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My mind thought with myself all night. I wanted to tell Jimmy about what Tommy had done to me, but I lost that opportunity. I could have told him when he talked to me as soon as he came into the house. If I told him now I was sure to get punished for lying earlier. The way the words were burning on my tongue was tormenting me.

Jimmy was curled up on his side facing away from me. He had been fast asleep for over an hour and I had been lying in bed awake. I became paranoid that Tommy would pull me out of the room and into his. It was an irrational fear, but it haunted me.

I reached out and timidly put my hand onto Jimmy’s shoulder. I’ve never woken Jimmy up before and I didn’t know if I would get punished for doing it. I slowly started to shake his shoulder and he began to stir, but he didn’t wake. I started shaking his shoulder harder.

“Jimmy,” I said softly.

“What?” he groaned.

“I had a bad dream,” I lied.

Jimmy rolled off of his side and onto his back. He slipped one of his arms around me and pulled me down towards him. My head rested on his chest and I slid my across his chest. I nuzzled my face up into his neck. I already started to feel better because I was with him.

“Tell me about it,” Jimmy told me.

“Tommy was touching me again,” I said, my voice cracked.

His body went ridged and he tightened his arm around me. Maybe this wasn’t a smart idea, maybe he would get angry at me. I couldn’t back out now though.

“Julie, that’s not going to happen again,” he told me.

“It was just a dream,” I said.

“No, it’s not just a dream. Tommy should have never done that to you. You’re mine, not his.”

I curled my fingers into his side and nuzzled my face even harder into his neck. Jimmy ran his free hand over my hand and arm. His fingertips grazed across my skin lightly, causing my whole body to tingle.

“It was scary,” I told him.

“I promise that nothing will happen to you,” he whispered to me. “I’m always going to protect you and not let anything ever happen to you.”

“Thank you.”

“Now go to sleep. I’ll make sure you get no more nightmares.”

The next few days went by and Tommy left me alone. He would always that smirk on his face, but he never actually touched me. Jimmy had no idea what happened and it made me feel a bit relieved. Hopefully, Tommy is done with harassing me now.

We stuck to our usual routines and nothing more would happen. We’d wake up early in the morning, have breakfast, the men would go outside, I’d start to clean and dinner would be ready by the time they came back inside. I could still tell that Jimmy was mad at Tommy because he wouldn’t play cards with him anymore. He would just pull me up into his room after I was done with the dishes.

We started having sex and he would hold me after and talk about our future sons. The thought about it didn’t scare me anymore and I actually started to enjoy it. I could see Jimmy and me raising a family together and that was something I never imagined myself doing before. He was so much better than all of those men outside of the house.

One night I sat on the edge of the bed and had my knees up to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my chin on my knees. Jimmy was taking a shower, so I waited alone until he got out.

I hadn’t felt any different in the last couple weeks and I started to get nervous. Some women can’t have children, what if I’m one of them? Jimmy would punish me for sure. I would be the one ruining his dreams. He’ll think that his father got him the wrong girl and want him to go out and get a new one.

Could they do that?

I’ve heard Charles say that Jimmy only gets one girl, but what if I couldn’t provide them with what they want? Jimmy said one of my jobs was to have children, so what would happen if I couldn’t? They would replace me with a girl that could for sure. I would be killed.

The tears started to slip out of my eyes and I took a couple deep breaths in to stop myself from crying. I wanted to stop myself from crying before Jimmy came out.

It was too late when I heard the bathroom door open. His jaw dropped when he saw me. He dropped the clothes that were balled up in his hand on the floor and ran over to me. He sat down beside me and started to rub my back.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me.

“Nothing,” I said putting me head back into my knees.

“Julie, I know you. You don’t cry for no reason at all, so tell me what’s wrong.”

I lifted my head up and wiped the tears off of my face quickly. Jimmy slid his hand up my back and onto my shoulders. I managed to stop crying.

“What if we’re not able to have to have children?” I asked quietly.

Jimmy used his arm that was around me to curl me into his body. His slipped his other hand around my waist so that he could pull me as close as he could to his chest. I took a deep breath in and Jimmy smelled of soap. He kissed the top of my head.

“You don’t need to worry about that,” he told me. “Julie, you’re absolutely perfect. You’ll give me the boys I want. It can just take a little while sometimes and I don’t mind to keep trying at all.”

Jimmy’s chuckle started to grow behind his voice and I couldn’t stop my lips from curling into a smile.

“Why only boys?”

I bit on my lip when I realized that I had asked it. There’s supposed to be no questions and I tried asking before and Jimmy wasn’t happy. I felt his fingers dig into my back.

“We’re not allowed to have girls,” he said. I was surprised he was about to answer my question. “Only boys are born into the family. Girls are always brought in later as wives.”

“What if I gave birth to a girl?”

“We’d have to kill her.”

I felt the bile start to rise in the back of throat. He couldn’t possibly be serious. I know they have killed other people, but how can they kill their own babies? That was just sick. I wouldn’t let Jimmy kill our daughter if we had one.

I started wiggling in his grip and tried to push him away from me. He tightened his arms around me and kept me in place. I didn’t want to be touching him right now.

“No! Jimmy let me go!” I shouted.

“Julie, calm down,” he told me.

“No! How could you do that? It’s just sick! It’s disgusting!”

I couldn’t believe I was shouting at Jimmy like this. I was going to get punished, but that wasn’t a worry right now. I just needed to get away from him now.

He let go of me and quickly off the bed and went into the bathroom. I sat up and started crying again. Jimmy was supposed to be protecting me, so why would he do something like that? I would carry a baby around in my body for nine months and then he would kill it because it was a girl? That would hurt me so much.

Jimmy came out of the bathroom and sat back down on the bed. I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes, so I couldn’t see him but only feel the weight of him on the bed. I pulled one of my arms away from my face and I felt a sharp pinch. I looked down to see that he had a needle and just drugged me again.

I pulled my arm away but it was too late. He had already injected me. He lied down on the bed next to me and I tried to get up. My goal was to get to the bathroom, I could lock the door, sleep on the floor and be away from Jimmy for the night. He grabbed my arm and kept me down on the bed. I didn’t want to spend the night with him.

He slipped his arms around my waist and kissed my cheek. I had quickly lost all of my strength and it was pointless to fight back. I tried to scream out, but only pathetic noises escaped my lips.

“It’s okay,” he kissed my cheek. “It’s difficult to explain, but just trust me. If you love me you’ll trust me. All I ever want to do is keep you safe and happy. I love you so much.”

I began to lose consciousness as he continued to talk to me. I knew I was overreacting about this. Jimmy does love me and all he has ever done since I’ve been brought to this house is care for me. If he says it has to be done, there must be good reason. I shouldn’t be questioning him.