As the voice of the guard addressed me from behind, I tried to turn my head in his direction, but my body wouldn’t listen. Along with my paralysis came a corresponding notification.

You have been affected by the Law’s Embrace!

You are immobilized! You are pacified! You are protected!

Most forms of damage against you are temporarily nullified.

I read through the short notifications, not able to do much more. At least it says I’m protected? It was a small comfort, but apparently no one would be knifing me while I was like this.

“Do not attempt to resis-”

“I know about you! You’re the War Man!” Alara proclaimed.

“What? How are you movi- Oh. I know who you are.”

Even with my back turned on the two, I could hear the pain in the man’s voice, and I cringed. Am I hanging out with someone who’s known to law enforcement? I mentally cursed at how the night was rapidly shaping up.

“Hi War Man! What a coincidence! You happened to run into us right as we caught some bad guys!” Somehow, I could practically hear the woman beaming at the guardsman, unabashed and unashamed.

War Man grumbled. “It doesn’t qualify as a coincidence when you’re loud enough to wake the entire block, Valis. Are you even supposed to be in this district? And I would like to remind you that it’s Warram. More specifically, Guardsman Warram. And if I can’t restrain you, perhaps you could enlighten me as to why there’s a brawl happening in the alleyway, and why I should not arrest you for disturbing the peace.”

I caught the sound of a particularly meaty slap and winced. She didn’t… she didn’t just clap the guardsman on the shoulder, did she? I’m totally going to jail, aren’t I?

“These three on the ground were placing illusions on playing cards and cheating me out of money! The girl with the pickaxe revealed their evil plot and then assisted me in apprehending them when they fled like cowards! We are practically guardsmen ourselves!”

A pregnant pause followed as Warram seemed to take Alara’s story in. Considering how it painted me in a fairly good light, I was hopeful that things would end there, but it seemed that luck wasn’t on my side.

“And the girl over there. Is she known to you? She appears foreign, and she’s brandishing a pickaxe. If she’s some sort of tourist, getting into brawls with a deadly weapon, we’ll need to kick her out.”

I could feel my heartrate start to spike.

Sorry Suds. Was a nice idea while it lasted.

“I know her now! She has saved me from being swindled and has been my companion through battle!”

Maybe could we not advertise that we were in a “battle”? My mind went back to the time Suds had filled my mouth with soap. What was with people and not letting me get a word in?

“Mmm. I’m afraid I’ll be needing to take your ‘battle companion’ in for questioning then, along with these three. If I require any followup, I am aware of where to find you. That will be all.” He dismissed Alara, and with his dismissal went the last of my hope. I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to fool people about my fake backstory in regular conversations. It’s definitely not going to hold up to a serious interrogation.

Far from leaving, Alara somehow managed to get even louder. “Of course, guardsman! This will make a good story to tell back home! I met a foreign commoner who helped me uncover a group of swindlers, and then heroically battled them, managing to pacify all three without harming a single hair on their heads! Such a feel-good story! And better yet, it has something for everyone! A good story for the Chamber of the Commons, Diplomacy, Adventure, and Peace!”

Oop, okay, there goes my hope again. I’m about to be relegated to a feel good story.

“Yes, quite nice Valis. Once again, you are dismissed.” His voice was largely a level monotone, but his annoyance managed to bleed through regardless.

“And then Guardsman War Man came along and paralyzed the foreign commoner hero who made the citizen’s arrest so he could lock her up! An unexpected twist! It will make for an excellent story, yes? Perhaps I could even hire a bard to make a short song about it!”

The pause this time was far longer, until it grew uncomfortable.

Abruptly, the force binding me disappeared.

Taking a deep breath, I turned slowly to the pair that had been conversing behind me. It was something of a shock as I saw the man who’d managed to completely lock me down: He looked to be around my age, with a face like a model that was scrunched up as if he’d just swallowed something impossibly sour and foul. Curious, I Identified him.

Warram’Goss: Level 16 Pacifistic Arm of the Law, 250/250hp

Hell, who is this kid? The class was showing up as Epic, and either I was getting a very rude awakening that Epic classes were far more common than I thought, or he was some sort of hot shot.

“That’s a dangerous game you’re playing, Valis. Almost sounds like you’re getting in the way of enforcing the peace.” His mouth moved in a tight circle, his teeth grinding against one another.

Cocking her head to the side, Alara replied with the first real frown I’d seen on her face. “Hmm? Don’t know what you’re talking about War Man!” She rapped a knuckle against her head. “I ever tell you about my class? It’s got Dense in the name. See, it’s a play on words! It’s one of those fancy tradeoff classes — makes me strong but doesn’t let me raise my Intelligence above 8. Lots of things go over my head, you know?”

Clenching his hand, he locked eyes with her for a time before eventually sighing.

“I’m sure they do. Very well.” He turned to me, acknowledging me as more than an object to freeze for the first time. “Apologies for the misunderstanding, miss. Taking criminals off the street is something I can respect; however, please don’t make a habit of it, and leave the guard work to the guards. I’ll be letting you go this time around, but if there is a next time, I’m sure you understand that things might go differently for you.”

A threat veiled as a compliment. Peachy. Looked like I’d made a tight friend!

It’s fine. Strongly doubt I’m ever going back to that bar, and I’d like to believe that I’m not going to be interacting with the guards much.

I made to respond, but he cut me off before I could begin. “You are dismissed. I have further business with Valis, and then I will see to these three.” He motioned to the trio that were paralyzed much like I had been. Whatever force Alara had bound them with seemed to have been replaced by Warram’s power.

I didn’t need to be told twice. I tossed the purse towards Alara who caught it with ease, and then gave a small bow. Eager to get the hell out of there, I backed out of the alleyway.

Alara called out just as I was about to disappear out of sight.

“It was good to meet you Perceptive Pickaxe Girl! May we meet again!”

I got home late. By the time I arrived, any trace of a buzz had long since departed. I was perfectly ready to run up to bed and call it a night, but fate had other plans. As I ran up the stairs, a voice called out.

“Girl! Pretty tame night if you’re back this early. So? You have fun in Sylum?” Suds stood at the foot of the stairs, still dressed in his daytime attire.

Truth? Lie? I shrugged. Should probably tell him.

“I had a few drinks, accidentally caught a gambler who was using illusions to rig his games, got into a brawl in an alleyway, and now I’m coming back from almost being arrested.”

I’m supposed to be here to give his chamber a good rep, right? Hope this doesn’t blow up too much.

I half expected the man to start yelling, or at least flick me with a drop of water.

Instead, he started laughing.

“You said almost arrested, yeah?”

I nodded.

“Then good! You’re not really a part of the Commons if you don’t get into the occasional bar fight, yeah? Hells, even that tea-drinking son of mine got into one or two back in the day. Just don’t make a habit out of it.”

I blinked, not sure what to make of that. Really not how I was expecting that one to go. Also, Barb in a bar fight? I struggled to picture it, although perhaps age had mellowed him out some.

Still, this isn’t going to come back to bite me in the butt, is it?

Noticing my expression, Suds only laughed harder. “Eh, don’t look so worried about it. Anyone who has fun runs into the guards once in a while. You’ll probably even be in some classes with some of ‘em once you start up at the academy.”

Wha- I turned fully towards my fake grandfather, all thoughts of bed now abandoned. “Um. I’m going to be in an academy?”

“Sure, the acade-” He paused. “Oh hells, I never bothered to tell you about that part, huh? Well, I told you I’d help you train up, didn’t I? Don’t worry about it.”

Don’t worry about it? I was worried about it!

Am I going back to school? I shivered at the thought. You think you’re finally done with college, and then you end up in grad school. And then you think you’re finally done with grad school, and you end up on another planet where your fake grandfather enrolls you in an academy.

“Bah, you look like you’re staring at a ghost. Don’t worry about it; it’ll be great. And besides, that’s not for a while. You have far more immediate things to be worrying about, don’t you?”

I ran a quick mental checklist of everything on my plate right now. Pretty much just chilling with Markus and learning things. “N… No?”

Suds frowned. “Course you do. You have that ball to attend!”

I said nothing, letting the silence hang in the air for a while.

“Huh. Didn’t tell you about that one either? There’s a yearly ball to celebrate the newest wave of academy students. Hells, what did you think all that etiquette training was for? Use your head, girl! I’m sure you’ll do great.”

I groaned, burying my face in my hands. A ball? Me, at a ball? In a city I know nothing about, on a world I know almost nothing about, with a fake identity? How could this possibly go wrong?

At that moment, I found myself desperately wishing for another dark god that someone wanted me to take care of.

“Okay. And how long do I have to get ready for this whole ‘ball’ thing?” As long as I had enough time to study, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad?

The Chamber Head lifted up a hand and started counting off on his fingers, his mouth silently going through the names of the days. “Should be… 7 days? Plenty of time!”

Once again, I groaned.

With the revelation that I was soon going to have to attend a formal event and meet people, my studies with Markus took on a new — and more urgent — context. Etiquette was no longer some random pastime: It was how I was going to prevent myself from doing something that would horribly embarrass me.

Outside of my tutoring sessions, I’d had a few more repeat performances with Suds, testing out my Bind Weapon and Bind Armor skills, the latter in particular. He was curious to find what exactly counted as a suit of armor, trying to bend the rules as much as possible to turn Arcane Arsenal into a fake professional class. I’d also begged him to find me a profession that used a spear instead of a pickaxe, and he told me he’d see what he could do.

A few days of intense cramming later, a knock came at my door, bright and early in the morning. I largely expected it to be Markus, but on opening it, I found Suds standing there.

“Here to get me to test out my skills for you more?” It was largely all we’d done together since he’d given me some cash and told me to explore.

“Hmm? No, no. Come on, you’re with me today.” He waved his hand for me to join him, as if it hadn’t even occurred to him to explain what we were doing. I gave him a Look.

Is this going to be ball-related? Is it time to go get outfitted for some ridiculous dress or suffer through some noble house-art appreciation lessons? I sure hoped not. On the plus side, I doubted Suds would be the one to handle all of that personally, so maybe it was something less gross?

“Bah, don’t go getting all fussy. I’m fulfilling my side of the bargain. You wanted to learn some magic, yeah?”

My thoughts ground to a halt, before starting back up in double time. “Yes? Yes. Definitely yes.”

He slapped me on the back with a chuckle. “Good! Then let’s get a move on, yeah? We’ve got a stuffy old mage to meet.”