A piercing scream escape me as I shot up from the bed, covered in sweat. Nicholas hovered over me with worry etched over his features. Kosiso began to cry from the nursery, my screams had woken him up. Nicholas patted my shoulders and left to take care of the baby. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rocked myself on the bed. My knees knocked against each other as I trembled.

After two minutes, when the shaking had stopped, I got out of the bed and trudged up to the adjoining bathroom. My reflection stared back at me in the mirror. There were dark bags under my eyes, my skin looked flushed and my eyes were dull. I released a deep sigh as I turned on the faucet and splashed water over my face.

I lifted my eyes back to the mirror and the overwhelming need to break down into tears washed over me. I gripped and bent over the porcelain sink as my body was wracked with sobs. What is going on with me? I couldn't go an hour without crying or feeling overwhelmed.

Nicholas emerged behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I turned around and allowed myself to be hugged by him. He ran his palm along my back and whispered soothing words into my ear.

"Is it the nightmares?" he whispered, his jaw pressed against the top of my bonnet.

I nodded, my eyes closed and my face still pressed up against his chest.

"It's okay," He continued to run his hands along my spine. "You're okay"

I pulled in a deep breath and released a shaky one as I pulled away. I sniffled and wiped my face with the pad of my fingers then muttered. "Thank you,"

I headed back into the room and Nicholas followed behind me. I stood and glanced at the rumpled sheets on the bed. I wasn't sure I'd be able to go back to sleep. I could feel Nicholas's gaze so I cleared my throat and walked over to the side of the bed. "Is the baby asleep?"

"Yeah, he was just a bit startled" he replied

I nodded and lowered myself unto the bed. "Thank you," I glanced back at my pillows and smoothened the creases on the sheets.

"Do you want me to stay here with you?" Nick asked, his eyes softly gazing down at me.

I moistened my lips and shook my head. "No, it's fine. Thank you"

"Are you sure?" He took a few steps closer to the foot of the bed. He saw the hesitation in my composure and added. "Nothing has to change between us"

My shoulders sank with exhaustion as I lifted my eyes to him. I slowly nodded. "Okay,"

He moved towards the opposite side of the bed and laid down. I laid down on my side and placed my hands beneath my face as I stared at the wall. I closed my eyes and evened my breathing until Nicholas's soft breathing sounds filled the room. I reopened my eyes and stared blankly at the wall. I couldn't sleep after that.

I had been having nightmares about the elevator birth for the past two weeks. In my nightmares, I was back in the elevator, only this time it was dark. I was screaming and banging against the metal doors, every single time. When I got to the part where I'd start pushing was when I'd wake up. It was terrifying. On some nights, I wouldn't sleep until the morning came through but the nights I did fall asleep, I was plagued with horrifying nightmares.

I stayed awake till the morning light began to filter in through the curtains, and then I got up. Kosiso was fast asleep when I peeked into the nursery so I decided to clean up around the house. I needed to keep my mind occupied. There was some baby stuff lying around in the living room, it was a good enough place to start.

The last two weeks haven't been easy for me. Since I left the hospital and moved in with Nicholas, I'd been crying a lot lately. It could be for the smallest things or for no reason at all. It wasn't just crying though, I was moody all of the time. I didn't have an appetite for food and eating felt like a chore. I didn't feel like talking to anyone as well and I wanted to be alone all the time. I felt overwhelmed and anxious all the time like I was waiting for something bad to happen but it just wasn't happening.

Breastfeeding and pumping were another ball game. I couldn't produce enough milk, no matter what I ate. I couldn't put Kosiso down to sleep. He would either cry himself to exhaustion or Nicholas would put him down for me. I felt incapable of doing anything properly anymore and I was frustrated half the time.

"You're up early?"

The baby shawl in my hands almost slipped out as I jerked. I turned around and found Nicholas leaning against the wall, watching me. 

I nodded. "Yeah"

He looked at me for a few seconds and pushed himself off the wall. "You didn't go back to sleep, did you?"

I sighed and began to fold the shawl. "No"

"This is unhealthy. You need to sleep, for the sake of our child" he took some steps closer.

I looked up at the ceiling and blinked back tears. "I know and I'm trying my best"

He walked over to me and held me by the shoulders. "Something is going on with you and I don't know what it is. I'm worried about you"

I couldn't bare the feeling of his eyes on me so I shrugged his hands off and picked up a napkin from the sofa. "I'm fine. I'm just going through the 'baby blues'. I'll be fine"

I didn't wait to hear any more from him and I charged toward the nursery. I'll be fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I paced along the living room with Kosiso on my chest, bouncing and patting his bottom. For the past twenty minutes, I'd been trying to soothe him but he just kept screaming. I had tried breastfeeding in case he was hungry but he wasn't having it. I checked his diaper but it was clean. I tried rocking him whilst sitting, but he still kept crying. I was so frustrated, that I started crying along with him. Was it me? Was I not cut out for this?

The bell rang through the house. I walked over to the door and glanced at the security cam. It was Whitney. I wiped my face with the back of my palm and opened the door. Her wide smile faltered. She took Kosiso from my arms and we walked into the living room. I watched as she sat and rocked him till he fell asleep.

Are you kidding me? Was there something wrong with me? Or am I holding him wrongly?

Once he was deep in sleep, I showed Whitney to his nursery to put him down. She headed to the guest bedroom I occupied, that way, we could hear the baby. I sank into the armchair by the wall and Whitney sat on the edge of the bed.

"Girl, what is up with you? Look at your eyes. You've got dark eye bags all over your eyes. Are you even sleeping?" she asked, her forehead marked with worry lines.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah . . . I do"

"You're lying and I know it," she stared at me but I avoided meeting her gaze. "Look, I don't want you to get mad at Nick but he called me and told me everything that's been going on. He's worried about you. We are all worried about you"

I pushed the upper part of my lip with my tongue as I crossed my arms over my chest. I focused my gaze on the wall on the opposite side of the room.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" she asked

I huffed a sigh as I dropped my hands and returned my eyes to her. "I didn't want to bother you with my problems. You've been there for me so many times and I just didn't want to seem like I was always bringing my problems to you, you know"

"I've never complained, have I? Look, you're like my sister and your problems are my problems, okay?" she said

I moistened my lips as I nodded. I lifted my eyes to the ceiling and dabbed at the tears that pooled at my lids. Whitney came to sit on the arm of the chair and hugged me to her side.

She ran a hand along my arm. "From what Nick told me over the phone and looking at you right now . . . I think you have postpartum depression"

"No. I don't think so," I pulled away and turned to face her

"Well okay," she nodded, her voice low and placating. "Why don't you and Nick get a doctor to rule out the possibility?"

"No," I shook my head and lowered my eyes to my legs. "I would know if I have postpartum depression. I'm just experiencing baby blues . . . and you know, it's my first baby, so it's a little tough"

"Come on, what is going to cost you? Just see a doctor and let the doctor rule out postpartum" she placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

I looked up at her and she cocked up both brows with a persuading soft smile. I sighed and nodded. "Fine"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So you're saying the crying, insomnia and not eating are all symptoms of postpartum depression?" Nicholas asked

I picked at my nails, behind Dr Meera's office desk and trained my eyes on the files on her table.

She nodded. "Yes. In her case, it's postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder" she locked her fingers on the table as she spoke. "It occurs in 9% of women who might have undergone some kind of trauma during pregnancy or childbirth. Like in her case, having the baby in an elevator. That would explain the nightmares and the symptoms of PPD"

"So, what's our next move?" Nicholas asked

"There are anti-depressants we prescribe for such issues but we'll have to do some blood work to determine what drugs will be suitable for you" she explained.

I lifted my eyes to her and leaned forward in my seat. "Will I still be able to breastfeed while taking the drugs because that's very important to me?"

"Of course, once we get your blood drawn and determine the right medication needed. We'll find the right dosage that would be enough for you and safe as well for the baby" she explained with practised patience.

I nodded.

"I would also advise that you see a therapist who you could talk to about your experience" she added.

"No, I'm good" I shook my head. "I don't feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger about my personal life"

She nodded. "It's your decision but what you're going through is a mood disorder. It's not just going to go away and that's why I'm suggesting therapy. It is nothing to be embarrassed about"

I glanced at Nicholas. His eyes pleaded with me to give it a try. It wouldn't hurt to try, right? I exhaled and nodded. "Okay"

"Great, I'll refer you to a good therapist" she clapped her hands together with a smile. She picked up a small piece of paper and scribbled on it then handed the paper to me.

She called for a nurse to do the blood work and informed us that would hear from her in a few days. In the meantime, she advised I give the therapist a call and schedule a meeting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been a week since I started taking the medications and attending therapy. I felt much better and I could say confidently I was on my way to recovery.

Kosiso suckled greedily on the bottle of freshly pumped milk and I cooed at him. I tried to get him to focus his eyes on me but he kept staring at the wall behind the TV. The front door was pushed open and Nicholas walked past, carrying a binder in one hand. His tie was loosened and his jacket hung from the crook of his arm.

He retraced his steps and peeked into the living room. Once his eyes landed on us, he came in and headed in our direction.

"Welcome home" I gave him a small smile and returned my eyes to our son.

"Thank you," he hovered over me and tried to touch Kosiso's cheeks.

I stopped him by holding back his wrist and he lifted his eyes to me. "Your hands are not clean"

"Oh yeah, sorry" He straightened up as I released his hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Good," I pulled the bottle away from Kosiso lips and placed him against my chest. "I feel much better," I said as I burped the baby.

"That's great," He nodded. "Well, I'm going to go up and change"

"Okay,"

Just as Nicholas reached the threshold of the doorway, I called out to him.

He halted and turned his head to me. "Yeah?"

"Thank you . . . for helping me out and being supportive," I said

The corner of his lip turned up into a small lopsided smile. "Always"

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