Never be ashamed of how deeply and passionately you loved someone who destroyed you, because destroying things is just who they are... but loving things deeply and passionately is who you are.

- butterflies rising

I hadn't moved a muscle since the Dark Lord had spoken those words. My father had been left behind in Azkaban because of me, because I had been foolish enough to think that I could get away with fooling the Dark Lord. I was the reason that my own father was locked up in Azkaban.

I closed my eyes as the world around me started spinning. This was all too much.

I would go down in Selwyn history as the girl who got a respectable Selwyn man locked up for life. I would forever be a disappointment.

My mother, I had to go see my mother. Did she know already? Did she know that her husband would never return home? Did she know that it was my fault? I had to go there. I had to pack my bags, tell her I was sorry and I had to leave. I couldn't live there anymore.

For once in my life I felt like my mother had the right to hate me. I had failed. Snape had told the Dark Lord, because I hadn't kept up the act when Draco got hurt. I failed, I showed my true colours to the one person who couldn't find out.

"Eleanor, darling?" I heard. I turned around to see Narcissa looking at me worryingly. I wrapped my hands around each other to stop them from shaking, but it was no use.

"Eleanor, come inside and let me get you a cup of tea. I know it's a lot to take in", she sighed.

"I have to go to my mother. I have to tell her that I'm sorry and that it's all my fault", I said, my voice shaking audibly.

"Eleanor, Eleanor, you don't need to do that", Narcissa said, putting her hands on my upper arms.

"Yes, I do! She's waiting for her husband who will never come home again. She's going to hate me if I tell her that I failed. It's my fault that the Dark Lord found out! I wasn't careful enough!"

"Eleanor, listen to me", Narcissa said urgently. "It's not your fault, okay? And you can't go home."

"I have to! I have to at least tell her myself!"

"Eleanor, she knows already", Narcissa said. "She has known for a while now."

I frowned. Snape only got back from Hogwarts a few days ago. How could my mum have known already?

"What do you mean?" I asked silently. It was quiet for a while and the sad look I had seen earlier returned to Narcissa's face.

"Eleanor, your mother is the person who told the Dark Lord about you and Draco."

I stared at her in shock. I felt like all the air had been pushed out of my lungs. I couldn't breathe properly and the whole world seemed to be crumbling down slowly. My own mother had sold me out to the Dark Lord.

"She figured the Dark Lord would punish you and not your father", Narcissa said. "I went over there and yelled at her for what she did, but it can't be undone. You can't go home, Eleanor, your mother doesn't want you there."

And then I started crying. For the second time in a little over a year, I was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Hey, everything will be okay. I do want you here", she said, reaching out to hug me. "I do want you here."

"Don't touch me", I said and stepped away from her. I didn't blame her or suddenly dislike her, but I didn't want to be hugged right now. I didn't want anyone around me right now because I felt like I was a ticking time bomb. It was my defense mechanism to push people away.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, but new ones were quick to replace them. My legs shook dangerously as all I felt was hurt. My father was left behind in Azkaban and my mother had sold me out to the Dark Lord, not accepting me at Selwyn Keep anymore. And now I was stuck here, in a house that would never feel like a home, surrounded by people that I hated.

I struggled to breathe as the sobs blocked my throat, making me dizzy. What had I ever done to deserve this? I was on a side that I didn't support, had practically no parents anymore and I had fallen out of the good graces of Lord Voldemort. I had lost all credibility to make a future for myself if this side would win the war.

I felt another hand on my arm, but I just pushed it away, putting my hands on my knees to try and not pass out.

Another hand touched my shoulder, very gently.

"Get off me!" I screamed. I didn't want to be touched. I had brought this onto myself. I didn't want anyone's pity. How had I been so naive to think that everything would go according to plan? Why had I been so stupid?

"Ellie, it's me", I heard. I looked up to see Draco staring at me with a whole lot of pity in his eyes. I hated it. He gently got a hold of my shoulders, trying to pull me into a hug.

"Stop it!" I yelled, roughly shoving him off me. I didn't want pity or excuses. I just wanted to cease to exist for a little while.

Draco didn't say anything, but he pulled me into a hug again. I struggled, I punched his chest and tried to shove him off me but he didn't budge. He just kept his arms around me tightly until my muscles got tired and gave up.

I gave up. I let him hug me and I cried in his chest like a child. I sobbed loudly, half at what had happened, and half because I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't breathe properly and my lungs started to hurt from the harsh sobs.

I disgusted myself for being so emotional, but not being emotional meant being like my parents and I also didn't want to have anything to do with the beliefs they supported. Who was I? Eleanor who took every hit without shedding a tear, pushing herself into the Selwyn-mold, or was I this mess of sobs and pain, this girl that couldn't seem to breathe?

"It's going to be okay, Ellie", Draco whispered, holding me tightly.

I saw black spots in front of my vision and I knew that I would pass out if I didn't start breathing properly, but I seemed to have lost control over all vital functions. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't do this for much longer. I was empty.

The last thing I remembered before passing out was the smell of mint, cologne and green apples.

I gently put Eleanor down on the bed in the guest bedroom. She had passed out due to the panic that she had felt. I knew she had anxiety, so all of this was not good for her.

I wondered what was going on inside of her head. She had to wait in her dorm room, knowing that I was on my way to killing a powerful wizard, not knowing if I would succeed. She had to spend the next few days anxiously waiting, not knowing whether I had done it or not. She had to watch everyone get picked up from school, knowing that her mother wouldn't bother. She had hope that her father had returned when she saw mine, only to have it crashing down on her a moment later. She learned that her own mother had told her secret and that she wasn't welcome at Selwyn Keep anymore.

She had gone through so much trauma and still, I knew that she blamed herself.

She'd feel guilty about it, I knew she would. That's who she was, always thinking that she was responsible for her environment. She did what she had to do and she got punished for it.

I understood why she passed out. I would've tossed myself off the Astronomy Tower if I was in her shoes. No father, not mother, no home. But she had me. I was not going to let go of her.

I thought about it a lot over the past few days. Everyone knew now, but it still felt wrong. I felt like we weren't allowed to date because of what happened. But I didn't care. Seeing her like that, completely exhausted and broken inside, I could never leave her. She had lost so much already. I gently pushed some hair out of her face. I hoped she knew. I hoped she knew that I didn't do it.

I didn't do it. I couldn't. I always knew that it would be a difficult moment, but when he mentioned Ellie, I knew it was a lost cause. I've seen you with Eleanor Selwyn, Draco. This is not you. You're a good boy. You are no assassin. I knew I was a lost cause back then.

Her eyebrows knitted together and her hands started to feel at the mattress below her. Slowly, she opened her eyes, blinking to adjust to the light.

"Hey", I smiled sadly. She looked to the side and smiled when she saw me. That was my favourite feeling in the world, the feeling I got when she smiled just because she saw me. She pushed herself up and scanned the room. I had put her in the guest bedroom next to mine, so she'd always be close to me.

"I didn't dream it, did I?" she said softly, sadness laced deeply through her tone. A lump formed in my throat as I looked down. She deserved so much better than this.

"I'm sorry", I mumbled. She nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest. She looked at some point in the distance and I could see that she was analysing the situation.

"Can I be alone for a bit?" she asked eventually. I understood her, but it did make me a little sad. I was part of the reason that her father was still in Azkaban, whilst mine was back here.

"Yeah, just call me whenever you need me, okay?" I said. She nodded, but didn't look at me again, so I just stood up and made my way to the door. There was so much I wanted to say to her, yet it all felt so wrong. Nothing I said could make this situation better for her. I rested my hand on the doorknob. I wanted to hug her so badly, but she needed to be alone for a bit.

"Just so you know, I didn't do it", I said softly. "I didn't kill him." And then I walked out. I just needed her to know that.

I took a couple of big breaths. Like usual, I had no idea what the future held for us. Most of it depended on how Eleanor decided to deal with this situation. Would she seek comfort like she would have a month ago, or had too much changed? Would she turn to her old coping mechanism again, turning icy? Would she push me away and try to do it all by herself? I really hoped it wouldn't be the latter, but I couldn't blame her if she did choose that option. I related to it far too deeply.

"How is she doing?" my mum asked as I came downstairs. I shrugged.

"I don't know", I said. I genuinely didn't know.

I didn't see Draco anymore for the rest of the day. He respected my wishes, like he usually did. I simply didn't know what to feel. I wondered what would have happened if I had never caught feelings for him. Would my father be here? Would my mother be less hateful? Would I have found someone who made me feel like he does?

I stared at the sandwich on the nightstand that the elf had brought, but nothing seemed appetizing to me. It was already past midnight, but I knew that I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight. I hadn't slept for more than four hours a night for the entire past week and yesterday's information only gave me more reasons not to sleep. I had too much going on to worry about, to mull over.

I rubbed my eyes. What was I going to do? I couldn't keep living like this. These people had done nothing but hurt me. My father was in Azkaban, my mother didn't care about me and it was only a matter of time before the Dark Lord found another flaw to punish me for.

I only had Draco on this side, that was all. Was that enough? Could I ever be truly happy, living on this side, even with him? I couldn't stay here at Malfoy Manor, it was suffocating me. I was constantly surrounded by people whose beliefs I didn't share, the people that left my father behind in Azkaban, the people that caused havoc at Hogwarts last week.

I loved Draco, I truly did, but I couldn't keep living this life forever. I looked at my trunk in the corner. Could I do it? Could I just run away and never look back? Where could I go? Daphne's parents were too close to the Dark Lord and I had never been at Tracey's house before. I didn't know if I could trust her parents. I couldn't go to Selwyn Keep, my mother didn't want me there.

I had nowhere to go.

I walked up to the window and looked at the stars. I had stood here a year ago, being quite pleased, knowing that Draco was sleeping in the next room. Now he was too, but I couldn't bring myself to smile.

Things would never change as long as we were wrapped in this environment. I could not stay here.

I opened my trunk and got out my bag, charmed with the Undetectable Extension charm. I packed a few comfortable outfits, all the money I had left from my year at Hogwarts and some books. I stuffed in some underwear, a coat and shoes and my wand. I had to go somewhere, at least for a little while. Even a room above a pub sounded alluring right now. I opened the door, ignoring the million thoughts that were running through my mind.

I gently closed the door and sighed. I felt so empty, like I didn't care about anything that was in my future. If the house would be attacked by a bunch of Demetors, I probably wouldn't even care. There was nothing to care for anymore.

I forced my feet to start moving over the black tiles in the hallway. Everything in Malfoy Manor was black. Everything around me was black. Drapetomenia, an overwhelming urge to run away.

And then I heard a scream and I froze in my tracks.

I could recognise that scream at any moment. In a split second, I had barged into Draco's room, eyes wide in fear.

I had expected him to be in pain, that something had happened, but it wasn't like that. Draco was asleep, being terrorised by a nightmare.

My shoulders dropped as I watched him squirm in his bed, the moonlight highlighting the beads of sweat on his forehead, a deep frown on his face.

"Have to", he whispered, his hands gripping the sheets tightly. His jaw was tense and he moved around as if he was hurting. And that hurt me. There was someone I still cared about, so deeply and seeing him like this cut right through my heart. I wasn't the only one who was suffering, so was he. I still didn't know what had happened on the Astronomy Tower that night, as I hadn't talked to him, even though I had had the chance.

I dropped the bag at my feet and closed the door. I walked over to Draco's bed and climbed inside of it, gently grabbing his hand in mine and putting my head on his chest.

I would get out of here another time. First I needed to know that Draco was okay. I needed him to be okay.

He stirred for a little while longer, but eventually he calmed down, continuing to sleep.