It would be days until I saw anyone again, until Martha paid me a house call, though I had forgotten of her calling card when she was at my door.

"Martha, good afternoon," I said unwillingly going into the drawing room to receive her company.

"Good afternoon... Were you sleeping?" She looked at my face and the truth was I had been sleeping, I drank chamomile tea like it was water and it relaxed me so much I slept more than I was awake.

"Yes."

"Alice do you need me to call you my doctor? You are looking dreadful, much like the way your mama did when we first arrived to London."

"Oh dear then I must look horrible," I thought how mother had gotten used to London finally, she was always out and about with Mrs. Campbell, Lady Scott and Lady Thomas.

"Well yes as a matter of fact, you really need to get yourself together," Martha said and I chuckled for she spared no truth for anyone's ego.

"Enough of me, why have you come?"

"First I am insulted you are asking me such a question since it has been too long since we last saw each other and second because it should be obvious."

"You came to talk of your wedding," I had lost track of life outside the house and it would not do to be a bad friend to Martha no matter what was happening to me.

"Yes, if you remember I am engaged to Arthur and my mother's taste is not really the kind of wedding input I would like."

"Of course, have you looked at dresses?" I sat by her and she gave me the latest designs arrived in London from Lady Thomas's dressmaker who was the best one we knew.

"I refuse to be covered up to my neck like mama wants it, I want something a little more like this, what do you think?" She showed me a tight corset with too many ruffles to count and breasts overflowing from the top.

"I think you may wish the bottom of the dress to be bigger," I refreshed myself with some water and went through every picture with her.

"Yes much bigger, so big I will barely fit through the church door," she joked.

"Well I am sure Sir Arthur will appreciate your dislike of high necked dresses."

"Yes but will his mother? I do not want to get on the wrong side of my future family before I am even married."

"Lady Scott should be the least of your worries, she is as amiable as Sir Arthur it is only his father you must win over."

"Ah good, you have noticed at least one thing then," Martha teased my lack of discernment of the subdued clues of Victorian society.

"Back to your wedding, where will it be?"

Martha stayed for two hours and I amused her for so long she even got me to eat more food than I had eaten in a while, it was a good distraction for a little, when she left I was exhausted again and climbed back into the unmade bed to read some more. The beautiful piano was abandoned unless Mrs. Miller insisted on giving me lessons but since she was a paid subordinate sometimes I won and stayed in my bed chambers for the entirety of the day.

"What is this?" Mother asked during tea so many days later I had forgotten of the invitation in one of her books when I looked it was too late she was reading it.

"It is nothing mother," I got up to take it from her hand.

"From Lord Howard?" She read the outside.

"Mother please."

"What has been said in here that has made you so upset?" She opened it and read it as the pain came back once more.

"Nothing," I mumbled defeated.

"How grand, he has invited us for a weekend at his estate," she cheered for she longed to be in touch with them again.

"I know yet you must forgive me mama but I shall not go," I replied giving up on the letter and choosing a book to read.

"Nonsense, in three weeks we will both be there for this dinner and whatever problems you have with Lord Joseph you will find a way to solve them. I will tell Mrs. Miller to help us pack," mother was serious and so I could not argue my way out of it.

The three coming weeks until we set off to the Spring Weekend dinner at the Stanley's estate was of personal dread and unrest. Events of society repeated the same conversations and talking to the right people did not make me feel accomplished. In fact society had crumbled into nothing more than a nuisance since I would rather stay home all day. And if Joseph and I were not to wed at least Mr. Howard was not in my company and I would be glad to grow old in these four walls.

"Are you ready?" Mother asked as I packed the book Mr. Howard gave me in the bottom of one of the suitcases; this was one thing I had to do, return his book.

"Are you sure it's not better you go with Mrs. Miller or Edna, and I stay?"

"Alice do as your mama and Mrs. Miller thinks is best."

"Yes mama, I just need to make sure I packed a couple of things then."

"This dinner weekend is supposed to be entertaining enough for you not to need too many books."

"Yes just one or two then," I promised myself to give the book back to Mr. Howard as our detachment was so certain there was no reason to keep anything I had of him.

So the day came, we rode away and in my suffering what seemed like cold strength grew from within me like castle walls raised high and mighty. If I could not find comfort from having to go disturb Mr. Howard in his haunted Stanley Hall then I had to find something to not make me look so worrisome to Joseph or whatever company I might encounter there. If only I could have come up with an excuse to not go near Mr. Howard after he explicitly ended everything it would be for the better, I expected he did not want me there as much as I did not want to go.

"Lady Alice Stewart," Mr. Bert helped me out of the carriage and upon seeing his face it elevated my spirit even if for a moment.

"Mr. Bert you look just the same," I latched on to his arm like someone who was seeing their family after a long break.

"Are you sure you should be holding my arm milady?" He whispered ashamed of my behavior, it was not right for me to be hugging the staff in front of the house like we were the same.

"Mr. Bert we were friends before and must continue so," I asked comfortable in this position.

"Lady Alice I never would have pegged you for a wild one, did we take away your fine manners?"

"I believe so and will you personally show me to my room?"

"Very well, I will not deny you," he guided me inside the house I had been schooled to know so well.

The further we walked the more I marveled at what a whole of a year had accomplished, I was not the same person who arrived here last year. My vision had changed, the girl who would not talk, who would not look, who had everything under control was holding her tears by the last button. This is what I could do in London but not here at Stanley Hall, hold whatever little remained of myself inside, keep my darkness from spilling out.

"Is it to your liking?" Mr. Bert asked opening the doors to the bedchamber I stayed in while sick.

"Yes it's just the same... Lovely," I touched the books I read while sick, they had not been moved.

"Anything else?"

"Tell the others after dinner I shall go see them," I said with my back to him already loosening the button of my heart as a tear fell down on my cheeks.

"As you wish milady until later," he closed the doors and I laid down in ball gown to sleep as to not cry while the others arrived for dinner.

As society would have it ladies did not break, not in front of others, not if the world fell apart, only behind closed doors and this was when any of us were really ourselves, within walls that could not talk or carry our secrets anywhere, we were safe.

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No part, character, names, plot, setting, conflict or resolution, point of view, theme or symbolism of this story may be replicated.

Copyright: All Rights Reserved to A. Sena Gomes.