I stared holes into the pregnancy sticks. Two clear blue test packets sat pretty atop my toilet seat cover and I couldn't bring myself to take them. My heart thumped against my chest and my legs felt weak. I leaned against the bathroom door to keep myself upright and steady.

God, I've never been this scared in my life.

"What happening? What does it say?" Whitney's voice rang through the toilet walls.

Jerking with a hitch in my breath, I placed a hand across my chest. Now, reminded that I had Whitney on the speakerphone. She was still on her shift at the hospital she worked at and couldn't be here in person.

I pushed myself off the door and moved towards the sink where the phone wedged against the wall. "I've not taken it yet"

She smacked her lips in frustration. "Girl, take the damn test and get this over with"

"I will" I muttered and rolled my eyes. Then I turned towards the test packets, released a shaky breath and picked up one of the packets. I glossed over the instructions and took out both sticks.

"Here we go" I mumbled under my breath as I cleared the top of the toilet seat. There wasn't much to manoeuvre, I was in an old plain blue t-shirt and panties.

It took me a few seconds to pee over them and clean up myself. I placed the test atop the cover of the toilet's water tank and backed away from it. The instructions stated to wait 2-5 agonizing minutes before the results came up.

Please, God. I kept repeating in my head as I waited.

"Have you taken it now?" Whitney piped up, again.

"Yes. I'm just waiting now" I retorted

"Okay"

I was the third child out of five children; three girls, and two boys. The first two boys were already married; one with a child and the other was expecting. For boys, they were quite decent and respectable men. I didn't want to be the one to tarnish my family's name by having a child out of wedlock.

My parents had sent me abroad to study medicine and get a good life. I had always dreamt of going abroad to study medicine. Get a good job in one of the best hospitals and gain financial stability. Then, return to Nigeria, build a hospital and help millions of people. My parents wanted to bring my dreams to life so they sent me to the US to study, New York, to be precise.

In the past few days, I'd been feeling weird. I was vomiting and having specific food aversions. Large appetite, tender breast, and tiredness. As a doctor, I knew the signs of pregnancy and with desperation, I hoped it wasn't.

I had a clear memory of taking a post-pill but, I also knew they weren't a hundred per cent effective. These pregnancy tests were to make sure I wasn't among the small percentage it defected on.

"Okay, go check now. The results should be out" Whitney said

I braced myself as I walked over to the test sticks and picked one up. With the stick held at arm's length, I peeped through small slits at the result. One line.

That's a negative right?

I referred back to the box and re-read the instructions. Then I picked up the second test and got the same result. Relief flooded my body and washed away my worries.

"It's negative!"

"What?"

"Oh my God, it's negative" I cried out with joy

She released a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God"

"Ah! Jesus, I love you" I sank to the floor and chuckled with excitement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two months later

I walked towards Nurse Abigail. She stood beside the nurse station, looking through some files.

A wavy gelled low-cut sat atop her head and her round face glowed under the bright florescent light. Her light blue scrubs hugged her short and rotund body.

She was a black American nurse in her late thirties. A lovely and warm-hearted lady who made me feel welcome when I started my internship program here.

"Good morning Abby, what do you have for me, today?" I said as I placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

She handed me a tablet that had my patient's information and history. "Here. You're to make rounds this morning. Josh, Ashley, and two interns are with you today," she said and pointed at the four people who assembled behind me.

"Oh, and we're having an M&M conference later this evening" she concluded as she returned back to her files on the table.

I knew this meeting was going to come soon because of the Candice Thompson case. Apparently, she came in with severe abdominal pains. Then, she was diagnosed with an enlarged appendix.

During surgery, her blood pressure began to rise. The doctors didn't understand why because her vitals were normal before surgery. Also, she had no history of high BP. Later, they discovered she was pregnant and the surgery had put the fetus in distress. After all the struggle to save both the mother and child, we lost them.

It was a mistake, an oversight. One that could've been averted and one, anyone could have made. We were expecting the M&M meeting.

I turned to face my team. Josh and Ashley were first-year residents, while the other two were interns. I didn't bother to learn their names because they were always rotated. I was with different interns every other day.

I looked through the patients I had on the tablet; two in-patients who had surgery two days ago and two new cases. They were being kept and monitored, so they don't develop post-operative ileus.

I divided my team into two; Josh and the two interns would attend to the inpatients. While Ashley and I handled the two new cases.

As they dispersed, Ashley and I walked towards the emergency ward. Drawing the privacy curtains open, we met with a young woman. Blonde hair, wrapped in a bun atop her head, slender and most likely in her early thirties. She was trying to get the attention of her kids; a boy and a girl, throwing their toys around.

"Tom, stop that. This is a hospital where sick people stay and there are a lot of germs, you don't want any germs on you, do you?" she reprimanded her son.

The boy shook his head 'no' and quietly stood by her side. While his sister busied herself with a doll, next to her mom's foot, on the bed.

"Sorry about that, these kids drive me nuts sometimes. I'm Natalie," she said as she chuckled. A tinge of nervousness laced her voice.

"It's fine, they look adorable," I smiled as I waved at them. They smiled back in return.

"So what can we do for you today?" I said, returning to the mother.

"Well, I've been having these terrible headaches for a while now. I just thought it was because of stress and running after these kids. But, yesterday during dinner, I lost my balance and fell. The headache returned two times worse than before. My husband decided we go to the hospital, to be safe" she narrated, running her hands over her jeans clad thighs.

"Do you remember when the headaches started?" I asked.

She looked up at the ceiling then back at me. "I think two or three weeks ago, I just felt it was the normal headaches I get. I'd pop an Advil anytime I get it and it would go away, up until yesterday"

"Did you have a fall? Or hit your head anywhere before the headaches?" I asked and she shook her head 'no'.

"Okay, so we'll order a CT scan to know what going on in there," I said.

"Is mommy going to be okay?" the little girl asked, looking up at me with brown doe eyes.

"We are going to make sure she's fine, okay" I replied, patting her little shoulders.

The other case was a guy with a dislocated shoulder. It was popped back in place after giving him something for the pain and to numb the area.

I sent Ashley to arrange for the CT scan and began my journey to the cafeteria. I had skipped breakfast this morning because I woke up late. Sleeping in had become a habit these days.

Suddenly, the emergency doors burst open and wheeled in on a gurney was a pregnant woman. A medical team surrounded her as they rushed her towards the trauma unit. I stepped out of their way as there were many doctors and I wasn't needed.

The sight of the pregnant woman reminded me to set my pre-planned intentions into motion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey there" I smiled and waved through the glass.

Ezra, a natural tanned, lanky lab assistant strolled over to the glass. "What's up?"

"I need a favour" I brought my voice down to a volume, only both of us could hear. Then, I lifted a sealed transparent zip lock bag and pushed it through the small opening in the glass wall. It contained a sample of my blood and a swab of my saliva. "Can you run a comprehensive test on these?"

"There's no patient name. Who's this for? And why are you bringing this yourself?" he eyed the bag with caution.

"It's for a friend"

He threw me a suspicious glance. "Why wouldn't they just come into the hospital?"

My shoulders sank as I huffed out in frustration. "I dunno. Can you do it or not?"

He picked the bag with reluctance and pointed his finger at me. "You owe me one"

"Thank you" a wide grin appeared on my face and I walked away with a sense of accomplishment.

My weird symptoms seized for a while and all of a sudden, it restarted. After the pregnancy tests, I got my period days later. It was a light flow but still significant. I began to suspect a dozen of other things that could be wrong with me. With this test, I could pinpoint what it was exactly. The wild goose chase was tiring, at this point.

One mission down. The next, food.

On getting to the cafeteria, Ashley ran into me. "Dr Amanda, you need to see this," she said as she pointed in the direction of the CT scanning room. Trailing behind her, we headed towards the room.

I guess I'll have lunch later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ashley and I walked over to the room allocated to Natalie. There was a man standing next to her bed, in a black Polo shirt and blue worn jeans. While the kids were seated on a small sofa, watching cartoons on a tablet.

With a light knock on the door frame, I stepped into the room.

"Hey, I see they're settled," I said as I gestured towards the kids.

She chuckled. "Yeah, cartoons seem to grab their attention. This is my husband, Paul" she gestured to the man.

We both nodded our heads in greetings.

"Well, we've gotten your test result for the CT and you have a tumour in your left ear. It's what has been causing the headaches and the loss of balance you had yesterday. It seems like it had been there your whole life, and only decided to make its presence known now." I informed them. They both stared at me, digesting the information at a gradual pace.

"The good news is, it's very operable and an easy procedure because the tumour presented in a safe location. No nerves in the way" I continued.

"Okay, what are the risks of the operation? And will our insurance be able to cover it?" the husband asked and I looked to Ashley to provide the information.

It was, after all, a teaching hospital. I couldn't be doing all the talking.

"Well, for every procedure there are always risks. This procedure has a five percent chance she could lose her hearing in the affected ear but that is the worst-case scenario. Luckily, your wife's case wouldn't lead to that. However, the CTs don't always give us an exact view of everything. Untill we go in for surgery. For now, she's in good hands" she said, all in one breath.

"And, yes your insurance can cover the operation as it is a simple procedure" she concluded with a small smile.

There was a sigh of relief from the couple. The husband placed a hand on his wife's shoulder and she held unto it.

"Dr Anderson is the very best Otolaryngologist and will carry out the procedure. Ashley and I will also be in the OR with you, so you have nothing to worry about." I assured them.

"We'll need you to fill out some paperwork as we prep her for surgery," I said to her husband then left Ashley to conclude.

I walked out of the room and in a split second, the corridor spun around me. A woozy feeling washed over me, making me shut my eyes tightly. I placed a hand on the wall to support myself. I stayed in that position for a few minutes as I took in shallow breaths. Shortly after, I felt a hand on my shoulder and I opened my eyes to find Ashley watching at me with concern.

"Are you okay? You look pale" she asked.

"Yeah I'm fine, I haven't had anything to eat today" I assured her, with a wave of my hand.

"Okay. Let's head over to the cafeteria together, I need to get an apple anyways." she wrapped an arm around mine and pulled me off the wall.

"Yeah, sure. Let's go," I said and we both headed to the cafeteria.

I ordered a sandwich with a fried egg and a strawberry milkshake while Ashley got her apple. We walked over to an empty table and sat down.

"So, I'm having this little get together at 93 degrees to celebrate my one year anniversary. Wanna come?" she asked before taking a bite of her apple.

"Oh, I'm sorry I have this thing I have to take care of. I won't be able to come but Congratulations tho," I rushed out and stuffed my face with my sandwich.

93 degrees was the nightclub I celebrated my first solo surgery in. Since that day, I hadn't stepped foot in there or any club to be precise.

"Oh okay, thanks"

I swallowed and my stomach churned, I felt bile rise in my throat. I rushed to the nearest bin and emptied my stomach of the little food I had put in it. Soon, I felt Ashley's hand on my back while the other pulled strands of hair away from my face.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said with heavy breaths.

She handed me my milkshake.

"Thanks, looks like I'll just have the milkshake then," I said with a light chuckle.

She watched me with narrowed eyes. It was clear she didn't believe a word but didn't say anything. We left the cafeteria and headed to the operating room to scrub in for Natalie's surgery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Midway into the surgery, I felt hot flashes hit me and I started sweating profusely. My whole body felt weak and overwhelmed with heat.

What in God's name is happening to me?

"Dr Amanda, clamp the opening near my finger" I heard Dr Anderson say to me.

I looked at him but he had become blurry in my eyes. I blinked back and shook my head to clear my vision. I began to take in slow heavy breaths and the mask around my face didn't help matters.

"Dr Amanda, are you okay?" I heard him say.

I couldn't reply as I felt my body almost keel forward so I backed away from the patient. I didn't want to cause any damage if I fell.

"Are you okay?" I heard Ashley say but they all looked blurry.

"Help her scrub out, she looks like she's going to pass out" Dr Anderson instructed one of the assisting nurses.

I felt hands grab my shoulders, gently steering me towards the door. I didn't get too far before I felt the ground escape my feet and I fell backwards.

"Someone get a gurney in here" Dr Anderson yelled.

The blurred picture of the surgical lights was all I saw as I went in and out of consciousness. I felt hands lift me into a gurney and wheeled out of the OR, then I finally blacked out.

~~~~~~~~~

An M&M conference (Morbidity and Mortality Conference) - A forum that provided clinicians with the opportunity to discuss medical errors and adverse events. Thus, we learn from them and handle such situations better if they occur in the future.

Post-operative ileus - A malfunction of the intestinal movement after major abdominal surgery

Otolaryngologist - specialist focused on the ear, nose and throat

OR - Operating Room

PLEASE VOTE, COMMENT AND SHARE