“Squirrel! AHHH” Flouncing to the floor as another blighted zombie tackles me without a sound

“Boss!” Yes be worried, I’m vulnerable

-38 (42/110)

Ow, get off.

Punching the back of its head as its fetid teeth sink into my neck, I spot a Squirrel fleeing towards me with another three in tow.

“Don’t bring them here!” I Scream to deaf ears as she picks up the pace instead of listening.

“We’re surrounded Boss” she skids to a stop, kicking the nearest pursuer with a back kick, before getting similarly tackled.

“I’m well aware” Hand squelching through the back of its skull, I toss the re-dead zombie off of me and half roll half leap onto Squirrels zombies.

One problem at a time, ignore the half dozen shambling bodies around as luckily they haven’t started runn-

“GET UP!” Tearing the zombie off of her and pushing it into the other, leaving them in a flailing embrace, I jump up to face 7 charging zombies coming from all directions

“Boss they broke my leg” Ah buggerinos.

Whirling round, I scoop her up and sprint as fast as I can towards the most spacious gap, diving as two swipe at me, just grazing my legs. Oh we’re free from the swarm.

-8(34/110)

Sadly, I am not the most staminastic person, and these are unlimited stamina zombies, so they do catch up to us half a minute later. Partially because they are actually really fast, partially because a rotten hand trips me up.

-12(22/110)

At least Squirrel’s going to die first as I roll onto my back holding her in front of my prone self.

“Boss!”

“Punishment Squirrel”

“Nooo”

Just as the zombies swarm onto us, a blinding flash of light (seriously blinding, I got the status) erupts out of nowhere, causing a chorus of inhuman moans to fill the air. Following the continued moans are a long string of snorts and the whooshing of blade sinking into rotten flesh.

“Are you alright”

“Pepper! Oh, how I’m glad to here that snorting” As it was literally the only sound that I heard from all that zombie hunting last night.

*Snort*

“Forgive me for the blinding light, I was too far away to personally interfere”

“No it’s fine really, I’d much prefer being temporarily blind then temporarily dead”

“Seconded!” Squirrel squeaks from my stomach “Also, what was that Joat” She huffs at me

“You’re the one who ran through town without getting even food and into a place literally called the Deadows, where we got chased by every grave we stepped on. What did you expect to happen? Flowers would bloom?”

“No, that would be cool, but no. ok we should have stopped at town for food, but I was excited!”

“A little too much”

“O cmon, I haven’t had an adventure since the last one”

“The one where we ended up committing genocide?”

“You enjoyed it, don’t lie”

“Ok a little bit-” Ah I do remember the fun we had playing goblin golf. Although there were some unsavoury parts… “-But still, I’d like an adventure where running isn’t the major aspect of it”

“…You know we are somewhat on a time limit” You and your squeaky logic, dammit Squirrel!!

“Can we at least walk until we’re out the Deadows”

“No can do, its all Deadows until Kordash”

“Um” A slight cough breaks our conversation “Sorry to interrupt but would you prefer to walk while you talk…instead of uh…spooning”

…

..

.

“Pepper, we’re blind, you have to help us up” Not even going to tell him he just made things a little weird, ah almost reminds me of Zzoid.

Feeling a weight lifted off my chest, I take a deep breath as a meaty hand almost rips mine out of the socket.

“Now what Pepper”

“Uh”

“Also what are you doing here anyways”

“Uh…”

“Ok ok talk on the way, just lead and we’ll grab onto you” I flail a hand in front of me, feeling a thick shoulder, that’ll do.

“AH, ah please aim a little higher, Tikari?”

“Oops sorry” It may be the blindness and overwhelming loneliness talking buuuut she doesn’t sound sorry. “Go horsey, giddy up. WHatcha!”

With a snort that may be a groan, Pepper begins dragging us along in the darkness.

“So, are we there yet”

“Boss don’t you dare, this is a three day trip and we’re not going to have any of that nonsense”

“Ohhhh so what nonsense are we going to have”

“Any that involves our new steed”

“Ah indeed. Whatcha” Whipping our new guide with an air whip, he definitely groans with a snort. “So er Pepper what are you doing here, I mean thank you for saving our butts but why?”

“…Did you not look back at all?”

“I mean we did din’t we Squirrel”

“Boss please use my name”

“Not until you prove yourself again. Squirrel”

“Aaagh, we did but there was just a horde so we didn’t look again” Right the nightmare horde of zombies we may or may not have woken from their slumber.

“Well if you looked back now”

“We’re blind”

“Of course I meant later” Riiiiight “You’d see there aren’t any zombies following you. Because I had to kill every last one”

“Well thank you, Pepper was it?”

“My pleasure, but stop running around waking up hordes. There were a lot of them”

“And you killed them all? I mean we could barely deal with a few of them between us” Squirrel is mightily impressed. Well knowing his capabilities, he is definitely a zombie slaying badass.

“For a paladin, zombies are easy”

“A paladin?” Her squeaking got ever so higher “How’d you get that, I thought religion is banned”

“It is, so please refer me as a Knight of Lucha in public”

“So you’re telling us you followed us and cleaned up after the mess Squirrel made”

“Hey”

“Indeed.”

“Heeeey”

“And to prevent you unleashing a horde of undead, I’ll escort you to wherever you are headed”

“You were just bored defending the farmer and saw us as an opportunity to leave”

“…No, my duty as a paladin is to protect”

“And that’s why you’re escorting us, to protect us” I pat him on what I think is the shoulder “Don’t worry I get it. You want to have a bit of an adventure too but don’t want to annoy the goddess”

“Oh you can totally join us on our quest, we could use some actual muscle”

“Excuse me miss I invested all my points into memory”

“I had a lot of books to remember!”

“Ok, you got me, I do want to go on an adventure and when I heard about the last time…I thought I could do something as interesting as that.”

“Believe you me, it was not as interesting as you think”

“Boss you really don’t remember how exciting it was, being pushed about by hordes of small goblins, sliding down the cavernside with the squad”

“Being thrown up on, being bullied into killing a goblin for entertainments sake, being tortured. Oh it was a blast”

“You were tortured?!?” Oh bugger forgot only Anoobis knows about that.

“No biggie I only got disembowlled, I think is the word”

“…”

“…”

“What, it isn’t as painful as you think it is. Most people when they think pain think stubbed toe. Now that’s painful because there’s nerve endings, a lot of them. I remember my biology lessons on this well! Mostly because I was awake for this one but beside the point. After having my stomach opened, which to be fair was painful, having my guts handled was unformfortable because yes there’s nerve endings but not as many as you’d think.”

“At 20% pain”

“Its 20% pain, I’d imagine 100% would be gaspingly uncomfortable. I mean IRL I once almost axed my finger off…didn’t hurt at all.”

“Wow” both speak in a mix of amazement and horror

“I was a clumsy kid. But yes, it was not a great memory”

“Wow”

“So remember this Pepper, if a hobgoblin lady offers to give you sexy time in her dungeon, don’t say yes. Also adventures are hard work”

“That explains a lot about your appearance in the throne room”

“I’m surprised nobody ever commented on it”

“We were all too busy dying, to notice”

…

..

.

“She offered you sexy time in her dungeon” Pepper, that was the tiniest point in the whole conversation there

“Of course, I am a catch you know.”

“She tortured you”

“Ok, so she was a bit on the dominatrixy side but she was a hobgoblin and to be honest after some introspection, seems like it’d be pretty normal for them”

“Normal as you sniffing her”

“I was trying to not get us all killed” I’m pretty sure I failed at that buy heyyy I had one hand so I was useless in that fight.

“There’s a lot Gristle didn’t mention.” Pepper exclaims from the front.

“Probably for a very good reason. Anywho, shalllll we move onto a more present topic like…Pepper’s love life”

“No”

“I was busy reminiscing on the good parts, even the vomiting, ah the first time you called me by my name…but you Pepper said no way too quickly there.” I can almost feel her pouncing on him, wait her tail’s just stroked my face. Is she piggybacking him.

…

..

.

Oh my Aiag

“Come on tell me all the gossip”

“None at all”

“Guys”

“I know you have some you sneaky piggy, tell me who you’re porking” Oh that’s so good but wait

“I’m not, I’m not”

“Guyyyyys”

“Liar liar pants on fire, if you’re telling the truth, swear it on your faith”

“Why should I take my word for it”

“Aha!”

“GUYS” I shout at both of them. “Why hasn’t Pepper given us a piggyback yet”

…

..

.

“That’s awful but a great idea Boss”

“No Lux no” I jump towards him, lifting myself to lean over his shoulder rather uncomfortably

“We’ll both be staying here until you tell us whats going on with you and…” I leave hterest ot be filled in

“I can’t say”

“Was it one of the fish sisters” Squirrel takes a wild guess

“No”

“The whorebin”

“No”

“The what now?”

“The whore robin, whorebin.”

“Wait why’s she that?”

“Oh she literally prostituted herself to get some gold to buy their freedom since they joined the Salzamanders and needed to pay out to do their own thing.”

“That’s not nice”

“She got a semi-class out of it plus its not like you can do sell your body IRL”

“Chaturbate”

…

..

.

“I mean of course not. How awful of her”

“Boss”

“The internet is a wide and wonderful thing” Come on Pepper back me up.

“But anyways, basically she ended up sleeping with many a person, to pay for her group”

“Hey each to their own, but if I had a choice between lugging a dead body through the sewers or having sex and getting paind for it, I know what I’d do”

“Oddly specific”

“Top of my head”

“Right” Shh Squirrel, twas a secret, don’t want a sexy assassin woman of some description coming after me (although I’m pretty sure there is already one doing just that).

“We’re getting off the real topic here, Pepper’s secret love life”

*Whoosh*

“Zombie”

“You did it with a zombie”

“NO”

“Squirell that’s low he’s a paladin that’s probably worse than I don’t know having sex with a prostitute dressed up as your goddess” I blankly stare towards Pepper…no reaction, damn.

“Damn thought you almost had him there” both of us tsk in shame “say do you know what he was doing all this time?”

“Protecting a farmily, yes I’m using that. Oh could it be the wife”

“Lux no, she’s married, I would never do such a thing”

“Oh then who could it be, it’s not like you slept with Lux”

…

..

.

There was definitely a twitch there

“Noooo”

…

..

.

“Pepper, did you have sex with Lux”

“No!”

“Oh he did, well done Boss”

“Sgt Porker, tell me, was she divine”

“I’m Pepper and no!” He begins speeding up, which does nothing since we’re both clinging onto him.

“I got a better one, did you put your faith in her”

“Wow Tikari, shame on you. Sgt Porker, did you give her your…blessings”

“Oh poor effort. Tell me, how was your seven minutes of heaven”

If we could see Sgt Porker (sorry Pepper but you’re a real porker), he’d probably be red as a beet.

“I mean you might as well tell us now that we know you did a goddess. Did you get a title out of it” He sped up to a run “Noo, was was its grade, epic?”

“Nope nope nope nope nope”

“Yes yes yes yes yes” Tikari giggles happily “Come on Porky, give us the deets” I’m seeing a whole new side of her today and I like it.

“And If you don’t guess we’ll just have to ask the other party”

“What” He stops, almost flinging both of us off. “No no nono”

I can’t see Tikari right now, but I’m about 90& sure she’s thinking what I’m thinking.

“LUX” we both shout into the sky “Please give us the deets, and we’ll be your followers”

“Stop being such preschoolers”

“Oh, are you scared she’lll tell us everything”

“No” oh you definitely are

“Lux please” I shout to the sky and wow my tongue did many freaky things there, almost as freaky as when I spoke to that snake.

“You know celestial!” Sgt Porker exclaims as he begins running again, possibly trying to outrun fate.

“You do too?”

“Of course how else would I have”

“Have what sgt Porker, oh please do go on”

“mnm” I can feel his head shaking as he runs, but not forever as he gasps suddenly, stopping and chucking me, and by that screaming Tikari, into the ground. “Goddess”

“Oh porky, please I’ve only got two minutes” Texan accent yehaw?! “Look you two, as much as I love you teasing my little porky over there, please don’t tease him too much, he’s quite a shy boy if you know what I mean.”

“Wow, aren’t you supposed to be the goddess of Light?”

“Yes but just because I’m a ‘good’ goddess doesn’t mean I can’t have any fun”

“So you’re not twitching in pain right now” Oh I have a feeling

“How…you’ve met my Daddy aint you”

“Devil’s your dad?”

“Yep, don’t talka bout it haven’t got the time. But he is the worst at hiding it, a disgusting man he is”

“Says the goddess who had sex with her paladin” Tikari speaks up from the ground somewhere

“I’m lonely. Nobody been inside my palace or inside me for that fact for two hundred and twelve years. Only my paladins can come to me so who else am I gonna…bless. Also honey, if you dream of me tonight I’ll make sure to send you a little something to spice it up” I don’t think that was aimed at me.

“Sounds fun” Tikari don’t make deals with horny goddesses who knows what they want from…ok nevermind.

“Well I’ve gotta go in like twenty one seconds so before I do, Porky you know you can dream of me and seriously, help a girl out and teach him how to kiss. Really. Please. Aight bya biaOWCH peeps”

RELIGIOUS QUEST:

Lux, Demi-Goddess of Light has asked you, pleaded you. Oh please just help a gal out and teach that porky piece of smexy bacon to use that useless tongue of his when kissing. Don’t care how you do it just teach him.

Rewards:

A minor blessing

+1 Faith towards little old me, Lux

Side note: How come you know my Daddy and, I feel very sorry for you having to meet him.

Side side note: You can be a follower but I don’t do hobgoblins, sorry.

…

..

.

“So Demi’s get to add their own touch…” and a lot of sidenotes apparently

“Demi’s?” Tikari says half in stupor, probably staring at the blue box that fills the void that is our blindsight.

“There’s only 3 real gods the rest are demi-gods”

Side side side note: we don’t like being called demi-gods unless its by Daddy, Funcle or The other guy.

A lot lot of sidenotes.

“Really?” both Porker and Tikari exclaim confused

“Its complicated, just treat them as gods because they pretty much are”

“Ok?”

Sgt Porker picks me back up and lobs me onto his shoulder well not the most comfortable but less work on the arms so no complaints.

“So…that was an experience”

“Mhm”

“Does she talk like that in bed”

“OH MY LUX SHUT UP”

“oh she does doesn’t sheee” Tikari I thought I was bad

…

“You know Porky” I intone his name with the best Texan accent I can come up with, much to his visible shivering “You really have to work on your straight face”

“Yeah we’ve been reading you like a book. The book of Porky and his goddess’ kinks”

“No kink shaming but wow”

“We didn’t do any of that”

“212 Years without some, I’d imagine she’s been preparing a lot of things” Tikari nods to herself. I’ve met a whole new person today.

“Now Tikari, he couldn’t even kiss according to Lux so how would he have been able to perform”

“STOP IT”

“Sorry went a little too far wit that. But don’t worry, we’ll help you.” I apologise, deeply

“Yes porky, we’re here to help you, help your goddess”

“By porking her”

“Fuck you guys”

“Hey now, she might get jealous” Tikari grins with a saucy evil.

“But seriously, how are we going to help him”

“Get him a prostitute dressed up as Lux, whatever she looks like and let her teach him”

“Thought you were against it”

“I understand why some people do it, but only last resort.”

“Fair enough. But is that against your religion Porky”

“…”

“We’ll take that as a no it isn’t. Oh Boss, this is the adventure I’ve been looking forward too!”

“Teaching Porky how to kiss”

“Not exactly! But something wild. I mean we literally met a goddess”

“Yeah about that, Porky. How did she appear here”

“She can manifest, but it cost me most of my Faith to do so”

“Wait what” both of us look at him, well his back, in confusion

“The faith stat changes around a lot. When I do faithful things like slay undead-”

“Or lay goddesses”

“-it increases my faith stat. but all my abilities lower it” Interesting.

“So what’s the point of adding points into it?” Tikari asks, already holding a piece of parchment while bumping up and down.

“Well it gives me 100 faith per one, which I did do to get me started. It used about 1 Faith a second to manifest her” So stats are used differently. Well this system just got more complex, once again.

“Tikari, did you get the met a diety title?”

“No”

“So their manifestations don’t count.”

“Is it a cool title?”

“Meh gives you 5 faith” Which we all now know is close to nothing.

“Gives me five seconds with heaven”

“Just 2 less than Porky can last”

“Both of you stop it”

“Never” we both say in unison

…

“Hey Porky” I speak up after a while of silently being carried (he never stopped to let us down, probably because that’d mean more time teasing him).

“Please use my real name, not…that”

“Only for the bedroom, gosh okay.”

“Fine, but you better not give her a weird nickname too”

“Of course not”

“Coming from the paladin who slept with his goddess. I’m pretty sure that’s against everything paladins stand for”

“I don’t know I’ve only been a paladin for three days”

“Well we’re about to make it four” I call out as I spot the sun lowering under the Deadows, plunging the world into glittering darkness. “Now I really have to sleep IRL, be a good paladin and protect my body please.” I tap him on the back, giving Tikari a wave before logging off.

“Same for me Pepper m’beauty” I hear Tikari drawl an awful Texan accent as she logs off too.