(Zhenya Pov)

“So, who’s getting it?” I ask for no reason in particular... Eyeing the deep brown armor staining lake of mud.

“Welp, that’s on you guys. Su is super agile, and we’re just plum tuckered out after fighting through that hoard of vicious monsters.” Nick, a tease in his tone, wheezed an exaggerated sigh leaning back.

“How shameless!” I reel back with a hand on my chest in mock offense. “What was that about your Ma teaching you how to treat a lady?” I bit back playfully. “And sides, we just beat the alpha mimic one floor up. So excuses, excuses, we got you beat at that game. Or are you not man enough?”

Under our back and forth, our tanks solemnly discussed recent events while Su patiently waited. Comforting the frantic princess, who was unaware of the friendly part of our banter. Though this didn’t last long as Tsukiko chipped in. “Oh, we can make this a competition!”

Catching the two of us off guard. “We’ll run into a whole buncha goodies. So how bout whoever ends up with the most keys gets the lion’s share?” Damn, flighty she is, but girl’s got a good head on her shoulders. Grinning ear to ear, we answered.

Running up to Freddie, I call for an S.J immediately hopping on and off her shield as she tensed her muscles, propelling me forward. And that’s when the room’s guards got involved. A key like that? Just hanging there? Course there’d be a catch.

A swarm of those mini pain-in-the-ass shapeshifters rode out of the swamp. And were instantly shot down by Su’s machetes and Tsukiko’s magic. Opening just enough of a gap for me to sail through, all I had to do was grab the key and land the jump on the other side. But competition’s a bitch.

Almost within my grasp, the whisper of an arrow severed what could have been. Dropping the key into Belle’s waiting hands, skidding across the pond on Anotina’s shield. The blond commander tossing the combo with strength and finesse, rivalling even that of Freddie’s.

Hooking her axe into the floor, she came to a scathing halt, waving mission accomplished. “Looks like we’re up by one.” Nick gloated with a toothy grin watching the tomboy jog back.

Unfortunately, that shitty grin wouldn't last. Ending to the beat of everything going horribly wrong. Just as the axe-wielding girl returned with the key, a massive lumbering mud behemoth sprouted from the pool.

... Like a familiar tune, straight-faced, to the point, and without pause, we booked it! Freddie screaming up a storm that a chem-lemental shouldn’t exist within this dungeon.

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“Hey, you guys ever think a dungeon just hates you? And goes, ‘screw this group specifically?’” Out of breath, another hoard outran, another room busted into. At this point, we can give most professional runners a run for their Gp, heh.

After due process, roll call, and item check, we started inspecting the new room.

A large open concept professional kitchen stocked with the usual cooking implements. Fully furnished wall to ceiling in easy to clean white tiles. The upper strip, being dedicated to ceramic tile art. Adding a sorely needed splash of color.

Past the large serving window was a grand hall. Furnished in some of the most ostentatious things I’ve ever seen. Velvet chairs, pelt carpets, walnut tables, all wrapped between creamy walls adorned with bourgeois architecture and paintings.

Walking past rows of conspicuously clean cook-tops in search of a key. Our answer came in the form of a forearm’s length bug person situated in the far back at the grandest dining table.

“Hi, Alby!” Tsukiko cheerfully waved, catching us off guard. Even Belle was at a loss.

“Tsuki, my love. Pain in my heart of hearts, my deplorable boss has sent me to impose upon you a task.” Posing flamboyantly on a key that he materialized out of thin air. “You shall c-”

“Okay. Hold up. First of all, Tsukiko, how do you know this... guy? Secondly, why is a dungeon creation flirting with you?!” Brain hurts. Need answers.

“Oya?....” The girl looked off into the distance... and never came back.

“Tsukiko. Tell. Us. Now.” Carrying the voice of kings, Antonia had the absent girl’s head in an iron grip. Nick, just as curious, let nature take its course with a thousand-yard stare. Apparently, this was a common occurrence in their group.

Eventually, Antonia squeezed hard enough that the shrine maiden spilt the beans.

The story went a little like this. One day, Tsukiko wandered off from her bodyguards, finding herself deep within dangerous grounds. Or, as Freddie and I like to call it, no-mans land. Ehhhh, never again, I can still hear the Voices mocking me on those sleepless nights.

There she encountered Alby and his people, which was later revealed to be the true form of the Voices. But unlike us, who fell under their spell before we even knew what hit us, they were more lenient with Tsukiko.

Pulling physical pranks instead of the mind horror we had to go through. Opting to plonk her on the head with nuts amongst other mischievous schemes. But the young shrine maiden’s pure heart (her words, not mine) led her to not only laugh with them but turn the table and prank them back.

It was good times all around, leading to them forming a bond.

Both Antonia and Nick let out stress-filled sighs. So far, the story checks out. If anyone could make friends with dungeon creatures, let alone ones as finicky as these tree-bound tricksters, it would be Tsukiko.

Well, fast forward a few days, and she proselyted them on the powers of love... Yeah, that was all we needed to hear. She got herself into this. She can get herself out.

“Moving on. What was this challenge you were talking about?” And he’s not even paying attention. “Hey!” *Clap!* “Eyes off the prize, you got work to do.” Seriously how did Tsukiko woo him this hard!?

Getting back into rhythm. Alby straightened his ornate red gold-lined brigandine. “Ahem. Your task is to cook us food. Hold on.” With a snap, the lamps adorning the walls and pillars grew dim. Casting a yellowish hue on the once admittedly bland dining room.

With the situation suitably weighted, the insect king nodded, satisfied. “You will cook ‘US’ food.” He stated once again with gravitas. Throwing emphasis on the word ‘us’. We heard the first time, but by now, simply expected stuff like this, not that it broke his stride much.

With a hand wave, two imposing figures appeared from the encircling shadows. Send shivers down our spines, both from the thunder of their steps and from the strength they bore.

One-eye, the dokkaebi, and Big Bad Wolf. “H-Hello.” A wolfish grin, the floor-boss greeted with a shivering phrase, mimicked from one of his victims.

Now getting the appropriate reaction out of us, Alby continued. “Your cooking shall be judged by us three, succeed, and will you receive what you yearn. But Fail.” That grin of his morphed into a sneer. “And face our combined might... Normally. Instead, if Tsuki agrees to be wed-”

“Nope, we’ll just take fighting to the death.” Tsukiko cut him off without hesitation. “Although, if you want a twist. How bout you allow us to split into two teams? We have a bet going.” I tacked on. While Alby stood dejected by his beloved's instant rejection, the other two judges agreed after some space staring.

At least they don’t seem to hold a grudge, with the whole us killing them thing.

With things back on track, we barrelled into the kitchen. That being Freddie, Su, and I, finding it loaded with food and heat stones for our use. Tsukiko sat this one out to even the odds, opting to chill with the judges much to their, especially Alberich’s, as we learned his full name, pleasure.

I don’t blame them. Probably don’t get out much and are in dire need of a new opinion.

Anyways, with Tsukiko out, it was a three-on-three cook-off. The menu would have to be simple, considering most of the available meats were preserved. Ooo, there’s jam here too.

Minutes ticked by as we got to cooking, having agreed on a limit of one hour. Su and I weren’t exactly cooking up gourmet meals. Since we only had home cook experiences while Freddie was simply atrocious. Anything she touched turned into what we dubbed ‘mystery collapse F’. Fore in her vice-like grasp, all food compressed into its most primal form!

This explains why she avoided kitchen duty like the plague.

Ahem, It was a two-on-one cook-off. Antonia, proving Freddie’s equal and Belle thinking axe! Is the solution to everything.

Still, Nick is cooking up a storm over there, and the things he’s pumping out aren’t looking half bad. Scratch that. They look Appetizing!

And to top it all off, it’s up to me to pick the menu. Su only knows Islander cuisine, and guess what ingredients have a zero percent chance of making it inside the dungeon...

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Soon the judge’s hourglass dropped it's last grain of sand. The table where the judges resided looked more crowded than ever, with three familiar additions. Who shall not be named for reasons.

Nick was up first, presenting a three-course meal comprised of various greens, persevered fruits, and jams.

“Spectacular!” Ol’ One-eye shouted, eating his portion in dainty bites, savoring the taste. Crunchy, sweet, refreshing, a perfect salad mix opener. The next was a jam-marinated steak followed by a cocktail mix of preserved fruits and a pint of something that he had available.

This got high marks from One-eye but only a good score from the Big Bad Wolf. Citing the food as being too refreshing for his stomach... Geez! I don’t know why he would hate a cold feeling in his stomach? No clue whatsoever.

Alberich was alone in giving him a dismal score, much to the boy’s surprise. “Zero, love. Where’s the twist? Where’s the burning passion!? Everything is one-note and refreshing. If this was a romance-heavy light novel, it’d only get one volume. Why? Cause nothing happens! Who wants to read about a perfect relationship with no intrigue, without some spice. This ain’t supposed to be a slice of life it’s ROMANCE.”

I can’t follow half the things he said, but I wholeheartedly agree with it as long as it docks Nick points. Very least, Tsukiko seems to understand and agree with it.

Up next, I presented my dish. Warm meat stew with mashed potatoes on the side.

“This smell.” One-eye commented, taking in the presentation. Which was on the bland side, I admit. “Is rich, the broth creamy, as if this dish is sucking me in! Telling me to rest by the warmth of a fireplace.”

“Soothes aches.” The Big Bad Wolf commented in his own raspy voice, probably a good sign since he was quiet with Nick. Although, Alberich kept to himself.

The judges took one bite. Then another, finishing the bowl in two bites. “Woooo.” One-eye, let out a hot breath. “Rich, unlike the previous contestant’s meals, this I can feel the weight of. Shame it is gone. I would have enjoyed seconds.

“Oh, no biggie. We still have a pot full.” Lugging the enormous thing to the table, I ladle another serving, along with a healthy portion of mashed potatoes.

Demolishing the stew in record time, acting almost like beasts. All three unanimously voted our side the winner.

“What!?” Injured pride caused Nick’s outburst. As he tasted what little stew remained. “It can’t be. This is like nothing I’ve ever tasted!”

“Filling, healing, comforting. We live, moving vigorously. This gives us the energy our bodies and minds crave. Not only were the bodies’ needs met, the cook also thought about who would eat her meals. A stew can be made in large quantities.” He motioned to his and Bad’s hulking sizes.

“We were played!” The wolf boss spouted in a surprised tone, mimicking a female voice. I could only smile wryly. There’s no way Nick could’ve guessed how we beat the boss.

“Yes. Yes! The feeling of home, love, family. A mother’s cooking that warms the heart. But that’s not all, is it? There’s still a twist, isn’t there.” Contemplative, the insect king called me out with a dissecting eye.

“You got me.” I break off the jerky I was munching on. “Longarm bear jerky. A delicacy to the outside world, savory and a guaranteed must-have for any meat-lover.”

“That’s it, the twist! Thought down to the last aspect! This isn’t romance it’s love. Love! The fiery passion in each bite. The feeling wrapp-”

“Alright. We’ll be going now.” Taking the key, we exited, not wanting to wait for the crazed bug to finish ranting. Getting the can’t cook layabouts, I can’t help but notice some bowls conspicuously hidden under their seats, licked clean.

O, Freddie. I half expected this from you and Tsukiko, not Antonia and Belle. “Scores 1-1 now, Nick.” I shot at his dejected form with a grin. Though I’m not sure he can hear me. Guy’s still shocked stiff and is being carried out by Antonia.