Chapter 1

It remained in darkness, staring into the empty void ever since it had arrived here. Well, it wasn’t sure where ‘here’ was. It knew it should be somewhere, should it? It didn’t know anything besides the emotions that had welled up in it the first time arrived, they were overwhelming, numbing at its mind even now.

It didn’t know when, or where for that matter, but there had been a beginning. This endless landscape of emptiness had started somewhere, yet with each passing moment it seemed more and more likely that the void was endless. The only thing that had kept it occupied was the feeling that there was more to the beginning, that a beginning meant and end, and an end meant an escape.

So, it focused more and more on the beginning, recollecting what it had felt, thought and seen.

The most precious thing it had, the only thing that resided in its mind besides the maelstrom of emotions, the only thing that gave it any stability.

The clearest picture it had ever seen, a myriad of colours, outlining something akin to a red stripe with a white background, the perfect outlining blackened by the new-born’s inept sight, and the line between the clear white and deep red was as beautiful as it was blurry.

It did not know whether it was blurry or sharp, beautiful or ugly, it was the only thing it knew aside from the instincts that haunted its mind. They would continuously call out different emotions, fear of the void, uncertainty to what it was, dread for being unable to see more of the red and white that contrasted against the uniform blackness, and a will. A will to keep the picture, a will to retain the crystal-clear outlining, a will to immortalize.

Yet with time passing, the being came to know the concept of ‘blur’, as the crystal-clear picture become more and more what it was, a blur of colours mashed together by either a child or a modern artist.

An untold amount of time passed, and the dark outlining continued to encroach on the white, enveloping it in the never-ending void that had surrounded it since it came here. The picture continued disappearing, making the instincts roar louder and louder as the only thing that tethered it to the beginning of this endless expanse was fading away.

Its instincts screamed for it to do something, yet it didn’t know what. It did all it could to retain the picture, yet the edges were blackened by the void around it, it encroached upon the only thing that it knew, and it tried to make it disappear.

An emotion welled up inside that it hadn’t felt in a long time, yet it reminded it of the beginning. It felt the fear that had cut its breath short, it felt the uncertainty that had elicited its wails, and it felt the despair that had caused it all, the despair that had made him forget everything but the picture.

It was frightened of the despair, yet it was the thing closest to the beginning, it was even closer than the picture, closer than anything was. For it, despair was the beginning, and it ran away from it.

Yet, beyond the beginning that was only an empty void, so it stood at a crossroad. It would either plunge itself into the emptiness of the void, never feeling anything, never seeing anything but the contrast of the fading blurry picture, never touching anything but the vacant darkness.

Or, it could reach beyond, experiencing the myriad of colours it desired, the despair it feared, the uncertainty it dreaded, and the thoughts that it loved.

‘Thoughts? What is… thoughts?’

It didn’t know what, yet something drove it on to go to these thoughts. It slowly approached the beginning, it felt the fear, uncertainty, dread and despair that accompanied the beginning.

Yet the closer it came, the more the beginning seemed to shift. It changed, it shifted from the collective fear that numbed his consciousness to something else. Feelings that were foreign yet natural washed over it, it enjoyed the ecstasy from fleeting drumbeats, it flinched at the creeping frost, it tingled at the warm rays of light, and it startled at the sudden enlightenment it gained at the centre of the beginning, the true origin of it.

Its mind was flooded with a sudden comprehension of the things it felt, it was suddenly more than a bundle of uncontrolled emotions and instincts, it gripped the maelstrom of unbridled desires and with a push of its mind, it broke apart.

The raging instincts and wayward emotions broke apart like a cloud formation, letting the thoughts he had longed for shine through upon his mental landscape.

The beginning widened and widened as the new emotions, sensations, impulses, as everything washed over him. The void stood solemnly behind him, looming over him like the ever-present vacancy of sensations it was.

He walked through the beginning, and entered a whole new world of emotions, urges, theories, concepts, and desires. The small repertoire of sensations he had gained at the beginning couldn’t compare to what he was feeling at this moment, he had never felt these sharp sensations, one body part in particular was overwhelmed by the new environment as it inhaled quickly, trying to ban the new itching prickles, only to receive a larger dose than before.

Panic set in, and it acted on instinct.

It wailed as loud as it could, trying to call for help. He didn’t know what it did, yet he let it continue.

He watched as the ball of emotions and instincts acted on its own, muddling his mind with fear and uncertainty, yet he let it retain control. He didn’t know what to do, it did.

Instead, he entertained himself with questions about basically everything. Who or what was he, where was he and, how did he know all of this?

The question that had plagued him since the moment he had been able to think. The thoughts were all supported by one thing or another, yet he didn’t know where that information came from. He didn’t know what a he was, nor did he know why he called it an it.

What was the difference between them? Was he himself because he could think? Then, what were these ‘thoughts’? Could it learn about these thoughts as well? Could it become a he like him, or would it always stay an it?

His thoughts were becoming more and more jumbled, until it suddenly stopped wailing.

He stopped his thoughts and looked. He saw something wonderful, he saw colours again.

It had opened the window to that colourful place again, letting the light stream in like a river.

‘I should really ask it how it does that, I want to see more.’

He looked towards the large tree that loomed over them, towards the green that surrounded him and it, and towards the dark night sky that stretched above everything, providing a spectacle to behold with its thousands upon thousands of sparkling lights.

‘This is better than the emptiness, way better.’

He was mesmerized by the dark expanse, he had no idea how long he had spent in the void, yet he felt like all that anguish, all that emotionless vacancy had been replaced by the lights dotting the sky, warding over him like a doting mother.

‘Wait… What is a mother? And, do I have one?’

His thoughts grinded to a halt as he saw why it had stopped wailing. It wasn’t because of the night sky, it was because something loomed over them. It had silver grey hair, a dark complexion, eyes that matched his hair, and an expression full of shock.

He returned the aghast expression of the man above him with one himself. He hadn’t seen anything like it, was it the same as him and it? Or was it something else?

Curiously enough, it wasn’t affected by the man looming over them the same way he was, instead it was overjoyed. It squealed in delight, reaching their arms out and grabbing for the man.

This action prompted he to break out of his stupor and look at it with shock.

‘Why is he doing that? Isn’t this dangerous? Well, it seems to be working, so let’s go along with it.’

He let it go about its way, as it seemed that it knew what is was doing. Fortunately, it did.

The large man stammered something, before picking them up and taking them inside the colourful space. His long arms swung them like leaves on the wind, causing both he and it to wail as they were shaken up by the man carrying them.

They quickly arrived at what seemed to be a cage with a blanketed floor, yet before they could be put into said cage, another voice resounded through the room.

The man quickly turned, much to their dismay, yet salvation wasn’t far away, as the turn revealed their saint.

A woman stood in the doorway, glaring angrily at the man, but the moment she saw them, her expression changed from anger, to shock, to sadness, and finally, to delight.

She stormed over, grabbing them out of his hands gently, before glaring at the man.

She spoke in a hurried gibberish, scolding the man and leaving both he and it stunned at the situation. He was crestfallen, as he could only hope that she wasn’t mad at them, that she wouldn’t leave them.

‘Wait, why am I afraid? Why am I scared of her leaving?’

Question invaded the mind, as he tried to comprehend what he was feeling, while it had already moved on, giggling at the woman and reaching for her face.

The woman’s face seemed very pleasant, yet tired. Her eyes were half-closed, bags had formed under her eyes, and it was clear that she had been crying by her bloodshot eyes.

He didn’t know how, but he knew that she was sad. He didn’t know why she was sad, tired or bloodstained, but he wanted to thank her, so they did their best to get her attention, to cheer her up.

He didn’t know where to start, yet it was, again, already a step ahead of him. It stretched their arms out again, grabbing for the woman and making soft sulking noises. He realized once again that it was a natural at this kind of stuff, the woman noticed their efforts, and her anger melted. Her stoic behaviour and angry expression changed to a gentle smile accompanied by soft whispers as she quietly made her way over to the cage.

The rhythmic beating along with the sway of her step caused them to become drowsy, he noticed that he was slowly drifting away. It wasn’t like an endless drift in the void, it was more like a gentle push into inactivity, a feathery fall from being invaded by thoughts, question and answers, to a place where the mind would be free from its shackles and where it could enjoy the most ludicrous of theories and the vaguest of drawings come to live.

Yet before they drifted off to sleep, the woman surprised them once more.

She reached down, lowering her face towards theirs.

Her lips touched their forehead, and a feeling of delight spread throughout their body. It was giggling like a maniac, reaching for the woman above them once again.

He only grew more and more faint after her kiss, he did not know why, yet he accepted the woman looming over him. It joined him, and they together accepted the woman looming over them continuing her gentle whispers, they accepted her as their protector, their haven, their mother. They had no idea who she was, why she was so kind to them, nor if she would continue to do so, yet they had unanimously decided that she was the one they would love, she was the safe-haven to where they would run if things went downhill, she was their mother.

He might not have known it, yet he had gotten all he asked for. He was there, He had retained who he was. He had come to live once again.