“It is weird.” Theo mused.

“How so?” Sean sat across from him, pen and paper in hand, yet his eyes were not looking down as he made notes, making eye contact instead.

“It’s been hard trying to relax and not doing anything for the past week.” Theo had taken all of Maria’s advice to heart, even as he had no idea how to put any of it into motion.

It was partially the free time he now found himself with, and partially the thoughts he could occupy said time with.

The way Theo had been going through life was to have another goal, another thing to work towards, another issue to solve. And now the goal was to not pursue a goal.

He was an arrow faltering mid-air, and as he fell back down to earth old thoughts started to pop up again. Insecurity came to the fore in a way that it hadn’t for a year.

The paranoid thought that the reason Maria told him to rest was because he messed up and was useless grew in his mind again, fed by all the time he spent thinking about Jenny and everyone else working hard while he was effectively confined to taking naps in the park and playing music for himself.

Hence therapy. Well, that and again Maria stressed it, and he was far from going against her wishes.

“It’s been even harder knowing that everyone I know is training and preparing.” Sean nodded, knowingly.

“That does sound hard. How does that make you feel?” Theo was starting to get used to how therapy worked. Open-ended questions, lots of time for him to think and respond, and empathy.

“…guilty.” That didn’t make it any less effective, thankfully.

“Why do you feel guilty?” Sean asked, as even and gentle as a calm lake, merely laying a question near Theo’s feet for him to discover on his own.

“Because I don’t think it’s fair for me to take a break while everyone else is working so hard.”

Sean nodded. “Well, from what you told me, you just got back from a rather harrowing experience, and one that resulted in the rescue of The Dancing Wind?” He asked.

“Yeah.”

“If someone else had gone through a rescue mission by themselves and barely got through it, what do you think they should do?”

Theo hesitated to respond, guessing where this was going. “I’d probably tell them to take it easy for a bit, recover so they can be in good shape for later.”

“Would you say the same thing to yourself?” Would he? That was the question to ask. Theo had a complicated relationship with rest. Partly because he rarely (if ever) did it voluntarily, partly because even when reframed in a way that he understood how absurd and unhelpful it was, that didn’t stop him from feeling bad.

Rest was a luxury, something afforded to people who didn’t incite an invasion.

“But the reason everyone has to work so hard and prepare for a war is because I sparked it.” Theo protested.

He paused. Even saying it out loud sounded a bit ridiculous.

Sean didn’t comment on that. “Theo, we both know this war was bound to happen, and it didn’t matter what set it off. It doesn’t make you responsible. And while I don’t think I could stop you from doing otherwise, I think you should cut yourself some slack.” Sean pushed a little bit, and then backed off as soon as he saw that Theo had gotten the message.

“Speaking of which, let’s come back to relaxing. How’s that been?”

“It’s been…nice.” Theo felt a little lighter at having admitted it. “But…”

Theo trailed off, chewing on his bottom lip. It wasn’t exactly the boredom that was the main problem. It was boring, yes, but after the lifetime of excitement that he’d shoved into a few short weeks that was still lovely.

“But…” Sean echoed, gently prompting him to continue after a minute of prolonged silence. It was something other than boredom.

“Guilt again.”

“I want you to know that that is very understandable, but it’s good that you’re noticing and able to put these feelings into words now.”

Sean looked at the clock on the wall. “You’re making progress! This isn’t easy to do. I think you should try to find some activities or hobbies that have a tangential relationship to your goals, just so you can feel less guilty about spending time doing them rather than preparing, and we can go from there.”

---

“Hey Grant.” The receptionist was behind the desk as always. It made him wonder if it was just lucky timing, or if his life was just sitting down and filling out a seemingly-endless stream of paperwork.

“What do you want?” Grant’s response snapped Theo out of his musings.

“Can I use the obstacle courses for a bit?”

Grant looked up at him for a moment, considering Theo.

He returned his attention to his paperwork, leafing through a few sheets with his right hand as he wrote something down with his left. “Don’t make a mess or break anything.” He said, distracted.

“Thanks!”

Theo rushed off.

---

The courses were different now. They felt…smaller. Mundane, almost.

They were still physically massive structures, but after having conquered them a year ago, and after all his experiences, they were less impressive.

Certainly less impressive than the decadent temples of Etol.

The lack of bones in the decorations did make it preferable and more pleasant, however.

He knew how to get through them. He knew where to duck his head to avoid a beam, and the best places to step.

Theo glided through the tangle of poles, swam through the labyrinth, and flew across the suspended platforms.

He noticed (and forcefully drew his attention away from) the trapdoor to the Martial Exchange. Beyond the fact that nobody would be in there right now (all currently doing drills in the courtyard), that would be crossing the line from a break to work.

Which sucked, because he was itching to practice the backfires and test out how effective they were in a combat situation where one side wasn’t completely taken by surprise.

But he settled for being able to just…move freely through obstacles that once gave him such grief.

It was a good feeling, flow. Nothing intimidating, nothing special.

Just something he knew like the back of his hand, something with no surprises or worries, just a comforting familiarity.

In a way, this was exactly what he needed.