I was in love with Jace.

I was fucking head over heels in love with my dorky best friend.

I was smitten with a dude that I've only just met three months ago.

In love.

Jace.

The word love, what does it mean exactly? Does it usually feel like you want to vomit whenever you see or think about your lover? Does it always feel like my insides are twisting and just about to explode all over the place? Is this normal?

Love.

It's just one of those words that people don't take seriously. It's powerful, let me tell you that. Right now, it feels like I'm in a life or death situation. Love is such a funny play on words, it can either make you or break you.

If someone told you they loved you, would you take them seriously? Especially at my age, Jesus fucking Christ. If someone told they loved me, I wouldn't think of it in such a powerful way, I'd reply back the same thing because I would usually mean it in a friendly way, heck, I love my friends and family more than anything in the world.

But this love was different.

This love was not the same love I felt for my best friends or my mum.

It wasn't the same love I felt for the dog I had when I was little.

It wasn't the same love I felt for my ex's either- me saying 'I love you' was just bullcrap, basically.

This kind of love I felt for Jace was a kind of love I can't even comprehend.

Does the word love just sound weird to you now? Love. Love. Love. No?

The feelings I felt for Jace was far beyond what I've felt for anyone, ever. It felt like I was just intoxicated in Jace. Yeah, that sounds more like it.

It felt as if Jace was my everything, as silly as that may sound.

But at this moment, he is my everything.

I can't be 101% sure of my feelings though, I don't even think that the two of us would work out anyway, we're polar opposites.

Is it just me or did saying that make you feel like your heart was breaking into two? Does love hurt this much? I don't think I can handle it.

Whatever it was, it was definitely not something I wanted to feel again, never.

Albeit, that is a good point. Jace and I are opposites and let's face it, it is unlikely to happen. While he's off learning how to hack into the school system with that highly intelligent brain of his, I'd probably be off drinking some booze that I find lying around the house or in Liam's room - I know where his stash is.

We are opposites and I'm really starting to hate that word.

Opposites.

Opposites.

Its inevitable that Jace and I just won't work together.

Imagine the hate too:

"Hey look, Liam's brother is gay. That's so disgusting."

"He's going to hell."

Then again, our school was generally open minded, especially the older children given the fact that they've matured.

Our school wasn't terrible, it wasn't a place of segregation or discrimination but of course, there would be the odd homophobe though would a handful of close minded idiots stand against an army of fan girls?

To be honest, an army of fan girls would scare me more than any homophobe would, I mean, take Trisha for example - she's completely mental in the head.

Phew; glad she's gone as well as her stuck up parents whose heads are shoved far too deep inside their asses.

Liam thought it would've been a great idea to snap nearly all of Molly and Trisha's lipsticks and I thought it would've been a great idea to squirt shampoo into their bags and all over their neon bras but it didn't even work out that well.

In the end, I was caught squirting the white stuff in the bags and ended up having to wipe them out - even when I argued that their bags could smell like strawberries because come on, who doesn't want a strawberry scented bag?

I mean, I would totally want that.

I was rudely snapped out of my reverie by my mum who was banging on the the door and yelling at me to get up out of bed and get ready for school but I wanted to stay put, laying in my bed under the comfy duvet cover in the warmth. It was freezing outside and I was yet to prepare.

I twisted around so that I was laying on my back, arm under my head and eyes staring up at the blank white ceiling. Today was going to be a difficult day, I'll have to see Jace and go over his after school for another physics revision session. I've always hated those, they were terrible but they were also worth it for obvious reasons. You would expect Jace and I to just muck around during those and not do any work but education is Jace's top priority and to succeed with flying colours is his biggest dream so he doesn't let me get distracted.

There I go again, thinking about that loser. That handsome and witty loser.

I sighed at the unfairness of it all, It was quite obvious Jace was starting to like Lori, that girl from the football game. He's texting her nearly all the time and he even smiles at his phone like a complete doofus whilst doing so.

I sighed again and slapped my forehead with my free hand and dragged it down my face, feeling its sweatiness. Gross, I thought.

The cold air bit at my skin as I stood up and though it was coming to the end of March, the British weather was well suited to the early days of December. The weather was still in zero below temperatures in the early morning and I prayed for it not to randomly snow - That stuff was annoying as hell.

It would most probably all icy outside and I just can't handle shit, not when a friend of mine fell over last year and had to stay in crutches for quite some time.

I was finally ready and out the door at 8:45 my class started in fifteen minutes and Liam ditched me so I mentally prepared myself for the forty minute walk that is to come. I reckon that because of the ice, I would most probably trip over and I told this to my mum but she only just nagged me about time keeping and learning from my mistakes.

Pfft, women.

As my hiking boots slapped on the pavement, my mind was elsewhere, sorting through things I've buried at the back of my mind.

I thought about the most random things such as what I would've been doing this time last year or what it would be if Jace and I got together and lived happily ever after and then I also thought about other things such as what it would be like if I didn't pass with flying colours this year.

The cold breeze started to nip at my fingers and I found it rather difficult to change the current song playing on my phone. I stuffed my phone in my jeans pocket and clasped my hands around my mouth, breathing on them with the warm breath from my mouth to help warm it up but alas, it was no use.

I finally arrived at school without tripping over or dying and felt rather relieved. My feet felt funny as I walked through the front doors into the warmth. I was late so the usual morning rush with year seven midgets running around like no tomorrow was non-existent.

On my way to my first lesson, I saw Jace sitting in the music room just like every Monday. Usually he was alone and fully concentrated on his guitar but this time he was with a band friend and I instantly felt jealous. I usually try to make it out like I wasn't looking through the window but I was just too distracted right now.

Who was this dude?

Jace's bandmate who had his back turned to me looked awfully muscular, that part was obvious hence why Jace had yet to notice I was standing right outside the door.

He wore a checkered yellow shirt that matched his blonde hair well, he also had on a beanie with a bobble and next to him was a guitar bag.

Aw hell no.

This person was trying to steal Jace from me! I could see Jace's skinny fingers on the guy's triceps. I felt like storming into that room right now and taking what is mine.

"Zachary Hamilton! Why are you not in my lesson?" My favourite English teacher yelled with a stack of papers in her hand.

I groaned. Great timing, you annoying little-

"Stop swearing at me in your head." She smirked, knowing fully well what my tendencies are.

"Oh Emily, I would never do such a thing." I snorted.

I took one last glance through the window of the music room, feeling my blood boil at the sight in front of me then the most incredulous thing came to my head: I was whipped. I felt jealous but of course I would be, of course I'd want to kill person who is clearly touching him up or maybe flirting with him.

I remembered when Jace came out as pansexual to me, I remember him saying something about having his eyes set on his band mate.

"Zachary, don't make me give you a late mark."

I rolled my eyes. Emily- or Miss Lancaster once gave me a late mark and my mum went all hulk on me, flipping shit and everything. You know that meme with the table flipping? Yeah, that was basically her.

I started walking down the hall towards said English class with said teacher.

"So why are you out of your lesson then?" I asked her, smirking.

"I had to collect some worksheets." She muttered in that velvety tone.

I just lifted my eyebrows up, it was clear that she was just getting some worksheets given that she had a nice cup of hot coffee in her hand. The smell of it lingered in the air and I suddenly felt a craving for coffee.

We finally reached the classroom after some awkward conversation. Never have I actually spoken with a teacher for so long about stuff that isn't related to my academics.

How's your family?

What did you get up to during the weekend then?

How is your brother?

Jesus this woman needs to stop butting in on my life.

The lesson droned on and the only thing in my mind was a constant replay of seeing Jace and his band mate through the window, my heart ached, my entire mood just went from jolly to depressed in just a matter of seconds and my jealousy just incresed. Overall, it was a terrible experience, i felt like... like... throwing something or hugging that guy round the neck with a rope.

The bell finally rang and everyone ran out the classroom as quickly as they could but then there was me, putting all my shit in my bag with no effort whatsoever and sluggishly walking towards the door. A frown was plastered on my lips and after so much hair touching, there was no doubt that all the hardwork I put in to get such perfect hair this morning was now useless. It probably looked like I had just gotton out of bed right now but I didn't care, I didn't want to think about that stuff because that it was not something that would cheer me up right now.

"Zach you seemed a little out of it today," Miss Lancaster spoke. "If you want, you can talk to me. You're more than welcome to."

I flashed her a reassuring smile and told her that I will be fine and she just went on about helping as much as she possibly could even though she has already gone past her teenage years. I knew she meant well but I don't think anybody but Jace could help me with my issue.

"Thank you." I said as I walked out the room. I dragged myself to my next lesson, head down and heart in my stomach.

To be honest, I should just go home. There's no point of me being here, there's no point sitting in lessons and faking interest when someone tries talking to me. There's no point at all because all I'm doing is sulking, overthinking, giving myself a headache. I'm not even learning either; screw school, it's a fucking abomination, all you do is walk around getting judged on everything. Your grades, your place on the school's hierarchy, your looks and lastly, your partner; that's why I have so many girls chasing after me and crushing on me. I don't even want this shit, not at all.

The one thing that hurts me the most though? The fact I can't make them happy because I just don't roll that way, I'm constantly hurting people when I don't want to. I can't date girls just for the fun of it anymore, that was the old Zach. The ruthless heartbreaker Zach.

I realised that I had walked all the way on the other side of the football field, I didn't even realise where I was going because I was just overthinking so much so now here I was, standing near the forestry at the end of the football field.

I sat down on the grass in the most shaded part, I had a clear view of the current PE lesson going on and by the looks of it, they looked like year nines. Our field was huge and there were three different classes going on; the same year but different groups.

I brought my legs against my torso and leant on my arms that were rested on top of my knees and just stared at the group of teens closest to me playing a game of Rounders.

So maybe I did freak out earlier, maybe I did act like a total drama queen but can you blame me for feeling this way?

My phone buzzed and I reached in my coat pocket only to see I've received a text from my dear friend Flynn. I remembered that the current lesson I'd be in was Maths and that would be with him.

There was no reply after that so I stuffed my phone back inside my coat pocket.

A couple minutes later, right on the other side of the field I saw a dude wearing a familiar pair bright red high tops. He was jogging towards me and all I could do was stare.

"Hey man." Greeted Flynn. He threw his bag down next to mine and took seat a little too close to me but it was cool, I didn't mind. He was my best friend after all.

"Hey." I flashed a fake smile. "You honestly didn't have to bunk class because I did."

"Oh I did because I noticed how shit you look today."

"Thanks."

"Welcome, so are you going to tell me what's up?" From my peripherals I could see that he had mimicked my sitting position.

"I don't know. Maybe when I'm ready." I told him truthfully. Who knows how he would react to my sexuality. Would he treat me the same? Would he see me as the scum of the earth? Would he even want to be friends with me after? Who knows?

Then again, Flynn was one of my best friends, he was an amazing friend and probably my oldest one. Not a mean bone in his body, the only time he is actually offensive is when he's just being blunt because Flynn is literally the most bluntest guy I know.

"When you're ready then." He nodded to himself.

"Thank you."

"Ah it's okay," he grinned and wrapped his arms around my body. It turned out to be an awkward side hug where my shoulder is basically all up against his chest. It felt good to hug him, it felt good to just have someone's arms wrapped around me because they wanted to.

"No really, you're too good to me." I breathed. "I wish more people were like you. I love you, bro. You know that right?"

It took him at least two seconds to answer and just before he did, he sported a mischievous smirk. "Who doesn't?"

What was worrying me was the fact that he looked confused, almost concerned during those silent two seconds.

Another period went and I was still sat out on the field with my best friend. As time passed and passed, I saw how grey clouds started to take over the clear blue skies as if it was just eating it all up and soon enough, I felt raindrops fall on my skin.

I wasn't honestly all that bothered right now because my hair was already messed up and I didn't wear make up so it wouldn't just melt off but Flynn on the other hand, he was panicking like crazy.

"Oh crap crap crap!" He cried as he began combing his hair back with his fingers. The brunette hair that had once been neatly gelled up into a perfect quiff had managed to fall on his forehead and because it was just that long, it had fallen in front of his eyes too.

I just snickered as I watched him panic even more and complain about his new converses getting muddy.

Flynn was one of those people who always dress to impress, even in situations unneeded like today, for example, he had worn a nice shirt, black skinny jeans and bright red converses. He never ever wears hoodies or joggers unless he's going gym and somehow, his hair is always so perfect, it could make a hair stylist cry.

"You wanna head inside?" I asked.

He momentarily stopped panicked and turned to me. "Hell yeah!"

We shuffles our way inside the school and somehow found ourselves standing in front of the music room. Perhaps it was me that dragged us here subconsciously or it was the jealousy that was coursing through my veins to take back my Jace. Whichever it was, it didn't matter because the music room was empty.

"Do you play any instruments?" Flynn asked as he played a familiar rhythm on the piano.

"The triangle." I answered back nonchalantly but then came the moment I let out an unattractive snort and laughed.

Flynn joined in as I laughed and soon, we couldn't control ourselves. I was laughing and how Flynn's nose scrunched up as he laughed or how wide his mouth opened and he was laughing at my laughing.

Tears felt like they were going to spout out my eyes and I found it hard to breathe, ten minutes after, we had finally calmed down a little.

"It wasn't even that funny..." I snorted.

"Yeah, your joke sucked, like they always do." He winked.

"Do you want to know what else sucks?" I grinned mischievously, "you."

I saw as his face turned from one of amusement to one of concern, then back to amusement. Something was up with this kid.

He stepped closer to me, "you... Bastard. That's gay."

Then it was my turn to step closer, "you love it though, right?" I was talking about my jokes, they're hilariously terrible.

The proximity between us was way too close, he was all up in my space but for some odd reason, I didn't mind. I felt like a midget compared to him, my head only reached his ear.

His hot breath fanned my face, it smelt of mint. "Who doesn't?"

Then, the weirdest thing happened: subconsciously, my hands found themselves at either side of his waist, reeling him closer to me. His hands were resting on my shoulder, conjoined together behind my neck and the only thing I could hear right now was our breath that was mingling between us and the loud thumping of my heart in my ears.

He brought his face closer to me as did I and his plump lips met mine, they tasted like cherries.

Chest to chest, lips to lips, I knew somewhere deep down that if I really loved Jace, I wouldn't be liking this right now and I certainly would feel like I was betraying him but to be honest, I didn't feel that way at all because this moment right here was one that I was enjoying far too much.