It began in flashes of his senses. Sharp smells and sights and sounds that were so fleeting that it could have been his imagination.

Cale wasn't naive enough to dismiss such a fragile clue though. Especially when the obnoxious state of sobriety that he lived in didn't offer him any such reprieve from his thoughts. Alberu had been quite firm about his alcohol intake, not forbidding it, but making it abundantly clear that he would be deeply disappointed if Cale over indulged.

So instead he was clear headed and he had all the time in the world to think. Especially when Alberu stopped taking time off work because Cale had stabilized and he didn't have to worry as much.

It didn't take long for Cale to notice a certain pattern to the flashes. They always happened when Cale approached a very specific mental state.

And the flashes were always of his home. The place he desperately wanted to return to and the place he dreaded.

Cale could clearly remember what he'd been thinking about the day he swapped places for the first time. The spiral of negativity he'd been drunk on and the pivotal question he'd asked himself.

How did he solve the mess he'd gotten himself into?

His solution had been death, as life itself was pain. And as though to mock his answer, the gods had shown him a world where he'd chosen a different answer. A better answer.

He hated it.

The single hint he had for a way to link himself to his old world and yet he couldn't bring himself to explore it because of how his gut twisted at the mere thought.

It wasn't just his pride.

"What's wrong?"

Cale flinched away from Alberu's concerned hand that had grazed against his forehead in such a casual show of concern that it irked him to no end. "Nothing." He snapped, trying to muster any sincere anger and failing.

Alberu frowned, silently getting up from the couch and heading towards the kitchen. Giving Cale just enough space to regret trying to pick a fight before he returned with a warm mug of hot chocolate, passing it over to Cale with a placating smile. "Want to talk about it?"

'...I fucking hate him.' Cale grit his teeth, accepting the mug and barely restraining the whole plethora of emotions that snuck around underneath his skin, flowing with the blood of his veins and infecting every inch of him with this unshakable and undeniable emotion.

Alberu sat with his coffee and waited with calm patience for Cale to make up his mind.

"...I want to go home." Cale said sourly, looking away as he lied.

What he wanted was right in front of him.

"I understand." Alberu said and he didn't offer any other consolation. He didn't say it's okay because it wasn't and he didn't say we'll figure it out because he wasn't a liar.

Cale hated that. Hated how Alberu was just the right temperature to give him no excuses to boil over. Hated how he was so easily comforted by such simple honesty.

"What would you do if I went home right now?" Cale asked out of the blue, feigning hypotheticals as he thought about his singular hint to return and resented it all the more.

Alberu was silent for a long time before he found his answer. "...I'm really not sure."

Cale clenched his fists and looked away, his heart agonized in his chest.

What would it matter to Alberu? He'd have the person he truly wanted and Cale–

Cale would never see him again.

Whatever fragile bond had been forged through adversity would snap. Alberu would never have a reason to spare another thought for the alternate version of the man he loved. He'd have the person he truly desired and that was the end.

Every moment that had meant everything to Cale would amount to nothing in his eyes.

Worthless.

Cale was a mere worthless place-holder for the real one for whom Alberu actually longed for. And there would be no comfort for Cale.

If everything Alberu said was true about Cale truly being identical in personality to his counterpart then logic dictated that Alberu would be identical as well.

Alberu Crossman. The crown prince. A man who Cale was unlikely to directly interact with in his whole life. He joked around about his other self finding and fucking Alberu but logically speaking, how would such a spectacle even be possible?

Cale had no connection to him. No means of forging a bond with him. And no desire to do so either.

Perhaps his counterpart would have even succeeded in bedding the crown prince and then what? Another Alberu who searched for a stranger in his eyes? Cale forever living on as second best to his better self who was the role-model that the gods wished for him to emulate?

Disgusting.

No matter where he turned or what he did, Cale would never be the man who was truly in Alberu's heart.

And yet, even knowing how torturous it was to live as just a worthless second-best, Cale couldn't let go.

"What do you miss?"

Cale clenched his fists and hated Alberu more than ever.

He missed being able to spiral miserably in his suicidally driven thoughts of despair without the complexities of knowing how his life could have been. Even ignoring the inevitable heartbreak that the crown prince presented, his other self had everything else. All the things Cale could have if he wasn't such a fucking failure.

He missed the simplicity of feeling wretched and worthless. It was a disgusting feeling that made him want to die but it was simple and he couldn't handle all the thousands of the ways his heart broke in this world.

He was forced to swallow hope and all of the despair that fueled him gagged as though hope was poison.

Perhaps hope was poison to despair.

"The peace and quiet." Cale snapped back, taking a sip of his perfectly prepared drink. He was sure that the stupid crown prince wouldn't be any good at preparing drinks like this. He was probably the worst. Cale hated him a lot.

Hated that monarchs didn't have the choice to marry for love. It was about politics and offsprings and bloodlines.

And while Cale watched the crown prince find a suitable future queen, this Alberu and his stupid other self would finally finish planning their stupid wedding and live happily ever after without him screwing up their perfect lives.

Alberu's hand was placed on Cale's own and it was only then that he realized his hand was trembling. Cale clenched his mouth and glared at his hand as though it were a traitor.

"It's okay." Alberu said, as affectionate and loving as ever and Cale hated how it made him feel. "No matter what happens, I'll make sure you're okay."

It broke Cale's heart.

Alberu meant it. He really did. He was committed to guaranteeing Cale's happiness.

Even if it meant losing the person he really loved. Even if it meant Cale left his side. He was sincere and dedicated and such an idiot.

Cale pulled his hand away and glowered at Alberu with a shaken resolution.

He had to go home. He knew that. He couldn't tolerate living like this forever. He couldn't stand being his other selves replacement and he was more than capable of handling his own life. He understood that possibilities existed for happiness and mended bridges that he'd tried so hard to break. He knew that if he chose the correct path, perhaps he could have almost everything his other self did.

But never Alberu. He would never truly have this man.

He had to go back.

But would it be so bad if he didn't? If he hid away like a coward and stole his other self's life. One day the ache of being an imposter would surely fade and all that would be left would be the love and dedication of friends and family and a man he truly loved.

Couldn't he be a coward and just hide here?

"...and what if I asked you for something impossible?" Cale asked snidely, feeling cruel and twisted up on the inside.

"Well, that'd be pretty common for you to do." Alberu replied with an easy smile and ruffled his hair affectionately.

Cale dropped the mug onto the ground and stormed away, slamming the bathroom door shut and sliding to the floor as he tried to catch the falling shards of his heart.

Despite his every selfish desire Cale knew he couldn't do that to Alberu. Maybe to his other self, fuck that guy, but not to Alberu.

Cale had always been prone to selfless love and once he loved a person he couldn't place his own happiness above theirs. He just couldn't.

Any fantasy of making Alberu his own and taking this life was dead before conception. Cale loved Alberu, truly and wholly.

His lip trembled as he suppressed a wretched sob.

Every gentle touch, comfort, every moment where he allowed himself to believe that the love in Alberu's eyes belonged to him, everything would come to an end the moment Cale returned to his own life.

And he would need to return to his own horrible life to doubtlessly fail where his other self had succeeded. Cale was destined to be nothing more than a forgettable shadow.

A gentle knock on the door disrupted Cale's spiraling negativity. "I know you want space."

"Then fuck off!" Cale cursed, bashing his fist against the door to scare Alberu off and hating himself even more for it.

"But." Alberu continued, apparently undaunted by Cale's pseudo threatening behavior. "I gave your question some thought."

Cale tensed, miserable and terrified. He didn't want to hear this. Whatever he was going to say it would surely be intolerable.

"I'd miss you."

Cale closed his eyes and tried to remember how to breathe.

"Even with you–him–at my side, I'd still miss you." Alberu continued, mindless of how he was destroying every single one of Cale's worthless defenses. Alberu chuckled awkwardly. "In an ideal world, I'd like you both."

"Kinky bastard." Cale accused but his scathing wrath was weaker.

"As much as I think that would be a delightful experiment." Alberu continued completely undaunted. Cale snorted. He liked that about the bastard. "I mean it. I care about you. Of course I love him and of course I want him back but that doesn't mean I don't care about you."

It was disgusting how good at reading his hidden emotions Alberu was. How long must it have taken with his Cale to learn all of the little signs to understand what Cale fought so furiously to hide? To have the patience for such a feat surely made Alberu a mad-man.

"...why should I care." Cale said dismissively but even he could hear how his strength had waned.

"You don't have to." Alberu said, just on the other side of the door. Just at his side even when Cale did everything to chase him away. "I just wanted you to know. I love you. I really do. It's not simple or easy but it's there. I can't help but love you, if I could control it then I probably wouldn't have fallen for him either."

"Why? He not your type?" Cale asked.

"There's only so many times a guy can throw a chair at your head before you get the idea that maybe you should back off." Alberu chuckled. "Until you figure out that he's been missing you on purpose the whole fucking time."

Cale laughed and laughed and cried. When Alberu opened the door, he allowed the stupid bastard to hug him and chase his fears away.

He'd say goodbye to this perfectly imperfect love and probably never find anything like it again.

He'd never know what it felt like to be loved by Alberu Crossman again in his life.

But he'd let it go.

Because he couldn't help but love Alberu either.