"You know what? Leave it." Taehyung said looking away. Embarrassment, guilt of why did he even ask Jeon Jeongguk out of the whole population to help him with this and he can't regret anymore than how much he was regretting right now.

"I will leave," Taehyung said standing up quickly and wanted to leave before the blond could say anything else further but that couldn't happen when he again captured his wrist stopping him midway, "Hey, listen."

"Leave me, I embarrased myself enough, didn't I?" the brunet questioned not even looking at the other as silent tears started forming at the corner of his eyes, "Let go."

"Taehyung, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to, I thought you wouldn't do that, it was just to mess with you―" Jeongguk pulled himself to his feet as well and took a step closer to the one back facing him.

"I am sorry," Jeongguk whispered near the other's ear who blinked finally letting the tears roll down the cheeks and hit the floor below, "Please don't cry, I hate it when someone cries because of me. Doesn't matter even if it's you Taehyung."

"Oh really?" Taehyung with that harsh tone asked turning around to meet the other's baffled expression who looked down at his feet trying to form words but nothing came out.

"You really don't know then how much of tears I shed because of you, whenever you cheated and got extra points, whenever you fucked up and dragged me in the dirt, my father believed, I was blamed when I wasn't at fault. He told me what not, Jeon. He even doubted if I was his son or not because you know I am not smart enough even though I worked my arse off for everything he wanted. You―" Jeongguk poked his pointed finger on Jeongguk's chest and looked up with eyes full of tears, on the way to fall.

"For you, I never got the appreciation. You Jeon Jeongguk has been the greatest hurdle in the race of me being a good son to my dad, and now you just did what?" Taehyung's hands now trailed up Jeongguk's ribs as he reached out for the other's t-shirt and pulled it close causing him to get closer as well.

"Tell me, would a sorry suffice?"

"Jeongguk, tell me." Taehyung whispered getting closer, their faces basically some centimetres away from each other's and the blond never felt so bad about whatever he does in school for the grades or trying to get Taehyung in trouble.

Jeongguk realized how Taehyung actually never did anything compared to whatever he did. Maybe just getting his pants off in the hallway and slipping notes with filthy words but more than that, no. Never.

He realized how Taehyung would always say harsh stuff but never acted upon them and it was himself with his friends always trying to drag Taehyung in troubles he was never associated with. He wasn't like him.

Realization did hit him and it hit him hard. Now he didn't know how to react seeing those next batch of tears rushing down the other's sun kissed honey dripping tan skin.

"I am sorry is all I can say."

"Of course." Taehyung bitterly let out a chuckle and pushed the other away.

"I will teach you how to do that spell," Jeongguk shut his eyes closed when he spoke cause he knew how much of a big stupid he sounded like when he said that and the timing. Man, his timing was bullshit.

Taehyung just stared at him in disbelief and at one point opened his mouth to say something but couldn't as he was just so contemplated at what to say.

"It isn't all about the spell I am talking about, what the hell?" Taehyung finally said those words and Jeongguk stayed quiet, "You're impossible."

"Listen to me," Jeongguk didn't just let the other leave as he again stopped him grasping his wrist, "I know it isn't about the spell but maybe that's the least I can do."

"No, don't need your help." Taehyung whispered, his voice small as he kept his tears in. Breaking down in front of Jeongguk wasn't actually something he never dreamt off but all the feelings, all the things he bottled inside him was so heavy now. The bottle was now filled and he can't do it anymore.

He sucked in a shaky breath and turned around. Freeing his hand from the other's hold which Jeongguk obviously didn't give force on seeing how red Taehyung's eyes got, "You wanna see something, Jeongguk?"

"What?"

"See why I want to learn that spell?" Taehyung asked, his voice nothing more than just a murmur that caused the other to nod and step back.

Taehyung did it in the heat of the moment because all he realized was that he shouldn't have done what he just did.

Pulling his sleeve up to reveal that nasty scar around the skin of his wrist which missed the vital vein by only a few millimetres was so clear. The blond was shocked just like anyone else would be.

That can't be it.

He tried committing suicide in the past.

"Did you―" Jeongguk grabbed the other's hand and pulled it up, his eyes widening at the scar while the other let out a loud sob, "Is that for something I did Taehyung? Please say no."

Jeongguk didn't even feel when his tears started flowing down his cheeks and he reached out for Taehyung for a hug, "Please, Taehyung say that it wasn't for me, you didn't take this big bad step for some of my stupidity."

"Get the fuck off," Taehyung was the one to push him away and glare at him, "Forget that I ever showed that to you, you tell this to anyone and I swear, I swear I will do something you won't like."

Kim Taehyung felt like trash. His feelings were a mess and he lost control. He lost his control over things, over himself and ended up showing the biggest secret of his life to whom? Jeon Jeongguk?

Hell, that was not supposed to happen.

Never in his wildest dreams but it did and there was no turning back but did he even know what was going inside Jeongguk who instantly picked the fact inside his brain that he might be the reason. Probably he thought it wasn't that of a big issue but maybe for the older, it was. Thousands of questions linger around his mind and he can't get this off his chest until he sought some answers from the other.

"Taehyung, listen to me―" Jeongguk tried to calm the other down as he was panicking, he was taking these deep breaths as he gasped for more air but when the blond made him sit down on the edge of the bed and crouched down in front of him, he finally was stable.

"What, Jeongguk? You're fucking me and my brains up. Don't you dare talk to me again. I don't want to see your ugly face." Taehyung shut his eyes close and spoke those words while Jeongguk just thought about how this thing might be his fault in some way.

"Did you try this because of me, be honest?" he with the lowest pitch asked cause that sudden guilt building inside of him was going to kill him if he didn't hear an answer, that too a negative.

"I was tired of being a disappointment. Whatever I did was never enough. Thank God, I never cut at the right place but this damn scar― it reminds me of that night whenever I see it. Of course whatever you did back then was a problem for me but it wasn't actually for you, it was my father. I just wanted to disappear when he said I probably wasn't his son because his son can't be a fucking failure;" Taehyung slowly explained as he took gaps in between his sentences trying to calm himself down, "It was a big mistake."

"Losing your life because of him? It's straight up stupidity." Jeongguk said, looking up at the other who now stopped crying and settled down now.

"It's hard on my part, Jeongguk. You don't know it so you don't have the right to speak about it." the older one said, pulling out his hands which the latter was holding on to, "You don't have to feel guilty or anything. You surely were triggering but the reason wasn't you, it was myself and my wishes to be an ideal son."

"I know I don't have a right to say this but you are too harsh on yourself, don't do that. He isn't worth it. I am not competing because my father is the mage or he told me to, I am competing because I want this,"

"You tell me, do you want the same?"

Taehyung sighed, "Stop distracting me and that attempt, it was a mistake, a fucking mistake I will never forget and would never like never repeat it."

"You better not because everytime you won't be lucky, mate." Jeongguk let out a smile knowing that it wasn't his fault, well maybe partially but none of it was on purpose. Even though he felt a little light but he can't actually totally forget how he was still a reason, Taehyung had to take that step.

"It's been almost one and a half year Jeongguk, I have grown up and now understand how things work, I know suicide is bullshit and is the most fucked up thing," Taehyung informed and before he could say anything else, he glared at the other and grabbed his collars leaning down.

"Are you going to kiss me?"

"Shush motherfucker―" Taehyung rolled his eyes.

"Only Jimin knew about this and now you, but I request you to not tell this to anyone. I know we aren't on good terms but please, don't you fucking spill." Taehyung through gritted teeth said and Jeongguk let out a chuckle.

"Great way to request, babe. Isn't it?"

"Promise me." Taehyung said pushing him away and pulled out his pinky finger and held it in the air, "If you break it, I will cut your pinky off your hand and I mean it."

"Seriously, what are you? Twelve?" Jeongguk laughed but the older was serious and moved his finger in front of Jeongguk's eyes to which he signed and laced his own finger with it, "Yeah, pinky promise."

"But I also want a promise back."

"And what's that?"

"You will never self harm again―" Jeongguk couldn't finish his sentence when Taehyung cut him off, "I guess, you and I speak the same language, don't we? Then why the fuck don't you get it that I won't do it again."

"Just a pinky promise to keep your secret a secret."

"Whore," Taehyung glared for the thousandth time now and this time it was him to intertwine their tiny fingers.

"Let me erase the scar," Jeongguk grabbed his wand from the bed but the other opposed the idea as he saw him shake his head no, "No, I gave it to myself, I will be the one to erase it. Not you. You can just teach me."

"Alright, fair enough."

"But not today. For now I just want some rest. I am exhausted." Taehyung said pulling himself to his feet when Jeongguk moved aside.

"Whatever happened today, Jeon― I beg you to never mention about this to anyone. Remember your promise."

Jeongguk watched the other get back to the dorm as he opened the door with the spell but when he was leaving, the only thought inside his head was that he was still was accountable.

Maybe not entirely his fault but he did give the other extra stress all throughout his life and at one point, everything triggered at once and Taehyung took that step (which he of course regretted instantly seeing all that blood oozing out of the small cut.)

And now Jeon Jeongguk wanted to be a better person.

He decided to repent through his actions. Jeongguk did enough to annoy and trouble the other and the only way to cope up with this guilt inside was to make it up for all those, if that was possible.

★

hey what's up?

long time no see

& happy pride month :)