After Long Di stopped making a bunch of green smog swirl around him, I tried really fucking hard to ‘sense’ that Qi stuff. I mean, it was basically just mana, right? I’ve played enough video games and read enough manga to figure out that all that martial arts bullshit is pretty much magic. Unfortunately, my bladder didn’t seem to care about cultivation. “I have to piss.”

“Fine, just hurry up! Go over there, I don’t wanna see yer tiny prick!” I walked towards that huge weeping willow tree that he pointed at and pulled my little dick out. Well, I was nine, so what do you expect?

Anyway, as I was urinating for the first time in that world, I started wondering “What do I really want? What do I desire more than anything else? Why do I want power? What will I do once I have power? Why the fuck did I turn into a giant snake after I died? Is it because of my name?” I unconsciously muttered “Leviathan,” while staring at my crystal-clear stream that was wiggling back and forth. I’ve always liked water, but I wasn’t sure if I really connected with it on a spiritual level. Ares could be associated with fire… I couldn’t help cursing “Why the hell do I need to just pick one thing?”

“Ya ain’t gotta stick with one Element forever, ya know? There’s lots uh cultivation methods that focus on a single Element, but there are some that need a bunch uh different ones at the same time.” Even though he was that old bastard was at least a hundred meters away, it felt like he was whispering directly into my left ear.

It creeped me out so much that I quickly turned around and yelled “Stop that!” Fortunately, I had already finished pissing and put my junk away. When I walked back over to the center of the backyard, he was standing there with his arms crossed in front of his chest. His weird tree-man spell had worn off, so he was wrinkly and gross again.

“There are all sorts uh Daos out there, but they got their own levels. Cultivation Methods are based off of Daos, so they’re all ranked too. Ya won’t find anything better than Celestial shit on Genesis, though almost all the stuff ya can actually get yer hands on are based on Worldly Daos. My Cultivation Method is the ‘Ironbark Sutra’. I know ain’t that great, but it’s all I could afford back when I was still tryin ta reach the Master Stage. Now, I ain’t rich… Still, if yer gonna be my disciple, I need ta at least give ya some decent stuff. First though, ya gotta pick an Element ta focus on.”

While Long Di was talking, I was thinking to myself “That mysterious exhibitionist said she gave me a Cultivation Method based on the Eternal Dao of Eros, but I can’t really remember her actually handing me anything. Did she encode it into my DNA, or maybe it’s subconsciously implanted into my brain? Well, regardless, the question is what do I desire? Sex, putting my penis inside of vaginas, anuses, mouths, tentacles… Oh, tentacles! Demons… Chaos? Ah, but plants can have tendrils and they’re kinda similar? Nature or Chaos… I was a giant green snake, so I might be more prone towards Nature. Hmmm~...”

Finally, I had to ask “Hey, can I pick both Nature and Chaos at the same time? Also, what do you know about the Eternal Dao of Eros?”

He frowned, glaring at me with those neon-orange eyes. After he quietly murmured to himself for a few seconds, he hesitantly answered “They’re usually mutually exclusive, but I’ve seen some people ‘try’ ta mix em before. It never worked out too well for anyone involved… As for the Eternal Dao of Eros, it ain’t some kinda secret. It’s the ‘Path to Desire’... Lots uh Worldly Cultivation Methods have Eros as their root. Whether people want money, power, fame, fortune, love, revenge… It all stems from Desire. There’s a Dao fer just about anything ya can think of.”

Suddenly, my vision became blurry and I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head. I immediately gazed up at the sky and saw a huge, red moon, floating directly above me. It was a lot different than the ‘Luna’ that I was used to… There were blue oceans and crimson continents, while I could even see pink clouds floating around in its atmosphere. Then I heard a deep, feminine voice whispering “Power is like love… It can be shared, given and stolen. Mana is all around you… In every breath you take, in everything you eat and whatever waste your body produces. I am sending you to a universe that is under my control… Whether you thrive there or suffer immensely, will greatly depend on your ability to grow quickly. Both Nature and Chaos are merely two sides of the same coin… Without one, the other cannot exist. They were each created from Light and Darkness… When they merge together, Earth, Wind, Fire and Water are formed. Desire is the key which unlocks the path to ultimate power. If you cannot continue to stay on that path, then you will fall into corruption and everything you have worked for… will belong to me.”

After remembering what that mysterious woman told me before my new body was created, I could finally ‘sense’ the so-called Qi that was all over the fucking place. Of course, it was all barely noticeable compared to that old bastard’s glowing-green aura.

“Now this is the most important thing ya gotta remember, Brat… When yer suckin in all that Qi, ya gotta pace yourself! I don’t wanna have ta clean up a bunch uh yer bloody bits off my lawn!” Yeah, so the reason why people can’t just suck up shitloads of mana is because they’ll literally explode into tiny meaty chunks. Well, I guess it probably depends on what Element you were focusing on though… You might just turn into a tree or something like that, but either way, you would be dead.

“Yeah yeah~, don’t worry, I won’t blow myself up on your property… Oh, I’m gonna do that whole Nature thing by the way…” Since my ‘Cultivation Method’ seemed to involve taking every single Element possible and smashing them together, I decided to stop worrying about it and just pick Nature. If I was going to be learning from the old Dickbag, then I figured that he would have an easier time teaching me how to bitch-slap people with grass, or whatever.

He had a creepy grin on his face and I was actually a little amazed that he still had teeth at his age. Not only that, but they were also white and really straight… It kinda made me want to punch him in the mouth a few times. Well, it was just another incentive to get stronger.

Long Di took a deep breath, which lasted nearly ten seconds, then held it in for an entire minute. He also took up a stance with his legs a few feet apart and his palms were facing upwards, while his wrists were pressing against his lower-ribs. When he released the air, it was a lot dimmer than before. There were also some weird hand signs that made me think he was about to cast some kind of ninjutsu spell, but nothing seemed to happen.

Finally, he opened his eyes and told me “That’s just a simple breathing technique… Now some folks like ta be sittin down and others prefer doing physical exercise, but it don’t make no difference to me. The important thing is what yer doin on the inside… It’s best if ya suck in the Element ya wanna absorb directly, so ya don’t gotta go through the trouble uh creating it outta other kinds uh Qi. Once ya breathe it into yer lungs, hold it there and imagine that green shit flowin through yer veins. Then focus it all into yer Dantian… It’s the place between yer navel and yer spine. Don’t go askin me why, cause I wasn’t the one who decided how things work!”

I copied what he did, aside from the weird hand-signals, but it wasn’t nearly as easy as it looked. Especially since the entire time I was trying to concentrate, he kept yammering on about random things that I didn’t care about.

Why didn’t he need to use fences to keep his animals from wandering off? Apparently, he planted a special kind of grass near the edges of his property. Any Beasts below Rank-F wouldn’t be able to cross it. Like, they would get whipped or something if they tried, so they usually stay the fuck away.

How big is his farm? Well, he apparently owned about a thousand acres, but most of it was just woods and a lake. His cornfields only took up about a tenth of the total land and nearly all of that was just food for the livestock.

Another fun fact: He was a vegan and a ‘pacifist’. The old bastard had been living alone with nothing but his animals for company for nearly two centuries. He didn’t even kill those cows, chickens and pigs for food. They were all pets that he raised, because he was lonely. Well, he did drink milk and eat unfertilized eggs sometimes though.

Does he have any powerful Beast companions? One of his chickens was a hundred years old, three meters tall and once ate a whole pack of Rank-F Direwolves that snuck onto his property. Supposedly, there was even a giant toad that lived in his lake and was a Rank-D Beast that he raised from a tadpole.

“Okay, shut up for a second and tell me what to do next! There’s a bunch of gas in my gut and it kinda feels like I’m about to shit myself if I suck in anymore of it!” Honestly, if he hadn’t specifically explained what it would be like, I probably would have just thought I needed to go to the bathroom.

“Alright Brat, settle down, don’t get so worked up! Ya gotta have patience and endure that crappy feelin in yer gut! Now’s when ya gotta try and condense it… Just don’t go too far, ya know what’ll happen.” It was kind of like trying to do sit-ups when you’re about to have explosive diarrhea… Not exactly the best sensation and if I didn’t know what was going on, I definitely would have sprinted to the toilet already.