To the Random Dude Who Started Dating My Ex-Girlfriend Two Days After We Broke Up (Yes, I Read That on Facebook)

When I saw that you were in a relationship with a girl that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, I walked outside. I said to myself, "There is no way Ashton Kutcher is going to catch me off guard." I waited 45 minutes and then I realized, there hasn't been a new episode of Punk'd in almost 3 years, so I guess I'm the only practical joke in this entire situation.

One: The first time I saw you and her in a picture. I wanted to take my entire arm, shove it inside of the computer, and snatched the happiness right off of your face.

Two: If I ever see you in the street, I'm probably going to punch you in the throat.

Three: I apologize in advance. And I know that it makes no sense to have this much anger toward a man that I have never met face to face, but my definition of love is being robbed in an alley eight times in a row and hoping there's something about today that makes all of this different. There is nothing logical about cutting off the most important parts of yourself then putting them inside hands that shake, that tremble, that crack like a Haitian sidewalk.

Four: There is nothing rational about love. Love stutters when it gets nervous, love trips over its own shoelaces. Love is clumsy, and my heart refuses to wear a helmet.

Five: Cupid is irresponsible, and I'm tired of him using me for target practice.

Six: I was told that time would heal all wounds. But what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis?

Seven: She always wore her heart on her sleeve. So tell me, why do you look so familiar?

Eight: I think I've seen you somewhere in her smile I feel like I've heard your voice in her laughter. I bet if we busted her heart for fingerprints we would only find yours.

Nine: I have this envelope. It's full of all the butterflies I felt the first time she relaxed the Velcro on her lips and smiled in my direction. I think most of them are still alive.

I suppose these belong to you, too