scott street's gilded lily

✧

or the first time, Rue Newby wants to be alone.

The warmth that comes from having someone around and there for you has always been something she craved. It is the child within her that yearns for it, for love and sympathy.

During her time in California, Jonathan was her favourite company; every time he'd pick her up after therapy, even if he was stoned or with Argyle, she'd cherish every minute of it. They used to make mixtapes together, and Jonathan would take Rue out to dinner once a week, just the two of them. Because they had this quiet acknowledgement that even if their lives fell apart, they'd still have each other.

Sure, El and Will had always been the ones Rue gravitated toward in Lenora Hills, but Jonathan was different because he gets it. He understands her and pays attention. He copes and thinks in the same manner that she does. Rue enjoys making fun of the fact that they are the same person, even though Jonathan does not want her to be anything like him.

She stares at her mud-covered shoes before tucking her knees to her chest. Rue hugs her legs, realizing she misses her older brother and the rest of her family. Her eyes barely blink, and they start to burn. Tears sting in them, and she sits still, never moving while her mind can't seem to stop the racing tracks of thoughts.

She wants to go home.

I never even wanted to be here, she thinks, I didn't ask for this. I never asked for any of this. I only wanted to see my friends again. I only wanted to find myself again.

Rue begins to overthink everything, divided between what she should and should not feel. Everyone around her is aware of her secret, and everything has changed. She wants to believe it's not her fault, but the guilt that knots her stomach makes her doubt herself.

Maybe it is my fault. If I had been stronger... If I had said something sooner... maybe then...

Rue then questions whether she is being ignorant by dismissing everyone else's feelings. At the same time, she's sick of imagining herself in everyone else's shoes and wondering how she could help them when no one ever asked. Nobody cares to consider her feelings.

Rue believes she's being selfish for thinking that way. She's sure they care... she likes to assume they care.

She knows she can always tap into their consciousness to check if they care, but Rue doesn't think she can live with herself knowing she's abused her skills in the same way her mother did. And if she discovers they don't care... that will sting much more.

Rue buried her cheek against her knees and stared out the window. Her denim jeans' rough fabric digs at her bandages, causing her to wince and blink away the tears in her eyes.

Hasn't she given enough? Isn't everything she's done for them enough? Everything she's lost?

Is she enough?

Will she ever be enough?

Will she ever be anything other than a liability? A jinx, a liar, a traitor, a monster?

They all suspect her of being untrustworthy, and she doesn't blame them. Rue isn't sure she trusts herself either, yet it still hurts.

Rue sits alone, hoping in the back of her mind that Nancy will approach her and forgive her, and they will hug, and everything will return to normal. Because as much as Rue missed Jonathan, she also missed Nancy, and while the girl wasn't that far away, it felt like they were standing on opposite sides of the world.

But Nancy now only thinks of Rue as the girl who's destined to betray them, who killed all the innocent people in the study of the Creel's house, as the girl who killed Billy and... Sky.

Rue wipes her eyes with the heels of her palms and sucks in a quiet breath, hoping not to catch any unwanted attention to herself. When she thinks of Sky Butcher, she's reminded of all those nights when she never grieved for her friend. And it wasn't as if she ever had time to, anyway, not while she's spent all her time in California trying to numb the pain and forget the life she left behind in Hawkins.

She feels sharp anguish in her chest because everyone has forgotten about Sky. When people think of Starcourt, they think of Billy because of his relationship with Max, but Sky was left to rot alone and forgotten until her name became a ghostly mention and was never mentioned again.

Rue quickly falls into a pit of self-loathing.

Sky was her friend who had been unlucky enough to become entangled in Hawkins' monsters. Her death confirmed to Rue that she was cursed, as she continued to screw everything up and ruin everyone else's lives.

First, it was her mother, Ava, then her father, Sky's, Billy's, Max's, and the list continues, involving people she'd never met before and family members who had awoken one morning to find their child, spouse, or parent had died in an abandoned house deep in the outskirts of Hawkins.

Rue was a fucking jinx.

"Hey," Someone sits before her, their voice familiar. It tears Rue away from the haunting thoughts in her mind, and the voice is calm, cool and collected despite what is occurring.

Rue is immediately reminded of her surroundings. She recalls sitting in the back of a mobile home hijacked by Eddie Munson and Ricky Maguire shortly after the group devised a strategy to overthrow Vecna. They're travelling out of town to a store brimming with military weapons to stock up, where they'll almost certainly pay out using Steve Harrington's debit card.

Rue hasn't said anything since they departed, choosing to remain silent because she doesn't want to be a bother. She doesn't want to jeopardize the group's remaining trust by opening her big mouth and saying the wrong thing. So she sits quietly, doubting Henry's ability to be killed by bullets, but she never says anything out, merely thinking it to herself.

Max is the one who sits in front of Rue, her headphones are sitting on her shoulders, and she has a stupid smile on her face, which makes Rue stare at her in confusion.

"Hi?" She answers, and her voice is raspy.

"Here," Max is strangely giddy, and she's biting her lower lip between her teeth as she hands Rue something wrapped in tin foil. "Ricky sends his regards," She leans closer to her face, whispering in a childish manner. Max is oblivious to how the short space between them makes Rue swallow thickly, and she pokes Rue's side playfully before tilting her head to the side, "Don't let Nancy Drew see."

At the lack of space, Rue can smell the chocolate off Max's breath, the sweet scent laced with something much less pleasant. She grimaces, leaning away from her and glances at Ricky.

The boy sits between Eddie and Lucas, letting the metalhead lean his head on his shoulder as he sleeps and his arm thrown over Lucas's shoulder. Ricky perks up when he catches Rue's gaze, and he smirks, sending a lazy two-finger salute her way and a wink towards Max, aware of the red-haired girl blushing at his action.

Rue rolls her eyes at this, and she starts to unwrap the tin foil. She has a good guess about what she will find, and Rue almost wants to scoff after she finds a half-eaten brownie in her hands.

"I ate some of it," Max admits. "Only a little tiny bit, though. Like this little," She holds up her hand, her thumb and pointer finger showing how little she swears she's eaten, but when Rue looks down at the brownie again, it's clear Max ate more than just a bite.

"Just a little?"

Max sighs, "Like, half an hour ago... before we left. I asked Ricky if he had anything to help me—you... us relax... or whatever, and he pulled this out of Eddie's fridge. Said I should leave some for you, too. I don't feel any different, though. Should I feel something?" She asks, slowly becoming breathless, and when Rue tries to answer, Max cuts her off, reaching for the desert again, "Maybe I should take another bite. I already took a second bite like five minutes ago but..."

"I think you're fine," Rue can't bite back the smile growing on her face as she stares at Max, putting the brownie away from her reach. "You don't need more."

"You know, I'm really glad you're here with me," Max's voice drops. She's looking down at her hands, where her fingers are twirling the wires of her headphones. "And that you're not going to the Upside Down... and I know... it's like super complicated and you wanna feel helpful but... I guess, in a selfish way... I want you with me."

"Max..."

"I know it's like, super fucked up too," she continues, her brows furrowing as she shakes her head, "Like, I just found out you're a henchman for Vecna, who's literally trying to kill me and I still... I still want you by my side."

Rue remains quiet, unable to form words or any coherent thought. Instead, she hopes her eyes speak for her, that the way she reaches to hold Max's hand says more than enough.

Max grasps Rue's hand tightly, and she sucks in a shaky breath before looking at Rue again. "This is gonna sound, like, ridiculously cheesy... but out of everything Nancy said... the thing that scared me the most was the thought of you leaving again."

"That's what you're afraid of?" Rue frowns when Max nods. "You're not scared of the thought that the plan might not work and might die? Because that's what I'm scared of. I mean, I don't even know how to remote-travel, and what if I get there too late? What if you're trapped in this nightmare with Vecna and I can't get in? What if he pushes me out again? What if..."

"Rue, it's okay," Max tells her, but Rue shakes her head and looks away.

"No, it's not."

"I know what I'm up against, and I know what I signed up for." Max's voice is stern, yet her eyes are still clouded. "I know how Vecna does his attacks, all right? He uses my memories against me. Uses my fears to scare me or something. But... only my darkest fears... my darkest memories... It's like he only sees the darkness in us. So... I'll just run in the opposite direction. Run to the light. And maybe he won't be able to find me there."

"How do you plan on doing this?"

"Having you around will help," Max pokes her side again, "But it's my mind, you know? Not his. So I should be able to control where I am, I just need to push him away, find a happy memory and hide there. Hide in the light."

"That's so biblical," Rue mumbles. "And it makes me wonder why your favourite song is the one about wanting to know what it feels like to be a man during sex."

Max stiffens, her cheeks reddening as she's caught off guard. "What? That's not what it's about."

Rue snickers, "Yes, it is. Swap our places, you know, so the girl knows what it's like to have a penis slide in and out-"

"God, Rue, stop it," Max groans, and she lets go of Rue's hand. "That's disgusting."

"But it's a good question," Rue defends herself. "What does it feel like to be aroused as a man? What does a boner feel like? Does it hurt? Is it heavy? Are they as horny as girls are? So many questions that Kate Bush wrote a song about it."

"Stop," Max is covering her hands over her face. "Stop it!"

"I'm sorry," Rue says, but she's not. She doesn't feel an ounce of regret as Max brings her hands down again and has an embarrassed grin on her face. It makes Rue smile, and the hornet family in her stomach dissolves into butterflies, and she feels a lot better than she had minutes before Max approached her.

At that moment, Rue doesn't feel like a jinx or a liability with a high chance of corruption. She feels like she's fourteen again, and it's the early summer, the sun is shining warmly through her window, and she's slowly waking up from a long, blissful dream to find her best friend asleep next to her, dressed in the clothes from her closet.

She wishes that feeling lasted longer, though. Because the next thing she knows, Steve has stopped the vehicle and parks before the armoury store. The unexpected stop causes a number of them in the backseats to jolt awake, grumbling and cursing Steve for stopping so abruptly, and Dustin has even rolled off the seat he shared with Erica.

Rue feels as if frigid water has been sprayed on her skin, a cold, cold, cold, and dreadful wake-up call to reality as the group in the mobile home begins to split off. They conclude that the Hellfire club members should remain in the truck, ignoring the Sinclair siblings' and Ricky's snide remark after they point out Steve's wretched state and the stench that follows him.

"He should stay behind, he looks and smells like he's a part of the Satanist cult more than I do."

"Laugh all you want, you little shits, at least I'm not the one stuck in the van!" Steve shoots back as he stomps out of the vehicle, flipping off Ricky and Lucas as Robin follows close behind him, laughing.

Next, Erica exits the mobile home, followed by Nancy, who then hesitates and turns around. Her gaze shifts to Rue, who sits alone at the back, staring out the window, pretending she can't feel Nancy's gaze burn her skin as Max picks up her backpack and begins to leave.

"You can come if you want, Rue." She says.

Rue pretends she doesn't notice that Nancy didn't call her 'bug.' The sound of her name coming out of her mouth is so strange and Rue doesn't even realize Nancy is talking to her at first.

Rue pretends it doesn't hurt.

And when Nancy turns to leave the van, Rue stuffs the rest of the brownie in her mouth without her knowing, ignoring Ricky and Eddie's snickers as she scrambles to get out.

She has a hard time swallowing the treat as she pushes the doors open to War Zone. While the store is bustling with life, which is ironic since it's a store that sells weapons to end lives, Rue spots Steve's greasy head of hair from far away and finds the rest of the group.

Before she knows it, she's walking through the isles with Max and Erica, wheeling a silver metal barred cart loaded with knives, bullets, and explosives. If you had told Rue a week ago that she was going to do this, she would have thought you were crazy.

"I don't see how any of this is necessary," Erica says as she tosses three boxes of blue bug lights into the cart. "Nancy's being overbearing when it's obvious that the only chance we have of beating Vecna is standing right in front of her. Like, I get the whole traitor thing might have put her off but still."

Rue doesn't say anything, and Max sighs after stuffing three bags of ice salt into the cart.

"It's better this way," Max says, dusting her hands off.

Erica scoffs, not believing her. "Yeah, right. I don't know about you, but I don't think a few bullets can kill Vecna. If we want him six feet under he has to face someone who's like him. I can't believe I'm about to say this but..." she shudders, "Lucas and Dustin are right."

"What about Dustin and Lucas?" There's a new voice that's entered the conversation. It's deep, hoarse, raspy and maybe a little bit insane.

The three girls turn around to see two older boys wearing green, orange, and white varsity jackets with a tiger face on the left shoulder. Their cheeks are hollow, and they have dark bags under their eyes while they stare down at the girls.

Rue has a sense of pity crawling up her throat as she stares them in the eye. One whose face is so awfully familiar that it makes her stomach twist in dread.

"Nothing," Max says quickly. "None of your business."

"You know those two are a part of a cult, right?" The one on the left says. He seems more out of it than the other.

Rue can't help but watch the conversation in silence, she has no idea what's happening, but she knows she probably should keep out of it.

"It's a lame D&D club for nerds," Erica rolls her eyes, "It's not a cult."

"My sister's missing because of them," The one on the left nearly shouts. The rims of his eyes are red, and he shakes his head, "My best friend is dead... and Jason's... he's... he lost the only person he's ever loved and all we want is justice to their names."

Rue has to bite back a whimper that threatens to slip out. She realizes why he looks so familiar—it was his eyes. He was on the brink of tears, and his eyes were so much like the ones his sister had as she had cried and begged for mercy at the end of Rue's wrath.

"I'm so sorry," Rue can't stop herself, and the words are spilling out of her mouth even after Erica kicks her foot as a warning. Rue is overwhelmed with emotion, her own guilt and the one which thrashes off in drowning waves from the boys before her, and she struggles to swim within the ocean. "I'm sorry about your sister. She didn't deserve it. And your friend... I'm so so sorry."

"Rue, stop it."

"I'm sorry," She whispers, turning away from the boys. Rue finds herself pushing the cart away from the isle and into another until she's out of sight and far enough that she can't sink. She wipes her tears from her face, feeling utterly pathetic.

You're a monster.

She can hear her voice echo in her mind, and she's suffocating under the gaze of her ghosts, all of whom stare at her with sad, sad, haunting eyes.

"What the hell was that all about?" Erica and Max turn up around the corner.

Max reaches for Rue, and she winces when Rue flinches at the touch, shakingly stepping away from her.

"I feel terrible," Rue whispers, babbles, barely coherent, pressing her hands to her cheeks. She has no idea what she's saying. Her mind checked out a long while ago, and for a moment, Rue wondered what was in that brownie.

"I'm a monster," she says out of nowhere, out of some madness that took hold of her the minute she faced the grieving boy.

It's all feelings now, just emotions coursing through her—the same ones she's tried to shove back are spilling and spilling as she speaks, and she'll say something stupid, probably something dumb, something... she wants to say something. And all she really wants is someone to stop her, to shut her up.

"I've always felt guilty but—but—but now... I just... I don't know... I felt... I... It's hitting me, what I did. It always felt like a dream, like it wasn't real... like—like—like I didn't actually do it, but now that I feel his grief... it feels real." Her voice drops below a whisper, "She was right I'm—I'm a monster."