Ever since I found out that Oliver has been talking to Ella, my thoughts have been in overdrive. And my regret is stronger than it has ever been because I regret walking away from her and not the game.

there's no excuse for it other than me being selfish and wanting what I wanted at the time. But now I'm seeing maybe it wasn't worth it, years ago I thought to myself after I walked away from her that I would just make it big, that I would fulfill my dream of being a pro football player.

And then I would track down Ella and I would beg and beg for her forgiveness. I would tell her how much I loved her, and how she would always be the only girl for me.

I never did though, even after I fulfilled my dream. The years passed by and

I never had the balls to found her, honestly, I was scared too because I knew deep down that I didn't deserve her forgiveness, or a second chance with her a part of me knew that she would never love me the way she once did.

It's pathetic I know but I've never been able to move on from that regret, I live with it every day and maybe I should because you don't hurt the person who means more to you than anyone else in this world, and I did that, but if I could take it back, get a do-over than I would stay or I would have fought for her, except there are no do-overs in life.

You make choices and then you have to live with those choices. I'm living with mine; I have to but it's painful and I have nobody to blame other than myself.

That said I can't believe Oliver has been in contact with Ella for this long. I mean I can't get my head around it, she's here, she's in reaching distance and my brother has known that and didn't bother to tell me. And okay maybe I understand why he didn't, especially if she asked him not to.

But personally, I thought we were closer than that, even though I've accepted why he didn't tell me, because he was keeping a promise to Ella, still, he should have told me.

I would really like to see her again, speak to her maybe explain things. I know I have no right to ask her to see me again, but I'm hoping that if Oliver can pass on that I would like to, that she might be open to the idea of seeing me again but who knows maybe she never will be, ready to speak to me again, It's not like I can even blame her.

Snapping out of my thoughts as I hear my phone beep, reaching over and grabbed it to see a message from an unknown number, which is weird because only a few people I know, and trust have this personal number. Shrugging my shoulders and open the message.

Re-reading the message my gaze stuck on the words, she's willing to see me. In two hours. I'm not sure how this is going to play out, but all that matters is that she's willing to see me, talk to me even and I have to do this. even if she yells at me, hits me, because however bad this might go, I deserve it for leaving her, for walking away from the love that we had together.

It's time to face Ella for the first time in years.

Sitting in the coffee shop with a coffee in front of me, trying to calm my nerves and focus on something else, other than waiting for him to show up but my eyes keep going to the entrance.

This morning when I texted Scott, about meeting up it was mostly to get Oliver off my back. The truth is I really don't want to see Scott, I don't want to talk to him about the past, because it's too painful and it took a long time to heal after everything that happened with us.

And dragging it all up again, which I know he's going to do just seems really pointless to me and something that I never wanted to do, but that said I also know what Oliver is like and he won't drop this, and if he doesn't back off eventually Remi existence is going to be known and I don't want that. Because I only see two ways that it would end.

One, Scott would deny his daughter and so would the rest of his family, they would walk away and that would be that. Which personally to me would be the best outcome because at least then I would know Remi was safe.

Two would be that they request a DNA test to see if she really is Scott's child, which she is, and after that is proven they would try and take her from me.

I wouldn't let that happen; I've been a part of the Vaughan's circle/ world.

It's Toxic and you have to be something that you're not, you have to have a certain lifestyle, and believe me, it's not a place you want to be either if you managed to get out somehow, you still left with a few burns especially from Valerie.

And I don't want that for Remi, I don't want her to be a part of that toxin. And she will be exposed to it if Valerie were to ever know about her, and she would find out because Scott doesn't keep things from his mother he never has. I don't want my daughter ever thinking she's not good enough, or that she has to be a certain way in life.

I want her to grow up, surrounded by love, in a world where she can be whoever she wants to be one day, and I want her to know that no matter where you come from you treat people with kindness and respect, I'm trying to give her all that and teach her all that every day, but Valerie won't.

In all of this I just want my daughter to be happy, is that so wrong? Maybe keeping this from Scott has been playing with fire from the start, but the moment I felt Remi kick from inside of me to the moment the nurse placed her on my chest moments after she was born, I swore to protect her, to love her and take care of her.

Right now, that's what I am doing, even if it may be the wrong way but it's my way, it's a mother's way of protecting her child.

Pulling out of my own thoughts as a shadow flickers in front of me, looking up to see Scott himself, limping towards me, and then takes a seat without saying anything to me, but his eyes never leave mine. He looks the same as he did in the hospital a few weeks, just more healed but he still looks like that high school boy that I once loved.

After a few seconds of silence between us, Scott finally begins to talk.

"It's really good to see you Ella" He announced, nudging the coffee cup a little, and then looked up to him. I didn't come here for small talk; I just want to know what he wants and then I can walk out of here and never see him again.

"Why I am here Scott?.... Why ask Oliver if I was willing to meet? There's nothing to say anymore-"I cut off and sighed getting right to the point, I don't mean to be rude but I don't really see the point in this, because I'm not willing to spill my guts about our daughter just yet. And that was the only time I ever planned on seeing him again, was when I chose to tell him about his daughter, and today is not that fucking day.

He looks at me for a moment, I can see the pain in his eyes and my heart hurts for him, and hate that it does. There's one thing that I learned from when I first saw him in the hospital a few weeks ago, that I would never stop feeling something for Scott because he is the father of my child and he was my first everything.

He will always be a part of me; I can't deny that to anyone who was to ever ask me, but it doesn't mean that my heart is fully healed or I'm willing to forgive him.

"I have something to say" He echoes up, shaking my head and sighed waiting for him to carry on, but he just remains silent.

"Any day then.... some of us do have jobs to get to?" I shot back,

"Look I suppose I just wanted to say that... I'm sorry Ella....sorry for everything" Scott firmly says to me, and there's a soundwave in his tone that I can't quite place, a sound like sadness or pain.

"Scott let's not do this okay" I replied and began moving to get up, Scott grabs my hand to stop me, letting my eyes linger on our hands for a moment before snatching my hand away from his and sat back down.

"We have to...or at least I have to," He says to me, shaking my head and stayed quiet waiting for him to say what he has to. Scott takes a moment to just look at me.

"Elly-;" He begins but only to cut off when he notices me wincing at the nickname, he gave me years ago.

"what happened five years ago, stays with me every day because I live with the regret of hurting you. The person who I loved more than anyone else, and I will never forgive myself for that.....And I need you to know that I am sorry ....if I could change it I would in a heartbeat" He added quietly.

"What I am supposed to say to that Scott? Should I cry? Tell you I forgive you?" I barked at him, annoyed at him for making me sit and listen to him try and justify his actions.

Because I don't know what the hell, he wants from me. The truth is I haven't mattered to him in all most five years, so I'm just supposed to take his words to heart.

If he really believes anything, he just said to me, and actually regretted a god damn thing, then he would have said it years ago, found me years ago.

But he didn't, my guess is he's only here now because I'm in reach not because he actually cares about me, he didn't back then, and I doubt he does now.

"No, I don't want you to forgive me, I would never ask for your forgiveness. But you should be angry, you should hit me, you should yell at me and call me names because I deserve it" He said, letting my eyes linger on him for a few seconds.

Years ago, I probably would have hit him, yelled at him but what is that going to change? It's going to change nothing, I don't have the energy to fight or be angry anymore, I had to let all that anger go years ago, so it wouldn't affect my daughter.

"Being angry, hitting you... would still imply that I care, sorry to break it to you but I don't care anymore" I lied to him.

the truth is a part of me still cares, and a part of me still thinks about what kind of life we would have had, if he didn't leave or what kind of family we could have been but he doesn't need to know any of that.

"Ella" He begins saying with pain in his voice, cutting off with the wave of my hand, because I've had enough of memory line now, I've had enough of this.

"What happened with us is in the past Scotty....we were in love and we had some really good times, but somethings they're just not meant to be-" I started to say and shook my head before meeting his gaze again,

"and together we were one of those things. we would have ended up apart anyway.... yeah, I was hurt when you left me, and I was heartbroken for a long time after. But I'm okay now, I have a good life, a job that I love, my mom is here with me, also I have someone in my life who makes me smile every day-;" I said as I thought of Remi, who does make me smile every day and who makes my life worth living.

"You don't need my forgiveness, you need to forgive yourself and move on from the past because we can't change it, we can't fix it either," I added and got up from the table and grabbed my bag from the floor and took a few steps towards the side of him. taking a deep breath and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek, whispering,

"Goodbye Scotty"

With that I walked out of the coffee shop with my head held up, feeling at peace a little. I know one day I will have to answer for keeping Remi away from her father, but that time is not now and Scott really does need to forgive himself for breaking my heart, also it's only going to cause him more pain when he finds out that I was pregnant at the time too.

Today has proved that I want him to know about Remi, and I am going to tell him soon but for now, I think he needs to heal a bit first. I've healed from the last five years, but I had to because I had Remi to care for, I had to be strong for her.

Scott didn't have that, so he's spent the last few years being at war with himself, and he needs to let that pain go, and then maybe he might be able to be a father one day to our daughter.