“Hey Ray, want to go get some coffee?” A skeevish looking head of a man with spectacles pops over the cubicle, peering down at Ray.

Not bothering to look away from the document he is producing, he shoos the other man.

“Fine, but Mary is coming and I swear she…” He wiggles his eyebrows “Was asking for you to come”

“I don’t like Mary, Josh” Ray speaks in a flustered voice, out of anger rather than embarrassment.

“Pah” Josh snorts haughtily “I’ve seen you looking out that window at her more than once my friend” He winks

Ray’s hand twitches slightly, as he looks up annoyed.

“Go…without me” He seethes slightly, containing himself as best as he can.

Josh notices the barely reined anger and runs away with a sigh “Ah, what happened to the good old you?”

Grumpily, Ray returns to his work; monotonously typing words that are but meaningless letters to him.

He writes page upon page, not really concentrating on what he is writing, as his mind wanders aimlessly in boredom.

Stopping after he finished his eighth page, he stands up and goes for a quick walk around the office to stretch his legs.

The office is in its lunch break, so most of the people have left to the coffee room, apart from a few work-minded individuals such as himself.

He pays little attention to them as he grabs some water and sips it on the way back to his desk.

Working for a few more hours, he takes another break; this time turning to the glass pane which his cubicle resides next to.

Although he is on the twelfth, the people on the street are still somewhat recognizable and when he inspects closely; he spots the long, proud strides of one of his coworker’s; Mary.

He watches her stroll down the street, his breath quickening, out of fear. He feared what she would do if he was fount out to be watching her, or worse, found out the reason why.

Reaching the middle of the street, she turns into a small old building with reddish bricks which has a small, well kept playground in its garden.

Watching the entrance to the building, he soon sees Mary walk out followed by a small girl, causing his heart to pound upon his chest painfully.

Her soft, small round face is crystal clear to him, even from this distance. The way her pullover is slightly too big for her made his heart pound faster. The way she smiled, gleaming through the cold, depressing weather of the country made his heart beat more furiously upon his chest.

Time seemed to slow down as he watched her skip daintily with no worries to her young, innocent life.

“Caught you” Josh whispers into his ear

“FUCK” Ray jumps, causing some nearby typing to stop momentarily.

Immediately feeling searing heat upon his cheeks, he tries to lull his pounding heart, instilled by fear. Fear of getting caught, truly caught.

“Oops, guess I shouldn’t have distracted you” He grins cheekily “Looks like you were well into spending the rest of the day staring at her”

“Josh stop” Ray answers through gritted teeth as his face heats up in embarrassment more.

“I would buuuut, it’s Valentine’s day soon so I’m going to bug you till you make a move” He sticks out his tongue playfully, thoroughly annoying Ray.

“I..I can’t” Ray spits out the words angrily, more at himself than at Josh.

“Nuh uh, no excuses! Especially when she’s into you”

“I..-”

“I said no excuses. Find a restaurant, book at table and ask her out on a date” Josh jabs his finger on Ray’s chest emphasizing the point.

“STOP IT JOSH” He slams the table causing his cup of pencils to fall over and the office goes silent for a second increasing the tension in the atmosphere.

“Ok ok” He raises his hands as if to plead innocence and walks away, leaving Ray seething at his desk.

He grips his hands squeezing them tightly to calm down as he is thoroughly pissed at Josh, for being his usual naïve, annoying, self-centered self.

But he is more annoyed at the fact that Josh keeps pushing his sore spot without even realizing it.

Ray doesn’t know what he can do, how he can do anything without becoming something, vile, disgusting even, to society.

What can he do but watch from a distance? He cannot talk to her, he cannot be near her or society will tear him apart like the wild beast it is.

All he can do is watch from afar and let his heart beat painfully in his chest.

Clutching his pain ridden chest, he turns back to his desk to finish his work.

The day goes by quickly and within a short while he is finished.

With his usual solemn face, he grabs his coat and begins to leave.

As he exits the building, a hearty feminine voice from the street tells him to “wait up”.

Stopping, he turns around to see Mary slow down to a walk and produce her usual delicate smile.

“Hey Ray” She sounds happy, albeit slightly out of breath from running to catch up.

“Hey Mary” He on the other hand sounds as bored as usual, but she doesn’t seem to notice, or to care.

“Would…would you like to go to dinner with me tomorrow?” She asks, giving a gleaming smile that would make quite a few men feel faint.

Ray however, is not one of those men.

“Sure” He says after a moment of thought, and with a very reluctant tone.

He said yes, because he wants the pain to stop; he wants to move on. Even though his heart screams at him not to…and stay painfully beating day by day.

But the more logical side of him, forces him to say yes, to fit back into society and forget the strong feelings that burn within his heart.

Happily, she tells him the restaurant and the time, before she walks off a slight swish in her hips.

Ray spent the time walking home thinking of all the good things about Mary, to try gain that inkling of feeling one would call ‘love’.

Such a feeling doesn’t enter his heart on the way home through the cold, gloomy streets of town. Nor does it come in the solace of his small, but comfortable apartment.

Cooking a simple meal of rice and chicken, he sits down at the sofa and opens up the small chess table his father gave to him a few years back.

Slowly playing against himself, he quickly got bored, suicide his white kind and then headed off to bed.

Sleep did not drift in nicely, since turbulent thoughts whizzed around his mind.

Resigning to his fate, he stares up at the darkened ceiling wondering how to dull the painful beating of his heart.

Morning took away those thoughts, and with a heavy heart, he went to work.

Work was the same; Josh being his self-centered, annoying self, constantly pushing Ray’s buttons till the point of bursting.

He never really focused on work anymore, not truly. It was still completed, but there was some special ‘element’ that just did not exist within his documents.

The hours ticked by, till he instinctively looked towards the outside; spotting Mary walking into the school.

Unable to refrain from the primal desire, he stared at the entrance, waiting for her to reemerge with her daughter.

Soon she did, and his heart gave him a painful pounding.

Until they left his sight, he continued to watch them, longingly and with a hint of hate, directed at himself.

Finishing off his work, he quickly heads home and begins to ready himself with much reluctance.

Combing his hair, he brushes it back; revealing a small streak of scars on the side of his forehead.

The scar was eight years old, but the memories it brought back made the scar feel new and fresh

“Don’t you love me?” the words angrily echo in his head.

The memory of the twenty three year old Lucille; tears glistening in her puffy eyes, fills his memory.

He remembers that he had told her no only further increasing her tears

“Tell me why” She had begged him, distraught as any person would be if the one they had spent almost half their life around did not share the feelings.

It was summer, on the eve of their graduation from the University of York. She had finally confessed to him, after being his best and closest friend for eleven years.

Truthfully, he was happy that she had done so, mostly because he was infatuated with her since day one.

But, when she confessed, those were the first words that came out his mouth.

He had been shocked at himself, at first. But then he noticed his heart was calm, even though he had been nervously trying for eleven years to gather the courage to confess.

But he had already suspected beforehand that he did not love her anymore.

Only when she confessed, did he really confirm the lack of feelings.

Even though he lacked ‘love’, he still loved her as a friend and tried to help her by telling her the truth.

Her response was giving him the scar.

He had told her his biggest secret, one he had even kept from her and his family.

She had called him horrible things, slapped him with sharp nails that scratched and stopped talking to him since then.

As far as he knew, no one else knows his secret.

He had only really figured it out himself on his third year at the University, but he remembered spending time finding out that he had always been that way.

“Oh Lucille, if only you didn’t grow up…”

He whispers wistfully to the air, letting Lucille’s twelve year old self dance around in his mind, before he regains control and smashes a fist into the mirror, breaking glass and skin.

“If only I wasn’t so fucked up”

Sobbing lightly, only partially because of the pain, he slumps to the floor.

He had lost a valuable friend that day; his only one.

Continuing to let the tears drop, he lost track of time till someone called him on his phone.

Ignoring it, he let it go through to voicemail.

“Hey, Ray. Not to be uh dramatic or anything…but you’re kind of late, and well it’s a date and I hope you get here soon” Mary sounds rather angry, but her saddened tone is audible.

Holding in the sobs, he calls her back.

“Hey Ray where are you?” She answers immediately

“I’m sorry Mary, but I’m going to have to call the date off, I just can’t do it”

“…Oh…ok”

She ends the call and Ray drags himself to his feet, grabbing the first aid kit from the cupboard above the sink.

Sterilizing the cuts on his hand, he shuffles off to bed, still sobbing lightly from the pain that memory seared into him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Corner: Well you can tell how happy I am that it is valentines day.....

Funny how there is a valentines event, but i don't think i can actually join it....oh my fiction, what am i doing to you.

Ok, anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you read this on valentines day...My poor lonely heart hurts for you.

-TRUE NORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD