to sit on the couch, showing his legs onto the floor.

"Actually, Grace, Linda, Saffron, Lindsey-"

"Bro. I really don't want to know." He looks proudly at the fingers he's using to count.

"Pussy whipped." He coughs into the now-closed fist as I level him with a death glare, he chuckles shamelessly and shoves my shoulder playfully. This is the way it's always been, my best friend, my brother always got my back. "For real, serious talk now. Tell Dr Brady what's troubling young Beckett." I roll my eyes again at Brady's understanding of 'seriousness'.

"Nothing." I shrug pulling my hood over my head.

"Stop being a petulant child, pull your hood down because you look like a prick and talk to me. You're not Eminem." He yanks down my hood and actually puts his burger down. I say nothing and stare at the blank TV. Long tedious seconds tick by, he's giving me the chance to unload but... I can't. Quiet flicks past us, our breathing the only sound in the space until, "Atlas is scared. She's petrified and she's just doing what she's always done, she's sacrificing her happiness for everyone else around her. She thinks she's doing you a favour by taking herself out of your life. She's trying to save herself from the hurt to... she's terrified you'll leave her as everyone else has."

"You think I don't fucking know that. I regret what I said every fucking minute but guess what Brady! I fucking hurt too! She doesn't trust that I wouldn't do that to her and I understand she finds it hard but I'd think by now she should trust that I just wouldn't do that to her. She's the only person I could ever fucking want and she's tearing us in two!" My chest heaves, voice raw. " But I'm most scared I've fucked it up." My voice near whisper as I feel Bs arm around me.

"It'll be okay. I promise you. You guys have... something and it's something you can't just walk away from. She just needs space to figure this all out, its new to both of you but I think some time apart will be good for you both. You've been inseparable and sometimes lines can be blurred. I have no doubt that she does trust you but she... being cautious, trying to protect you both. Everyone fights, everyone needs time and space. Let her figure it out and use the time to sort yourself out because you are a fucking mess. You're like the old Blaze and that's not my best friend. Clean yourself the fuck up Blaze before it's too late." I wipe my eyes with the corners of my hoodie as B tightens his grip on me.

"You've never even had a fucking girlfriend how the fuck do you know all this." I sniffle into the neckline of the hood. He chuckles,

"You have a wise girlfriend who just happens to be my other best friend and things rub off on me." I laugh lightly against his shoulder.

"She is, isn't she. Fuck Brady. What have I done? I'm a fucking idiot." I sigh, I'd done the exact thing she'd be so disappointed in me for. I've royally fucked up.

"Yeah you are bro but you're my fucking idiot... give me a kiss." He puckers his lips in my face, I push him away laughing. The most I've laughed at this past week is because of this bafoon. "I'm serious though Blaze. Don't give up on yourself or on her because it's not over. It'll never be over between you two."

"Thanks, B. you've been a better brother to me than I've ever been to you." I sigh picking up a slightly cold burger from next to the bag.

"And this is where the little wise one would say 'stop putting yourself down all the time because you're more important to Brady than you could possibly know'." We both laugh because it is one hundred per cent what she's said and I fucking love her for it. " But I'm your brother Blaze, I'm always going to be here for you coz I love you."

"Ditto you fucking cringeo."