The sign to my right said we were 600 stories up. Ayer said we were on the lowest level available for beginners. I really tried not to look up, but it only took me one glance upward to see that even then, 600 stories up, I couldn't see the ends of the buildings above me.

It shouldn't have mattered. I'd been up on higher levels. Been on less sturdy bridges. But the shaky feeling hadn't gone away, the bad thoughts still lingered on the edge of my mind, and at any moment the ice threatened to jump up again and drag me back to where I was before.

Io was gone. I couldn't be her anymore, I didn't know how, or rather, how to gather the strength necessary to act in the way she did. I'd spent all my time trying to be like her, trying to blend into the background, trying to pretend to be tough and confident and where I belong, but she was gone and I was alone.

And I was really, really afraid of heights.

Don't panic, I thought, don't panic. You can do this, you have to. You won't fail like last time, this won't be a repeat of Emily. You're better now, I know you are.

Just keep walking. Keep moving, keep breathing, keep the ice at bay and the past in the past. Come on now, you've got this.

I shivered. The mechanical wings on my back felt heavy, solid, but they made no noise, which made me fear that they weren't there at all. Like the weight on my back wasn't there to send me soaring between the buildings, but just to drag me down through the tunnel of lights even faster than I would have gone on my own.

"Are you excited?" They asked, putting on wings of their own. "In your time you just had planes, right? These were made centuries after you were born, you never would have had the chance to do something like this. Isn't this awesome?"

I nodded, but in all honesty I felt sick to my stomach. I was grateful I had put my helmet back on, for I was sure the nausea was clear on my face. They were so excited, I didn't want to ruin it for them, I really didn't.

Ayer’s wings looked different from mine. More colorful, like the walls of the buildings. They said they chose my wings for me because they thought I'd like it more with wings that looked like they were from "my time."

That was of no comfort to me though. There was no such thing as wings from "my time."

People didn't fly in "my time". When we jumped off of bridges, we fell to the ground. That's how it was for people in my world. That's how it will be for me.

When we finished getting our wings on, we walked over to the edge of the bridge, and as Ayer talked excitedly about something I couldn't make myself hear, I stared down at the abyss beneath me.

I knew the wings would fail. They would drop me the moment I was airborne, and I'd fall through the endless spiral of color as though I were Alice in Wonderland, but I was not Alice, and I was not in Wonderland, and when I reached the bottom, there would be no giant leaf to catch me. There wouldn't even be concrete. I had no idea what it was.

I'm not meant to fly.

I knew if I jumped off that bridge, I would die.

I would plummet to the ground and crash into the floor in a bloody heap of bones and guts, twisted and bent and shattered. I'd spiral and spin in the air, crashing into bridges and walls and watching as pieces of myself are ripped off and sent flying without any wings to carry them. I'd fall into a part of the bridges still unfinished, impale myself on a metal beam and be held trapped in the air, watching the blood fall into the abyss beneath me and counting the moments until I wouldn't have to watch anymore.

I would die if I jumped off that bridge.

That is a guarantee I've always trusted. It is the reality of this hell of a world.

But I still had to jump.

I still had to fly.

I couldn't let them know how afraid I was.

I couldn't let them know how full I was of stupid little fears. Fears that shouldn't have mattered, but that I could never, ever control.

"You should go first." They said, "I'll follow, and land where you land. Try to follow the blue lights on the right side of us, that way it can be a guided flight, and if you go off course the wings will redirect you. It's a beginner one, and with the guide you won't have to worry about ending up in the wrong spot." They gestured to the building next to us. I couldn't see the path of blue lights. There was too much going on, too many moving colors, it made me dizzy, and there seemed to be no visible path, no rhyme or reason to it all.

I'd read a sign on the way up there. The nets between bridges wouldn't stop me or slow me down if they sensed I was wearing the wings. They were so high tech, they'd be able to take me anywhere I wanted to go with barely any effort on my part.

I just had to trust them.

I just had to walk off this bridge.

And trust them.

And so I stood at the edge. Felt Ayer stand beside me.

It's gonna be alright. You can do this. It's not dangerous, it's never been dangerous. Come on now, it'll be alright. I know it will, I know it will.

I took a breath, and then, a step.

And everything fell apart.

Lighting spikes of nerves shot through me, consuming my every thought with an absolute certainty of the death waiting before me. It was dizzying, nauseating, suffocating, the epitome of the pain of this world, like an earthquake spreading through my fingers and limbs, it was going to kill me, it was going to kill me.

I can't do it. I have to do it. I'm going to die. It doesn't matter. No, please, get me away from here, I can't do this, shut up, stop whining, you're being unnecessary, it hurts, you're making this hurt, it's going to kill me, you're gonna be fine.

It's nothing. It's just flight. Anyone else would give anything to get an opportunity like this. You're just being stupid.

No, no, I can't think, I can't move.

You have to do it. You have to make it up to them. You can't ruin this for them. You owe them. You have to.

It's gonna hurt, I know it's gonna hurt, I don't want to fall, I don't want to do this.

Calm down. You're breathing too fast. Stop overreacting. It's just flight. You're lucky to have an opportunity like this. Just do it. Just walk forward.

Why is this so hard for you? Just do it. Stop wasting our time. It's just a game. Just for fun. It's not that high. Everyone's waiting for you. Just do it. Stop being so difficult.

I can't do it I can't do it it's gonna hurt too much I can't I can't.

If you can't do it, my mom will make all of us find something else to do too. You have to do it, at least just this once. Just stop thinking about it and go.

No I can't I can't breathe please I don't want to I can't do it.

I bring you all the way here, and this is what you do? We've been excited for this for months, why can't you just do it. Just start climbing. It's safe, we all promise. Nothing's going to happen. Stop making excuses.

It's getting annoying, okay? Stop making such a big deal out of it. I don't know why this is so hard for you. Why can't you just get it over with.

You should be better than this. You're acting like a little kid. What's wrong with you.

What are you doing. Don't step back. How could you step back, don't you know how important this is!?

I invited you here! I just wanted all of us to have fun! What is wrong with you, why can't you just do it!?

You do this every. Single. Time! I can't take you anywhere! Just do it already! Please just do it for me, aren't I your friend?!

You're embarrassing me! Why do you have to ruin it no matter what I do!?

Just do it!

Just get over it!

Nobody cares how scary it is,

People do it all the time!

You're making this so difficult for absolutely no reason!

No one else is having such a problem with it!

Just do it and stop ruining it for everyone else!

My mom insisted I invite you, and now you're going to ruin everything! At least just try! Is that really so difficult for you?!

JUST DO IT AND STOP RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT

I'M SORRY EMILY I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

And

I

stepped

back.

Again.

I couldn't do it. Again.

I failed my friend. Again.

I ruined everything. Again.

Nothing has changed. I'm no better than I ever was, I will never be better than this.

I stepped back. It was happening again. I was stepping back again. I hated it. I hated how I always stepped back. But I did it anyway. I stepped back.

I didn't turn this time. I couldn't bear to see the look on their face. I knew what it was.

Disgust. Disdain. Irritation, annoyance.

I couldn't do it. After everything they'd done for me. All the help with research, all the food they brought and insisted I didn't have to pay them back for, all the times they dealt with my stupid crying and whining and stupid overreactions to absolutely everything that happened.

All of that, and I couldn't take a single step forward for them.

They were so excited. I saw it in their face, clear as day. Or as clear as day should be.

And I ruined it.

What the hell was wrong with me. People could show all the kindness in the world and I'd never be willing to pay them back. I was just a burden. I ruined things. People were better off not having to deal with me.

I deserved to be left alone. Or maybe it's not about what I deserved. Maybe it's about what they deserved.

And they deserve, they all deserve, to not have to deal with me.

I stepped back again. "I'm sorry", I almost said, but I knew it didn't matter. It never mattered how sorry I was, nobody cared. I still always took a step back.

And then I ran. The only steps I could take. Crashing down the stairs, across the bridges, through the crowds. It didn't matter who I knocked over. Didn't matter what decorations I crashed into and broke. Didn't matter where I was going. As long as I was gone.

That's what they deserved. That's what was for the best. I knew that, I've always known that, hadn't I? I never did anything for anyone. I only ever cared for myself, my own safety, my own stupid, pathetic fears I couldn't control for even a single useless second.

I don't know how long I ran. The crowds all looked the same, they seemed to be exactly as they've always been. Only when I'd finally run every breath of air out of my lungs did I let myself stop, and I fell against the wall of a darkened corner in one of the buildings.

When I could breathe again, I forced myself to stand, and realize my surroundings. Somehow, I knew where I was. A higher level of a street where I'd bought some food a few times after work. I knew how to get to the work ship from there.

I walked to the vehicle, no longer racing my way through the crowds, but I walked quickly, and saw none of what I passed other than the signs of where I was and where I was going.

I had to get out of there. Out of that town, city, country, I don't even know where the hell I was or I guess even where I am now, but I had to leave, and I had to go far.

I couldn't keep being a burden to Ayer. I couldn't. They didn't deserve that. I had to leave them behind. I never did anything for them.

I was always going to leave them eventually. When I finally got home. Why would it matter if I left them sooner?

I had to leave. Change my name. Change who I was. They wouldn't be able to find me. Io didn't exist in this world. And neither did I.

I wasn't meant to be friends with them. I wasn't meant to know them. I didn't want that.

I just wanted to get home, and forget any of this ever happened. So when I finally found my way out, I could pretend I'd only been here for one day, one single, wasted day, and go back to what would only have been yesterday.

I could pretend only a day had passed. Just a day. And leave the rest of this hell behind. It would be okay then.

But to do that, I had to get back. I had to focus, I had to keep trying. If I was ever going to have any hope of living, of being okay again, I knew, I had to return to my world.

I had to return to yesterday,

Or I was going to die here.

I knew that even then.

When I got to the vehicle, I went in through the back door, directly into the bedroom hallway, avoiding anyone inside. I packed all my stuff up in a box, except for the bracelet I'd saved, which I put in my pocket.

Then I dropped the box off the bridge. I didn't need it. None of it mattered. I just wanted it gone. It was Io's stuff anyway. And Io was going to be gone too. Or wait, was it my stuff? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I didn't watch it fall. I didn't deserve to care. I had to be strong.

I was already a burden to Ayer enough.

And I was never, ever, ever going to be a burden to them, to anyone, again.

I was grateful to them. More than they would ever know. And if the only way to show that was to leave them alone, I would do it. They deserved that much.

I bothered people. I made things inconvenient. That was, is, just who I am. I promised myself, way past yesterday ago, that I would only ever need to be told once. And look where I am. Look what I've done.

I couldn't be strong. I knew that. But when I stepped out of the vehicle that day, I'd decided that at the very, very least, I could make sure my fears were no one's problem but my own.

I would do everything I could to make sure that I would never burden anyone again.

I'd get myself home. And then it would be okay. It would all be okay. None of this will have to matter.

But first I had to be someone new. It couldn't be someone like Io, no, I had already failed her name, it was beyond recovering. It had to be someone different.

Someone with many friends, but who bothered none of them.

Someone who had the solution to every problem, who had all the wisdom of the world.

Someone who cared for everyone, and who never hesitated to help others.

Who didn't hurt. Who wasn't weak.

Who wasn't a burden. Who said what needed to be said, and made the world a better place for it.

Someone that belonged in any world they wanted to be in, and more.

As I walked out of the vehicle that day, I reached up and took my helmet off. Immediately the bright lights made me dizzy. But I had to do it. She didn't wear a helmet. People saw her face and saw someone happy. She never bothered anyone. People like happy people. Happy people don't burden others.

From there, I reached up and took my necklace off. The one my brother gave me. With it's single constellation carved into its surface.

It didn't matter. I'd see my brother again when I got home. That would be all that mattered.

I didn't throw it. I didn't care to. It slid out of my hand and fell to the floor. It didn't matter. He was what mattered, and this would get me closer to him.

I was not Io. I had failed in that. I was not myself. She wasn't made for this world.

I was someone new. Someone strong. Someone who would never have ruined everything like I did.

Someone who I trusted, more than anyone else in the world, to help me get home. To help me feel okay again.

I was Emily.

And I was going to be better now.