Manducare, the newest demon king on the world, was depressed. He sat on low mountain, in the northeast of the demon lands. His people were gone, eaten by worgs as they crawled, exhausted, from the ground. They didn't even have a chance to recover! There was no honor in their deaths! No glory! A mountain goat skipped up to him and “Baaed”, before sampling his robe. He sighed.

“Now what do I do?” He asked the goat. The rest of the flock climbed towards his location, baaing. “Maybe I will become the king of goats.”

“BAA!”

“Oh, you already have a king? And he's a god?”

“Ba, Baa, bah.”

“Very interesting. I will avoid him.”

“BaA!! bAAa.”

“A Heretic? Seriously? Is this world absolutely MAD?!?” Manducare's jaw hung open.

“Baa.”

“They do nothing about him?”

“Baa, baa. Baa! Urp. BaaA.”

“Immortal?” His head drooped to his chest. “Is there nothing I can do to this place? An Immortal Heretic that the local Deities are unable to get rid of; Goats have their own super powerful god; And they outsource their heroes, instead of promoting from within?” He looked up to the heavens, and rolled his eyes. “YOU ARE ALL STUPID!” He got no response.

“Baa?”

“No, little one, there would be no sport in eating ewe.”

“BAA!!!”

“I know, goat not sheep. Just a little pun to pass the time.”

“baa.”

“It wasn't that bad!”

“urp. Baa.”

“...So, you seem to be in heat, you wanna?”

*-*-*

Yossef and Hamza looked across the large workshop that had once been owned by Maxwell The Heretic. They stared at the impressive forge, the many anvils, and even whistled at the over engineered bellows.

“I think you could fit a missile in here!” Yossef exclaimed.

Hamza smiled at his brother, “Or a pair of tanks.” Then he looked at Yossef again, “Did you loose your kippah?”

“No, I tucked it into my pocket so I wouldn't loose it in our room.”

“Oh.”

They went back to musing over what all they could fit into the workshop.

- - -

Weeks had passed in an almost blur for Yossef and Hamza. Lessons in swords, magic, armor, other weapons, and survival. Before they knew it, a local month had passed, and the arms and armor they would carry in battle were almost complete. The dedication and presentation ceremony were in three days.

- - -

“Mistress, Master Smith?”

“Yes John?”

“Um...I appraised the sword. It is a 'Blessed sword of the Celestial Ruler'.”

“It what now?!?”

“The sword came out of the forging process already blessed and enchanted.”

“You have got to be kidding me.” {Identify}

{ Celestial Ruler's Blessed sword of the Celestial Ruler

Bonus damage, Canidae*.

Blessed Item.

Holy Blade.

Mark Territory}

“What in the ever-loving gods?”

“It gets worse.”

“...Do I want to know?” What the Hells is going on here? Mistress Smithson wondered.

“Um, you should probably be aware.” John replied with some hesitation. “The armor and Shield have similar issues...”

“Let me see the shield first.” {Identify}

{Celestial Ruler's Blessed Kite Shield of Blessing

Blessed item.

Holy.

Immunity: Hairballs.}

Mistress Smithson, shoulders slumped, and sighing, requested the armor. “Armor.” {Identify}

{Celestial Ruler's Holy Armor of Holiness. Full Set.

Blessed Item.

Claws

Climbing

Enhanced Hearing.

Ghost Sight.

Holy.

Immunity: Fear.

Night Vision.

Perfect Balance/Land on Feet.

Resist Cold}

“I am familiar with the words, but...the hells?”

“I agree, mistress. It may be a hero thing?”

“Probably. What about the staff and robes for the Wizard?”

“The robes 'seem' to be normal. The Staff, not so much.”

“Give me the staff.” {Identify}

{Celestial Ruler's Blessed Magic staff of MAGIC!

3/day Casting: [Blasting Stuff]

3/day Casting: [Cone of Scent]

3/day Casting: [Cursed Hairball of Doom]

3/day Casting: [Scent of Territorial Mark]

Spell Strength Boost. }

Mistress Smithson was looking for something to hit. “Someone is playing silly buggers with us, and I don't know who. Maybe Trixie, or Kocha? It would be their kind of thing.”

“Mistress, as you know I'm not a priest and I do hesitate to debate religion with you, but I don't think this is their doing. It doesn't feel right.”

Mistress Smithson took a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself, “You are probably correct. But who would do this kind of thing? What god would play this kind of prank?”

Tom Cat walked by the large door into the Heretics shop. Why are they working in MY shop? He stopped and cleaned his right ear. Oh well. He wandered on in his pursuit of an annoying rat terrier that was harassing his rats. Stupid dogs.

*-*-*

The great hall of The Heretic was full of decorations, with the family crest, a revolver crossed with a hammer over an anvil, was on full display over the dais. Enchanted chandeliers hung from the aged ceiling beams, and spread light over the lush rugs and tapestries. Banquet tables of food were set, and objects of wonder were displayed on plinths around the hall. The halls fireplace roared with fire, and to its left, in a spot of shadow, a basket of well behaved, blue eyed kittens sat under the watchful eye of an old, battle damaged, tom.

A boy aged seven or maybe eight, sat next to the cats, and alternated between petting the tom and the kittens. “You know Tom, Tree says you need to slow down your breeding a bit, otherwise there won't be enough food around for y'all to eat.”

The old tom snorted.

“Look, it's not like we are going to insist on you getting clipped, just slow down, maybe a litter every two years?”

The tom looked at the boy through hooded eyes, “The day you can clip me, is the day I have had my final death.” His tail swished near the basket, and a kitten jumped on it. “But if you all insist, I will keep my rutting down to once a year. I do not want my children to starve.”

“Very good, Lord Tom.”

- - -

The time had come for Yossef and Hamza to leave, and the boys stood in the great hall. People were moving between the tables of food, and retiring to smaller, more intimate tables.

Yossef looked to Hamza, “When do they give us the goods?”

“About an hour, I think?” Hamza shrugged, “I just hope it's not like that fifth grade graduation cousin Sam sent us the link too. How could anyone sit through that many bad speeches?” Both boys shuddered.

The paced through the hall, each gathering a large plate of deserts and smaller plate of 'food'. They pulled up a trio of chairs next to the hearth near Tom and the kitten minder, Kris. Laying out their feast on the third chair, the started tossing meat bits to the kittens and chatting with the other two.

“So Tom, how has the breeding program been going?” Hamza asked around a brownie like confection.

Tom shook the kitten from his tail, “Not as well as hoped. It turns out, after several attempts, that all that has been transferred to the children is my good looks and perfect health.”

“Well, better luck next time.” Yossef said, after swallowing a strange fruit tart. “Oh, look. Here comes our minder. I suppose the ceremony is about to start.

Indeed it was. It took, subjectively, hours and hours of time. In truth it lasted just over an hour. The boys took their new equipment, and several dozen presents, and ran off to bed. In the morning they left on their grand adventure.

- - -

They were finally leaving! The boys were ecstatic. Their mounts were well rested, and loaded with provisions. They slowly walked out the gate of the school, and stopped to wait for a wagon to pass.

As the watched the wagon approach, one of the kittens, having escaped from the basket, raced out into the street, chasing a leaf as it was blown across the ground. The leaf blew under the wagon, and the kitten followed.

CRUNCH

The wagoner hadn't seen the kitten; and honestly would not have stopped if he had seen it; and so the boys saw the little white ball of fluff get crushed under a wheel. The poor thing didn't even have a chance to cry out in pain. The boys stared, as the blood pooled, and the wagon rolled on.

Yossef began to cry, when Hamza elbowed him, “Look!” He pointed to the kitten.

Yossef looked, then his eyes widened, unable to believe the input they were giving. The kitten stood up, gave an adorable yawn, and walked off. The whole while a little wooden timer floated above the kittens head, and eventually switched it's number from 9 to 8.

The boys rode for the north in silence, pondering what they had seen.

*-*-*

The 'Demon Wastelands' were, in a word, wastelands. Scrub brush that barely grew, and where it did grow, it was twisted and sickly. The grass was an off orange in color, exceedingly short, and smelled so bad that both boys had to cover their noses. They had been warned, and because they were actually smart enough to listen to the locals on the border, had exchanged them for a pair of 'Hera'. The Hera was a strange beast, almost the size of a horse, but more muscle, with cloven hooves, a tail that more resembled a lizard's, and sharp predatory teeth. They could eat any manner of plant, but preferred flesh, rotted flesh. Apparently they were also immune to poison and disease, but the boys didn't want to test that.

The Hera plodded along, sniffing the air, and making little growling noises. Riding the one named 'Zeus', Hamza was the first to speak. “Alright, we are here. Now where do we go?”

Mounted on 'Ananke', Yossef looked at the surrounding area. “I would say east. I feel like there is something important in that direction.”

They plodded along the uneven terrain, up and down hills made of rocks more than earth. They crossed a 'stream' that was more like a slowly moving swamp than a stream. Hours passed. When night descended, they made camp near a sheer cliff created by a boulder that sat by itself in the middle of a mostly flat plain.

The Hera were fed a combination of oats and offal from a well sealed bag, and picketed not far from the tent they erected. Camp made, and fire built from local 'wood', the boys sat and discussed the day.

“First off, this fire stinks to high heaven!” Yossef said, poking the fire with his staff.

“So do the Hera.” Hamza replied. “Do you think the locals know what 'Hera' means back home?”

“Probably not. But if they did, that would be funny.”

“That creak was nasty. Do you think we will find any clean water out here? Or food?”

“I don't know. Our survival training didn't cover the wastelands at all.” Yossef smiled. “It will be an adventure.”

That night the boys slept fitfully, waking every few hours to strange sounds before relapsing to sleep. The morning was heralded by Ananke licking Hamza's face with a rough, almost barbed, tongue. He sat up shrieking. Breakfast was fast and cold, and they were back in the saddle before the sun had finished cresting the horizon.

“Wish I had a watch.” A glum Hamza said.

“I wish I had my phone.” Yossef replied. A moment later he pointed to a low ridgeline just off to the left. “I see some sort of opening there! Om the right side of that ridge!”

??Hamza took a look, and a few minutes later the Hera were racing across the ground, towards what was indeed, a cave. It took an estimated ten minutes to get there.??

The cave entrance was man sized, maybe a little larger. The morning light only extended a short way into the cave, and revealed a smooth, unblemished, sandy floor. Hamza and Yossef looked at each other, and stepped into the darkness.

Below lies the 'original' descriptions I was going to use for the magic items the boys got. I decided to not use all of it, and changed a bit. I mean, while this is, at least tangentially, an Isekai, it really isn't a LitRPG, so why act like it is, except for comedic effect?

Anyway, without further ado, The Original Items! (I never finished them, BTW).

{ Celestial Ruler's Blessed sword of the Celestial Ruler

+100% Basic Attack

+150% Bonus to hit and damage against all forms of, or related to, Canidae*.

Blessed Item.

Holy Blade.

+100% damage.

Inflicts “Holy xxx”** on 'evil' targets.

Inflicts “Holy xxx” on Exo-planar targets.

Territorial Mark

Any 'being' killed with this blade grants the 'Celestial Ruler' additional territory equal to 10x the size of the body's remains.

When activated, the blade projects a 20' cone of stink, causing all in it's path to become ill.}

{Celestial Ruler's Blessed Kite Shield of Blessing

+100% Basic Defense.

Blessed item.

Cast “Bless” on party 3x per day.

Holy.

+100% Chance to Reflect Ranged Attack.

+50% Chance to Reflect Ranged Attack (Hairball).

+100% Resistance (All).

}

{Celestial Ruler's Holy Armor of Holiness. Full Set.

+100% Basic Defense.

Holy

Blessed

}

{Celestial Ruler's Blessed Magic staff of MAGIC!

3/day Casting: [Blasting Stuff]

+100% Blasting stuff

3/day Casting: [Cursed Hairball of Doom]

+100% Cursed Hairball of Doom

3/day Casting: [Scent of Territorial Mark]

Any 'being' killed with this Staff grants the 'Celestial Ruler' additional territory equal to 10x the size of the body's remains.

When activated, the staff projects a 20' cone of stink, causing all in it's path to become ill.

}