The cold air of the conditioner hit me. I just had to sit on the chair that got hit by the air conditioning. Was it bad luck? No. I was about to meet Abby. If today was a bad luck day then the rest of my life was going to be hell after this.

Yes, there was a time in my life where I didn’t think of Abby all day. It was in middle school. Right as I was hitting puberty and thought more about girls then I did some idol so far away from me she might have not even existed. Except she did exist, in my head.

Sometimes my day would be spent imagining her skin against mine as we lay in bed. A lazy morning turned into the best day of my life. It feels so real. Honestly its the best part of every single day. I wake up confused and happy believing she was by my side.

Most people don’t understand why I'm so obsessed with her. I feel proud that I’m dedicated to Abby. The other guys just treated their idols like a flavor of the week while I spent most of my time watching videos of her, trying to learn more things about her, and following her on her schedule (when I could).

My parents let me be. My friends were also obsessed with other girls in idol groups, so they understood. They gave me the “Abbys slave” nickname though. If that tells you anything.

I never felt like I was the weird person. It just felt normal.

I don’t think it ever went out of control like the others said it did. Some people decided that they wanted to dedicate their lives to fighting cancer (I wasn’t smart enough for that), some wanted to help people suffering (I wasn’t strong enough for that), and some people just really liked something (thats me). Its a good purpose in life. I get to help another person reach a height that would be impossible without my help.

Well. That may sound egoistical, but its true!

She would honestly not be anywhere near her popularity if not for fans like me.

That's why whenever these fan meetings start she always greets the fans with a smile and a thank you. Because she realizes how important we are. She also isn’t like some other idols who would just smile for her fans because that's what they expect. So get that out of your mind. I can tell by the way she seems nervous she means it. The way she smiles and laughs at all the little interactions are signs that she is sincere. I would be able to tell if she wasn’t. How can anybody lie about themselves after you watch 1000+ hours of footage of them. Its impossible.

My entire body got goosebumps. I couldn’t tell if it was because I was about to meet her, or if the air conditioning got colder.

Everybody started to line up. I wanted to be somewhere in the middle.

There was an article in a magazine I read once that said you remembered the beginning and the end better then you remembered anything else. If I messed this up I can be satisfied that she would probably forget, but if I impressed her, then she would just remember me! I liked the risk/benefit ratio.

I was two people away from her.

Blood rushed to my head. My entire body cracked into two. A monster clawed its hand down my throat and was wrenching all my organs out, one by one. I was one person away.

I sat in front of her. Yes! I sat in front of her.

Her hair was dark. It laid perfectly against her shoulders and down her back. Her eyes, they were brown. She smelled like home. A smile brightened her face when she looked at me. I never thought that another person smiling would make me so happy. It was so much better then I thought this would be. I tried to keep my expectations low just in case she hated me. That was so dumb. This could only be better if she decided right now that she would promise eternal devotion to me.

She spoke. “Hey, I think I’ve seen you around.”

To say that she had seen me around, she really must have been an angel. I was always the person who stayed away from her. By that I mean that I loved her, but that I always tried to show my love from a distance. I can’t handle being rejected by her too.

Whenever there was a fan meeting for her group I would always refuse to talk with her.

During her birthday celebration, were she would come and celebrate with a few of her fans, I would try to stay as far away as possible from her. It must have been strange to see me in a corner every time it was her birthday.

She probably thought I hated her. Again, It wasn’t because I hated her. I couldn’t hate her. It was because I wanted her to like me so much that the single thought of her hating me caused me so much anxiety that I would ball up and not move from whatever spot I was in. Why would I ever spend my time talking with her when there was a small chance of her hating me. I would never risk it.

Except. Its not enough. Watching her from a distance, helping her career, enjoying all the moments were she was happy, none of it is enough for me anymore. I need to talk to her. I need her.

“I-I’ve always went t-to your parties and fan meets. I’m a b-big fan!” My heart was beating. That was all I felt. My body was acting on its own and I was far away. “I really want t-to tell you how much I loved your music, and your personality! I want you to know how much you helped me through life! There were so many moments were I was lost and I could only really turn to you.”

Her smile deepened. I could feel her. “Thank you. It always keeps me working hard when I see fans like you. Thank you. I want you to feel like you can turn to me when you’re having a bad day and don’t want to talk to anybody.” She took out her hand. “I appreciate fans like you.” I shook it. In a trillion trillion years even the brightest stars would never feel the happiness that I got holding her hand.

“I want you to love me as much as I love you.” I blurted out. My face turned red.

The security man waiting behind me touched my shoulder. “Times up, come on.” I stood up. My face bright red. She was so surprised from what I said that she didn’t even respond. I could hear her cracked voice greet the next person.

‘Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.’

I kept repeating to myself as I sat back down in my chair. I know everybody around me heard me. They must all think I’m a freak. I don’t care. But its so embarrassing. I don’t care.

If anything this was a good thing! She won’t forget something like this ever. God, this is so embarrassing!