⚠️⚠️

Monét sat down on the chair in her psychiatrist office. She stared back at Dr. Smith. She was a 33-year-old black woman.

She made Monét feel like she was in a safe-space.

"Monét this is going to open a lot of wounds, there's going to cause a lot of pain, you're going to go through a lot of emotions and it'll open old wounds, unlock memories you tried to suppress. It's a painful process."

Monét nodded her head, biting down on the inside of her cheek.

"What brings you here?" Dr. Smith leaned back getting a feel of Monét.

"Um..." she chuckled lowly "A lot? Really. Childhood trauma, adulthood trauma, my disconnection with this pregnancy. Everything. Should I go more into depth?" Playing with her nails, she scanned the room. Eyeing the purple and blue oil paintings, turning her head to the side she realized how much it resembled Future's DS2 album cover.

"Monét... Monét." The sound of Dr. Smith calling her name pulled her back to reality, taking her eyes from the picture to her face she raised a brow.

"Have you ever seen a therapist or a psychiatrist before?"

"Yes and no. I've been shopping around for therapist, psychiatrist. So, I've been through these questions so many times, I wasn't as open as I should be either. I just haven't had that comfortability with anyone so hopefully this changes. I actually seen you on Instagram, I didn't even know I followed you but I like to force myself to stay up even when I'm nodding off like a crackhead" She placed her hand inside of her shirt and rested it on her stomach, rubbing it. Monét always had a habit of rubbing her stomach even before she was pregnant, so now that she was it just an instinct.

"Okay.... and, how have you been coping with the problems that brought you to therapy?" Monét chuckled, looking around the room.

"First it was sex... a lot of sex and alcohol. Patron was my best friend. I was going to sleep drunk. Going out and staying till 3 AM going home to sleep until 5 and made my way into work by 6. Now? I'm shopping all the damn time. I mean, laying beside my fiancé ordering things. Dragging him along to buy me things and he spoils me, a lot. It's seldom that he tells me no, we've been beefing for about two months, we're kinda good now.." She chuckled.

"Okay... and I know you stated family. How was your life growing up with your family?"

"I mean, we were cool. ALWAYS loud. There was so many of us, my immediate family to my cousins, aunts etc. etc. because we were such a loud family everyone's mouth moved a mile a minute so if you had to talk louder or cut someone off from talking you did that, if you had a joke? Say that shit quickly or get left behind, that's why my comebacks so quick. Now, my immediate family? Ha. It consisted of my twin brothers, my sister, my brother, me and my parents. Eventually my sister popped out a little one and he just added to the household. Everyone shared a zodiac sign. Two Cancers, two Leo's, Two Aries and after my nephew was born, we had two Aquarian's. So, you know there were some good and bad times. My sister and I were soooo close, we could be arguing and the moment anyone jumped in, we would switch up. We joked a lot. For a while we ignored the reality, we ignored our parents struggles because what the hell could we do? So everyday we went with the flow. We ignored it until somebody just blew the fuck up and those would be bad. I've burned my mother and grandmother before whom were trying to stop me because he was arguing with my sister. We've pulled out knives, all of it because we all had so much built of anger from what was going on around us." Dr. Smith nodded her heard writing things down.

"Have you ever thought about harming yourself or ending your life?"

"Yeah, I've tried the cutting thing once. That bitch is not all that, I been bucked up off that, that bitch is regular. Yeah, I've thought about ending my life. I would've been going down the same pole Lil Nas was" Monét laughed and Dr. Smith turned her head analyzing how Monét made jokes about things that weren't laughing matters.

"How connected do you feel to others around you?"

"I'm connected to everyone around me, I'm clingy to my fiancé Samael, I don't care if it's just like our fingers touching each other. I have to have some type of contact with him. The two months we went without talking I nearly died because we weren't touching. My friends? I feel like they're also my soul mates. It comes in different forms. I mean you have your lover and you have your friends. I've grown closer to Dom than Izzy. Dom did something and I was so angry with him but it quickly went away when I realized his intentions. He's grown to become my best friend. He's checking on me and the baby all day. Izzy, we're close as well. He's become so serious since we've moved to Chicago from New York. I don't feel a connection to my baby, every time there's a glimpse it falls short. The thought of abortion was still in her mind heavy. She realized that it was way deeper than her feelings of Samael."

"Your fiancé name is Samael?" Dr. Smith raised a brown, and Monét leaned forward, they had only been in Chicago two months, so she didn't know how she could possibly know Mael.

"Samael like the archangel? The Angel of Death? Your fiancé name is Samael?" Monét sat back in the chair blowing out a breath of air. She didn't want to have to beat Mael's ass today.

"That's mine, and imma stick beside him."

"I get it, I've just never met anyone with that name. What do you plan to accomplish in this therapy session?"

"I'm looking to heal, I know that I also have to put in the work to be healed, it won't happen over night and I'm going to have to deal with the emotions and feelings that comes with my life but ugh, I want to protect my baby. I want to save he/she from me and that's scary."

"Monét maybe your disconnection with your baby is from your fears. Your fear of even being a mother. You believe you're damaged. You have a severe form of depression. Throughout this whole session you've laughed instead of cried. Not one tear was shed but a bunch of jokes were made. I don't think it's because you don't take it serious but you've gotten so comfortable with protecting yourself from your emotions that, you just shut them off before you can feel them. It's unhealthy, it's okay to cry. Sometimes you have to spend a day lying in bed crying, to let something fill your mind, you have to face your emotions, you let that happen because everyone deserves that time. As long as you're getting back up after you face those emotions. This prenatal depression is something we're going to work on, and it may just be a symptom that's going to past when you go into a new trimester. Whatever it is, we're going to work through this."

Monét eyed her nodding her head, she understood every word but she still couldn't find it in her to let a tear drop and her mind flooded trying to make a joke out of this or a tik tok reference. She wanted to love her baby and for that she was going to work hard to become happy.

Standing up from the chair she smiled softly at Dr. Smith, "I think that we should do this weekly."

Monét shook her head no "We can make it bi-weekly. Just I don't grow tired of you quickly."

Dr. Smith looked at her confused but instead nodded her head. "I'll see you in two weeks Ms. Mitchell."

When Monét walked out of the office, Janine walked to the phone dialing a number.

"I didn't know she was pregnant! Why didn't you tell me that shit!" She screamed angrily. The voice on the other end laughed, hanging up the phone.

Hell hath no fury, like a family scorned.