School starts back up today, I'm not that happy about it. we start a new semester which means new classes. new people and new teachers.

but we usually never get new students in this school. we usually get around 1 every year. and this year it was Blair. so luckily we're not going to get anymore.

whenever someone's new in this school everyone makes a huge deal of it. and when we do, people either hate the person and completely try to ruin them or the person gains "popularity."

there's no in-between.

it's completely stupid, but it doesn't matter. considering we're not getting any.

if we would I'd know.

the one thing I am scared of is seeing Blair. we talked after we kissed. or after I kissed her. but it wasn't the same.

which now I know was a stupid mistake.

let me re-cap last week, it was new year's eve, and we both fell on the ice. I kissed her, she kissed me back. we kissed for 5 minutes. then, once we pulled away. she apologized and ran away.

everything was so well with her, as friends. it was never awkward and we actually talked. kissing her was so fucking idiotic. anytime she sees me she acts like it never fucking happened.

but when her lips were against mine. and our bodies were holding each other so dearly. it was indefinable. all I wanted to do, was pull her closer if it was even possible and never ever stop.

every single time we broke apart to catch our breath. it was impossible. for me at least. the lack of oxygen that exited my body when I kissed her should be impossible.

in a way kissing her was almost suffocating.

but not in a bad way. I wanted to, and still want to feel it.

I've tried to stop thinking about it. trust me. but it hasn't worked. even for how much I ache for it too.

I want to kiss her again. I want to hold her again. now that I know how it all feels. I want it even more. but I can't.

school starts in less than 15 minutes. and I'm already fucking sitting in class. I couldn't be in my room, I can never be in my room.

the classroom is dark and completely empty. I don't know why I didn't turn on the lights when I came in. but I don't want to get up now.

thankfully I don't have this class with Blair. she told me her schedule a couple of weeks ago for this term. she has art first period, I have it second.

Although I do think I have to see her after school, Rowan invited me to go somewhere with him. I think everyone's going.

and I don't think I can cancel. Rowan's still upset that I skipped the new year's eve party. which I didn't even want to attend in the first place.

it's 5 minutes to 8, now and people are starting to come into the room. I wish I didn't have fucking school today.

that class was horrible. and now I have art. I don't know why I chose to take it again this year.

I like art, it's fun to do and fun to attend. and I like to think I'm not entirely terrible at it.

I thought it would be fun, and it really might. so I'm not underestimating it.

I'm sitting in art class now, the teacher is going over an assignment. she's new, the old teacher last year retried. she was my favourite, it's quite sad that she doesn't work here anymore.

anyways, luckily this is an independent assignment. I hate doing group assignments. usually, the people never participate, and if they do. they don't do it to my liking.

meaning I hate it. I can almost literally do it myself, and get it done 100 times better. I don't care how that sounds, I know it sounds bad.

but it's true.

it doesn't matter right now, considering we're not even going to a partner project.

the last time I was in art was last year. 11th grade. I loved it. I was good at it. and it wasn't like I had no friends in the class as I do now. I had a couple.

Rowan was in it, and someone else was too.

we're supposed to go to school. art class, to be exact. but Elton isn't in his dorm. or he just isn't responding.

I'm standing outside of his room, pounding on his door. we have an assignment due today. we have to present. and he isn't here. he hasn't been answering me all day yesterday and this morning.

it's just like a repeat of last month. when he didn't answer any one for a day or two, and then came pounding on my dorm. telling me not to ask questions.

I don't know what or why he's been doing this. but he also hasn't been acting like himself. at all.

I'm not mad about the assignment, I'm mostly worried. all I want to know—all I need to know is if he's okay.

I'm still pounding on his door, I've been doing it for over a minute.

holy shit, I have a key.

I'm so stupid.

Elton said it was for emergency's only, normally, like any person would. I don't follow that rule. no one does. Rowan, Vivienne. nobody.

but this does fucking seem like an emergency. so he cannot get mad.

I take my keychain out of my pocket, find his key and unlock the door. I step in and it's completely dark. pitch black.

the drapes are completely shut, it's extremely hot and it smells like shit. I go to turn on the light switch when I do. I can hear someone groan.

"Elton?"

I can hear him laugh at what I have said.

"Elton?" I repeat. and he laughs again. "what the fuck are you doing?"

he laughs even more. I walk up to his bed and see him hiding under the covers. I lift them up and see him smiling. "you found me!"

my jaw almost drops "what the fuck are you doing?" he grabs my arm and forces himself to sit up, he motions for me to come closer to him and goes to whisper in my ear.

when he's close to my ear he licks it. I shut my eyes and"Elton!" he laughs even harder.

I can smell alcohol on his breath. a lot of it.

he's drunk. very drunk. at 7 am. on a Wednesday.

"you're drunk" I state. "why are you drunk at 7 am," I ask seriously.

he laughs again and gets off the bed. he needs to stop laughing. "I don't know."

"We have a presentation today Elton." I check my phone "in an hour."

his eyes widen "oh my gosh! that's today?" he's hysterical at this point.

I nod, even though I know he's not being serious. he opens his mouth to say something but then, quickly turns to the bathroom.

I can hear him throwing up.

I shut my eyes and walk towards the washroom to go and help him.

there's nothing I can do anymore, we're not doing the project.

art is over now. I don't have any more classes for about 2 hours. I have a free period, and then it's lunch.

I'm outside the classroom now walking. Rowan has texted me about today afternoon. I still don't know if I'm going or not.

I don't know if I want to, and I don't know if Blair wants me to.

I'm going towards the east stairwell, and when I get to the bottom of it, walking down is the one and only, Blair De Luca.

she's on the last set of stairs when she sees me staring directly at her. she stops in her tracks and stares at me for a second. I can see her swallow and take in a breath.

I take in a breath too, and my eyes widen. she looks beautiful. gorgeous. so many things that I cannot even put into words.

I'm still staring at her while she's on the stairs, until then she walks down them and passes me. not acknowledging my existence.

yeah, I'm definitely not going with Rowan and the others now.