Till Death Do Us Part

Incredulity robs us of many pleasures, and gives us nothing in return.

James Russell Lowell

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iana's stomach began to heave in a sickly way, her head was spinning in a way that just made her feel as if she was on a boat. It was like the whole house was being rocked by sea waves, slow at first but gaining momentum. Then like a balloon just got inflated in the depths of her stomach, everything she ate and drunk for the past couple of hours was racing to be expelled from her mouth, her throat burnt from the intensity of the acid. Vomit. There was vomit on the carpet in front of her. Blood intermixed with her vomit. She couldn't, for the life of her get up, her back and legs shook. The world was spinning like never before. All she could do was silently pray for mercy.

It's been weeks, Diana began to lose weight from her apetite lose and indigestion. She recently discovered of Jonathan's infidelities with his secretary. It was one thing that made her finally connect all the dots. She had decided to visit him in his work place a week ago. She wore his favorite dress, the one with lace sleeves and a slit down the back. She greeted all his workers on her way to his office. She chatted with the receptionist. Unaware that the door that held her final destination was one she will damn for the rest of her life. She stumbled on an unwanted scene, one that would be carved forever in her mind.

She stood there, much like a fool as she watched him ravish another women on his office desk. Their backs were turned to her, the women's hushed moans and whimpers were like a shimming bell in the center of her mind. They were far too busy to pay any heed to the broken women who stood like a wounded animal, clutching on the door handle for dear life as the last remaining petals of her heart welted to mere ash in the bottom of her stomach. All she had done was calmly shut the door, leave and forget. As if she was never there.

In her mind, she made excuses for him. She blamed herself. She blamed everything around her except him. Perhaps her mind was selfless, she could not help it, she was clouded by love. Yes, love. After all, she was only a mere human who relied on love for existence. "He will see I'm better. I have to show him that I'm better. He still loves me. It was a mistake. I will pretend it never happened" She chanted in her head like a child who just learned a new word. And pretend she did. Since that day all she relied on was her imagination. She had the odious idea of pretending till death took her away. "Till I die, I must pretend" She promised herself. And indeed, that very same day when her husband came back from work she pretended. She kissed him, had dinner with him and fell asleep on his chest.

Everything around her began to grow too dull, too bleak for her heart. She felt trapped within her body. On many occasions she found herself just beginning for death to take her. The gloom within her was too much to bare by herself. She had not known who to trust, who to believe. Even though she told herself to forget, the memories were still nagging in the back of her mind.

Diana wished she had not seen what she saw that day. After that dreadful day she realized how blissful ignorance truly was. Her every waking moment was spent in great turmoil thinking about all the times she thought he was telling the truth. "Had he truly loved me?" She whispers to herself from time to time much like a mad person would do. Gone were the thoughts of her sickness, gone was her fear of death.

One day when she was all alone with her thoughts and troubles, she decided to write. She pulled out her now dusty notebook and ruffled out the dirt from the fur of the pink cover.

October 4th 2017

I'm not sure where I went wrong. Am I really that unattractive? All the times he rejected my offer to make love. I understand now. I understand why he comes home with his hair tousled, his shirt creased and missing buttons. I can smell her on him. I've come to notice how he never says "I love you" anymore like he used to everyday before he left for work. Every night I stayed up, waiting for him and every time I watched him come home late, him telling me that work pilled up while in fact his lips were against another. It pains me to sleep in his arms knowing they were embracing another behind my back. To kiss his lips while knowing they roamed her body. It's hard to smile when all I feel is ruination in and outside me.

Now that I know of his unfaithfulness it only makes me wander to myself about all those late nights and business trips. All the times he told me he loved me. Were they all lies? He promised to love and cherish me forever. I had believed him. I believed in him, in us. Blinded by love, I believe him, every word he spoke. I suppose promises are indeed made to be broken. But why after all that do I still love him? Still care for him. Is it because he's the only one left in my life?

I should have know that our happily ever after was never meant to last. Like everything on this forsaken earth. Everything has its ending wetherI like it or not. I should be angry. I should scream at him for betraying our love. I should pack my bags and leave. But, I just can't, I can't abandon what we once had, what we still have.

I feel pathetic.

His smiles. Were they also fake? It just seems that every times he smiles my way it appears forced now. Veiled by lies. I wake up to an empty bed, bare and cold. I miss the old mornings where I would wake in his arms. He's changed, like a complete stranger. I don't know what goes on in his life anymore.

I'm more disappointed in myself than him. Had I been better, non of this would've happened. He wouldn't be out seeking other women.

Everyday he's growing to be distant and it pains me more than the sickness inside me. I'm not sure how much long I can endure.

-Diana

With a sigh she shut her book and carelessly threw it under the vanity. That evening she got ready to go to one of her husbands business parties. She put on a black dress, one would much rather wear to a funeral. Perhaps she was grieving her own life, lamenting her fate and dirging her broken relationship.