i have changed some of the plot, so please go back and re-read from chapter 18 - A

my first game back is tonight. it's in a few hours. two to be exact. I'm laying down in my dorm, on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I can make out the large cracks in it and the chipped paint on it. the white paint is now filled with dust, different marking and cracks.

it feels like a bucket of monumental rocks are weighing on my chest and each time I breathe in it feels as if they're getting heavier.

I cannot reckon how I feel about this game. I'm not scared, nor am I excited. I'm aching for it to go well. even in the slightest bit. I need it too.

I know once I get on the field all my worries will vanish or maybe I'm rather hoping that they will. that's all I can hold on to for now.

many people have told me to hold onto hope, and I have tried to. multiple times. I'm doing it right now.

hope is a mere feeling or thought, it feels good, great even to have something to hope for. but after a couple of months, you start believing that what you are hoping for, yearning for is going to come true.

and then you start relying on it.

relying your happiness on it, relying yourself on it, relying on hope. it starts to feel like everything which makes you you, is taken away.

from someone none other than yourself.

in a couple of minutes, I know Rowan is going to walk through my dorm and force me to get ready for the game. he's always done it, before any game. it's his thing.

I get up from the bed and walk over to the mirror in my washroom, I have dark bags under my eyes and my hair is sticking up in multiple different directions. I look like shit.

I turn the sink on splash over all over my face and then dry it in a towel. the towel falls on the floor and I pick it up and throw it into the hamper.

"Leo! we have to go!" The door to my open opens and I hear shuffling around in my room "where are you? Leo."

the washroom door opens and Rowan is standing behind he looks me up and down and crosses his arms "why are you not ready"

my eyes widen and I push past him and walk back into my dorm to sit on my bed "we have two hours Rowan"

Rowan walks to my bed and grabs my arms in an attempt to lift me off the bed "yeah and we have to practice before for an hour, so get up now"

my head shakes slowly and I get up from the bed "fine let's go then, but I'm telling you that we're gonna be early"

"thank you, that wasn't so hard was it?"

I ignore Rowan and walk over to the storage closet which has my equipment, I look over at Rowan, he is now sitting on my bed looking at his phone.

the door to the closet opens and I grab my lacrosse stick and my bag, in the far back corner I see his stick, leaning up on the wall.

my breathing gets heavier and I shut the storage door. his stick. god.

"Leo, we have to go, come on" Rowan walks up to bedside me and stares into my eyes "are you okay?"

I nod "yeah I am, let's go" Rowan nods and grabs his stuff off the floor and then walks out and I follow.

-

"Alright, that's all! take a break before the game!" coach yells, he's sitting down on a bench looking at his clipboard. everyone walks off the field and walks over to the bleachers to sit down.

"Leo! come here" I turn my head and see Vivienne and Blake sitting on the far end of the bleachers.

I jog over to them, they're both smiling. "what are you guys doing here?."

"we're here for the game," Vivienne says, Blake pulls her backpack open and pulls out a container, she opens the container and takes out a cookie? "what do you have cookies for?" I question.

she pushes one into her mouth and stares right at me and slowly chews. "we made them in class"

"and you decided to bring them" I look around and make a gesture with my hands "here?"

"yeah," she smiles. who brings cookies to a lacrosse game?

my eyebrows furrow, I look beside both of them and see that Blair isn't there. "where is Blair?"

Vivienne and Blake look at each other and smile, Blake turns back to me "she's going to be a little late"

"oh okay" late? why is she going to be late?

"oh and Leo, we just wanted to tell you that we wish you luck on the game" Blake smiles. I smile back knowingly "thank you Blake"

"of course" she pulls another cookie out of the container and bites it "do you want one?" she pulls her hands out and shoves the container near me.

"I'm fine, I'm gonna get back to the field now" I smile and then jog back to the field.

-

the ball gets passed in my direction and I catch it, I run from the spot I'm in and into another and pass the ball to another member of my team.

he tries to run straight to the net and throw it in but someone else catches it while it's in the air.

"What is wrong with you! that wasn't what you were supposed to do!" I hear coach yells from the sidelines.

I run towards the player who has the ball, he throws it up and the air and attempts to pass it but I catch it instead. I pass the ball to Luca and he passes to someone else who gets the ball in.

the score is now 2 to 4, we're winning.

we all get back into position and the game starts again, this time the opposing team gets the ball, I attempt to get the ball from them but someone blocks me.

the person with the ball runs up to the net and shoots it in. 3 to 4 now.

the buzzer goes off indicating it halftime, "come here guys!" we all run up to him, he's standing with his clipboard against his chest.

"We need to win this" he looks over all of us "we are ahead of this now but they're only one point behind, don't let them score again" we all nod. "you have a break for about 10 minutes, go get a drink.

I walk over to my bag and take off my helmet setting it on the ground, my water bottle is in my bag, I pull it out and take a drink, I spray it into my mouth, it goes down my chin and jaw a little but I'm sweating too much to care.

when I look at the lower part of the bleachers, Blair is sitting down beside Vivienne and Blake, she's talking to both of them while laughing. I start to walk over to her but I see lewis hart walk over to her as well.

at that moment I jog over to them and try to get there first. in which I do. Blair looks up at me and smiles "Hey" she smiles.

"Hey" I smile "you guys enjoying the game?"

Blair nods "I keep forgetting that you actually play lacrosse" she takes a cookie out of the container Blake had earlier and takes a bite.

I laugh and stare at her "why is that so hard to believe?"

she shrugs "you never seemed like a lacrosse type of guy to me." she takes another bite.

now I'm curious. "is this you admitting to thinking about me?" I raise my eyebrows. her eyes widen and she chokes on the cookie. "I have not thought about you Leo." she takes a water bottle from beside herself and takes a sip of it.

"it's fine if you have" I wiggle my eyebrows "it's giving my ego a huge boost." I take the cookie from her hand, her eyebrows furrow. I put the whole cookie in my mouth and swallow.

"what was that for?" she brings her hands up.

"if I don't seem like the lacrosse type of guy, then what type am I?" I ask completely disregarding her comment.

she pulls another cookie from the container "the hockey type." she replies and then takes a bite from it.

hockey? "I used to play hockey" I reply. "from first grade up until ninth, then I quit"

"I know you were a hockey boy" she smiles.

the buzzer rings and I look back to see all the players running to the field again. "I'm gonna go now" I smile and then jog back to the field.

-

Luca throws the ball over to lewis hart, he runs down the field towards me and throws it to me.

5 seconds left in the game.

I run it down and shoot it in the net, it gets in by the last second. the buzzer then goes off.

4 to 5.

we won.

people from the bleachers start yelling, I take off my helmet and the rest of the team does as well. I missed this feeling.

we all run up to coach who smiles "great job guys! keep it up!"

I look up to the bleachers and see Blair smiling down, her smiles wide. when I look over at Blake and Vivienne they're both smiling as well. but unlike Blair's, theirs is small and simple. but it holds so much more.

they're both staring at me and then occasionally looking over to Luca who's standing beside me. I look over at him, he's holding the same smile. we don't say anything to each other, all we do is stare. I look back over at Vivienne and Blake, but they're already down the bleachers.

Blake and Vivienne pull me and Luca into a hug, they start squeezing us until we can't breathe "congrats on tonight, we're both so proud." Blake says and then they both pull away.

I smile back and see Blair Talking To Rowan who's sitting on the bench, he looks so happy. his smile is wide and he's staring right at us. they both walk over to us and Rowan pulls me into a hug "we won!"

I push him away and laugh "we did." Blair is standing beside him "congrats on winning today guys" she looks over all of us and smiles.

"thank you," I respond.

"thank you, Blair," Luca says.

when I look over my shoulder I see lewis hart jogging towards us. what does he want?

"Hey Blair" he smiles, he's standing beside me and Luca. "hey Vivienne" he nods. she raises her eyebrows "hey" he looks over at Blake "Blake" he nods. she nods back at him and then looks away.

"I was just wondering if I could come over later and get that textbook for math" he looks at Blair and her eyes widen in realization "yeah, of course, just come by later on or tomorrow."

what the fuck? come over?

"thank you" he smiles and then jogs back over to where he was before.

he's going over to her dorm? what the fuck?

the crowd starts clearing and most of the players have now gotten off the field and gone into the locker rooms. when I look over at the bleachers I see two people still sitting there. they get up and walk towards me.

my heart falls into my stomach and my breathing starts today get heavy. my palms grow sweaty and my eyes go wide. I look over at Luca and see his eyes go wide too. as do Vivienne's, Blake's, and Rowan's. why are they here? they can't be here.

I start to taste blood in my mouth and that's when I realize that I was biting and picking at my lip. they get closer by the second and I grab my stuff off the bench and push past everyone. I can't do this, not right now.

everyone's eyes from who I was standing with go wide and stare at me. I stare at both of the people who are still walking towards me. they get closer by the second and I frantically look away.

my hands are shaking and I walk fast, in an attempt to get away as quickly as possible. I'm about to pass them. please don't make me talk. her hand touches my shoulder and I stop, but I don't look at them. "Leo."

I stand there for a second. with her hand still on my shoulder. she starts to talk, but I shut everything she's saying out. please let me leave. her hand loosens and she takes her hand away, I can't tell if I said that out loud but I don't care. not right now.

I can't see their faces but I can already make out what they look like. I can't face them. not now. so I shut my eyes and walk away as quickly as I can.

Me, Rowan and Luce are at Elton's dorm. Blake and Viv are coming over as well, they're supposed to be here in a few minutes.

"God Rowan, how stupid are you?" Luca yells. I look over at them, Rowan dropped a bowl of flour all over the floor.

my eyes widen, I look at the floor and then at Rowan and then back at the floor "why the fuck do you have a bowl full of flour?"

"Elton had this in his washroom, I was going to ask him why he had it" he gets on his knees and grabs a wet towel off of Elton's chair.

"Rowan! don't use that" I get off the chair and take the towel away from him. "you can't use a wet towel to clean up flour, you need a dustpan"

"what why?" he asks. his eyes go wide in confusion and I walk away from him and grab the dustpan from the corner of the room.

"it's flour, and that towel is wet. you can't use it" I start to sweep the flour into the pan and Rowan takes it from my hands "I'll do it."

I get up from the floor and walk over to the chair. the door opens and Elton walks in, he's holding his phone in his hand. "hey you okay?" I hear Luca ask from over the bed.

he nods and walks over to his bed. "yeah." he looks down at Rowan cleaning up the flour "what the fuck? why is there flour on my floor?"

Rowan looks up at him "I found it in your washroom, I so took it here and it fell" he shrugs.

"why would there be flour in my washroom?"

Rowan looks away from him and starts dusting it up again "you tell me"

Elton shakes his head and gets up once again "come on, let's go to meet Vivienne and Blake"

"aren't they coming here?" I ask. they were supposed to.

"change of plans, we're going out" he looks at Luca knowingly "Vivienne's gonna be there"

Luca gets up from the bed and walks to the door "shut up" he opens it and then walks out "let's go"

we all get up and then leave to go meet them.

I'm sitting on the roof. it's quiet. I like it. I'm staring at the mountains even though it's dark out, the city lights light everything up, so that's good.

the door to the roof opens behind me, I don't bother to look who it is. since I know it's her. I can feel her standing behind me. she moves to the side and then sits down about a foot away.

"how'd you know I was here?" I ask and look at Blair.

"I didn't" her voice is quiet, the type of quiet where you wouldn't know what she said unless she was pressed up against you or if you were listening attentively. I can see her look over at me and then down at my hands.

"are you okay?" she asks. "yeah" I turn my head back to over at the scenery.

she lets out a breath, out of the corner of my eye I can see her staring ahead as well "do you want to talk about it?" I keep my gaze ahead not daring to look at her.

"I don't know," I reply.

"Okay," she lets out a breath.

we both sit there, staring ahead, not daring to talk. I look at Blair and I realize that I've moved closer to her. I'm almost pressed up against her. we're an inch away from each other.

it's nice. I like it.

"you know, when I got found out I was coming here I absolutely dreaded it," she says. "even though it was my idea"

I cut her off "what are you doing?"

"just listen" she smiles "I was terrified to come here, I've only ever switched schools once before" she pauses. "and that was from 8th grade to high school, so I wasn't known as the new girl"

I stare at her and listen. I like her voice.

"But when I came here I didn't know anyone, it was terrifying" she pauses again. "especially since it's a boarding school, but I had to come here."

"had to?" I question. she moves her hair is behind her ears and stares at me. she has 1 beauty mark on her cheek and one just above her eyebrow. her hair looks soft to the point where I want to touch it. her eyes are dark brown with a little bit of hazel in the middle. she's absolutely gorgeous.

not that I haven't noticed that before. it's hard not to.

she smiles "yeah." I furrow my eyebrows in confusion but brush it off and ask her something else "you were scared? why?"

"I don't know." her voice is a lot more quieter, more raspy.

i look at her, and look down at her arms, she has goosebumps all over them. i can see her rub over her arms. "it's normal to be scared."

"i just feel like my reasoning for being scared was, insignificant." her voice is quiet raspy. i could hear her struggle to get those words out.

i take a minute to respond, the wind is picking up, Blair raps her arms around her stomach and keeps rubbing her arms. we sit there in complete silence, none of us daring to say another word. both of us scared to.

if i say something i know i'll deeply regret it, she knows i will. if she says anything else, i know she'll regret it.

it's an unspoken agreement.

her phone rings and she looks down at it "it's Blake" she says.

"answer it, i'll come down in a second" i smile. "are you sure?" she asks.

i nod "yeah, i'm sure" she gives me a sincere smile and then walks off. I stare at her while she walks away.

somehow, i feel a little relieved. i don't know why, but i do.

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