A horrible shrieking noise echoed throughout the floor, coming from the hall. Ted reacted appropriately. He shut the apartment door and locked it.

He wasn't a fighter, and a yell like that signalled something nasty was coming. Ergo, the smart action was to barricade himself away and wait until it lost interest, which, going by the red box, would last about five minutes.

Of course, Ted was under no illusion that the door would stop anything. A normal ghoul, maybe, but anything like the coke-zombie would plow right through it. He began to go for the apartments furniture to further improve the barricade before a horrible thought occured to him:

What if it didn't go for Ted? The officeman grimaced. Oh dear. He couldn't leave Tortoise undefended if there existed any chance the floor boss went for him instead of Ted. Sighing, Ted began to quickly formulate a plan. He'd grabbed one of the alcohol bottles from his backpack. 150 proof. Perfect.

Opening the door, Ted quickly stepped back to the center of the apartment. Pulling from his pocket one of the scavenged lighters, he quickly leaned down to the steryoplayer and turned it on, setting his backpack down as well.

"OH LETS GO!

STEVE WALKS WARILY DOWN THE STREET

WITH HIS BRIM PULLED WAY DOWN LOW."

From the speakers emerged the catchy beat that was Queens "Another One Bites The Dust." And with that, Ted cemented his status as bait.

The screaching noise rapidly began closing on Ted, and he prepared for the fight of his life, flicking his lighter on. Then, in the doorway, rushed the unmistakable figure of Teds landlady, Mrs. Vogel. Briefly the ghoul of his former apartment stared at Ted, tilting her head, before baring her teeth in a horrible snarl, revealing her rotting teeth and blackened gums.

"AIN'T NO SOUND BUT THE SOUND OF HIS FEET

MACHINE GUNS READY TO GO!"

Mrs. Vogel let out a shriek of rage, her black eyes filled with rage. Rushing forward, the undead octogenarian attempted to tackle Ted.

"Are you ready, hey, are you ready for this?

Are you hanging by the edge of your seat?"

Ted was prepared, however. The moment she got in range, he swung the bottle, shattering it on her skull and breaking her stride while dousing her in alcohol. Mrs. Vogels eyes bulged in hateful surprise as she was knocked to the side. Ted followed up by tossing the lit lighter on her, watching with small satisfaction as the person who owned his home was engulfed in flames, shrieking in agony as her skin burned. His satisfaction was short lived, however, as she followed up by running at him again, attempting to wrap the officeworker in a big, fiery hug.

"Out of the doorway the bullets rip,

to the sound of the beat!"

Ted responded by drawing his gun and firing it once, twice, three times, each shot hitting his landlady in the chest, causing black burning ichor to emerge from the hole as she was again knocked back. By this point, her skin was visibly blackening.

"Another one bites the dust!

Another one bites the dust!

And another one gone, and another one gone, and another one bites the dust!"

Pressing his advantage, Ted moved forward, quickly snatching his pan.

"Hey I'm gonna get you too,

Another one bites the dust!"

THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. Three quick strikes in rapid succession. By this point, Mrs. Vogels skin was becoming charcole, and Ted wondered just how much she could take. He went for a third strike...

"How do you think I'm gonna get along,

without you while you're gone? You took from me, everything that I had,

and kicked me out on my own!"

Only for the burning zombie to grab his hand, stopping his swing, and head butting him, dazing Ted, who staggered backwards. Mrs. Vogel pressed her advantage tackling Ted, knocking him to the floor, attempting to rip his throat out. Reacting instinctively, Ted held her chomping mouth away with his hand, noting the temperature was rapidly increasing.

"Are you happy, are you satisfied?

How long can you stand the heat?"

Struggling, Ted slammed the pan into her head again and again. Unlike the rager, however, his landlady was made of sterner stuff, remaining unstaggered where the cokehead would have at least been stunned. The smell of burning carpet began to tickle Teds nose as he realized to his panic his armor had caught fire. Right, pan wasn't working. He tossed it away.

"Out of the doorway the bullets rip,

to the sound of the beat."

Ted grabbed the gun again, aimed it, and fired it, once, twice, thrice, BANG BANG BANG. This time, he wasn't aiming for Mrs. Vogels chest. This seemed to do the trick, as Ted's landlady was finally stunned, being knocked back. Scrambling up, Ted quickly fired again and again and again, until all that came from his gun was a clicking noise. He threw the gun, aiming it at Mrs. Vogels face, as he raced to the bathroom. His goal? Douse himself in the apartments nice, watery bath-tub before the fire spreading on his carpet roasTED him.

"Another one bites the dust!

Another one bites the dust!

And another one gone, and another one gone, and another one bites the dust!"

Jumping in, Ted immediately went from VERY warm to very cold. Another shriek. Ted marveled at the fact that somehow, Mrs. Vogel wasn't dead yet. Quickly, he stepped out of the tub, before realizing to his dismay that he left all his weapons in the living room.

"Hey, I'm gonna get you too,

another one bites the dust!"

Again, she rushed towards him. Ted noted that finally the whole 'being on fire thing' seemed to be effecting her, as he movements were more stiff, jerky, and slower. Right. He had no weapons, so he had to use an alternative tactic.

Before she could rush him, Ted rushed HER, slamming into the zombie and knocking her to the floor.

"Hey! Oh take it,

Bite the dust, Bite the dust,

Hey, another one bites the dust!"

He slammed his head into hers, headbutting her, causing a sizzling noise as the water that dripped on him turned to steam on contact with her. It physically hurt Ted to hold Mrs. Vogel down like this, but he needed to give the fire time to do its work.

"Another one bites the dust, ow!

Another one bites the dust, hey hey!"

Ow was right. Ted grimaced as blisters appeared on his hand. He sincerely wished Mrs. Vogel would stop struggling. After this, he'd definitely have to apply burn creme. Mrs. Vogel, to her credit, continued chomping, her jaw making a crunching noise as she moved it.

"Oh shooter, theres plenty of ways you can hurt a man,

and bring him to the ground!"

At this point, the pain became too much, and Ted scrambled off Mrs. Vogel, hissing at the sensation of his skin blistering as he rapidly retreated to the living room. Carefully watching, he noted Mrs. Vogel seemed to be almost finished. She slowly rised, her limbs cracking, her body almost skeletal from charring. Ted picked up a spear and walked over to the slowly shambling thing that used to be his landlord.

"You can beat him, you can cheat him,

You can treat him bad and leave him when he's down!"

"Mrs. Vogel. Y'know, honestly speaking? Never liked you. You were, frankly, always incredibly unpleasant." Ted said, almost conversationally to the reaching corpse. "But, ultimately, as much as I didn't like you, you didn't deserve this. If anything of you is left inside that burnt shell..."

He jabbed the spear into her face, grunting at the pain of wrapping his hands around said spear.

"...I'm sorry."

With that, Mrs. Vogel fell, finally growing still. "And thus, another one bites the dust," Ted said, suddenly feeling very, very tired.

"But yes, I'm ready for you,

Standing on my own two feet!"

Floor boss defeated! Enemy information unlocked! 70 XP gained!

End of Chapter 1.5