Norman the doorman

That’s a lot of bang bang. Come to thinks of it, the doorman of Fire place, must have to open the door soooooo much.

Knocking offstage.

(Giggling, pronounces the ‘k’) Knock, knock, knock! Who’s there in big bad devil’s name? The grower dude who yoinked his own life away cause grain izz cheap? (To imaginary farmer) You’re timing iz impekapple. I hope you have snot ragz, sweat rags? I hope you gots loads of hankys. You’se gonna need s’em.

Knocking offstage.

Knock knock knock! Who iz it? In the name of the udder big bad devil dude? Maybe it’s some smooth as silk, two-faced ho that lied under oath. You can’t lie to God dummybutt, welcome to Heck for perjury, my dude.

Knocking offstage.

Knock knock knock! State your name? Maybe its some English dude bro tailor who skimped on fabric for peoples clothes, but now zat peops are wearing those ridiculous scanty tight pants, he can’t do that no more. Don’t worry Taylor the tailor, we take all types here

Knocking off stage.

Knock knock knock, No rest for the wicked, who be you? Eh this place is way to cold to be hell. I’m bored of that game now. Too bad, I had butcher, baker and a candlestick maker waiting in line.

Knocking offstage.

I’m coming, I’m coming, don’t forget to tip you’re friendly Norman, doorman! Er You’re friendly Doorman Norman.

Norman opens the gate.

Macduff and Lennox enter.

Macduff

You ain’t been sleeping well, have you my dude?

Norman

Darn tootin, we was drinking till 3 in the morning. And drinking makes a man do three things my dude.

Macduff

Oh? And what are they?

Norman

It makes your face red, your eyes tired and your trousers smell like pee. And oh how it loves to flip the lust switch. What I mean is ser, to put it nicely. It makes you wanna bang while it wants to hang. You got me? It gets you but keeps you from getting off, if you know what I mean. Too much drink is like a stripper, it makes you come to attention, but won’t let you uh show your appreciation. It negs you so hard, bringing you up and knocking you down. Sorry is this too subtle for you? What I’m trying to say is it makes you horny but your horn doesn’t get the message. And you end up just needing to pee. Ya feel me?

Macduff

I’d rather not, but I understand you. You definitely got wasted last night.

Norman

Yes sir, I am high as a bird of prey. Hit me right in the throat it did, but I’m too strong for it. My legs were wobbling like jello and my stomach didn’t appreciate that so I vommited up and knocked it right on its bumbum.

Macduff

Is Macbaby awake?

Macb enters.

Our knocking woke him, here he comes.

Lennox

Good morning noble Macdaddy.

Macb

Goob morning to youse two.

Macduff

Is the king up, my wicked rad dudebro?

Mac B

Nah fam, he’s out.

Macduff

He told me to wake him early, and I nearly slept right through it.

Macb

I’ll take you to him, my dude.

Macduff

I know how hard it is to host him, its a great honor but that don’t make it convenient.

Macduff exits.

Lennox

Is the king ducking out today?

Macb

So I’ve heard my dude.

Lennox

The weather here is wack Macbro. The wind blew down the smoke holes where we snoozed. I’ve heard some brosephs saying the heard weird cries, like people were in grief or dying. The more superstitious ones say that brings bad tidings. The owl went hoot hoot all night. Some people say the earth shook like it was sick. I bet it was. Doesn’t that sound rad?

Mac B

Yeah, my dude it was a rough night.

Lennox

I’m too baby-faced to remember anything like it.

Macduff enters upset.

Macduff

Oh the horror, this tragedy is beyond imagining!

Mac B & Lennox

Whats up?

Macduff

Something truly horrible has happened! The king ate a loaf of bread! With Jam! (Pause) Oh and he’s been murdered.

Macb

What?! (exaggerated and poorly acted) no it can’t be!

Lennox

Macbabes is right, everyone loves the king, who would do something so heinous!

Macduff

Maybe someone who saw the king’s true gluten ingesting treachery!? (Implying eating bread makes the murder justifiable).

Macb and Lennox exit.

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey! Scandel! Blasphemy! King Duncan ate bread! Next he’ll eat red meat, the treacherous traitor committing his villainous acts! Wake up Malcolm and Banquo witness the supposedly ‘woke’ AF king lying dead surrounded by the crumbs of his lies and treachery.

A bell rings. Enter Lady Mac B.

Lady Macabee (looking Dishelved, but the ‘it took me three hours to look like I just got out of bed’ kind of look.)

Ugh, it’s too early for this, I’m trying to enjoy my snoozles. What’s with the racket?

Macduff

(Laying it on THICK) Oh, poor dear, my tea isn’t fit for such womanly ears. As a man I must protect your womanly heart from this horrible, spicy leaf juice.

Banquo enters.

Aye! Banquo, dude, check this boiling hot tea, get out the napkins cause I’m about to spill this piping shizz absolutely effin everywhere, yo. The king ate bread.

Lady Macb

No effin way, in my house, ah hells no! Bout to beat this boi’s gluten filled “B’’

Banquo

This tea is horrid no matter where it’s spilled. Dear Macduff you better be straight fronting with me.

Mac B and Lennox reenter with Ross.

Mac B

Oh, why does god hate me so much that he makes me live through this absolute horror! My life is over, nothing could ever make me happy again, not even being king myself! My wicked rad dude bro of a cousin was found dead in my house! How will I live! His bloods been yoinked from his blood highways and yeeted on to the floor!

Malcolm and Donny B. Enter.

Donny B.

(Yawning) What’s up, brosephs?

Mac Bad Actor

(Wraps him in a hug sobbing into his shoulder) Oh you poor dude child, you don’t even know the horror that has be fallen you!

Donny B. Looks at him, slowly, pats him on the back and looks at the others for more details.

Macduff

Your royal father has been (Sniffles) found eating (struggles to get the words out) Gluten.

(Lennox slaps the back of his head)

Dead, your father has been found dead.

Malcolm

What happened?

Lennox

It seems the that the guards did it. Their hands were covered in blood and their knives were found in the pillows covered in blood. They looked hella stoned. Nobody shoulda trusted their lives with em.

Mac B

Still, I probs shouldn’ta killed them.

Macduff

You did what?

Mac bad liar

Who the eff knows, I straight went rapid. I ain’t never been the one to seeth quietly my broseph, y’all oughta know this by nows. I loved Dunny so much, I saw red and then they were dead. And Duncan’s dead, and I’m still alive and the pain is unbearable. I only did what anyone who truly LOVED Duncan would have done.

Lady Mac Bad Liar

(As the name implies) I need to nope outta here, I can’t handle this wild wicked shizz. (‘Faints’ very slowly and carefully, keeps peeking noticeably to see if anyone is checking on her)

Malcolm

(So only Donny B can hear him) Dude, say something, your father is dead in the next room.

Donny B.

(Speaking only to MALCOLM) What should I say? Besides we should leave soon. Whoever killed OUR daddy, might be waiting to yeet us too. We can cry later.

Malcolm

(Aside to Donny B.) We can’t do jack to anyone about nutten.

Lady Mac Bad actor flails on the ground to get attention while still pretending to be fainted.

Banquo

Take care of the lady.

Lady Mac B is carried out.

HMU after we both get some clothes on. We gots to try and figure out this unrad wickedly bloody crime. (Sanctimoniously) Right now we are so scared by fear and doubts. I’m putting myself in the hands of the best boi imaginable the all knowing God, and with his help I intend to work against that evil dude that committed this wild treason.

Macduff

(Unprepared) Uh, same bro.

All

Uh yeah definitely.

Mac B

Let’s get dressed wicked fast and meet up in the hall.

All

Sure bro.

Everyone exits except Malcolm and Donny B.

Malcolm

What are you gonna do? We shouldn’t stay here with them. Liars are everywhere bro, I’ll head to England.

Donny B.

Darn, I wanted to go there. Fine I’ll go to Ireland. We’ll be safer apart, and I wanna find a leprechaun. Wherever we go, we’ll be hunted. Especially by our closest relatives.

Malcolm

We’ll be safer not to tell anyone else, let’s yeet ourselves outta here. Nothing good will come from hanging around.

They exit.