Help me. Someone...please…save me. Anyone…I don’t care who. Someone just come here and save me. I’m seriously going to die…please…just come and save me. Oh god…she’s moving again…Can’t…breathe…need…air…ha….ha…haaaaaa…Why does this planet hate me so much??

Oh what was that, imaginary audience? Why am I dying? Did I get attacked? Is someone trying to kill me? Did a Contagion unit pop out from the shadows and decide to strangle me in my sleep?

No…Worse. Much worse.

Turns out, the 4th Princess of the Daemon Clans, Justine von Gustogh of Clan Gustof is a terrible person to share a bed with. I must have fallen asleep for only about 15 minutes before she woke me up. Not on purpose I must add. No, she climbed into bed and went straight to sleep. At least, that is what I think happened. You see, dear imaginary audience, Princess Justine von Gustogh is a cuddler.

But why is that bad? You’re cuddling with an amazingly hot and sexy tall, purple alien!!

Oh you naïve imaginary audience. So innocent. So perverted. So…blind. I was going to say stupid but I think that would be rude to my insanity. Anyways, what you fail to realize is that she is twice my size. Not fat or anything, just tall and with her ginormous wing span, she could wrap around me 2 and half times if she was made out of elastic rubber or something. You see, she tends to move around a lot. She also tends to keep a death grip on me…and you know how ridiculously strong she is from when she had strangled me when I first saw her naked.

OH GOD SHE’S TURNING AGAIN!!!!!

BANG.

MOTHER FUCKER!!! WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU DEMON!!!

She just literally threw me against the wall…AND SHE STILL HASN’T LET GO OF ME!!! How heavy of a sleeper is she?? Ow…that’s going to bruise later. Man, this is torture. Cruel, horrible torture. She won’t wake up.

I tried poking her, nudging her, pushing her, yelling at her, kicking her, even slapping her in the face. Nothing. She just kept right on sleeping peacefully without so much of a flutter of an eye. The only reaction she had was to breathe in deeply and subconsciously pin my arms to my chest with one arm and the other is wrapped around my throat. Every so often, she will embrace me tightly and my air circulation gets cut off. Unfortunately, she never brings me all the way to full asphyxiation. If only she would cause then I would pass out and be asleep…forever. Honestly, that would be a lot better than this torture.

I knew I should have slept on the floor. I am never sharing a bed with this demon ever again. No wonder you’re single. You probably killed all your past lovers. Well, if you have a lover right now, he or she or it, is a fucking masochist.

Currently, I’m facing away from her. I can feel her boobs press against my back through her shirt. I actually took mine off before I got under the covers. It was a mistake. She’s totally not wearing a bra. But…I’ll be lying if I said I don’t like it. Come on. Boobs are boobs no matter the size so long as it belongs to a female person. All female boobs are awesome. And her boobs are perfect. Sure, I make fun of them for being “small” but to be honest, I love her small purple boobs. If she was my lover, her boobs would fit perfectly in my hands. And right now, those lovely breasts are currently pressed against me. It’s a great sensation…if only I could fall asleep like this...

OH SHIT SHE’S MOVING AGAIN!!! Wait…what is she doing?? Why am I movMMPH!!

She just turned my body…and pressed my face into her boobs. Huh. That wasn’t so bad. I still can’t move my arms and she still has her arm around my neck. Hmmm…I should motorboat her. Maybe that would wake her up. Yeah, let’s try that. Okay ready? On three.

Thr….OH GOD I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY!!!! PLEASE LET ME COME UP FOR SOME AIR!!!! LOOSEN YOUR GRIP DEMON PRINCESS!!! LOOSEN YOUR FUCKING GRIP!!!!

Okay…she must be able to read minds telepathically in her sleep. Oh air…thank god. I’m NOT trying that again. I almost died for what, the 40th time tonight? Damnit. 40 scares…If she doesn’t kill me, I might just die of fright.

I can’t see anything. Well, the room was already dark with the lights off and everything but there was still some light coming from underneath the door. Now, I really can’t see anything. Hell, I can barely breathe with my face smooshed between these amazing pillows. They smell nice too. Kind of like lavender and mint. Maybe if I stick my tongue out and lick her she’ll wake up. I’ll deal with any consequences if it means I can sleep later.

I stick my tongue out and lick the side of her boob through her shirt. Or at least attempt to. I did get her shirt wet but I don’t think I managed to make contact with her breast at all. Aaaand she’s tightening her grip again….aaaaand I can’t breathe again. There goes that plan…Maybe if I kick her again…

Let’s try it. Kick….kick….kick kick…Wait…What…what are you doing? Justine? What are you doing?!?!

Fuck.

She just wrapped her legs around mine…aaaaand I can’t move. At all. She’s not wearing any pants…just an underwear. I’m just wearing boxers so I can feel how smooth her legs are. Honestly, they’re kind of nice. I’m a little turned on right now. Fuck. I rather sleep right now than have sex. Hell, I can’t even have sex with this girl if I wanted to considering I can’t even fucking move. Besides, taking advantage of a sleeping girl? That’s rape. That’s not cool. Rapists deserve to die at least 1,000 times.

In an unrelated and somewhat related note, I swear to god or goddess or whatever higher powers there may be, if she has been awake this entire time, I WILL kill her. Damnit…I just want to sleep.

Now Lindsey, when she first grabbed you, why didn’t you just get out of bed? Well, I tried. But she would not let go and kept pulling me back in like some kind of demon dragging the soul it captured to hell. Plus, slamming me into the wall every time I tried to leave. I gave up on that long ago. How long ago was that? God I’m so exhausted. How long have I been awake now? Fuck it. I’m going to attempt to sleep again in this position. Well, a new position. You know what I mean.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Justine, Linds, you guys up? It’s already lunch time. How long do you two plan to sleep? You two aren’t shagging are you?”

Volt, you mother fucker. I haven’t slept at all except for those glorious 15 minutes. AND ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! IT’S ALREADY LUNCH TIME?!?! That means that I have been tortured the entire night and then all morning! God…damnit. I’m skipping lunch.

Shit she’s moving!!! Please don’t throw me again…I can’t handle it anymore. Just kill me now….What does it take to fucking die already?!?!

Oh. She let go of me. She let go? I’M FREE!!! YES!!! I quickly crawl out of bed and collapse on the floor. Oh you beautiful floor. Let me kiss you. Mwuah mwuah mwuah.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m kissing the floor.”

“Why?”

“…Let me ask you something, how did you sleep?”

“Hmmm? I slept great!” Justine happily exclaims as she stretched. Her breasts seem to pop a little as she stretches. I can still see the wet spot where I attempt to lick her. Her nipples are erect and I can see the outlines of them on her shirt. Wow…No, focus. You’re angry at her. Do not get distracted by her hotness.

“That was the best I have ever slept in such a long time. It really is easier to sleep when you cuddle with someone instead of a body pillow!” Justine smiles down at me.

“…”

“What is wrong with your face?”

“I’m never sleeping in the same bed as you ever again.”

“WHY?! I just told you that I had never slept so well! You need to sleep next to me again.”

“You used me as your body pillow.”

“…You loved it. You said I am beautiful and you said, what was it, ‘the thought of sharing a room with an extremely sexy, beautiful woman is enticing to me’. So you definitely would have loved to share a bed with me.”

“No. No I did not. Oh wait, almost forgot about your damnable lie detector….Okay, I enjoy very, very, VERY little of it. Most of it I hated. It was hell.”

“… You’re…not lying.”

“No. No I am not.”

“…What did I do?”

So I told her. In excruciating detail. Not leaving anything out. Even the fact that I tried to lick her. I don’t care if she gets angry. I’m fuming here. I hope she gets embarrassed and refuse to ever sleep in the same bed as me ever again. I am that desperate right now. I need to get away from her at night.

During the entire time I ranted, she doesn’t say a word as she sat in the bed, watching me closely. When I finish my tale, she bursts out laughing hysterically. Oooookaaaaay…that was not the reaction I was expecting. I watch in bewilderment as Justine leans forward and grabs her stomach, laughing.

“…You do realize that I didn’t sleep at all right? I think I now officially have been up for over 48 hours.”

“HAHAHAHAHA…haaaa. Ahem. I am sorry. But…that is hilarious! Now I have something new to get you to do things for me!”

“….What?”

“It is a pain to keep baking cookies in order to bribe you. Now I can also threaten you to sleep in the same bed as me!!”

“Justine?”

“Yes?”

“I really, really fucking hate you.”

“No you don’t,” Justine retorts with a huge grin on her face. Fucking bitch. I DO hate her.

She leans over the side of the bed and grabs her bag. Opening it, she pulls out a tissue bag and hands it to me.

“Here. As I promised…and as an apology.”

I open it and there they are. 6 chocolate chip cookies. Okay. Maybe I can forgive. Just a little. I take one and just as I am about it bite into it, Justine speaks up again.

“Just so we are clear, me eating these does not mean I forgive you.”

“Lie. You just said that you can forgive me a little.”

“…Damnit...Am I still thinking out loud?”

“Yes.”

“….”

Fuck these cookies are delicious. How the hell does she make them so good?!?! You know what? I don’t want to know. I’m just going to inhale these. Fuck…She really would be able to bribe me to do anything if she keeps making these cookies for me.

“I am glad you like my cookies and how easy you are to manipulate. Now, get dressed, body pillow. We need to go to the galley for lunch.”

I look up and see that Justine has already gotten dressed. Damn that was fast. She even put on her black combat boots. Yes, boots. Not heels. Boots. I never understood why movies and novels always say that the girls wear heels to battle. It’s so…unrealistic. Besides, who said that girls can’t look hot in black combat boots? There is a case example right here proving that they can! Oh right, she’s waiting for me. I should probably respond.

“You go ahead small tits. I’m sleeping.”

“No.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’? I didn’t get to sleep at all with the way you abused the fuck out of me all night!!”

“If you do not come with me, rumors will spread.”

“Don’t care. Sleeping.”

“…”

I crawl back into bed and just as I’m about to pull the covers over me, a gust of wind blows them away. Damnit Justine. Fine. I can sleep without blankets. I turn my back to her and close my eyes.

“Get up.”

“I’m asleep. Go away. Listen. I’m already snoring. ZZZZZZZZZZZ…And I’m currently sleep talking.”

“Get up.”

I ignore her and tune her out. She can set me on fire for all I care. I will be able to sleep through it. I wrap my arms around myself to get warm. Fucking bitch just had to take away the blankets.

“OW OW OW OW OW LET GO!!!”

I feel something grab my ear and pull me out of bed. I’m flailing around on the floor and hitting the hand that is grabbing my ear but instead of letting go, it just pulls harder and forces me to stand. OW…it fucking hurts! I start punching Justine’s bare legs, stomach, anything I can make contact with, but she doesn’t even budge. Is she made of out stone or something?!?!

“You have a choice, little one. I can drag you out of this room by the ear like this as you are dressed in nothing but your boxers. Or, you can put some clothes on you and I will not drag you out of this room by the ear. The choice is yours.”

“Both choices suck. I choose option 3 without the ear pulling and me going back to bed.”

“Very well. Let’s go.”

And sure enough, she made her way to the door, dragging me by the ear and not letting me put on any pants, a shirt, or my boots. Damnit…I really don’t want to be seen in just my boxers. I scream a little in anger as I try to fight her but she just twists my ear painfully. I try going limp but she just continues to drag me. WHY IS SHE SO STRONG?!?!

“I’M SORRY!! LET ME GET DRESSED!! I’LL BE GOOD AND GO WITH YOU!!!”

“I know. I am dragging you, am I not? I told you will come.”

“BITCH!!! Why couldn’t you just bribe me with more cookies?!”

“I do not want to make any right now.”

“I. Hate. You. Let. GO!!”

“Lie. And no. Now stop behaving like a child and be good, little princess.”

I begrudgingly follow her out of the room. It is less painful to go along with her than being dragged. This sucks. I REALLY do not want to go to the galley in my boxers. I am going to kill her. Yup. I’m going to kill her. First she won’t let me sleep, now she won’t let me get dressed. Fucking sadist.

I slam into her butt when she stops randomly. Ow…that kind of hurt. Sure, her butt is nice and all but a sudden stop still hurts. I look up and I see her smiling down on me.

“Get dressed.”

“…”

“Do you want me to drag you again?”

With that threat, I go back inside the room and put on my pants, shirt and boots. Fucking bitch. I’m so going to shoot her in the face. I strap on my gun and my belt and walk out. Justine is facing away from me and talking to Volt and Blake. Perfect. I’m going to shoot her. My hand reaches for my gun.

“Hun, don’t even think about it.”

"What are you talking about?”

“Sigh. You really want to go there?”

“…No…”

“Good. Now come on.”

Fuck you, Blake. There is no justice in this world. I was just going to shoot her a little…on stun of course. Shoot her in her little, ugly face. Make her cry. Just a little. She wouldn’t die.

Muttering to myself, I follow everyone to the galley as Sky comes from its perch and lands on my right shoulder.

“How did you sleep, Captain?"

“Fuck off, Sky. No, I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I didn’t sleep very well.”

“I see. It is unfortunate that organisms such as yourself require sleep.”

“It really is, Sky.”

“Maybe tonight you will be able to sleep.”

“With my luck? I highly doubt it. What are you doing?”

“Attempting small talk, Captain. How did I do?”

“Very well actually.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

And just like that, my anger goes away as I chat with Sky on the way to the galley and attempt to persuade it to go peck at Justine’s head.