Prologue - The ugliest tramp stamp in history

I’ve always hated flying. First, you have to get up crazily early to fight traffic and drive to the airport, ensuring that you arrive at least an hour early. Then, to make matters worse, when I was 17 I nearly tore my jaw off, doing something so incredibly stupid I want to kill myself just thinking about it, car surfing. I ended up with 20 screws and 5 plates jammed in there, somehow holding everything together. Every time I go through a security checkpoint the damned sensors go off, if I’m lucky they just do a pat search and wave the metal detector wand. But, it seems like about 30% of the time, I wind up in the back room getting molested; or at least that’s how I’ve always thought about it. Thankfully, I was lucky this time. No need to seek out additional consoling after we landed. I’d arrived my usual hour early, passing through airport security without setting off too many alarms. Boarding the plane, I sat down in my aisle seat quickly falling asleep. I’d been anticipating a nice nap for the nearly 9 hours it’d take to fly to London. I’d need my energy for moving into my new dorm room.

Unexpectedly, I was jolted awake as the plane literally shook. I looked up hurriedly, to see what I assumed to be a behemoth slowly sidling towards me. It was a disgusting blob. It looked similar to a slime found outside the starting areas in many video games. Upon closer examination, it was not a slime, though I wish it had been. The only thing that I could distinguish as human was the blue jeans, with what looked like a tramp stamp just barely visible above the thong panties. It was a morbidly obese woman, about 5’4” and probably 400 pounds. I could have sworn she had succeeded in Dudley Dursley’s old threat. You know, the one to become wider then he was tall? Dread filled me as she side-stepped towards me (she was so fat she couldn’t walk in-between the aisles). All the blood drained from my face, as my neighbor across the aisle looked at me with sympathy. With an ashen face, I glanced at the empty seat next to me, standing up to let the woman into her seat. I attempted to settle in, trying to convince myself that this would be a great story to tell at some future party.

Six hours later, I actually felt somewhat grateful to the fat woman next to me. Sure, I was uncomfortable as hell. I had to find multiple excuses to get out of my seat, and walk around the cabin. But, perhaps out of sympathy, the beauty across the aisle had spent most of the last 6 hours talking to me. While I’d had a few romantic liaisons throughout high-school, I knew what my league was, and she was WAY out of it. The only distinction to my appearance was my height and bulk; at 6’3” and nearly 220 pounds of mostly muscle I cut quite the imposing figure. But, my face was just average before I destroyed my jaw, and now it’s slightly crooked though it's hard to notice it. However, the girl across the aisle was so beautiful that my heart raced just looking at her. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought I was in a Hollywood set. Looking at the young Joan of Arc, or Helena of Troy.

I was so absorbed just being near her that I didn’t even notice the plane shaking at first. Her surprised expression as we suddenly dropped 1,000 feet in an instant just captured my heart… At least, until the woman next to me was thrown into my face. She was so wide that she couldn’t buckle her seatbelt. She’d just been riding without one, and as the plane ran through severe turbulence she was lifted from her seat landing on me; beginning to smother me. Unable to move her girth while the plane slowly broke apart around us, I was smothered to death. The last thing I ever saw as my soul left my body was the obese woman’s tramp stamp. A distorted playboy bunny with stretch marks running through it and pimples where the eyes should be.

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An indeterminate amount of time later, I slowly regained consciousness with a loud ringing noise in my ears. As the ringing cleared, all I could hear was raucous laughter that sounded eerily familiar; as if I was hearing a recording of my own laughter. As I slowly regained control of my body, I opened my eyes to see… me. Except, he was somehow… better… He looked stronger, more handsome, and perhaps another inch taller; but it was definitely me. As I stared at this weird apparition, he fell to the floor clutching his stomach. As he rolled around laughing hysterically, I could hear saying, “(laugh).... Smo (laugh)... thered (laughs) by a fat lady (laughs) ….” As I listened to him laughing, I thought back to my most recent memories, and couldn't help but see the humor in it. I soon joined him, falling to the floor rolling around. Laughing like a maniac, until I was so exhausted I lost consciousness again.