You were my fisherman

You caught my eye

in an ocean filled with beautiful beings

and picked me

But you were a fisherman for fun

Catching prey and throwing it back

Just to pass time

Just to pass time you decided to capture me

your hook knew what it was doing

For I, blindly in love,

was mesmerized by it

The sense of danger must have escaped me

A kidnapping I wasn't even aware of

But hobbies will always stay hobbies, won't they?

And so, you let go

Still, I find myself swimming near the place you used to go fishing

You were my alarm clock

You woke me up

from a sleep so deep,

where everything was lost, constantly dreaming

even when awake

The winter in my heart

kept the climate cold and inhabitable

Until your mouth formed spring

and blew it towards me

Three words from you made me see

that spring can come even in the coldest places

That rain is pretty but so is the rainbow

That my heart could get used to your warmth

That I was allowed to feel

You couldn't have known

That when the winter leaves,

the bear awakes

The bear I forcefully put to sleep

As it has killed everything that has gotten a bit too close

a bit too near

a bit too dear

To me

The intrusive monster you taught to get stronger

By feeding it things you knew would set it off

A bear that I knew existed

But never wanted people to see

And you're so not fair

For you got to see.

Why did you wake me up?

Why did you act like you couldn't see the bear? When in reality,

it was eating us whole

And though I knew it'd end in a massacre

Still, I would stay awake with you,

watch the night sky for as long as eternity

Or at least

until the beast rip us apart

You were my Judas

Always by me, always loving

You found your religion, you said, and it was me

You kissed me and made me feel like I existed just to be right there, next to you

But then the soldiers came disguised as fights, disguised as screaming and as violence

And you showed them the way to me

How much did those soldiers offer you to choose them over me?

Why didn't you choose me?

What was it, that was worthy enough

for me to be given up on?

Me for peace?

Me for silence?

Me for nothing?

And just like that

Everything real became a lie

Your kisses

Your words

Your hands touching mine

Still, I would let you betray me a million times more if it meant that your lips would touch mine again

You were my drug

I always thought I was too smart to let my life go to waste on alcohol and drugs and that arrogance meant everything

until I saw you

Nothing made me want to risk my life,

become addicted, ruin everything I had built until now just for a moment of happiness

And so your touch became my heroin

and I became addicted

Trapped between your fingers

I knew it'd kill me if there was nothing left of you

Though I thought you'd stay the bad influence

for just a while longer

Where are you now? I need you, please

Just one more fix, you can't do this to me

And like a junkie I begged

and cried

And bargained

And threatened

And shouted

And you teared up

Looking at what I had become

my wounds

my swollen eyes

My mouth that's shaking

My focus locked on you

And at my desperate eyes

You felt nothing but

Pity

"There's nothing left to give,

the side effects will die out"

funny how you'd say that

when the only thing

I wanted to let die out was me

Still, the side effects are worth the pleasure

Even when the side effect is to never feel alive again

Until I find you

Until you return

I'll keep swimming around

in case you'd like to play

I'll keep my door open in case you'd want to release me from this nightmare

I'll keep being near in case you need a religion to hold you together

I'll keep doing the same drugs

The ones that make my mind numb

For an hour or two

To forget for awhile

That you're gone forever