Nadeen was less than impressed with our little carriage. One side was covered in the dried blood of the man who’d once owned it, and while the wheels still turned, there was a not insignificant amount of damage to the more decorative aspects of the vehicle. The inside of the carriage was a mess. Where two upholstered seats once sat facing each other, huge rents were torn in them, leaving very little comfortable sitting space. The tears didn’t look as though they were made by somethings claws, and the damage looked limited to scratches where it met the wood, so it was either a very weak monster, or a man with a weapon.

Or woman. I’m sure highway robbery is a very equal opportunity business.

Thing Two stood holding the harnesses coiled about his grotesquely large fists, occasionally stepping left and then right as he waited for us to get on with it.

In was standing just outside the carriage, pointing at the open door and swinging my other arm in the air wildly.

“I am not riding in a stolen carriage!” she said, halfway between a whine and an angry rebuttal. She was standing her customary eight feet away, and I was beginning to think her reluctance to ride in the vehicle was less to do with its stolen status, and more to do with how close it would put her to me.

I gurgled a cranky rebuttal at her, stomping my foot in the ground. It was probably good her sickly status was making her less appetizing to me the longer it lasted, because I was rapidly running out of patience. I was tired. I was scared. I was desperately trying to get somewhere that I could spend some time thinking without imminent fucking death lurking over my shoulder. I was fucking hungry which was basically just a constant state of being for me. And this woman wouldn’t get in the god damn carriage.

Calming myself, I eyed her, stoically ignoring all my gesturing. She had to know I wasn’t going to hurt her by now. I’d had more than one opportunity to do so, and obviously hadn’t. She also had to know I was sentient - hell I was basically inventing sign language to communicate with her.

So what the fuck was her problem?

Giving up on forcing her for the moment, I padded up to the carriage. The remnants of a bench on its front stared back at me, denying me the easy solution of just not being in the carriage with her. I could ride on top of the carriage, but that would put me awfully close to the tree branches passing us by over head. And while I didn’t really fear getting smacked by the branches as we traveled, I had a powerful fear of some kind of tree climbing predator snapping me up when I got too close to it. That was easily my biggest problem with this entire shit hole. I was constantly scared of something coming to kill me, but had no fucking idea what something was. So I was stuck being scared of literally everything. If I could get indigestion I’d probably have an ulcer by now, although I doubt my Hydra Tongue would let that stand for very long either.

Why is life so complicated?

Making up my mind, I clawed my way up to the top of the carriage and sat down on it unhappily, hoping that my sheer agitation would cross the language barrier and somehow make Nadeen feel bad enough to apologize and let me into the safe wooden box on wheels I wanted to sit in.

Unfortunately for me, Nadeen was either terrible at reading body language, or was just a stone cold bitch, because seeing me take position a glint lit her eyes. Faster than her stumbling, shaking form should have allowed for, she lunged forward and into the carriage, the heavy wooden door slapping shut behind her. A few seconds later her head poked out the window through the ripped curtains and she stuck her tongue out at me, before disappearing back into its depths.

I almost turned apoplectic for a moment before giving up the ghost. That girl could switch from traumatized to bratty in a heartbeat, and I could never determine which one I was going to end up dealing with. I was beginning to feel like it was always going to be whichever one was the most disadvantageous to me, and I sent a wistful thought to my own younger sister. The brat would always… always…

I paused. I actually couldn’t remember what she always did. It was like, the memory was there, but I couldn’t hold on to it. It was only so much water dripping from the tap, and I simply wasn’t equipped to hold onto it. I could only catch bits and pieces of it while the rest sloshed away.

Thinking about it made me want to cry, but I quickly cut the moment short with a shake of my head. I had found recently that, my being a Thing, pretty much the only biological way my body could express feelings was by getting hungry and drooling. Sad? Eat. Mad? Eat. Bored? Eat.

Stupid piece of junk. No wonder Bastok had such a low opinion of us. Were like fucking lemmings.

Seeing me situated, Thing Two let loose a gratified warble, and then began pulling on the reins. It was slow going at first, but once we had gained some momentum we fairly zoomed along the dirt road. It was so fast in fact, that within a few minutes I’d already been popped into the air by a bump in the road, nearly sending me sprawling off the carriage. Annoyed, I snapped at Thing Two who ignored me entirely, his mouth open and his tongue hanging out like a dog in a car.

‘Bout as smart as one anyway.’ I chuffed, then crawled forward to hook my fingers around the front of the carriage, laying down on my stomach to keep my head low.

At least it was better than walking.

***

I have no idea how this world works. I don’t know if the sun rises in the east. I don’t know if there are twenty four hours in a day here. Hell, I don’t know if black people exist here. I’ve only met a grand total of three other humans and they were all white. I have to ask myself if there are tribes of people across the ocean who worship Brother Wolf, and if Brother Wolf is a real fucking thing. I have to ask myself if they even have fucking oceans.

What I’m saying is, I can’t accurately tell how long we were rumbling along the road when something happened. I was basically just averaging how far the sun had moved against how long I’ve managed to go without something bad happening prior to this. Maybe divide by how hungry I was.

That said.

Four fucking hours. That’s how long I got to pretend getting flung about the roof of the carriage every time there was a god damn rock in the road was ‘relaxing’ and ‘peaceful’. That’s how long we’d been passively bumbling along before two guys in scrappy looking leather armor stepped out onto the road from seemingly nowhere, bows drawn and pointed at the carriage. For a split second I debated having Thing Two run them over so we could have a snack, but then it occurred to me that these people still used bows and arrows, so of course the chance that I was using a legitimate toll road did exist. Inwardly grumbling about never being able to catch a break, I trilled at Thing Two - who promptly stopped.

I would have started to wonder how the hell I was communicating proper ideas using a handful of variations on the two sounds I was capable of making, but frankly when I say Thing Two stopped, I mean he stopped. Went from moving to not on a dime. Unfortunately for the musclebound moron, the carriage still had to follow the laws of physics, and the two guys with bows got treated to the peculiar sight of a man sized Thing being completely run over by a horse carriage. For my part I was flung from the top of the carriage in such a perfect arc I swear you could have used a recording of it for seatbelt safety videos.

I crashed into the ground only a few feet from the archers, who immediately turned their arrows on me. Something I only noticed because the landing twisted my head around backwards, allowing me to both moon the two men, and look at them at the same time. It’s the little things.

The men grunted, but seeing me remain completely still, they must have either assumed I was dead, or unwilling to get back up and fight them.

“Now, this is an interesting sight.” came a smug masculine voice from the treeline, and a well kempt man with a roguish cast and neatly trimmed blond hair sauntered up to the carriage. Again seemingly from nowhere. Seriously, I better get spider senses or something somewhere between now and my next evolution or I’m going to die of a heart attack long before I fall in battle.

Quietly, I could hear Nadeen shifting around in the carriage, no doubt having a hard time leveraging the door open with only a single hand. Quirking a brow in question, the blond guy waited until the door finally popped open with the crack of wood and Nadeen stepped out, the combination of red anger and sickly pale skin making her look like a cartoon character whose head was about to explode. Despite her obvious anger though, she stepped out of the carriage like she owned the place, managing to only shake slightly as she alighted on the ground in front of Blondy.

“Who the hell are you?” she quipped imperiously, gesturing with her palm towards me and crooking a finger in a come hither gesture that I found highly offensive. I’m not a dog for gods sake. Still, she was a thirteen year old in a forest surrounded by adult men. I’m a monster but I’m not a monster.

Gurgling as I uncoiled my spine and stood up with my head on straight, I trotted over to Nadeen, taking up a position behind her and to the right of the Blond guy. Her shoulders tensed, and I knew having me this close must be bugging her, but she quickly hid the gesture in an exaggerated stretch that I couldn’t help but notice Blondy take in appreciably.

I immediately decided I hated him, and decided to snap my jaws once at him, just because. His eyebrows shot up in surprise and he turned a more analytical gaze on Nadeen.

“I… My compatriots call me Erwin. We noticed your carriage charging up the road and wanted to ensure the safety of it’s riders.” Erwin’s eyes flicked from me to the carriage, and I tried to show my teeth without opening my mouth. I didn’t really have lips in the traditional sense, so instead I more or less just started shaking like a chihuahua.

“My…” Nadeen paused, clearly trying to find a word that wasn’t ‘Master’ or ‘Guide’.

“...partner, and I ran into some trouble with a Tomb Adder a few days ago. He didn’t make it, and I’ve had my Bound helping me back to the nearest town.” She punctuated her statement by turning to face the carriage, hiding her panicked and desperate facial expression from Erwin. I saw where she was going with this. It was an easy lie to tell after all. We were monsters, but we hadn’t eaten her yet. One of us was pulling ‘her’ carriage, and she had clearly commanded me a few moments ago. Chances are, her status as some kind of pokemon trainer was probably the only thing keeping these guys from doing… something they’d regret.

I forced myself not to look at the clearly ogling archers in the distance, and gave Nadeen a slight nod. I really hope Thing Two is alive under there. I know I can take a single douche with a sword, but the arrows might be problem. I doubted my Hydra Tongue could reach them from here. Actually, I doubted my Hydra Tongue would defend me at all, the devilish thing far more likely to eat the nearest source of food.

“I see. Well, if you would like Lady Binder, our camp isn’t far from here. Perhaps you would like the chance to rest by a fire? My compatriots may not be able to cook well enough to satisfy one of your - “ Erwin glanced at the broken, high class carriage and back to Nadeen.

“Esteemed tastes. But I stew must be a damn sight better than the trail rations you’ve no doubt been eating.” Erwin watched Nadeen intently as he spoke, his eyes predatory as they looked her up and down. I had no idea if this was normal here, but even setting aside her age, she was clearly missing an arm and more or less dead on her feet. There was no way Nadeen would -

“I accept your gracious invitation.” Nadeen said, stopping me dead. What I found weird about the entire conversation was that Nadeen didn’t normally speak like this. Sure it’d only been a couple days, but in my experience she typically spoke in single blunt sentences unless she was very, very mad. This ‘gracious invitation’ crap was completely out of character for her.

Grinding my teeth together I sent Nadeen a pleading look, and she shook her head at me slightly before turning back to Erwin.

“If your men could assist me in freeing my Beast of Burden?” she said, gesturing back at the carriage where Thing Two had yet to so much as twitch. I noticed Nadeen had said Beast of Burden as though it were a classification and not just a fancy way of saying horse. I guess Thing Two’s official classification was a Beast of Burden, which… would honestly explain so much. He was huge, stupid, and oddly agreeable for a monster. They must be fairly common in some places to have a name like that. It also explained why Nadeen was so much more comfortable near Thing Two than me - the too large Gremlin.

I pondered the strangeness of going to sleep and waking up a different species. If it wasn’t so mind numbingly stupid it’d be pretty cool.

Erwin distracted me from my musings by snapping his fingers in the air and gesturing like an army commando. Like flies, a swarm of armed men in tattered leather armor walked out of the treeline, where I seriously didn’t fucking see them? As one they began lashing ropes to the carriage, several of them pulling on it from one side while those without ropes pushed. With almost choreographed precision, they yanked the heavy carriage off of Thing Two, who shook his head once then opened his maw wide to ward away the men surrounding it.

Seeing a problem in the making I snapped my jaws once and trilled for him to come stand with me. Still wary, Thing Two looked angrily between me and the surrounding men, then, using his two massive fists, he launched himself into the air.

The sound of rasping steel and bows going taut rang out in the clearing, and Thing Two slammed into the dirt next to me with his arms up and his maw gaping still. But he didn’t attack anyone. For now.

Erwin, who had been smirking at Nadeen when she’d realized how outnumbered we were, stared agape at Thing Two for a few moments before regaining his calm.

“I thought Beasts of Burden didn’t develop combat mutations?” he asked, trying to mask his caution with polite curiosity. It was Nadeen’s turn to smirk now, and she pointedly turned her gaze on me before she spoke.

“They don’t. But mine are… a bit special.”

I flipped Erwin the bird just to help her make her point. Preach it sister.