monday

4:40 am

i'm supposed to be starting my second year of college today. if only i had just sucked up my feelings and registered like a normal, good daughter would. i know that i feel guilt and shame and regret and overall just generally very strong, negative emotions surrounding school. i don't want to use my feelings as an excuse anymore. because its not an excuse, at least not a good one.

ive been bawling my eyes out lately. its like everytime i feel a twinge of happiness, something shifts and i get all sad. i don't even know what im sad about. the fact that i dream about my death a lot? is that sad? or is it that i feel like i've failed my parents? my family? is that why im sad? is it because i feel so sick of myself, my personality, mannerisms and tendencies, hypocritic nature? is that why? is all of the above an option? i feel like theres probably even more dumb little things i hate myself over.

i just got really mad over a video game right now. not even a game i do particularly well at, so why am i raging at others? again, hypocrisy. i don't like how i acted and reacted and i totally let pettiness and emotions take me over. i should have just went to bed earlier. i literally woke up because i didn't want to miss and in-game event (which i ended up missing) and continued to play because i figured, "i was already up, might as well." i don't like how i get so stuck on these little things and regret it for so long. so what it happened, nothing you can do now. that's absolutely something that i would think/say if someone told me this. so dumb.

i always hear people say that if you want to forget something, the worst thing you can do is think about forgetting it. maybe that contributes to why i act and feel this way so often. i realize its better for me to forget in order to move on, especially because of my fickle one-track mind. is that even the proper usage of that term? i've only really heard it said in hey soul sister lol.

man i can hear my mom's alarm going off now (4:55) i should stop and head to bed.

as always, i probably had more to say, but we're mentally out of time. goodbye. maybe i will work on notes later. i'll most likely think about them at least.

oh wait that being said, earlier i was thinking about the one to write to ate ang and its just another great example of how i let my emotions lead my thoughts sometimes. i was feeling so angry and irritated that the thought of just leaving her with the words grow up would be a sufficent last letter. honestly, a really fucked up thought. yet at the same time its reasonable. yet also that the same time could just tear my family apart again or even more. i hate that i canthink about inflicting such a pettiness even in afterlife. if there is one that is.

in elementary school i would think about how cool it would be to have a transcript of every thought we have ever had in chronological order. i still think about that. but then again the reason we put things into words is because we have to think about how to do that in the first place. oh well. only you can really know what goes on in your mind. sadly.

wow that last sentence is something that i would think could cause me to cry, but now im feeling sort of comforted after putting it in words. i really hate the power associated with words. i hate how much it can express, the way a specific arrangement of silly little written symbols of symbols can have a lackluster and incredibly in-depth meaning simultaneously. like right now. im sort of spewing whatever comes to my head before i forget but im sharing many nonverbal and non vocal cues as to what i am like, my virtaully non-existant set of desires, value for familial relationships amd more clues about me and my life. fucking insane. i hate how words affect me, but i absolutely cannot deny the effect of words. language, all that sort geez idk how to say it. im mentally clocked out now, for real this time.

im sorry

5:08