Author's Note:

This is story is a mix of the three of my different stories that fell apart. The Golden One, Redeo Creditum Est Canis Femina, and, The Average Wizard Goes Mad. They all fell apart for the same reason...

My lack of creativity.

I hope to bring elements from each story and build it into a world that people want to read about.

AN END:

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A Wicked Tale Of Witches, Wands, Booze, and, Swagger

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Chapter One

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I woke with a jerk as something hissed in my ear. I kept my eyes closed as the hissing drew closer. It sounded like a snake. I blindly groped for my blankets. Grasping my sheet, I pulled it up over my head.

'There are no snakes in my bed. I'm just having a very weird dream.'

The hissing continued. I felt the bed shift as something moved. I held utterly still as I felt the movement get closer. I opened my eyes under the blanket and blinked the sleep from my eyes. I could see the light of morning shining, even through my thin sheets.

I felt adrenaline kick in as the silhouette of a snake began sliding along the sheet.

“Ahhhh!” I squealed like a little girl as the snake drew near. I threw back the sheet in a rush. I tumbled out of bed and onto the floor in a tangle of limbs. Scrambling on my hands and knees, I moved away from the snake and towards the light of the window as fast as I could.

I looked around an unfamiliar room with astonished eyes. This was not the place I went to sleep in. A large four post bed with silk sheets. A large bedroom with carved marble walls. Mahogany furniture with silver accents. Some kind of weird grown goblin statue stood at the foot of the bed.

Definitely an expensive room.

Definitely not my room.

The pounding in my chest reminded me of the snake as I glanced around my unfamiliar surroundings uncertainly. I gave out a yell as I lurched to my feet. I ran to an over-sized mahogany desk and climbed on top of it. I knocked a few books and a fancy feather and inkwell onto the floor.

“Bet you can't get me up here, you fucking serpent.” I taunted the bedroom's resident snake as I stood on top of the desk.

I noticed with growing alarm that the creepy brown goblin statue had turned to face me. It had been facing the window, last I saw. My already pounding heart began to pound a little harder.

Was this a prank?

Was I on that TV show 'Scare Tactics'?

“You gotta wake up.” I muttered as I pinched myself.

“Ow!” I cringed as the pain of my pinch shattered any hopes I had of this being a dream. Pain doesn't exist in dreams, or so I heard.

The statue began to speak. “Is Young Master ill?” It spoke with a squeaky voice. “Dobby will fetch Mistress right away.”

The brown little thing had long pointed ears and wore a ragged pillowcase as clothes. I just stared at it numbly, too scared to speak. It disappeared with a pop.

“Oh god.” my knees went weak as I fell down onto the desk with a crash. “I've finally done it!”

I brought my strangely pale knees up to my chest and began to rock back and forth as tears leaked from my eyes. “I've lost my mind.” I kept rocking back and forth “I knew Tony's acid was strong.”

Dammit.

“I shouldn't have taken 6 hits at once.” I sobbed. “But it felt so good!” I wanted to pull my hair out. My life was over. There was no way I could work or get laid in this condition. What was the point of life without sex or being able to afford at least weed?

I began to sob my eyes out. “I've lost my damn mind!” I screamed.

The door to the room burst open. I looked over and stopped sobbing for a moment. I wiped away my tears to look at the woman standing in the doorway. She seemed to be a giant. At least 8 or nine feet tall compared to me. She wore a thin white silk gown that seemed to flow off of her. She was breathtakingly beautiful. Half of her hair was blond, and the other half black.

Was she a figment of my madness?

“Draco darling, What's wrong?” She ran to me and held out her arms for a hug. I flinched back, I had no wish to hug my sexy looking delusion. I began sobbing anew.

Warm arms wrapped around me.

I cried for my lost sanity. I had finally taken something that made my mind shatter like an egg. I knew there was always a risk of insanity with all the drugs I took. I never really thought the insanity would happen to me. All the drugs I'd taken before only gave mild hallucinations before.

I cried for my wife. She was sure to find me on the floor, drooling and comatose. There was no coming back when you hallucinate like this. I have no idea what she would think of me after this fiasco.

I cried for I don't know how long. I sobbed into the giant women's silk gown. I sobbed until my tear ducts ran dry. I could feel my head pounding from all the crying as I shook in the woman's arms.

I felt like a child as she released me. She smiled down on me like an angel from heaven. Light shined from the window behind her head and shone around her like a halo. “Theres no need to cry Draco, you will get to come home from school this Christmas.”

I began sobbing anew. This was a nightmare.

I eventually calmed down enough to ask the delusion a question.

“Why the hell was there a snake in the bed” Was the first thing out my mouth.

“What snake?”

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At least my delusion is an entertaining one...

“There appears to be no curses nor foreign potions in his scans. They all came up clear.” The Healer spoke in a British accent. “The blood tests show that he is clearly your son.”

“But what's wrong with him?” My 'Father' asked.

I was sitting on the end of an examination table, numb to the world around me. I'd answered questions as honestly as I could and let myself be prodded in every orifice the crazy Healers cared to probe. I just wanted this delusion to end.

Insanity doesn't end. Insanity is forever.

“The logic tests show clearly that he is sane,” I snorted from the examination table. “And the mind healer has seen a case like this before.”

“Well what is it?” My hallucinatory mother practically screeched.

“He called it muggle body dismorphia shock syndrome.” The Healer pronounced triumphantly. “Theres a problem though.”

Father gasped. “That sounds horrible, what is it?”

“When a Witch or Wizard sees too much of the muggle world, they have an extreme change in personality and habits. Muggle culture has been known to be so shocking for a young wizard for them to lose their minds. This seems to be a mild case. An extreme version has been recorded in the records of Healer Mars in his-” Father cut the Healer off.

“Whats the problem then? Cure it!” Father screamed at the Healer.

I hid a laugh in a cough as the Healer jerked away. “I'm-” the Healer trailed off “I'm sorry to tell you that the problem lies with the fact that you said that your son has had no exposure to muggles before.”

“I took him through the muggle entrance to Diagon alley a week ago to get his school supplies. He saw muggles for only a few moments.” Father protested.

The Healer nodded. “I'm happy to say that this is a very mild case. Young Draco here,” the Healer gestured back to me, “Seems to be sane in the most literal sense.” He smiled “He is capable of reasoning and learning,” He turned back to my 'parents' “He just thinks he's a 26 year old American muggle.”

“Well cure it!” My father screamed again.

“I'm sorry to say, It is incurable. He will have to learn to be who he really is again.” The healer shook his head sadly.

My mother began to sob. She came over to the side of the exam table and wrapped her arms around me once more.

At least my insanity can keep me entertained.

God forbid I think I'm a goldfish or something worse than being a Harry Potter character.

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Healer Doxy sat with Mind-Healer Brims in the Healer's break room as they talked about the newest patient to be discharged from St Mungo's.

“So...” Mind-Healer Brims grinned at Healer Doxy. “What's muggle body dismorphia shock syndrome?”

Healer Doxy snickered into the sandwich his wife made him this morning. “I made it up on the spot!”

They both howled with laughter.

“So what do you think really is wrong with Mr. Malfoy?” Mind-Healer Brims questioned after the laughter trailed off.

“He lost his bloody mind of course.” Healer Doxy took another bite. “I would too if I was raised by a bloody Death Eater.”

Mind-Healer Brims nodded solemnly. Then a thought occurred to him. “Do you think sending an insane boy to Hogwarts is the best idea?”

The Healers looked at each-other for a moment.

“Let Dumbledore Handle it.”

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