Coming Home For The First Time After Losing My Baby Was So Painful It Was A Rain Cloud Above My Head And Everything Was So Cloudy Not A Bit Of Sunshine Anywhere To Be Found

Its Seems So Unreal And I Was Just So Hurt

I Wasn't Handling This Well At All But I Lost A Child How Else Was I Supposed To Act

When Walked In Ayden Ran To Me Me And I Smile Slightly And I Hugged My Baby

"Oh Hi My Big Baby I've Miss You"I Said To Ayden Kiss His Cheeks

As I Continued Hugging Him Than My Mama Walked In While Holding Azian On Her Hip

I Put Ayden Down And Than Picked Up Azian And Said "Hey FatMan..."

Almost Cried When I Saw My Babies

"You Can Always Try Again Baby How You Feelin"My Mother Said

"She Won't Eat Nothing All She Do Is Sleep"August Said

"I Just Lost A Baby...A Baby You That Didn't Even Want"I Said

"Hey...Hey...Hey...Not Infront Of These Boys They Don't Need To Be Hearing All That Give Me Azian I'll Take Them For A Few Hours You Too Go Get Some Rest"My Mother Said As I Gave Her Azian

"Thanks Ma"I Said

"Be Strong Baby"She Said

"I'll Try"I Said As I Walked Up The Stairs As August Followed Me

I Quickly Ran In Our Bedroom And Shut The Door Before He Could Make It In

"Whatcha Doing"He Said From The Other Side Of The Door

"You Can Sleep On The Couch...Im Not Sleeping Next To You...You The Reason Why I Lost My Baby"I Said

"It Ain't My Fault This Happened To Us Shit Just Happens"He Said

"I Bet Happy Now!....You Finally Got What You Been Wanting"I Said

"Happy I Lost My Seed How Does Make Me Happy Just Open The Door Lets Talk About It"He Yelled

"I Don't Wanna Talk To You"I Said

I Was So Angry And Mad At August From The Jump August Wanted Me To Have An Abortion He Never Wanted This Child He Made It Clear Over And Over Again

I Was So Sure That Once August Hears Our Babys Heartbeat He Would Instantly Fall In Love But He Never Got A Chance Too Hear It

I Was In Love With This Child Everysince That Pregnancy Test Came Back Positive

I Couldnt But Think Of How Lucky And Blessed I Was To Keep Having These Beautiful Children

Now Im Feeling Unlucky And So Empty Inside And Right Now I Just Couldn't Let August In Not In To Room And Not In My Heart I Felt Like He Was A Part Of The Reason Why I Had A Miscarriage In The First Place So I Shut Him Out

I Was Just Hurt But You Would Be Too Never Thought Something Like This Would Happen To Me

Everything Was Okay I Did Everything Right I Took My Prenatal Vitamins I Ate Right I Just Don't Understand Why I Don't Have My Baby

For Weeks I Stayed In Bed I Didn't Eat Much I Didn't Get Out Of Bed I Couldn't Even Look At A Huggies Commercial Without Bursting Into Tears

I Was Mad At August I Wasnt even Talking To Him Everytime I Look At Him I Get So Mad

I Was Drown In My Own Tears And All I Could Think About Is Where Is My Baby At And Is She Cryin Out To Me Does She She Need Me

I Was Depressed

This Evening August Walked The Bedroom And I Was Curled Up In The Bed

"Can You Get Up The Motherfuckin Bed Today....Get Up"August Said

"Ugh Can You Please Leave Me Alone"I Said

"Get Up...Lets Go Out To Lunch We Can Take The Boys You Need To Get Some Fresh Come On Get Ready!"He Said

"Im Not Going Anywhere With You"I Said As I Put The Blanket Over My Head

"Why Would You Stop!"He Yelled As He Pulled The Blanket From My Head

"Im Tired Of You Being Like This....You Lost A Baby...But Your Still Have Two More Babies...The World Don't Stop We Still Gotta Gon On"He Said

I Stood Up And Said "We .....We Who The Fuck Is We...I Lost A Baby I Had A Miscarriage...Im Sick Of Hearing We...I Was In This Alone From Day One"

We're Standing Face To Face Now

"I Lost A Baby Too....You Think You The One Going Through It You Think You The Only One Heartbroken Over This You Not!"He Said

"How....How....You Never Wanted Me To Have This Baby In The First Place August"I Said

He Shook His Head At Me And Said "Look You Can't Get Having Ya Self A Pitty Party Ayden And Azian Still Here "

"I Am Grieving"I Said

"Its Been Weeks...You Grieve Enough Now Can We Get Back To Our Lives"He Said

"Your Not Allowed To Tell Me When To Stop Grieving"I Said

"Aziah...You Sleepin All Day Ain't Gon Bring Our Fuckin Baby Back"He Said

"My Baby Not Your Baby Remember"I Said As I Laid In The Bed And Curled Back Up In A Ball

Im Too Angry Too Talk Too Him And Right Now All I Wanna Do Is Be Alone

Than The Next Morning Toya Woke Me Up "Get Up" She Yelled

I Opened My Eyes And Said "How Did You Get In Here"

"Your Maid Let Me In She Said You Been In Bed For Weeks Now.... Get Up"Toya Said

"I Feel To Weak I Don't Even Think I Know How To Stand Up Anymore"I Said

"I'll Help You Get Up"She Said As She Stood Up And Held Her Hand Out

I Grabbed Her Hand And Got Up Out Of Bed

"Come On I Made You Breakfast"Toya Said As She Dragged Me Down The Stairs

She Took Me Into The Kitchen And Place Me Infront A Big Bowl Of Chicken Noddle Soup

"Eat"She Demanded Me

"I Can't Eat"I Said

She Folded Her Arms And Said "Its Been Weeks How Long You Keep Feeling Bad For Yourself"

"Im Sick Of People Telling Me How Im Supposed To Grieve Maybe This Is The Only Way I Can Get Through This!"I Said

"Thats Right Let It Out How Do You Feel"She Asked

"I Feel Fucked Up,Mad Mad As Hell,I Feel Hopeless,And Defeated !"I Yelled

Than Tears Fell From My Eyes "You Lost One But You Have Two More To Live For Don't Forget That Aziah"

"You Right But I Can't Just Forget About The One Lost"I Cried Out

"Baby Im Not Saying Im Just Sayin Your Kids,Your Family They Miss You You Gotta Be Strong Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself Because Everything Happens For A Reason"She Said

Than She Looked At Me And Said "Have You And August Talked About This"

I Shook My Head And Said "I Can't Talk Too Him Im Too Angry With Him" I Admitted

"Its Not His Fault Its Nobodys Fault"She Said To Me

Ayden Ran In The Kitchen And Said "Mommy Its A Doggy"

"Doggy?"I Questioned As I Looked Confused

Than August Walked In The Kitchen With A Blue Nose Grey Pitbull Little Puppy In His Arms

"You Got A Dog"I Asked Looking At August Stupid

"Its For The Boys And We Gon Call Em Rocky"August Said

"Doggy Doggy Doogy"Ayden Said Jumping Up And Down Being Excited

"Can I See You In The Other Room"I Asked August

He Put The Puppy Down And Ayden Immediately Start Running After It

"Ayden Don't Get Too Close To That"I Said

Me And August Stepped In The Living Room

"Why Would You Buy A Dog Without Telling Me"I Asked Him

"I Always Wanted A Dog And It Would Be Good For The Boys"He Said

"You Should've Asked Me Before You Bought It In This House"I Said

"What Is Your Problem Its Just A Little Puppy You Actin Like I Bought A Lion In Here Its A Puppy!"He Yelled

"Well Maybe I Don't Want A Puppy!"I Yelled Back

" It Ain't For You Its For Ayden And Azian"He Yelled

Than He Yelled "Im Gettin Real Sick Of You And Yo Attitude!"

"Maybe I Wouldn't Have A Attitude If You Was Here Being My Man Instead Of Going Out Shopping For DumbAss Dogs!"I Yelled

"I Been Trying To Be Be Ther For You But You Wont Let Me In So What The Fuck You Want Me To Do"I Asked

"Be A Man For Once!"I Yelled

"Aziah You Trippin For No Reason!"He Said

"You Come In Here With A Dog Like Its A Replacement For The Baby We Just Loss...And Im Trippin"I Said

"Aziah Its Not That Deep Me And Ayden Was Going To The Toy Store Cause I Wanted To Get Em Some New Toys A Guy Was Sellin Puppies Ayden Lost His Mind When He Saw This Puppy So I Brought It For Him Bae Calm Down"August Explained

He Attempted To Put His Arms Around Me But I Stopped Him

"No..You Should've Ask Me First!"I Said

Than I Walked Back In The Kitchen

I Was Tripping And I Was Taking Out My Frustration On August It Wasn't Right But My Head Was Just Fucked Up Right Now