It’s amazing how emptying your mind, or attempting to do so, can allow you to reach a certain level of clarity. I had read once somewhere, can’t bother to remember the source, that there is a second and deeper layer of our conscience that is always active and trying to figure out our dilemmas and problems. Honestly, I’d been skeptical about it, but sometimes you are just doing something unrelated when suddenly you have this idea, or solution, to something you were worried about the day before or hours ago. At those moments, I’d wondered if it’s not the work of some deeper part of our subconscious.

‘What do I want?’

This time it wasn’t exactly an idea or a solution, but the realization of why I had been feeling off. After being thrown in this impossible situation, I started to feel torn between my, maybe, unique perspective of it all. Sure, this place is awful. We are trapped in some sort of arena for whatever reason, and the only outside information we have so far comes from some horror-born creature that hasn’t bestowed its presence on us since the first day. Not that I wanted it to, but if it came with more answers, maybe it would be worth it.

Despite all the neck deep shit we have found ourselves in, I have actually been enjoying some parts of it. The adrenaline, the fights, the newfound power, my importance in the group and the attention I have been getting. I like it. I enjoy it. And most of all, I feel like I thrive on it. And this has been making me feel guilty, awful even. Am I allowed to enjoy myself when everyone else is suffering and going through so much pain? Mrs Aya lost her husband, Gabriela is pregnant in an environment that is anything but safe, Ciara has been dealing with people dying under her care on a daily basis, and others whose problems I haven’t even cared to learn about.

Among all of this, am I allowed to enjoy myself? Am I wrong for looking forward to the next wave and the challenges it will present? Even when I know that some of the people in the group might get seriously injured or die? I don’t know. Part of me wants to take the easy way out of, yes, I can. Fuck the others, I owe them nothing, especially after what happened and I almost died. But this is a dark road, and I must question if I really want to follow that path? There are people here whom I have grown fond of, and I know it hasn’t been easy for them. They’re the only reason I have remained in the group, really. If I say fuck the others, am I saying fuck off for them as well? Will I ultimately become uncaring and undisturbed by their plight?

Maybe the answer is balance. Somewhere in between these two extremes there is a balance that I must strive for. While I shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying myself, I must also empathize with the suffering of others. Easier said than done, but that is probably the best way to approach this. At the very least, it’s the best I can do right now. I must allow myself to enjoy it, or I will soon be hating who I am.

The rest of the day had nothing special. The girl, Francesca, mostly slept and rested. No one had the guts to push her for more answers, especially under the protective wings of some of the ladies in the group. I attempted to feel magic once more before I finally rested for the day, but I still couldn’t grasp it.

The next morning came and soon I found myself munching a protein bar in front of Noah in our private alleyway. I didn’t wake up in the best of moods, having worried about what we would do about Francesca’s situation. We might be on a collision course with a different group, and we knew very little. She still refused to speak much, Ciara advising for patience despite Johann’s insistence. Differently than me, Noah seemed in a good mood, or was pushing himself to be for my sake. He was cracking jokes left and right, and telling some of his more comedic experiences in the jungle. I must say, he was a great storyteller, getting a few chuckles out of me despite my indisposition.

“You boys seem to be having a good time!” Sarah called from the other side of the alleyway. We waved back at her and Ani.

“Good morning.” Ani spoke when they got close.

“Morning.”

“Morning missus.”

“Leo, can we speak with Johann and the other leaders?”

“Sure. They are still inside, do you want to move in now?” Ani nodded at my question.

Ani and I walked ahead and Noah deftly found himself beside Sarah behind us. Before we were even halfway through the building I could hear the woman chuckle behind me.

“Did you sleep well?” I asked Ani.

“Hm?”

“Your night. Was it good?”

“Oh. Yes, yes. It was. Thanks for asking. How about you?”

“Good too.”

An awkward silence fell between us, but our trip was a short one, and it didn’t have time to linger. Johann was addressing a small group of people, while Will had his gathering closer to the people guarding the supplies. When Johann saw us moving towards him, he took a step forward to meet us. I told him Ani needed to speak with him and the other leaders, to which he called Will while we moved to a more empty space of the ground floor. Will approached us with a scowl, but didn’t say anything. Ani didn’t waste time and addressed us as soon as he arrived.

“This next wave will be different. It won’t be a flood of creatures as it has been before, but a few very powerful creatures. Our tactics will need to adapt.”

“How do you know that?” Will interjected.

“She has a special ability that allows her to know things that will come to pass. Did I understand it correctly?” Johann spoke.

“Yes, you are correct, Mr Johann.”

“Hmpfh.” Will scoffed. “What the hell are you guys on? Do you really expect me to believe in this?”

“John did. She warned us about the creatures from the last wave, I have no reason to doubt her.” Johann calmly explained to which Will clicked his tongue but said nothing else. “What do you suggest, Anichka?”

“The creatures who will come are something akin to bears. Powerful, heavy, but slow. Slower than real bears. I believe Leo and Sarah should be in charge of distracting the creatures, while the rest of us will look for openings to hurt them. People should give preference to weapons with a longer reach, those will be the safest.”

“Hmm. That doesn’t sound bad, but we have three access roads, and only two of them.”

“The creatures won’t come from the middle road. It’s too narrow for them.”

“How big are these creatures?” I asked.

“Considerably.” Ani answered.

‘Well, that doesn’t add anything.’ I thought, but kept to myself. I am sure there are limits to her ability to understand what she sees in her divination.

“How many of them can we expect?” Noah asked.

“Four, maybe five.”

“That is… a surprisingly low number.” Noah commented. 

I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to the point rewards with so few creatures.

“Leo? Sarah? Are you two ok with it?” Johann crossed his arms and asked the both of us.

“I am.” I answered while Sarah only nodded.

“Alright. So Leo will stay with me and my squad in the eastern entrance, while Sarah will go with Will’s in the western entrance. Is that acceptable, Will?”

“Her help will be welcomed, but I will decide the plan of action with my squad and adapt to the situation accordingly.”

“Will, you-” 

“It’s alright. He heard it, now he needs to see it.” Sarah interrupted Johann before he could finish.

That ended the conversation and Will went back to his previous gathering, more people present in the place he had come from. Sarah hung back for a few minutes longer and we discussed a few worst case scenarios, but there wasn’t much more we could come up with. If either of us was overwhelmed, it’s not like the other could provide much assistance until the other side was cleared. 

Ani would provide support for Sarah and Noah would stick with me. This time I think his bow and arrow would have more of an impact. Noah informed me he managed to get one point in Dex during his training yesterday. How much of a difference would it make remained to be seen, but it wouldn’t make him worse, that was obvious.

We took our positions at the eastern barricade. I stood two steps in front of everyone, who in turn formed a semi circle behind me. Noah stood on top of a wooden desk that was brought from the inside. The man was still the only one with a ranged weapon. The, now familiar, red beam came and with it the overwhelming sensation of the wave. Only this time it didn’t feel like the last, only a mild discomfort in my body. I could see from the corner of my eye as most of the people flinched, dropped their shoulders or even knelt under the increased mana. 

It soon passed, as it had every single time. A distant roar followed. It was deep and rumbled like thunder. Someone to my right took a step back, but was pulled back to his position by another person beside him. Good, I thought. If I am going to risk my skin in front of all of you, again, don’t you dare fucking flinch. This time it would be different, I wouldn’t put myself under some heroic misconception to save everyone of these cunts. I would do my best to help Noah, if he found himself in a pinch. But any other of these fuckers? They better be fucking ready. Johann included.

It didn’t take long for us to hear the first of the creatures breathing. It sounded like a warhorse charging, the kind you only hear in the movies. As it came closer I started seeing its reddish brown fur in the distance. It came surprisingly fast for a supposedly slow creature. I stood a healthy distance from the barrier, but when I saw it didn’t slow down at all as it approached the barricade, I took a couple steps back. The line retreated with me.

The barricade might as well have been stacked cardboard. The creatures crashed against it and sent chunks of it flying. I had to crouch and dodge a piece of furniture that was going straight towards my face. I took notice of the creature, it roared and stood on its hind legs a meter in front of the barrier. At least the thing had stopped after destroying the barricade.

Two large black beady eyes. A large nose that blew so much air it was basically the exhaust of a steam engine. The mouth… There was no mouth. At least no mouth where a mouth was supposed to be. The mouth was on its abdomen. Dark as the night and with serrated teeth, the thing defied all common sense of anatomy. The fur moved as if a strong wind constantly assaulted the creature. When I looked closer, it wasn’t the fur that was moving, but the skin itself. It was more evident around the mouth, as if a million worms were crawling under it. As if it was a sack of fleshy worms constantly moving.

“Holy shit this thing is disgusting.” I said to myself more than anything.