"Sit up," I hear a familiar, clearly exhausted voice above me. It's only been a couple of seconds since both Daichi and (y/n) are hovering over me, both of their faces painted with the same emptiness as before. I sit up, coughing until I finally begin to breathe again. The three of us sit there and the moments of silence that pass are brutal, the realization of my situation becoming clearer with each passing second.

Daichi is the first to stand, brushing off the dirt and snow from his knees while carefully avoiding my gaze. (Y/n) stays on the ground next to me and unconsciously keeps her hand resting on my back where it was; if she was aware she'd have pulled away by now.

Daichi takes a deep breath. "Goodbye, Suga." He walks away down the street and his figure is out of sight after a little while. His goodbye is final, forever- this was an undeniable, sure end.

I turn my attention to (y/n) and her gaze is caught in the direction Daichi walked off in. She's wearing a long sleeve dress, her legs covered in sheer tights. It's dressy enough where I wonder what she's wearing it for but I know not to ask. Finally she directs her attention to me.

"Does it hurt?" She asks, her voice quiet but somehow loud at the same time in the silence of my street.

"What?"

"Does it hurt to watch him walk away, for good? To know that... it was for nothing."

The truth of her words isn't news to me as the exact thought had run through my mind many sleepless nights. Everything; my first date, my first kiss, my first love- were all fruitless in the end. The snow began to fall quicker now, building up on my shoulders and legs where I sat on the ground. Snow stuck to (y/n)'s hair, flakes melting as they fell on her flushed cheeks. Moments pass and I remember that she asked me a question I have no answer to. Of course it hurts, I want to say, it hurts more than anything I've ever felt and I know there was nothing before you to compare it to but fuck, I know there's nothing better after you either.

She closes her eyes as she stands up, the exhaustion showing on her features. She's tired of me, the same as everybody else- I don't blame her. I'm tired of me too, feeling the usual numbness settle over me as I pick myself up from the cold ground. We stand and it's obvious that she came here to say something but instead of speaking, the usual fire she lets out when she's upset- she fidgets with the sleeve of her dress, anxiety clear on her features. Every piece of my soul is reaching toward her but my physical body remains motionless; I have a sort of realization in this moment of silence that my problem was in this all along. In the standing still, in the going with everyone's desires no matter how they conflicted, in the passiveness of myself. I could change that now. I could reach out, wrap my arms around her and fall to the ground in a heap and try with all my heart to get her back.

But it's too late for me to be my own hero at this point because I'm truly just my own villain now. The thought is nice but I stay concrete in front of my door.

"Koushi..." she finally speaks, the edge of tears coming through her voice.

"Yeah?" I look up into her eyes for the first time in seemingly ages and it's as if the world inside them has gone through World War III, no trace of the life that once flourished there. Her eyes reflect mine and I feel something for a second. A pulse of how our hearts used to beat together, that feeling of being in love with someone.

"Koushi..." Tears well up in her eyes and it overwhelms her as she throws herself into my arms, dragging us down to the ground once again. Her embrace is tight on me, her body so familiar but the feeling so foreign. Slowly my arms wrap around her in return and as we hold each other there I let myself cry for the first time in a while, my walls crumbling for her.

She pulls away, wiping away my tears with her thumbs, a fondness in her eyes.

"You don't get to cry," she giggles through her own sobs. "It's your fault we're here anyways."

"I know." I whisper back, unable to look away from her eyes or stop the tears flowing. Her laugh, her embrace, it's all out of place and I wonder again why she's here in the first place.

"I was on my way to pick up a couple things and I found myself driving by your house. I saw Daichi and before I knew what was happening I was peeling into your driveway..." She chuckles, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. "I should get going though."

I imagine the look on my face was as desperate as humanly possible as her features softened into mild pity, her lips curving into a small smile. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, as if preparing herself for her next response.

"Do you wanna tag along?"

"Yes please." I answered almost before she finished, standing to my feet. I reached my hand down to her and she hesitantly took it; I shivered from the snow as well as our proximity. She smelled like the perfume she kept in the bathroom cabinet, that she only wore when we went out. I entertained the idea that she planned to come here all dressed up as I climbed in the passenger seat, catching her staring at me. She didn't blush or whip her head away though, just continued to look at me for a long moment.

"You look like shit," she finally spoke. I was taken back. I knew her words were completely true but her bluntness through me off.

"Uhm..." I mumbled, not sure how to respond.

"I'm not trying to be mean," she laughed as she pulled out of my driveway. "You just... it's kind of obvious you haven't been taking care of yourself. You used to be like, so clean and- sorry." She interrupted herself before she could say anything too hurtful. I felt embarrassed; here she was, beautifully dressed and smelling like a flower shop and then there was me: I'd probably been in the same clothes for at least two days, I hadn't brushed my hair in God knows how long, and I'd ignored the daily task of putting on deodorant enough that it was becoming noticeable. I felt my cheeks getting hot as I fiddled with my hands, unable to respond.

"Sorry," she repeated. "I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I just... I don't like seeing you like this. I know you're better than all this."

"Not without you," I answered quietly. A silence dropped onto us, heavy and suffocating. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut because as sappy and romantic my words might have seemed out of context, they really only made me seem like more of an asshole. Selfish, I thought, selfish, selfish, selfish. As usual.

The rest of the car ride was filled with an oppressive quiet. Guilt overwhelmed me and I began to feel trapped inside my own head, my thoughts eating away at me. Time passed and I noticed the car stopped; we were in the parking lot of the supermarket in the neighboring city. She turned off the engine and it quickly got cold as snow continued to fall.

"Let's try and hurry," she mumbled, her mood clearly turned distant. "I don't wanna get stuck here in the snow."

Inside the market I quietly follow behind (y/n) as she checks things off from the list in her head, tempted to reach out and steal a touch, even if it was just our elbows brushing. But she knew me; I planned little things like that, always trying to persuade a moment in my favor.

We were in and out in twenty minutes. The snow had gotten heavier and the thought planted itself in my head- getting snowed in together at her place. I'd entertained the thought before while we dated, always fantasizing about curling up together on the couch and drinking hot chocolate, sharing a blanket, the typical scene. My heart ached at the realization that we didn't make it long enough for me to fulfill such a simple little daydream.

"I know what you're thinking," she said, driving slowly as the windshield wipers hardly kept the road visible.

"What's that?" I answered, looking over to her. She looked so pretty. She was always so put together; even when she rolled out of bed everything made sense, as if that's exactly how she was supposed to look. She always looked complete, a finished masterpiece.

"You're thinking how sorry you feel for yourself."

"A little blunt but true." I reply, feeling embarrassed at how I wore my feelings on my face so clearly.

"Why did you stop trying?" Her voice small in the quiet of the car, the hum of the heat and snow falling creating a white noise.

I knew what she meant. I knew what she was asking but instead of putting in an effort, I asked the question anyway.

"What do you mean?" Just to hear her voice again. Even if it's venomous screams cursing me, I'd do anything just to hear her speak.

"Why did you stop trying to get me back? I know you still want me, but you stopped showing it at all. You're a stranger to me."

We slowed to a crawl, the road in front of us all but gone in the snow. I'm silent, unable to fish out an answer. She rests her forehead on the steering wheel as we're stopped, frustration almost visibly pouring out of here. Something inside of me screamed to say something, anything, as long as it wasn't the numb silence everyone expected.

"(Y/n), I'm sorry," I said, my voice already cracking. "I'm sorry I gave up on us and I'm sorry I made you feel like I didn't want you and I'm sorry I cheated on you and I'm sorry I lied over and over and over-"

A sob breaks my pathetic speech, tears easily falling down my cheeks. It felt good to feel anything at all though, to remember I was alive. Her gaze breaks through me, her expression expectant, waiting on me.

"I'm sorry I let you down," I sobbed, unable to pull my eyes away from hers. She slowly pulls over to the side of the road, parking the car. The snow is impenetrable now, the heat on full blast as we sat unmoving.

"I'm sorry, (y/n). I know I can't take any of it back and I know I can't fix it, but I need you to know that I am sorry. I could apologize for the rest of my life but I know it won't be enough for how much I've hurt you. I've hurt everyone. I'm not asking for you to forgive me but I'm just- I- I'm sorry."

She's silent for many unbearable minutes as I desperately try to get myself to stop crying. She eventually pulls out her phone and begins to dial a number, holding it up to her ear.

"Who are you calling?" I asked, a little annoyed.

"A tow truck," she answered quietly. "We're not getting out of here anytime soon on our own and I want to go home."

She twists the knife while she speaks to the towing company as if she hadn't just pushed me aside like my words were nothing. Even though I said I knew she wouldn't forgive me, damn it, I thought she just might. I felt a familiar anger that should've been directed at myself towards her. Once she hung up the phone, turning to speak to me, I lost it.

"What the fuck, (y/n)?" I yelled, holding my head in my hands.

"What?!" She answered, startled. Her expression read fear, looking paralyzed under my gaze. As much as I imagined her every emotion, her eyes wide with fear had never crossed my mind. This didn't set in my head though, and I continued to release my misguided anger on her.

"I pour my fucking heart out to you and you call a tow truck to go home?! How can you just leave me with nothing?"

I'm staring at her, my hands balled into white-knuckled fists. I'd never felt such a deep anger, something uncontrollable inside of me. Her eyes welled up with tears, her hands visibly shaking where they gripped the steering wheel.

"Answer me!" I yelled, pounding my fist on the door. She choked out a sob she desperately tried to hold back, the sound throaty and painful.

"Koushi..." she cried. "Who are you?"

"Don't give me that," I sighed, leaning back in the seat, a lump in my throat threatening to suffocate me. "Don't... say that to me."

The time waiting for the tow truck is silent save for (y/n)'s quiet sobs as she clutches to her wallet and phone in her lap. Eventually it shows up and a man drives us back to (y/n)'s place, giving me wary glances the whole way and calling her honey too many times.

When we walked inside it was freezing; she walked into her bedroom and changed into a sweatshirt and sweatpants, plopping herself on the couch. I sat on the opposite side and the small distance felt insurmountable; she was so far away from me, farther than ever before.

"Suga," she finally spoke, her eyes glassy from the tears. "I can't do this anymore. I mean it."

"Don't say that," I answer, looking over to her. "Don't say that."

"Suga," she sobbed. "Go home. Go home and don't come ba-"

"Stop!" I shouted, a guttural sound. "Stop, stop, stop!"

She stood up from the couch and began to walk toward the door but I shot up and grabbed her arms, pulling her toward me. She fought my grip, pulling away but I just caught her again each time.

"Suga, stop it!" She screamed, her voice full of terror. "Get off! Get off!"

I wrestled her to the ground and as she tried to crawl away I grabbed her by the ankles and pulled her back, her screams filling the small apartment. My body moved on its own, my mind no longer in control. I reached a hand towards her jaw, holding her head down.

"You are not leaving me anymore," I said, the sound of my voice unfamiliar.

She continued to scream and when I tried to cover her mouth with my hand she bit me so hard it drew blood. She freed one arm and grabbed my face, pushing me back until I finally had to let go. In a panicked scramble she reached for the door, practically falling outside. I ran after her, catching her by the waist and pulling her back to ground in the doorway. She screamed louder than ever before, a shrill and ringing sound that let anyone who hadn't heard us already know something was going on. After a few more moments of struggle a figure appeared, rushing across the street.

"Get your fucking hands off her!" Asahi bellowed as he climbed the stairs.

"Help me!" She screamed over and over. I was no match for him; he picked me up by my head and threw me back into the apartment, blacking me out for a few moments with one punch.

When I came to he was holding (y/n) up. I had a single moment of clarity; her body was violently shaking, her hair a mess, her jaw and throat beginning to bruise.

"You better fucking run because the cops are going to be here any minute," Asahi growled. I did exactly as he said- ran. The other tenants of the apartment were up and I was sure one of them had called the police by now. As I ran, my vision blinded by the blizzard, hot tears contrasting with snow on my cheeks, I had one thought: I love her. I love her, I love her, I love her.

I saw red and blue lights fly past me and realized I couldn't go home, or anywhere else. I felt utterly helpless where I stood on the sidewalk; nowhere to go, no one to help me, nothing. Every bridge I'd ever built was nothing but a pile of ashes now, the flames of my first love destroying everything I'd ever loved.

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hi everyone ! Thank you for waiting so long, i made this chapter extra long to make up for the wait. please remember to vote and comment if u want !! i luv reading comments so much it.......fuels me.....anyways just an update on me:

tomorrow is my first day off in two weeks T_T i hate it but i haven't been taking very good care of.myself lol. hopefully soon things will go back to normal and i can spend more time on myself !! besides work ive been focusing on my art a lot!! i mostly post on my instagram (feel free to hmu if u wanna follow me) but yeah. that's it i hope everyone reading this is well !! goodnite