"After almost three years of putting me through hell you come to claim forgiveness?" I walked away so he would not try to hold me down again, "you must be laughing at me."

"What would give you the impression of a joke?"

"Every time I take a resolve about you, every time I begin to accept reality and make peace with it, you come back and I begin this puzzle from the beginning, let me be sir!"

"No, I will not accept things are as they are."

"You must!"

"There is far too much we may not change, things which must be a certain way but not this, not us, not you," he touched the sleeve of my nightgown and tugged it down to see the top of my shoulder.

"Mr. Howard what do you think you are doing?" He swiped his finger over my lips.

"Every time I hear you call my name it beckons me to come to you, to take you Alice, to be yours..." He took me up to his lips and kissed me then I slapped him remembering how he almost married my mother, and of his obscure situation with Lydia.

"Liar!" I shouted after my hand had flung at his face made of stone which hurt my own hand in return. "What happened while I was away? Did you get sick of Lydia? Did she lose her day in the sun with you? Or did you find no one else to play your games with and decided to come for me?"

"Did I find no one else?" He was offended emphasizing the "I" to mention Mr. Henry which was another reason he deserved the slapped for he knew the rumors of Mr. Henry's proposal and alas how I would have no choice but to say yes to Mr. Henry.

"You made no apologies after I stood there watching the mother of your son kiss you, a son who feels the loss of his mother and will never know the truth about her! Then you decide to ask for an apology after so long and it is not even because of Lydia or everything else that you put me through?"

"I apologize for Lydia then!" He shouted and I pushed my hair back in anger.

"Oh thank you that was very sincere of you milord."

"Fine then I do not apologize, it was only a kiss, I did not plan for it."

"Only a kiss? Everything between us can be summed up the same way, only a kiss, do you not understand that?"

"No, not only a kiss."

"Yes only a kiss, a kiss here, a kiss there and nothing else."

"Nothing else?"

"No I forgot one thing, my mother."

"What about your mother?"

"Have you forgotten so quickly of your involvement with her now that she is sick?"

"I do not see what you are getting at?"

"How you almost married my own mother of all the ladies to choose from? You went and chose to pursue my mother."

"Pursue your mother?" He laughed and I became angry remembering how he did the same thing when I almost asked for his hand like some stupid pathetic love blind girl.

"Right you had no intentions of marrying her, only toy with her."

"I absolutely had no intentions of ever marrying her."

"How could you? You drew her interest in front of everyone?"

"I did not and where did you get this crazy notion from?"

"Stop acting like you did not try to seduce my mother and for what?"

"Your accusation is absurd!"

"It is not, Joseph himself on more than one occasion saw your interest in her and our friends mentioned it as well!"

"I will not ask for forgiveness if your friends do not know anything when it comes to judging my actions, my sole interest was placed on you."

"How? You... were so close, she cherished your friendship, you exchanged letters."

"Is that a sin? For I was only trying to earn her friendship so I could be near you."

"Why do you insist on this?"

"Because one day I would have asked her for your hand, this hand," he held one of my hands trying to fill me with empty promises.

"My hand? Are you ridiculing me?"

"Do you not trust anything I say?" He put his other hand on my face.

"Of course not, you laughed at me the last time the subject was brought up and then you proceeded to humiliate me thoroughly by saying I was a child, one who conjured up things in my mind."

"Yes I did..."

"Then what has changed? Is this only because of Mr. Henry?"

"It is everything, it is the going on of life without you, you have made my living harder than before I knew you, I was once certain that talks of love were made for the weaker minds, the impressionable minds who cannot help themselves."

Mr. Howard mentioned love like a doctor about symptoms than of one in love.

"Impressionable minds like mine," I said angry with the way he chose to see things through his predetermined control.

"I thought you understood my actions but it seems you were only listening to the many speculations behind my back."

"I dare say not even those closest to you understand you sir," for as much as I would love to say I knew him like the back of my hand Mr. Howard was one surprising turn after the other leaving me dizzy in his wake.

"Yes..." He sighed, "you know at first I was only curious, I would think how you were doing, if you looked any different since we last saw each other and when Joseph wrote to me the night he saw you I only planned for one dinner. One dinner to see how well society had received you then Joseph clearly set you as his aim and... I could not let him have you, I was sure I did not want to fight, I kept telling myself only a fool of a man would find himself in this situation but I kept on fighting the union with everything I could."

"Yes you did."

"Finally when you accepted him I thought if I got some distance these feelings would disappear, they would be nothing but you drove me insane without even laying your eyes on me," his hand slid into my hair and my legs grew weak.

"Sir..."

"And when you strolled in for that first Spring Dinner here I was filled with vengeance about your disturbance to worsen my state, for Joseph made you an invitation without ever telling me."

"I should have known," I looked sideways for I knew he wanted to intoxicate me like the smoke of a pipe until I couldn't see the way through the fog.

"You kept feeding me something I never had before, something I never wanted to feel in this lifetime, it is this sentiment I call it not by human words thrown around by those incapable of it, you opened everything I wished to remain closed and I have hated you for it with such a passion. Yes you struggled with me but I have struggled with you as well Alice."

"I..." I twitched with the pressure of his words.

"I did talk of marriage with your mother though not as it has been thus circulated. She was responsible for planting in my head the seed of turning back on my word, she made me question if the idea of love and marriage was not so infantile as I had firmly believed for most of my earthly life."

"Infantile?"

"And this, us, it could not have fallen together perfectly for we are so imperfect Alice, and yes I inserted myself into society again for most part to be near you and for some time to seek some kind of vengeance but nothing has turned out the way I wished. The blow you dealt me with by accepting Joseph's offer only meant you hated me and wished me to know it in the most painful way."

"It was not for your pain I accepted it..."

"Then why else?"

"So you had no means of engaging yourself to my mother."

"Oh Alice..." He uttered lowly as if I had done it for him but not even I was sure I had done it for him rather because of him, of that I was very sure as the drops of sweat rolling down my spine when my lips prepared for the arrival of his caught between words of a foreign meaning.

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No part, character, names, plot, setting, conflict or resolution, point of view, theme or symbolism of this story may be replicated.

Copyright: All Rights Reserved to A. Sena Gomes.