I heard an exaggerated exhalation and then a reply. “Sorry about that, but I do need to make a phone call. I can hook you up with a couple small programs that are meant to be starting items. Didn’t think about it until now. You will have a map that updates based on your experience a compass, and a dagger. Nothing special, but better than nothing. This game doesn’t have any visual based elements, so you will have to make do with a physical copy. The map is interactive like a tablet, and you can even save notes and zoom in and out.”

“Sounds great, just don’t know why you couldn’t give me all of this Starter Gear when I started!” I somehow forgot that a thousand years of man-eating draconic god was sitting wrapped around me as my exasperation caused me to speak at a normal if not slightly elevated level. The dragon stirred a little and I held my breath. Then it farted! The most vial burning tires, mixed with electrical fire smell filled the air as the sound echoed through the cavern. I gagged, and wretched, but somehow kept down my nonexistent lunch. This game is extreme! How had they programmed the smell of a lightning god’s fart? Who even thinks of something like that?

“Alright well use those to explore for a few minutes while I make a call.” Drew said already sounding quieter as he left his desk.

“Don’t be gone too long, I plan on taking this dragon out with this junky copper dagger that you so graciously gave me!” I spoke up a little knowing that he wasn’t waiting on me before he left.

I then turned around and fumbled with my new items, first the copper dagger. It was about a foot and a half long, more like a short sword than a dagger and it was very thick though the forte and the tang. It was heavy and had some silver going down the spine like runes, or maybe just hand writing. Then I realized I could see and wondered what was going on. I lifted my head from my observations and looked into a glowing blue and white eye the size of my head.

I froze and thought, “Maybe it has movement-based vision!” that would be a convenient plot twist. In my shock I had somehow backed up tripping over my chest spilling it open in the process. My dagger (the extent of my meager and useless defenses) fell and clanked against the floor becoming lodged in some matte black metallic rocks under the dragon as its entire body rose and glowed illuminating the cavern with its power. It spread mighty wings in challenge that reached out in either direction for what had to be 200 yards. Then it started crackling with power and its mouth started to spark and ignite with electricity and fire. Seems like a strange time to be excited but I was right about the fire! I stood there frozen as the God of Lightning and making grown men defecate themselves lifted one foot then leaned forward making a slow and deliberate approach as his head reared back and then it stepped on my dagger that was lodged handle down in the rocks.

That is when everything devolved to light, sound like thunder and a pain like nothing I had ever felt.

I just experienced my first fully submersed death, and it was a lot worse than I expected. I thought back to all the Italian plumbers I had ran into flying hammers and cringed as the darkness consumed me.

I came to groggy and disoriented and checking my map finding that I was still in the exact same cave. At least I could have been re-spawned in a safe zone or something. I thought as I noticed the singed edges on my map and smelled burned hair as I noted the dead rat a few feet away, under a flickering and sputtering blue light that illuminated most of the cavern.

I grabbed my forehead with both hands feeling disoriented and sat up. I was sitting, basically where I was when I died, directly behind my opened chest. An old pair of ugly carpenter jeans laying on the ground between me and the chest.

Congratulations! You have found the third piece of Lucky Clothing! This pair of jeans is extremely handy, whether you are carrying a carpenter pencil, a protractor, or a hammer there are plenty of pockets to choose from! They are very durable, and cannot be punctured, though they provide no added armor a 100% resistance to puncture damage will be added to the portion of the body under the clothing. You are going to be the coolest guy around in these stylish jeans and remember you Can’t Bust Em!

I was about to be walking around as a dragonborn, in a world with dragons, wearing jeans that had a doll in the advertisements 20 years ago. Great, now I could be made fun of for my incredible combat skills, and my trendy fashion sense.

You have been awarded you first experience! For slaying the Mighty Dragon God Zekros as a level 1 character you have received 20,000,000 XP! You have also received a revered status with any villager within 100 miles of the cave. To the victor go the spoils! Collect any dropped items from the dragon before you leave. Congratulations you have leveled up! You are now level, wait a second is this right? Yep math works out, level 100! You have new options available! As you gained several points in combat skills through this encounter, I have taken the liberty of allocating those unused points to your only available combat skill. Good luck on your journey, and remember with great power comes, well you wouldn’t know, would you?

“Level 100?” How did that happen? Didn’t I just die?

“Can someone explain this to me?” I asked the dead rat.

“For help simply ask a question and it will be answered.” Came a reply in the same disembodied voice that gave me my in-game prompts.

“What happened just before I died?” I asked.

“Invalid question, as you haven’t died yet.” Came a deadpan reply.

“Well what happened just before everything went black?” I retorted, what does she mean I haven’t died yet, this is one seriously glitchy game.

“The Dragon God Zekros was preparing his most powerful attack, Annihilation Blast which is meant to destroy even immortals and consume their very soul. Once begun he cannot stop the attack as it will backfire and consume him. At this point he stepped forward in order to release the attack at point blank range stepping on your dagger which you staged in the deposit of graphene just over there.” The disembodied voice switched to just over my shoulder somehow conveying a location.

Looking over I could see a puddle of copper laying over black stones that seemed to consume light.

“Does graphene occur naturally here?” I asked dumbfounded as to how that much graphene could be in one place.

“Of course, that is why Zekros chose this cavern to stay in, it allows his attacks to be twice as powerful.” She replied in a sarcastic tone.

“That still doesn’t explain why I am alive and level 100, and why Zekros was killed by a tiny copper dagger that I got from my starting gear!” I retorted, thinking about all the times I told my phone to shut up, and realizing that this was its retribution.

“I will give you the long answer, so you will stop asking so many questions. Zekros’ physical make up was unique to allow him to wield incredible amounts of electricity. He grew a thick insulation layer that shields him from any negative potential so that he could build up megavolts of potential. He also consumed and assimilated two huge magical crystals that vibrate quickly allowing massive amounts of electricity to build up through the piezoelectric effect. He would store his potential in his large teeth that acted as capacitors. Your dagger was enchanted to have zero electrical resistance, causing it to channel electricity-based magic perfectly. It penetrated through Zekros’ insulation and into his flesh causing his entire body to become grounded and discharge all of the stored-up energy through his entire body out of his left foot and into the ground. The current flowed passed his hearts and caused all of them to stop. He took on massive amounts of electrical damage, and magical damage as the spell backfired. He then was caught on fire as a deposit of methane caught fire near by and burned away the remainder of his meager health.” The voice then made a sound like it was inhaling, I assume to just freak me out, and then went silent.

“Pizza electric effect? What are you talking about? Are you saying that the almighty Zekros’ greatest weakness was a bumbling idiot carrying a copper dagger, and an especially flammable fart?” I asked unbelieving.

“Well yes, that is pretty much the gist of it. Piezoelectric effect describes the buildup of potential caused by the stretching and contracting of crystals. You should probably know that one, as it isn’t exclusive to this reality.” She finished in her best condescending know-it-all voice. “And since you took down a dragon god that didn’t even have a defined level because it was too powerful to be limited to stat boundaries you were granted a very large bonus amount of XP. If it helps make it any more believable for you it was a critical hit.”

“Why were you quiet until this point?” I asked the actual force that maintained my world.

“I was being intercepted and recorded by your friend Drew, and I didn’t want to interrupt your bromance.” She replied.

“Are you going to communicate with all of the player characters or just me because I am in early testing?” I asked starting to get curious.

“I will talk when I desire but will let you figure things out on your own for the most part. This is a complex world with lots of danger and treasure. With great risk comes great reward, but don’t risk too much no treasure is worth years of torture or the torture of those that you love.” She replied and then I got the distinct impression that the conversation was over, and I was by myself again.

No more arguments out of me, looks like I need to root around in some dragon remains and find some magical electricity stones. Then I need to make my way out of here and find a place to stash them. I also need to get some of its hide to make myself some electrically insulated boots and gloves, those might come in handy. Time to look around a little more.