“YOU DARE DESECRATE THIS FOREST?!?!” The mysterious voice yells at us, well, me…probably. Yeah, I’m about 95% sure it’s directed at me. Whomever it is, it is extremely adamant about me not being able to reproduce anymore. Fuck, my tenders. Wait, it said forest? HA! I KNEW THIS WAS A FOREST!! Hahaha….ow…I shouldn’t laugh. Laughing hurts. Shit.

“Hun you okay down there?” Blake called from the pods as she diligently scanned the area, searching for ours, no, MY attacker. Volt in the meantime has taken cover behind a tree as he scans his surroundings. Sky has taken flight and is flying around. I look up to follow Sky with my eyes which I soon find out was a mistake. SPLASH.

“Fucking hell!” I spat, coughing up this foul smelling liquid. Wait, this scent is familiar…No, it can’t be! “Shit, uh guys? I think this is my piss…”

“….”

“….”

“Analyzing. Confirmed. Captain Lindsey, that liquid is indeed your urine that you recently expelled from your urethra.” No shit Sherlock. And why are you so…technical? Oh god. I just drank some of my piss. Let me tell you, it is not pleasant at all. I raise my hands to wipe off some of the piss from my face. The moment I do, another jet of piss, hits me again in the groin.

“….”

“….”

“….”

“….”

Nobody spoke. No sound except for the sound of me groaning as I roll on my stomach, grabbing my balls. Someone out there hates me for no reason.

“YOU SHALL KNOW PAIN, CONTAGION!!” The voice booms across the forest.

“Hey uh, Linds, what did you do?” Volt asks me from his cover. I don’t fail to notice that his hands guns are conveniently pointed down and placed in front of his balls. Smart man.

“I took a piss because my bladder was full and I had to empty it. Apparently, that pissed, hehe, pissed, ow…don’t laugh dumbass, pissed off some alien,” I say as I rub my tenders, trying to get the pain to pass. “YO! Uh….Lifeform? Yeah, Lifeform! I’m, sorry for peeing? Can you please stop hitting me with my own urine? It’s very unplea…gargle!” Another wave of piss lands in my mouth before I even finish yelling. Suddenly I hear laughter as Blake has fallen on the ground. Volt is chuckling but at the same time, giving me a look of “I’m so glad it’s you and not me.” I hate you both so much right now.

“SILENCE CONTAGION!! YOUR VERY EXISTENCE IS AN ABOMINATION! I SHALL DESTROY YOU!!”

Well, that’s not good. Volt and Blake upon hearing that exclamation immediately stop laughing and rush over to me. Blake dashes as fast as she can in a beeline towards me but is suddenly tripped up by a tree root that popped up from the ground. Volt on the other hand looks like he is being buffeted by a gush of wind that seems to blowing against him, preventing him from moving. The ground shoots up and forms a wall around them, trapping them inside before they can even react. Sky dive bombs from the air towards me but is ensnared by the branches of the surrounding trees. Wow, they really suck at fighting. Granted we are fighting against someone who seems to be able to bend the elements to its will and we have never encountered anything like this before. But still, I would have thought that someone with service records like Volt and a love for martial arts from someone like Blake would have at least lasted a few minutes.

As I’m contemplating how sad it was we barely were able to put up any fight, fire begins to form in midair out of nowhere and transforms into a cage. This cage slowly grows as it surrounds me, trapping me inside and prevents me from even thinking about escaping. I crawl towards one of the bars and as I do, the heat seems to intensify. Huh. Probably should stay away from that then. Damn it’s hot in here. I might be in trouble now. In fact, I probably will die. Well, at least the pain is passing. I think I should stand here and try something.

“Hey uh, Glorious Lifeform, I’m not a Cunt…thingy. I’m a, uh….human! You probably never seen a human before have you? But I’m flesh and blood! No cunt or whatsoever. Well, maybe Blake has a cunt but she’s not cunt thingy or whatever your saying. OH GOD NO MORE PISS ATTACK!!!” I cry as a jet stream of piss comes flying towards me. I duck and cover, making sure to protect my groin this time and anticipate the impact of my urine splashing on top of me. I wait…3 seconds go by. Then 5 seconds. 10 more seconds. I cautious look up and I see an impossible sight; the jet stream piss has stopped in midair inches away from my face. So…apparently, this being can control the elements of nature? Kind of cool. If only it would stop attacking me.

WHOOSH

I hear what sounds like a flapping of gigantic wings behind me. I turn around and I am awestruck. What is hovering before me is perhaps one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. And I’m not saying that because she has wings that probably measure 5 feet long, EACH but because she truly is a sight to behold. As she lands, the wings seem to go INSIDE her purple body. Oh right, she’s purple. And she has long, silver hair. Weird combination. On her waist is a curved sword. Why a sword? I thought this was Industrial Age? Well, Sky did say something about how Medieval Times was also present so I guess it makes sense. Her fiery red eyes stare at me maliciously as she approaches me. I notice that she is wearing a black, what looks like to be a chainmail, that seem to hug her and scream out “LOOK AT MY SEXY BODY!” and at the same time shout out “ATTACK ME AND YOU WILL DIE!” Damn she is definitely toned. If all the aliens on this planet look anything remotely like her, well, I’ll have no complaints. My eyes will certainly appreciate it all. I give her a once over and look at her chest.

“Huh. Small boobs.”

WHACK

I notice my shirt has been punctured by something and I’m bleeding through 5 lines across my chest. Huh. I must have been scratched by this lady pretty roughly somehow. Oh, looks like she has claws…and blood is dripping from them. Immediately, my shirt starts to stitch itself back up as well as injecting antibiotics and sew up my wounds. Thank god for nanotechnology. I’m so glad that it is now the new vaccine to be injected with nanites. Our healing factor is insane now. Granted, we’ll still die but still. A wound that would have taken a few days to heal is now healed in seconds. But we still have not figured out how to regrow limbs. Too bad.

I look up and for a brief second, I see a shocked face on this pretty lady before it passes and she resumes her stoic, yet angry look. She must not have anticipated the nanotechnology healing me so rapidly. It must be witchcraft to her. Well, lady, what you do with this controlling of the elements is witchcraft to me.

The ground starts to shake and a hole opens up next to me. Then, from the hole, Volt and Blake pop up, encased in what looks like a termite hill…except without the termites. They look at me and then gape at the, creature, in front of them. The top of the cage opens and in drops Sky who is quickly encased in a similar tomb. I give them a look to stay silent as I try to handle the situation. I gaze at the, now wingless alien who is looking curiously at Sky, and smile at her.

“Hello, pretty lady. I’m sorry for saying you have small…”

WHACK

I cough up blood this time and my nanites work overtime to heal me. Blake starts yelling at the alien, wait, no, at me? Why are you yelling at me? I am the one who is coughing, wait, correct that, WAS coughing up blood! I look over at her and Volt and I see daggers being shot at me from Blake while a look of amusement is coming from Volt.

“Your impudence tests my patience, Contagion,” the alien growls...and when I say growl, it is most certainly a growl but I swear it sounds like honey somehow. And she is speaking in a British accent? The fuck? It’s so….lovely. This girl is really pretty when she’s mad.

“I told you pretty lady, I’m not a, what did you call it? Contagion? Yeah, I think that’s it. I’m not a Contagion, madam. I’m sure you have seen some. Well, I’m hoping you have seen some. Do any of them look like us?”

“…..”

“I’m going to take your silence as a ‘no’ thank you.”

“You could be a new evolution.”

“Really? These Contagions can evolve? Interesting. Anyways, I’m not. I assure you. Go ahead. Ask me anything. I’ll answer truthfully.”

Suddenly the ground wraps around me and thrust me out of the cage and just a few inches from the alien. Oh wow, I just noticed that this lady is really REALLY tall. I think she’s over 6 feet. Damnit, why are everyone so damn tall? And why is she so hot?!?! Holy shit, she would put any model back on Earth to shame! Fiery red eyes with long eyelashes. Her purple skin is flawless and has a few freckles on her cheeks. Her lips are a dark shade of black that looks like she wearing lipstick but I’m fairly certain she is not. She grabs me by the neck and holds me up to her face as she snarls at me, “I will ask questions. Lie and I will hurt you. A daemon knows when you lie.”

“Fair…enough. Hey, can you loosen….your grip? It’s a little….hard to….breathe,” I gasp at her in between breaths. She grunts and lets go of my throat. I immediately start panting, glad for this glorious air and oxygen.

“….Where did you come from?”

“A different planet.” I smile at her.

WHACK

“I didn’t lie, damnit!” Seriously? Ow…I notice that this time though, I wasn’t bleeding. Still, this alien has no manners.

“I know…That is why I retracted my claws…” the alien mumbles while looking away. Wait a second. Is she, admitting she was wrong? Wait, is she blushing?? Holy shit she’s embarrassed! Before I could say anything though, she went ahead an asked another question. “How come you can speak my language?”

“I am your God!” I proudly proclaim…which promptly earns me a punch in the face. Yeah, totally worth it as I spat out blood. I looked over at my siblings and they are rolling their eyes. I probably deserved that.

“Hun, is it a good idea to provoke our captor right now?” Blake sighs at me. She has a point. It is probably an absolutely terrible idea to provoke the lifeform before me. But I suck at following directions, especially when I’m facing such a beautiful woman. My mind kind of just speaks whatever the hell it wants. But from what I can gather, this lifeform is on a life mission to eliminate all Contagions, whatever that is. This daemon is honest to a fault and wickedly intelligent. She knows that I was not lying, somehow, when I said I came from a different planet but found it hard to believe. Hell, I have a hard time believing that I am on an alien planet. If someone came to Earth and told me it was an alien from Pluto, I would have laughed my ass off. Seriously, who would believe something like that? However, she knew I was not lying somehow and admitted she was wrong, although begrudgingly. I need to find out how she is able to tell if I am lying or not. Maybe I can use this to my advantage.

“LIE TO ME AGAIN AND I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR THROAT!!!”

Okay...I just pissed off the giant purple lady. Time to defuse the situation. “My humblest apologies, great daemon. I meant no disrespect. I am, unfortunately just an explorer that happened to land on your planet no less than 2 hours ago. During which I was mostly naked and you attacked me with my own urine. My response is just a defense mechanism to hide the fact that I am absolutely confused and trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.”

The daemon took a step back and a look of shock came across her face. Heh, guess she didn’t see that coming now did she? That’s right purple lady, this alien knows how to flatter people. I should push you a little further. “Imagine my surprise when I see that a great daemon such as yourself is able to control the elements to your will! AND imagine my joy when I saw the one attacking me was one of the most beautiful beings I have ever laid eyes on! A goddess you truly are! Such a beauty with perfectly, small boo…”

And that is when I blacked out.