please go back to the beginning

of the book (the note) and re-read the TWs.

this is your last warning. and going forward there will not be anymore throughout the entirety of the book.

also! each chapter does a have song that match's it. I haven't really kept up with the playlist, so my apologies. but this chapter's song is "bored" by Billie Eilish.

the last day of January is today. which means it's been exactly 9 months. and I want to say I've completely forgotten, I want to say I haven't thought about him. that I have no recognition of it what's so ever.

but how can I considering it's been the only thing I've thought about? how can I when it's been the only thing consuming all my thoughts? especially without even noticing.

on countless occasions, I can remember myself trying not to think about it, and trying to distract myself and my worthless thoughts.

early on, all I could think of was holding onto that, that maybe it was all in my head. and that maybe it really never was my fault.

all I was doing was holding onto hope. and I've tried, on multiple occasions to hold onto it.

hope is many things, too misunderstand-able to put into words. but what I know, is that hope, is one of the many things that I don't deserve.

but I do still try and hold onto it, everyone does. I like to hope, that in the future. I can think of him, and maybe not be sad. if it's even possible.

and sad might not be the right word, but it's what I'm sticking to.

I'm currently sitting on the roof of the school. it's freezing, yet I'm still doing it.

Blair told me to meet her here. and since I'm talking about the roof and Blair I truly don't know why I showed it to her.

it's been my spot for years on end. I've never shown it to anyone. I know it sounds stupid and cliché. but it's true.

I don't know another way to word it.

I can hear the door open in the distance, and I can tell it's Blair. I keep my head forward trying not to look back.

I can hear her footsteps, they get closer by the second. until I can eventually hear them stop beside me.

I hear her take in a breath and then sit down beside me on the ledge. I glance my eyes over to her and can see her legs dangling off and her hands in her lap. she has gloves on.

I quickly look away from her and stare forwards, not daring to look at her.

we haven't talked since the kiss. which was almost a month ago.

it got less awkward over time, i mean we had to make it less awkward. we share the same friends. it was almost impossible to not see her.

and I guess we've had small encounters. but it was always around people. we were never truly alone after the kiss.

I don't know what to do or say at this moment, all I know is that I'm terrified of what she has to say.

I can hear her take in another breath, and then quickly exhale. "so" she says quietly.

I keep staring ahead "so." and from the corner of my eye, I can see her reach into her jacket pocket, leave it in there for a second and then pull her hand out, along with something in it.

I cant see it thoroughly but it sort of looks like an extra pair of gloves, why the hell would she bring an extra pair of gloves?

I turn around to face her and she pulls her hands out and hands the gloves to me, I'm blinking rapidly at this point.

was this the whole point for me to come here? for her to bring me gloves?

I'm still holding the gloves in my hands and still staring straight at her. while her arms are back in her lap.

"it's cold," she states quietly as if it's not obvious and nods towards the gloves. urging me to put them on.

I shake my head and sigh. I guess I'm putting on gloves. I set them in my hands and hold them up to her and she smiles a bit.

it isn't like her usual smile. it's small not that it matters. but normally, her smile says something. anything. but now, it's just an expression.

"you told me we needed to talk?" I say out of the blue. which now I know was a stupid mistake.

why would I say that? what is wrong with me.

she stares into my eyes for a second. her jacket hood is up, covering part of her face. but I can still see the bags under her eyes and her face emotionless. she looks exhausted.

and much to my surprise-ment, she nods at my question.

obviously, she called me here for a reason, to talk. but I didn't expect her to actually talk about it.

"I don't exactly know how to start this off." she lets out a breath "other than the fact that I was to apologize first."

I open my mouth to say something but she cuts me off. "I'm sorry I ran off" she pauses "after the kiss," she adds on as if I could forget. I can see her playing with a loose strand of one of her gloves. pulling, and picking at it.

"and I believe you deserve an explanation-" I cut her off and as I'm about to speak she talks again. "no sorry I worded that wrong. you do deserve one."

she's pulling at her glove thread even more now. the top of her glove is slightly torn apart due to how much she pulled it.

I think she noticed what she did to her glove because now she's looking down at it and the string. and she's not talking at the moment so I find this the time to speak "Blair."

she looks up at me, and I swallow "you don't need to explain anything to me. trust me. I understand."

her hood has now fallen off her head, it's completely dark out and still snowing. it's about -20 degrees celsius, and her nose is red.

she's staring right at me and lets out a breath, I can see the air come out due to how cold it is "I want to." she says.

and so, I stay quiet.

she keeps her gaze on me "I believe you know that I got sent here?" she questions and I nod back slowly.

"basically-" she cuts herself off. "sorry I started this off wrong, I'm just going to get to the point."

she keeps staring into my eyes "about a year ago, I started dating this guy. and I liked him, I really did. and presumably he did too." she pauses, and I stay quiet.

"it doesn't matter how we got together or anything, it's insignificant in this matter. the first few months were okay, but after, it" she cuts herself off "started getting, weird." she says.

"I don't know another word to describe it, other than that." she lets out a breath and turns her gaze away from me. "he started controlling me, telling me what I could or couldn't do, and said horrible words to me, or against me," she says softly.

"He made me start distancing myself from everyone, which truly means I started losing friends, and the bond I had with them."

at this point, I'm dead silent "and that's the reason I came here, to get away from him" I only keep staring at her. "my dad found out, I don't know how, but when he did. he thought it would be best to send me here." I don't think she's crying, but her voice is low and raspy at this point.

I don't say anything to her, we both know if I apologize, it won't do anything. I know many people say this, but it is true.

the word "sorry" doesn't have a true significance. it's just a word, one of many others.

she speaks up again "I don't know, maybe I deserved it, maybe I still do." her voice is lower than ever, and I can hear the hurt in her voice.

I move a bit closer to her and look at her "Blair, you don't deserve it." I let out a breath. "it's a terrible, horrible thing, and no one deserves that. what he did to you, is inexcusable. it's mentally draining. it's toxic."

"Everything he said to me, everything he told me I am. is true." she says softly. "how can I think I don't deserve it when I know I don't," she asks, but it's more of a statement. way more of a statement.

her voice is still raspy and low, but she's not crying. her eyes aren't watery, and her eyes aren't red.

I don't know what to say anymore, so instead, I move closer to her. I'm pressed up against her. her eyes widen and I open my arms wide, she looks confused at first but then she moves into me.

I'm holding her tight in my chest, her face is pressed up in it, and my head is leaning on hers.

Leo's holding me, and I'm holding him. all the thoughts and worries are still in my head, but they seem to get a bit better when I'm with Leo.

and for a second there, it felt as if nothing mattered. like it was just me and Leo.

but after a while of having those same thoughts repeating over and over, I couldn't try and get rid of them, I didn't know-how. so I had to learn to live with them. it's become a part of me.