Sachihiro

I am a leaf without a tether blown about by the wind I realise as I come into myself spiritually while simultaneously losing awareness and consciousness physically. I’m not sure what these fae are supposed to be doing to me but there is a distinct feeling of movement and vertigo associated with it yet I am certain that physically I haven’t budged from where I lie on the strangely comfortable stone table.

There is a connection of some sort with my spirit energy and a completely neutral consciousness that can do nothing but observe but it does it so well, this observation. Very well and as it observes me I could either observe it back or observe myself through it I immediately feel; I choose myself.

Sinking further into the sensation of movement I feel myself losing all reference of direction and orientation before my consciousness somehow surfaces like the head of a nymph from a still pond. I’m surprised at what I find within myself and immediately wonder whether this is how Makin sees people with the strange uncanny eyes of his/hers. I am an observer looking at myself through this altar Makin has me lying on, I think I'm looking at my spirit form.

My spirit-body is a corner-less, featureless humanoid creature with shifting hues of colours within that seem to be fighting for dominance one hue over the other. The is a visible aura of peace and power that looks like a mist around the form slowly fading away as it disperses from the body to the surroundings the further from the source it gets.

I don’t know where I am, I am a bodiless observer somehow looking down at my true self from the perspective of the stone I know myself to be lying on. There is no nose, no eyes, no mouth, no features distinguishing the front and the back of the body I’m looking at. It’s just a shape, a tall beautiful humanoid shape that seems to me to be perfect yet the proportions of the arms relative to the body are visibly longer than is usual amongst other little irregularities.

The colours I have never before seen with the naked eye seem to be making a slight low pitched sound as they shift around the body from one place to another constantly and quickly. I am beautiful to look at, attractive in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with aesthetics yet somehow unquestionable to any that would see my spirit form.

The is a strange misty effect like there was in the dream in the spirit plane where I was gaining dominance over Airell and met with Zillah officially for the first time.

Makin somehow takes the reins of the observation coming in through the mists like some invisible hand of a god. I feel him/her/it distinctly as I/the altar move to get a clearer look at myself from this perspective outside myself. The sensations are interpreted to me as sight, sound, movement, scent, feel, aura, awareness, taste and touch but there is no actual physical body for me to feel, taste, touch anything from. The only body present in this place is the beautiful body of my spirit being observed.

As we study me further from a single moment to another we look thoroughly, and even as I observe myself a slightly more distinctly masculine form is being assumed by my spirit-body. There is a slight shift in the set of the shoulders, the shape of the arms and legs, the texture of the aura that says ‘male’.

I don’t really notice any of it happen but I know it does and I know it has something to do with a realisation I’ve just had within myself that I am literally looking at my true Self. The very realisation changed something within me so fundamentally that the shape of my spirit literally changed to accommodate this new way I thought of myself.

There are foreign added influences within my spirit-form but none have had any significant impact on what I currently am, the form of my spirit-body. There is power within these influences, power I can tap into even but it’s not my power rather power supplied from an outside source and to tap into them is to allow them to shape me somehow. A lure that many fall victim to for to not use an available source of power is foolish, but to use borrowed power without knowing the full price is also foolish. Time literally has no meaning here as one moment to the next is as the moment before or the moment after.

All that keeps changing is my perspective of myself and though mostly everything is consistent there are moments when the new perspective allows for a shift in thinking and a shift in the distribution of the ever-changing hues of power flowing within me. Makin is very good at whatever he is doing as I realise that my spirit-body cannot be really shaped from without but only from within. Thus it is I that is changing myself as I see what I am and wonder what I could become, not the sidhe changing me.

More time passes or no time passes but I somehow identify some of the sources of the influences within me. There is power within me coming from the goddess of wisdom Sapientia, but before and beneath that there is power permeated throughout my spirit-form that comes from a curse, a curse meant to reduce my people to the state of mindless savage beasts and this has distinctly shaped the texture and thickness of my spirit-body but little else.

A spirit-body that isn’t even physically present the realisation comes and I’m suddenly aware of how vulnerable this form is, how I’m like a mist being held together by some magnetic force and a strong enough wind could just scatter me completely. Yet how then do I have skin, if what I feel is skin. How does it have a texture I can clearly feel with my awareness? What are the other influences that have so far shaped the form my spirit-body has taken?

There is influence coming from what I am, a human being, and the lineage or passed down implications of that heritage. Beyond even that though I exist not in any understandable shape or form, at least not in any form I currently understand. Here I'm not shaped by any of my physical experiences in life but transcending being a human being to just Being.

Even here though there are influences coming from sources I can’t identify that have shaped and continue to shape what I perceive as my current form. I try to identify all that has had a hand in shaping what I now perceive and there are a few minor things here and there. My connection to mana, the passage of time on Gaia, the minor paths of my Awakening, having children, killing sapient beings, the things I eat.

As Makin looks closely at my form somehow with me as a passenger I see what he/she sees as the threats of my spirit body seem woven together by everything I have ever experienced. Every single minor thing seems to have had a place within this body in some form. But looking he quickly loses interest and I’m pulled away to some of the greater influences of this young strange body that doesn’t seem to yet know what it wants to become.

These stronger influences are more noticeable, deeper, more influential to who I am. The deeply rooted Rage that looks so beautiful now in this perfect balance somehow establish by my spirit form. The density of my spirit-body is largely due to this Rage that has kept it protected and fed when a normal human’s spirit body would have been exposed. Barbarians are more spiritually mature than most human beings due to the Rage curse, those that survive it anyways.

There are other interesting things influencing my spirit body that Makin glosses over as he looks even further at these lights struggling to get within me and find purchase, changing me as they see fit. There are three main issues I immediately identify and wonder about. Influence coming to me from Sapientia, less dominate influence coming to me from Erotica, influence coming to me from Om’s own spirit body.

There is a variety of other curiosities and interesting paths Makin and I could explore further like the slight influence coming into me from the various spirit creatures I’m connected to, or the great power that is coming from my connection to Honour. But it’s Sapientia, Erotica and Om that seem to be fighting for dominance over me, and somehow Erotica is being pushed out. A side effect of which is that part of my spirit body leaking into the physical world as it is dispelled from me. What I've been experiencing is a spirit-body fever.

I’m both happy and terrified that the ritual worked, ancient spells, wards, runes and words I have been learning from a Lilithian creature of the underworld that has spent untold amount of time trapped in the spirit plane. I creature that once tried to kill me, a creature I tried to kill in turn. I don’t know why honour trusts Zillah as she has since being stranded in the Daarkside with her but I trust Honour, and so far everything I’ve gotten from them and vetted through Sapientia has been accurate.

The mostly lost Barbarian rite of hinanden , to become one with another, has been working into and through me. The threads of my spirit are tightly wound with those of Om’s spirit intimately so that if he dies I die and if ever I die he will wish he was dead. A state of weakness with no apparent benefit for many years as it grows slowly, an investment of hundreds of years ahead, thousands. When someday we become one being, and then the worlds will tremble as I become Om and Om becomes me. As the one with the inferior position in the ritual though I know we will mostly become Om.

A necessary sacrifice as I look at the long game if we survive the coming years, and woe to any that will stand in our way when we complete our merger. If we survive.