I hold the coffee mug with my two hands and bring it up to my lips as I listen to Queen in my bedroom. It's been a weird couple of weeks. Scratch that. It's been a miserable couple of weeks. I've never had to fight against myself to keep going like I've been doing for the past weeks.

At first, I wanted to pretend that I was fine. I moved to Newport and told my parents it was because I was starting classes at the community college which wasn't a lie because I did enroll days later but still I didn't tell them the real reason I moved to Newport overnight. I moved in with Savannah. She owns her own little house in the suburbs, close to the beach which is nice. I don't know why I didn't move in with her before. I didn't have to tell her anything the night that I showed up on her doorstep. One look at me and she knew what had happened. I tried to pretend that I wasn't as broken as I was and am still.

And then I just didn't have it in me to keep pretending. I cried when I felt like crying which is still pretty often. I love that Savannah doesn't say anything when she sees me moping around the house. She lets me be. I'm so grateful for her. She's the reason I'm not depressed in some corner...at least not most of the time.

I've never experienced heartbreak like this.

I want to make sure it's the first and last time I allow anyone to hurt me this way. I know most of the fault is not on Josh but I still feel angry at him for giving up on us. After everything he's said to me. After he was the one who wanted us to become public. He promised it wouldn't change anything. He promised to stay by my side. I understand that he's hurt and feels guilty about what happened to Brad but where is all that love that he claims to have for me? What was the point of all of this if this was going to be the ending for us? I should have listened to myself and fought harder against the attraction towards him. I should have stayed away. I mean, we talked about getting married and having kids for God's sake.

It's too late for regrets though. Everything that happened, already happened and I've already spent enough time thinking about the what if's. I'm exhausted. I'm ready to move on. Sadly, heartbreak doesn't stop hurting just because you "feel ready" to move on. It still feels like I have a knife inside my chest that causes me pain whenever I start thinking about Josh, about how much I miss him.

I wonder if he misses me. I wonder why he hasn't come looking for me. He's been calling but I ended up blocking his number. My sadness is turning into anger. I already tried to convince myself that he never really loved me but I failed. I know his love was real. I saw it in his eyes and felt it on his lips whenever he kissed me. The problem here is that he is too good for his own good. He cares too much. He is loyal and he hurts whenever somebody he loves is hurting especially if he blames himself for their pain. I know that if the roles were reversed, Brad wouldn't have let me go. Maybe caring too much is bad. Or not. At this point, I don't know if it's really me thinking all of this or the depressed Natalie that I've become.

I clean the tear that rolls down my cheek. I really don't need to start crying right now. I'm tired of crying. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to Somebody to Love by Queen. It's not a song to listen to when you are lonely and feel like all your dreams and desires have been crushed like bones under pressure. I change the song and You're My Best Friend starts playing. That one does it and I start to cry.

I grab a napkin and clean the tears quickly when I hear the key in the lock. I bring the mug up to my lips and take a sip of the sweet coffee in an attempt to hide my probably red eyes and nose. "Hey," I say when Savannah walks in.

She looks at me. "Hey."

"How was Portland?" I ask casually but secretly fishing for information. Maybe not-so-secretly. I'm sure Savannah knows I'm eager to know how everyone is back in Portland. She went with our parents to visit Louisa and Clint today. I stayed behind for obvious reasons.

She shrugs. "Boring, to be honest. I wish Crystal wouldn't have been working so I could've hung out with her."

I nod slowly then look down at my hands. "How's Brad?" I ask quietly.

She pulls the other stool and sits next to me. "Brad is fine. He was playing video games with Gunner the whole time we were there."

I wince. "That's good to hear."

Yes. It's so good to hear that while I'm having the worst time of my life, Brad is playing video games. That just makes me even more angry at Josh and Brad too. No one let me anywhere near a tattoo shop or I might tattoo Screw the Andrews' Brothers across my chest.

"Aren't you going to ask me about Josh?" She asks when I don't say anything else.

I look at her and almost roll my eyes. "Was he there?"

"Not the whole time," she says looking at me carefully. I can tell she's choosing her words. I think she's scared I might burst into tears any second and she wouldn't be wrong. "He was there when we got to Louisa's house. He asked me about you."

The tears begin to roll down my cheeks and Savannah looks at me disapprovingly. "Maybe I should stop talking."

"No," I beg eager to hear about Josh. "What did he say?"

"He asked me how you were."

"And?" I ask looking at her.

"I told him you've never been better and that you were having the time of your life back in school."

"Savannah!" I hiss.

"What? That's what he gets for being a jerk." She looks at me. "He did look a bit sad when I said that and I almost felt sorry for him."

I shake my head. "I can't believe you told him that."

"What did you want me to tell him? That you've cried yourself to sleep since you moved here? That I don't know how to help you anymore and I'm scared as shit because it feels like you are not the sister that I know? Yeah, Natalie, I'm sure that would've made him feel a whole lot better." she shakes her head.

I look at her and bite my lip. "I'm sorry. You're right."

There's a moment of silence and I take another sip of the coffee. She hasn't mentioned the fact that I'm drinking coffee at past ten in the evening but I know she's probably thinking it. I think about seeing Josh. He's just two hours away. I could easily get into my car and go see him right now. But I know I can't do that to myself. I've already begged him and he told me he can't be with me. That's another thing that's been making me angry. He said that he can't be with me but that's a lie. He can. He just won't.

"He also asked me to give you this," Savannah says slowly and then she reaches into her purse and takes out a white envelope. A letter. She rolls her eyes. "I didn't know if I was gonna give it to you but I think you're going to keep crying over him anyhow so here."

I take the letter from her hand and look at it like it's a big pile of gold. It's really embarrassing how eager I am to hear from him. I know it's stupid because I did block his number but I'm just trying to look after myself at the same time. I know I'll need to move on very soon. For my own sake. And Savannah who has to deal with me.

"I can't believe he wrote me a letter." I whisper with tears in my eyes.

Savannah sighs then places her hand on my shoulder. "I know. He makes it really hard for me to hate him."

"Don't hate him," I say to her feeling defensive.

"Well now I do," she says shaking her head. "If this is what it's like to fall in love, then I don't want to ever experience that." She stands up and walks up the stairs without saying anything else.

I don't blame her but I do feel bad that I'm making that impact on her. Being in love is the best thing ever when you are loved back but it can turn into the worst thing ever really quick. Now I know what people mean when they say "love is vulnerable". Yes. It is. Very.

The kitchen grows quiet in Savannah's absence and I look down at the white envelope in my hand. What does it say? Is it going to make me feel better or worse? In the midst of my heartbreak, why can't I stop thinking about how romantic Josh is? It's 2019 and he's writing letters. Savannah is right. He does make it really hard to hate him.

I dry my eyes with my sleeve so that I'm actually able to read then open the envelope with shaky hands and pull out a folded piece of paper. Why am I so nervous? The worst thing has already happened. We played with fire and we got burned. We're over. I don't think that this letter can say something that hurts me more. It's not possible to be in any more pain for Josh. At least I hope so.

My heart is already broken.

So I take a deep breath then open the letter and read it.

Natalie,

It's hard to believe that another day has passed by without hearing your voice. It's past two in the morning and I just tried to call you but I'm pretty sure you blocked my number which sucks but I get it. I get why you left. I get why you don't ever want to see me again. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. It's another thing that I'll never forgive myself for. I never thought myself capable of letting you go and I regret it every second of every day that you are not by my side. I wanted to attempt to explain why I did it.

I knew that loving you was wrong from the very beginning, back in high school. You were with my brother and you remained with him up to eight years later when I saw you again. I still can't believe that you were mine even if it was for a very short amount of time. I know I'm in no place to ask you anything but I dare to ask you to never doubt my love for you. It's the most real feeling I've experienced and I know that it will continue to be very present in my heart like an eternal blazing fire.

What I've always felt for you was stronger than my own will up until the moment that Brad got into that accident. I'll never forget the moment I thought he had died. It was for a second but it crushed me. Brad is not the perfect brother. He doesn't like me most of the time but he's still my brother and I almost killed him. The pain that we caused him made him to want to die. I know you share that guilt with me and I know that you wanted to help me. Everything that's happened is my own fault. For loving you. For making you fall in love with me. I caused all of this but I don't regret our time together for a second. I'll always cherish every moment I spent with you.

You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all of this. I guess I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I hope you understand me. I want you to know that I'm going to work on forgiving myself...so that maybe one day soon, I hope, I can be the man that you deserve. Even after all that's happened, I can't see a future without you in it. I don't want to ask you to wait for me because that would be selfish. But I really hope that when the day comes and I'm on your doorstep, you open the door for me.

I love you, always.

-Josh