We spent the last days of summer attached at the hip; she even asked me to invite Daichi over, but I lied and said he was busy. He'd called a thousand times, helpless voicemails piling up in my inbox, most of which I deleted before I could let them eat me up. At practice I didn't let the team see the growing divide between him and I, putting on my most honest smile for them. He'd confront me in the locker room; the first few times I somehow tried to explain myself, as if my behavior made any sense.

But as time went on, I knew he saw straight through me. That didn't stop his hands falling on my shoulders, pulling me forward into heated kisses in the vacant locker room. And I let myself enjoy every moment of it. I got high at the sound of a door creaking open when his hands were on my bare skin, or when he held my hand behind our backs, standing shoulder to shoulder so no one would see. I found myself enjoying the thrill of it, my lies pouring out easily to anyone who dared question me. Even with (y/n), my mouth formed intricate tales before they even processed in my head, ceaselessly coming out even when my heart ached to tell her the truth. Every moment away from Daichi was filled with the fear of being caught, and I knew what I was doing was wrong.

It wasn't when she was panting my name that these feelings hit me. It was little things; when I opened the freezer to find a pint of my favorite ice cream, when she'd let me ramble on about volleyball and actually be engaged in the conversation, or when she silently played my favorite CD on the ride home. It was a deep, open wound in my chest that bled so only I could see how much pain I was in. And each time I was close to showing her, I fell into Daichi's arms and pretended to be perfectly fine. I was quickly becoming the kind of person I hated, and as much as the thought gnawed away at me, I continued on, enjoying Daichi and (y/n) as much as I pleased.

-

Once school started, things rapidly began to change. It wasn't long until Daichi, Asahi, and I graduated now, days slipping by like sand between my fingers. (Y/n) was busy too, spending more time on airplanes than with me. It made me upset that she was gone so much and I confided in Daichi- not with words, of course. He hated hearing her name, and even though he knew I refused to leave her he seemed content enough with our arrangement. We knew each other too well and we were sinking into the ground together, hands linked behind our backs as if no one could see through us.

We really believed that. That nobody noticed the secret glances between us, the 'accidental' touches, the way we lingered behind after everyone had left.

It was late September and the last of the cicadas hummed their song outside the window. (Y/n) sat next to me on the couch at my house, focused on the screen of her laptop. I loved her. I loved the way her glasses rested of the bridge of her nose, and how her focus was unbreakable when she was working. The way her things were scattered across the coffee table was somehow endearing, as was the way she messily tied her hair back.

My mom and dad had gone to bed early, leaving us alone downstairs. It was almost ten o'clock and I had just finished my homework, packing my things away in my backpack. I closed my eyes as I leaned my head on her shoulder, her skin cool on my cheek. Deep down my heart was being eaten away by guilt, termites destroying a once beautiful home.

"Hey, baby," she mumbled, her voice far away. She scratched the curve of my jaw with her nails like a puppy and I hummed into her skin, desperate to be close to her.

"(Y/n)," I quietly whined, nudging my head closer. She ignored me, typing and clicking away.

"(Y/n)," I drew out the syllables of her name, clawing for her attention. I was being selfish but I didn't care, determined to make her want me more than her work. She glanced down at me, her gaze clearly disinterested with me.

"Yeah?" She said, a hint of exasperation in her tone. I lost my nerve, simply sitting up from her shoulder without a word. She went back to her work without questioning me, and my mind darted to Daichi. I stood up and went upstairs, grabbing my phone before I plopped onto my bed. I knew I should've felt guilty texting him but I didn't allow the feeling to invade me, typing a short message to him anyways. We ended up texting each other for a while, our conversation playful and flirty.

I let out a squeal, my hands involuntarily shoving my phone in my pocket when I noticed (y/n) walk into my room. Her eyes were curious, a small smirk on her lips as she sat on the bed next to me.

"What are you hiding from me?"

"N-nothing!" I said, my voice a high pitched whisper as my heart began to pound. She quietly laughed, standing from my bed to strip out of her clothes, rifling through my drawers for something to wear to bed. I loved the way her body dipped and curved, every little detail enchanting me. I knew she was perfect and I was a monster, a villain, for doing what I was. I suddenly longed for her touch, a confirmation that we were in love. I crossed my bedroom to her, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind and placing a gentle kiss on her collarbone. She placed a hand on my cheek, caressing me so softly that it felt somehow unreal. I liked her expression when we were alone together. She looked serene and I knew in her head she thought nothing could hurt her when we were together. She left herself vulnerable to me and only me.

"I love you," she said, her voice low.

"I love you," my words fumbled out awkwardly, like it was my first time confessing to her. She turned to face me, one of her giggles escaping from her lips. Her eyes were tired, deep circles of gray beneath her eyes as she laid in my bed, waiting to pull the sheet over her until I crawled in next to her. It was still a bit warm outside but I pulled her into my chest anyways, unable to be without her close to me. I wanted to talk; the truth was bubbling in the pit of my chest, threatening to boil over. I knew she wasn't up to it though, the way she silently shifted closer to me, her breath becoming even after only a few minutes.

My phone buzzed in my pocket; I knew it was Daichi and I suddenly was sick with myself, my stomach turning. I was in love with the girl cradled in my arms but I continued to fool around with my best friend as if it didn't count. It was like I was someone else with Daichi, my body moving on someone else's accord. I ripped my phone from my pocket and threw it across the room, a loud thud against the wall.

"What was that?" (Y/n) shot up, only half awake at this point. My hands refused to comfort her, guilt overwhelming me.

"Nothing. Sorry." I mumbled, walking into the bathroom, leaving her alone. I shut and locked the door behind me, leaning my forehead against the mirror. My own eyes bore into me, angry and full of disgust. I didn't know who I was anymore, the person staring back at me a stranger. I forced myself to pull it together though, splashing water on my face before returning to (y/n). My stomach dropped as I saw she was plugging my phone in next to my nightstand.

"It was almost dead," she said, her voice calm as usual. I didn't know how to act; I was torn as I climbed into bed next to her, facing each other now. She gently placed her hand on my cheek, fingertips pushing my hair away from my face. Her expression was calm but it made me uneasy, her eyes seemingly different.

"I love you." She whispered, her eyes burning through me.

"I love you." I repeated. She gave me a small smile but I couldn't tell if it was genuine. Before I had the chance to even truly consider coming clean she closed her eyes, nuzzling in close to me. I convinced myself I was imagining the uncertainty behind her gaze, the guilt playing tricks on me. I fell asleep shortly after, determined to somehow make things right, starting tomorrow.

-

The next day I told (y/n) not to pick me up after practice, telling her one last lie that I had to focus on studying (which wasn't actually a complete lie). I met Daichi outside the school after everyone had left, standing in front of him in one of the outside corridors. My hands were sweating and shaking, every nerve buzzing.

"Hey," he said, concern on his face.

"Hey," I breathed. "We need to talk." His eyes widened, his response only a nod. We began to walk in step, neither of us speaking for a while. The tension was practically visible between us, our eyes glued to our feet as I gathered up the courage to say what I had practiced in my head all day.

"Daichi-"

"Just say it." He said, stopping on the silent sidewalk. We turned and faced each other; his eyes were clenched shut.

"Daichi, we can't do this anymore," I began, desperate to get on with what we both knew was coming. "We can't keep going on the way we are as if it's not completely wrong-"

"What's wrong about it?" He asked, his voice cracking like a piano.

"We're best friends Daichi," I said, my voice getting higher. "I have a girlfriend, and-"

"If you didn't have a girlfriend would things be different?"

"Daichi-"

"If (y/n) wasn't around would things be different?" He spat her name.

"That's not fair, Daichi!" I pleaded.

"You know what's not fair?" He said, looking up at me. "That you let me believe I actually had a chance when you never intended to return my feelings. You let me go on thinking I might eventually win you over when she was the only one you actually cared about hurting. Well guess what, Suga? You hurt me too."

"Daichi, you know how much I care about (y/n) and this whole time you just tried to win me over instead of supporting me-"

"Are you serious?!" He yelled, a passerby on the opposite side of the street glancing at us. "You think it's my fault that you cheated on your girlfriend? You can't blame me for that, and you can't blame me for falling in love with you either."

"If you'd have just been happy for me instead of looking like you were going to be sick anytime I mentioned (y/n) then none of this would have happened!" I yelled back, unable to place the fault on myself even though I knew it was the truth.

"Was I supposed to pretend to be happy and let myself die inside every time I saw you happy with her instead of me? Should is have given up to save you from what would have probably happened regardless?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It hardly took anything for you to give in and be with me. You would have cheated on her with anyone who came along."

"Stop saying that!" I stepped forward, mere inches between us.

"Stop saying what? That you cheated on her?" He scoffed. "Don't tell me you've let yourself believe that what you've done with me somehow doesn't count because we're guys or something. You cheated on (y/n) and you're responsible for anything that comes from that. You're responsible for hurting me and her."

"Shut up!" I shouted, closing the gap between us as I grasped the collar of his shirt despite him being bigger than me. He shoved me away by my shoulders, causing me to take a couple steps backwards. He began to step away from me, his expression pained.

"You did this to yourself, Suga," he said, looking away from me. We stood across from each other, the sun setting behind me casting a golden light on everything. "You can cut me out of your life and pretend nothing ever happened, and maybe (y/n) will never know anything. But you will. You'll always know that you've left scars on people you claim you love and nothing can change that."

I stared at him in silence, the truth of his words twisting through me like a knife. He finally turned his back on me, walking away. My legs remained still, heavy as lead beneath me. I felt wetness running down my cheeks and I fell to my knees, unable to even support myself any longer.

The sun set behind me, gold turning to black before my eyes. After seemingly an eternity I stood from the pavement, walking myself home. My brain wasn't working though, my thoughts muted out by a numbness inside of me. I didn't feel the chill of the night air, or the vibrating of my phone, or hear strangers asking if I was alright. My wound was open and bleeding, leaving a trail behind me as my body somehow managed to walk me home. I was simply going through the motions as I opened the front door and walked upstairs to my room, a half-hearted hello to my parents on the way.

I dropped my backpack on the floor and stood there silently. My body now refused to move, not even falling onto my unmade bed where (y/n) had slept with me just hours ago. I simply stood in my bedroom, my mind somehow vacant and racing simultaneously. I stood there for ages, ignoring the knocks at my door and the ringing of my phone; I ignored the truth as I had been doing this whole time, pretending I wasn't the monster I really was.