As I reached the base, I saw that things were getting hectic. A large group of people were gathered on the street outside the building and doing exercises. They were basic endurance and strength forms, like push ups, jumping jacks and crunches. Johann supervised the group by giving them pointers and helpful advice. I even saw some of the non combatants joining in. Mrs Aya wasn’t among them.

As I carefully climbed the barricade I saw Chen. He was focused on the exercises and I made a mental note to ask him what he thought about this new dynamic later. Part of me wanted to believe he had no issue with what I did. I doubted.

Going around the people who exercised, I made sure not to draw too much attention to myself. I wasn’t exactly sneaking, but I felt somewhat uncomfortable about my current reputation in the group. I wouldn’t go as far as avoiding people, but if I could be unnoticed for a while longer, it would do me well. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how I felt about this entire situation. I wanted to sit down and talk with Mrs Aya. If she was willing to listen, I hoped she would help me sort this out.

The ground floor was mostly empty, only a few of John’s guys watched the supply stash, but I didn’t spare them more than a glance. Moving to the upper floor I saw Ciara, Mrs Aya, Gabriela and a few others. There were some injured, less than a dozen, and people were mostly talking at this point. They had done what they could with the little supply we had.

Mrs Aya sat among a small gathering of half a dozen, a couple injured and two other elderly that I wasn’t particularly acquainted with. She was mostly quiet and listening, so I decided it was a good moment for me to get her attention. She caught my eye as I approached the group, and they immediately went silent. I did my best not to allow the awkwardness of the situation to get to me.

“Excuse me everyone. Mrs Aya, do you have a minute?” Mrs Aya nodded, stood up and walked towards me. I gestured towards the stairs and a brief nod confirmed she understood.

I waited for her to catch up to me and we went down the stairs, out of the building, past the training people and to an out of the way corner within the secured perimeter. There were no longer any signs of the battle, the orc’s bodies long evaporated into whatever mystical smoke they turned into.

I sat down on the curb, arms resting on my knees.

“Sorry to bring you out into the streets like this, Mrs Aya. I am afraid there are no other places where we can have some privacy around here.”

“It’s okay, dear Leo. I am not that old that I can't sit on a curb.” She removed some of the dust with her hand before sitting down. “I used to do this a lot when I was younger than you. Sitting down with friends and talking for hours into the night.”

“Really?” I said more in reaction than anything else.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that. I wasn’t always old, you know?” Mrs Aya giggled and I smiled. I was happy to see her in better spirits.

“It’s good to see you in good spirits, Mrs Aya.”

“Were you worried about me?”

“Yea… after Mr Kando…” I realized the gravity of what I said. “I am sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

Mrs Aya turned and looked at the sky clock. I kept looking at her, but she didn’t show any emotion.

“We are not… home anymore. I have come to accept that. What happened to my Kando was terrible, but…” She took a deep breath. “But also merciful. Kando, for all the love I have for him, was too inflexible. He wouldn’t be able to adapt to this, it would only bring him suffering. He died protecting me, and passed away in my arms. I believe he is happy with this ending.”

I watched her hands as she grabbed the end of her dress with force. I knew this wasn’t easy for her to say, but she was trying her best to come to terms with his death. I placed my hand on her arm.

“This is a very nice thought.”

“Right? I think so too.” For the first time since Mr Kando’s death I saw a tear on her face. It streaked down across the wrinkles of her eyes toward her cheeks, but a quick hand caught it half eye, followed by a short sob.

“Oh dear, something must have fallen in my eye with all this dust.”

I gave Mrs Aya some time to recover as I looked at the sky clock in silence. It didn’t take her long.

“I am sure you didn’t call me here to hear an old lady lament. What can I help you with, Leo, dear?”

“I don’t mind listening to you, Mrs Aya.” I wanted to say more, but I knew she wanted to move on from the subject. “But there is something I want to talk with you about.”

“Is this about your altercation with Mr John?”

“Altercation is putting it mildly, Mrs Aya… I hurt him, badly.”

“Why?” She asked in her usual motherly tone. It took me a while to come up with an answer, but she waited patiently.

“Because I was angry. I was angry he had closed the gates when I was isolated and I was angry they had left me to fend for myself.” The feelings I had been repressing swelled up and I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down. I wanted to approach this with a clear head, not emotionally. “I was angry they didn’t care if I had joined them in the retreat or not, and I was angry that after all that, when things were going my way, they wanted to take away my prize.”

‘Prize? Since when have I started considering the boss as a prize?’

“Do you still feel angry?”

“I- I don’t know. I feel like my anger is justified, they abandoned me and I am entitled to feeling betrayed and furious, but I shouldn’t have done what I did to John.” I took a long hard look at what I had and at myself. “They abandoned me. That is something I won’t forget, but I don’t think they did it out of malice.”

“Why do you think that?” Mrs Aya asked me after a long period of silence between us.

“I think he was more worried about the boss jumping them inside the confines of the building and repeating what had transpired in the last wave. I would have been.” I clenched my spear. It was hard for me to reason in John’s favor when it came to my life. “John did what he thought was best to the group. Maybe if it was someone else outside he would have acted differently, but because of how well I have been performing, he might have thought I would survive somehow. I wasn’t also alone, Anichka and Sarah were there with me.” Realization of what had transpired started to dawn on me.

“I have been doing so well, handling so many of the creatures on my own, John must think that this is how I like to fight. That being alone and handling myself is my way of fighting.” I placed one hand on my head, the sense of guilt and shame threatening. “He must have done what he did out of respect and trust that I was strong enough to survive. And part of that is my fault, for allowing people to believe I am so capable.”

“Why did I accept such a task where I had only one person to back me up on a narrow alleyway with no other support? Was it my hubris? Was it greed?” My chest swelled with dreadful realization of my actions. “Maybe he didn’t even approach to kill the boss, but to help me fight in better odds. And I, stuck in my own head with an ego larger than this place told him to fuck off.”

“I have completely misunderstood the man and repaid, what was probably respect and trust, with violence and arrogance. What sort of man does that make me?” Despite all my efforts to contain my emotions, their pull was too strong. I knew I was in too deep on self loathing and guilt, but it was hard to push myself out of it.

“It makes you a man capable of learning from one’s mistakes. A man willing to take a hard look at oneself and acknowledge his shortcomings. It makes you a better man.” Mrs Aya’s gentle hand rested on my shoulder and I could feel the warmth of her words through her touch.

It took awhile for me to bring my emotions under control, but Mrs Aya helped as we spoke. Was this how bipolar people felt? This was no joke. I felt like a man in a canoe without paddles, trying to move against the current with my hands. I needed to increase my willpower as soon as possible.

“What do you plan to do about it, dear?”

“I want to sit down and talk with John. I want to listen to his side and understand what made him take such decisions. I want to hear from the man himself, instead of my own assumptions.”

“This is good, Leo. Mr John seems like a good person, I am sure you two can sit down and talk it out.” She patted me on the back.

It was a small gesture of encouragement, but it helped me more than I thought it would. Before I knew it, Mrs Aya had become someone with such an important role in my life. I often felt like there was something I was missing, or maybe forgetting. But whatever that feeling was, it was completely sated when I spent time with her.

“I hope you are right, Mrs Aya. Johann doesn’t seem to think it’s a good idea for us to meet for a while.”

“Mr Johann, hm? Maybe you shouldn’t listen to him so much.”

“Is there a reason for that, Mrs Aya? Did he do something bad? Something to you?” I was immediately worried.

‘Did Johann somehow involved Mrs Aya and the noncombatants in his politics?’

“Oh, no, no. It’s nothing really. Just some old lady’s… intuition. Forget I said it, dear.”

‘Intuition?’

As much as I was intrigued by Mrs Aya’s declaration, she didn’t want to talk about it any further. I respected her decision. We spent a while longer talking about the camp and the wounded. Apparently John didn’t want to spend much time in the infirmary. After getting his elbow checked out and getting a creatively made arm sling from Ciara, the man left with his unit for training. I didn’t expect a wounded arm would keep someone like John in bed, but his commitment was admirable.

Our conversation ended when we heard shouts coming from the front of the building. I stood up with a frown and walked ahead of Mrs Aya. She followed me closely behind. When we got close enough to see what was happening, it seemed it was only people doing some sort of pep shouts under Johann’s instructions. It seemed their training was coming to an end, or a break.

People were slowly moving inside the building or getting into other tasks. Johann was in the center of a small gathering of ten people. I saw Chen beside him and taking some notes. Mrs Aya quietly excused herself with a nod, which I promptly reciprocated. I decided to wait for Chen. It was time I stopped making excuses and talked to him already.