I was at the bar which I found while taking the tour of the house. Everything was the same as it was 5 months back but the bar. I really needed a drink so I sat there drinking. I started drinking 3 months ago after I lost our baby. It was unbearable. I lost him then our baby. There was no one to hold me or to be there with me. I was all by myself. I thought I would die and tried to but every time I would stand to kill myself he would come in front of my eyes. The thought of seeing him again kept me alive. I love him, I really do but he doesn't and it hurts.

After a couple of drinks, I went to the garden cause I started to feel suffocation. I shivered a little as I stepped my foot into the garden. It was cold outside. I stood there closing my eyes and suddenly I felt cloth on my body. I turned to find him and my heart started to beat faster. He still had so much effect on me that he could nearly bring me to my knees and I wouldn't be able to do anything. He gave me a soft smile. I stood there looking at him. He was so handsome. And for me, he was too handsome. I know I never deserved him. There was no comparison between us. I slowly touched his face and smiled.

"You are so handsome," I said. It took him some time to realize I was drunk.

"You are.... drunk?" He asked but I ignored him. I stood there just admiring him. I wasn't fully drunk, maybe a little.

"I hate you," I blurt out.

He smiled.

"And your smile," I said pulling my hand back. He came close and I stared at his eyes for a while then everything hit me at once.

"I have to tell him the truth," I told myself.

But how? What if he hates me after he hears everything? What if he ask me to leave like he always did. Thinking about everything pained me to the core. A lump formed in my throat and I did my best to control it but couldn't. Tears formed in my eyes, fucking tears. Why do I always have to feel this emotional around him? I turned my gaze at his chest and suddenly sob tore from my throat. I couldn't control myself and I hate myself for that. Why can't I control myself?

"Hey, hey," he said touching my cheeks, wiping my tears.

"Don't cry, please," he said pulling me to hug. "Shush, it's ok,"

I missed his body, his scent, and his warmth. I clung to him and cried. I haven't told anyone about our baby. I know there was no one I could tell besides my sister but I didn't instead I kept it all inside me and died a little every day.

"I need to....te..ll...you some..thing," I said in the middle of a sob. He slowly rubbed my back. I wanted to speak but it became so difficult to even speak a word.

"I....I.. found out...I was....preg..." I stopped. I shook my head at his chest.

"I was preg...nant. I found out after....after two weeks ...... I..I ..." He stopped rubbing my back.

"Lost...mis..car.....iage after.....t-w-o....months," I said and I felt his heartbeat beating faster. I was waiting for him to push me back and yell at me but instead, I felt a drop of tear in my neck. He was crying.

"I am so..... so.....rry. I..... killed our ch..ild," I said but he didn't speak a word.

There was pin-drop silence. I was afraid he would hate me or push me away but then,

"It was not your fault," he finally said, holding me tightly in his arms.

I looked at him slowly. He had tears in his eyes. I shook my head and took a step back, slowly getting out of his hold.

"You don't hate me?" I asked confused and he just stared at me.

"I killed our child," I said lightly hitting my chest. "I fucking killed our baby. I wished it to never be born. I wished our child death and life took it away and punished me," I said putting my hand on my mouth and crying. He came close and kept his hands on either side of my cheeks.

"Maya, hey....I am.... so... sorry. You had to go through this.... alone. It was all my fault. I wasn't even there when you needed me. Please don't blame yourself. Blame me, it was my fault,"

Why was he sorry?

"No, no you must hate me," I said shaking my head.

"You want me to hate you ?" He asked and I nodded.

He shook his head looked up and chuckled sadly. His eyes brimmed with tears.

"Why not? I am a... cruel person. I don't deserve love. I wished our child death, death, do you hear me," I almost screamed hoping he would get angry but instead he pulled me towards him and hugged me.

"Stop it.....it wasn't your fault," he said "You can never do wrong to anyone. I know there must be a reason why you wished that but I know it too that you didn't wish that from your heart. I know you very well,"

Know me well? Why was he being so nice to me, why?

We stayed like that for a while and I don't know what I thought. I whispered to him that I missed him. I didn't want to get out of his warmth. I was tired and he told me that we should get inside and I nodded but as I was about to walk, my feet betrayed me so he carried me inside.

I clung to him afraid he would disappear. It felt so good to be near him after these past unbearable months.

"Don't let me go again," I told him, barely in a whisper.

"I won't," I heard him say and this made me happy.

While lying on the bed, I asked him more than 100 times if he hates me and the answer was no.

I looked at his lips and thought about kissing him. As if he knew what I was thinking he slowly kissed me. He tastes the same. I stared at his beautiful eyes. I was drunk so I got the courage to say or do anything.

"I am sorry," he said and I shook my head.

"If I had not let you go, this day would have never come. It was my fault. Everything I did......"

"No," I said cutting him off and putting my hand on his lips. He smiled at my reaction.

I started to caress his cheeks and he leaned on my hand not taking his eyes off me.

"Even though I hate you for that. I don't think it's your fault," I said and closed my eyes.

I took his scent and smiled. After a long time, I felt safe again. I felt the warmth I was longing for and above all I was with him, lying beside him. After that, I heard him say something like "For you" but I didn't hear him clearly cause sleep consumed me.